please help me through the next few weeks

[Chilli]

Some of you know my history briefly 2MMCs last year, chem year before, hard time getting pg this time round but thankfully beautiful 3 year old daughter too.

I haven't announced my pg really as I don't feel I can until I pass the 9 weeks mark at least. My MMCs died at 7.5 and 8.5 weeks. But I am nearly 6 weeks now. I thought I was ok and was so happy and surprised to get my BFP, but as time ticks by I'm getting more and more anxious. I was diagnosed with depression in Jan and have since been having counseling. I refused any drugs as was still TTC.

The last couple of days I can feel myself slipping away again, I've taken the day off work today because I just can't think straight and as I look after 30 kids I don't feel fit to work.
I'm having trouble sleeping and terrible graphic dreams. Meanwhile I'm checking every sympton all the time as I know that a lack of symptons would be bad news. I'm too scared to have any scans and just the thought of it makes me freeze.

I sound like a right fruitcake don't I? I just want a bit reassurance and understanding really.I just don't want to be consumed by the fear that it'll all end in tears again and I'll be back to the dark place I found myslef in after my MCs

 

[debgreasby]

Congrats on your we're all in it together hunni x

 

[Tulip]

Welcome to Fruitcake Central, darling

As my MW said to me at booking in "This pregnancy is going to feel like it takes forever". It is hard and the worry never goes away. Even once you get past your 'danger' time you start worrying about everything else (for example, today I am convinced I have a placental abruption, based solely on an isolated sharp pain at 3 am this morning - no bleeding, baby still moving, I'm still not entirely happy).

BUT you've got this far. And the chances are that the next scan you have will be completely different to the hearbreaking ones you have suffered in the past. The lovely Beadette has had 2 MMCs this year and is now 12 weeks! Her early scan had everyone's hearts in their mouths because she'd never seen a heartbeat before.

Everyone in here absolutely understands how you feel and will support you all the way. I hope that your counsellor is able to help you too. It might be helpful to join the Spring or Summer thread to get ongoing support from people at the same stage as you.

PS - you don't sound like a fruitcake at all. You sound like an angel mummy who is scared witless xxxx

PPS - Have you been offered an early scan? xx

 

[Chilli]

Thanks Tulip and Debs - I know you're all in the same boat in this forum. You're nearly there now though Tulip

 

[Tulip]

Thanks - Yeah and the closer it gets the more paranoid I become Last week I had them test me for Obstetric Cholestasis on a Sunday night

I just want him safely in my arms x

 

[Chilli]

He will be soon Tulip and then you can start worrying about him all over again! They change your life forever in the sweetest sour way

 

[fluffyblue]

So nice to see you here Chilli and welcome to the gang, hope this is your time xxxx

 

[Chilli]

Thanks Fluffy - and look at you doing so well- how fantastic! You'll be counting down from 100 soon

 

[Gemble]

Iv just found out I'm pregnant again, tried so hard not to test as terrified of even knowing. I thought if I just don't know I can't worry. but it got the better of me! I'm gonna drive myself loopy..

Do u get an early scan chilli? =) xxx

 

[LucyJ]

Hey Chilli,

I know exactly what your going through it is hard and scary but you just have to take one day at a time. I suffered a mmc march this year we found out at our 12 week scan that our little one had died at 10 weeks I am 7 weeks today and so scared and each day i think I get a little more scared. I have a reassurance scan next tues and although I'm pleased I've got one but still scared about it.

I'm constantly thinking about symptoms do I have any? have they changed? do I feel pregnant? Its sending me crazy but I just have to have faith and hope and pray that all will be ok.

Take each day at a time and we're all here for you

 

[Chilli]

Thanks Lucy for your kind words. I've just joined the Summer babies thread and saw you there.

Gemble - I did exactly the same thing - didn't even test until 16 dpo (usually started at about 7dpo!!) And the angst has been building day by day ever since. I have been told I can have early scans if i want but not really sure I do. With my last pg I just knew it was going but was all fine at the scan. Unfortunately a week later my little girl was gone (she had tripleX syndrome) So I'm not sure if I can put myself and OH through the trauma of a scan.

 

[mentormel]

I know how you feel. I had a MMC at 6 1/2 weeks in Feb. I'm now 17+1. I thought it would get easier the further away I got from that time, but it's only gotten harder. I constantly worry the baby isn't growing and my stomach isn't big enough. I haven't felt much movement yet - some random pokes here and there, but I'm not sure it's the baby. I ended up in the ER yesterday because I was hysterical with anxiety. They did an ultrasound and I saw my baby moving around. But today I worry if it was the right size for it's age. They didn't do measurements because it was the ER. It's a vicious cycle and I haven't been able to enjoy this pregnancy.

 

[Gemble]

I can understand that, I spose if somethings going to go wrong a scan won't change things..

BUT u have one beautiful healthy baby so you know u can do it huni =)

Xxx

 

[Chilli]

Thanks Gemble - i do and am eternally grateful for that!

Mentormel - that sounds all great though, try not to worry about the size. they would've said if it wasn't ok surely

 

[fluffyblue]

Thanks Fluffy - and look at you doing so well- how fantastic! You'll be counting down from 100 soon

Secretly I already am - my C Section is either 13/14th Jan so am there already !!!

 

[Chilli]

That's so fantastic fluffy!

 

[FierceAngel]

congrats on your bfp x

im 6 weeks too and desperate to get past 10 weeks and then it will be getrting past the part wen charlie died

here if you ever want to talk xxxx

 

[Chilli]

Thanks Fierce angel - let's hope it's smooth ride for us both. Your picture made me cry - I'm so sorry for your loss

 

[Lucia]

I totally feel the same way right now. I had 2 mmc in the past year - both discovered at scans. I am now terrified of scans....so much in fact that I rescheduled the one planned for yesterday. I am 6w3d today. I am constantly doing a symptom check (ie. boob soreness pokes, checking tp). So yeah, some days I think I am nuts and anyone that has never suffered a loss would think I need mental help.

 

[Chilli]

it's horrible isn't it Lucia - no chance of enjoying your pg - but we've got to try! I can't even watch an actress can a scan on east enders without feeling sick!