Please Help; Step-Monster-In-Law

[sunnylove]

My entire pregnancy the impending situation with my step-mother-in-law has been weighing really heavy on me. She is a typical trophy wife. Her husband (DH's dad) is a lot older than her, she has the short, poofed blonde-dyed hair, lives in a gated community, doesn't have a job, gossips any chance humanly possible, etc. By any means, she has been in my DH's life for 15 years and is a part of the family.

BUT, she has been very controlling about us having children. My DH is one of 4 adult children, some of who are in their 30s, and he is the only one who has gotten married and is having a child. She told us as soon as we got married that we "better not have kids anytime soon," and when we expressed the desire to adopt one day she basically flipped out and told us how financially irresponsible and stupid it was.

During one of these conversations she's had with my DH she has somehow come under the impression that all "I want is children." It's probably because I head up a family business and hope to break off to form my own, and so don't have a typical "career." This is the only reason I can think of as to why she would think this. I have never expressed to her, or any of DH's family that, "Oh, I'm so excited to have kids one day and start a family!!!" On the flip side, step-MIL has done little to actually get to know me, so I have no idea why she thinks this.

I'm not sure why the assumption that "all I want is children," bothers me, but it does. I know to her, it's a bad thing. It basically means I don't have a life and have no interests and just want to produce children, suck money from my husband, not work, and stay home with them. (Please note, this is NOT what I think of stay-at-home moms, quite the contrary. But please understand what I mean when people refer to 'just wanting children' in a negative way.)

Like previously stated, she is a HUGE gossiper and has very high-class friends. I am worried about her gossiping about me, and telling all her friends what she thinks of me. I know I shouldn't, because while she is "high-class," this is obviously extremely low-class behavior and makes her look like a boor, but is there ANY way to combat this? To top it off, this pregnancy was not planned, which will just make me look even more "irresponsible."

I have considered only telling DH's dad about our pregnancy, and letting him tell step-MIL so we don't have to be there when she hears the news. DH thought it would be rude, but I really don't want to blow up in her face.

Advice???

 

[Whimsy82]

Yikes. She sounds like a real piece of work.

There isn't anything wrong with wanting kids. My goal was to get married and have kids. Nothing wrong with that!

My best advice is to ignore her. You and your DH knows what you want and what you're doing and I'm sure her nasty gossip pals don't matter either anyway.

Just tell DH's dad and let him handle telling her. You can do it the way you want

Just don't listen to her and enjoy your pregnancy! Anyone who matters won't think badly.

 

[MorganEvans]

I think you should aim for your own happiness. Adopting is an amazing thing to do, nothing wrong with it, as with getting pregnant yourself. She doesn't know what happiness is, which is why i hope you'll keep your head up and will let everything that woman says or does slide down your sides as if its water.

 

[AllieM]

She sounds like she may be worried that any of her DH's children have their own children will make her "granny"! What a wench!

 

[chulie]

With people like that, they get off on knowing things they say get to people. She probably said that purposely because she's knows you will want kids one day so planting that will stress you out. My oppinion. People like that take their cues from you. If she senses even a little bit of nervousness she will pounce. If I were you. I would excitedly and happily tell them the news in some fun way and be as genuinely excited as you are..and when she makes "those comments" ...let them roll off your back.

I can say this now, but I was the same as you. What changed my attitude from caring, analyzing and personalizing everything people said to not giving a crap was having my daughter. She's my life and my priority and I could care less how anyone sees me life because I'M happy with it and every time I look at her I see she's all that matters. You will too....I just wished I'd had this same attitude I have now when I was pregnant..I would have been SO much happier!!! Good luck!

 

[EmmaRea]

Who says she needs to know this wasn't planned?? She totally doesn't! You can tell her if she asks that the only people who need be concerned with planning your reproduction are the people in the room when conception takes place. Since she wasn't around when you and DH were having the to create your brand new LO, she can just keep her nose out of your business, Sweetums!
Furthermore, I'd have DH really go absolutely over the top with excitement. So she knows he is as enthusiastic about having a baby with you as you are to be having a baby with him. That way she can't go about saying you trapped him. Make it crystal clear this was his idea, too. And that's not a lie, not an act. If he's dtd with you, he knew there was a chance at conception, and he dtd anyway. So it was his idea. You didn't tie him to the bed (or maybe you did...) and impregnate yourself!

 

[NoodleSnack]

I have to ask: why do you care what she thinks or says? Do you even move in the same circle outside of family events?

Most people want to have kids, so if she said that to me or anyone else within my hearing, I would just laugh and say of course - doesn't she? The way to deal passive-aggressive people is to turn what they say back on them. If you tip-toe around her and don't dare share your news when she's around then you're giving her the upper hand. Yep - you. You have got to learn to dismiss the opinion of people who are negative in your life. Why care about her reaction? I don't see how she can react in any way other than happy for you two without coming off like a bitch. And if she wants to come off as a bitch, that's her problem, why try to take that away from her?

 

[sunnylove]

Thanks for the encouraging, great words ladies! I think the poster was right who said she gets off knowing she can "get to you." That is actually 100% true the more I think about it. And I know I should just let it roll off my back; it's just so hard knowing that she cares more about her 16-year old son's 1-month girlfriend, than she does about you. Like, she has done close to nothing to get to know me, and yet she assumes all these different things about me.

But from now on I am going to try to let it just roll off my back and not let her affect any of my decisions. I do internalize things and I absolutely abhor when people try to control me or my decisions (which is what she does, but she does it back-handed through my husband most of the time). It just enrages me! So it's hard to let that go sometimes, but I know I have to. I think I'm just going to treat her like a normal person and not let her actions dictate this special time for us. Thanks again ladies.

Oh, and for the poster that asked why I care about what she thinks or says. I legitimately don't respect her opinion on things. She has proven time and time again how her opinions are just meant to control and nothing else, so I have no respect for the woman. I do, obviously, for whatever reason, care about what she thinks of me, the reason being because a) she's family and obviously you want family to like you. And b) my husband works with some of her "rich friends" and I don't want her spreading made-up crap about me/him/us in case it affects his work status in any way. But her opinions on anything else, I don't respect or care about, I mostly don't want her spreading crap about me.

 

[charleybootS]

You and your DH are grown adults, who cares what she thinks or whether she gossips about you. If she only has your life to gossip about she's a pretty sad individual in my opinion.

If someone in my DH's family had that much to say about how we chose to live our life they would soon be told to keep their nose out, bluntly

Do not let her ruin a special time, if she can't be happy for you then let her get on with it

 

[MnMommy]

I agree with most of the posters here. I know its hard, but who cares what she thinks? If you and DH show her you are excited, it will eventually take away some of her power. Plus there is no reason why she needs to know this isn't "planned." Besides, while the timing wasn't planned, the child was planned from the sound of things.

Now, I tend to get a little protective of my kids and family which means I can be a little passive aggressive myself... my initial thought was to find the "Grandma" synonym that you think she would find to be the "oldest sounding" and start calling her that. My guess is she is trying to bully you into not having kids yet because that makes her old enough to be a grandma and no trophy wife wants to be called "Granny" or anything like that!

 

[Pixxie]

Does she have any kids? Sounds like she jealous to me! Maybe she wants a baby?

Either way ignore her, let her gossip with her silly little friends, it's your life xx

 

[sunnylove]

Yes, she has two daughters plus four step-children.

I found out more recently during another discussion she had with my husband that she had said "And if you guys ever get pregnant, please don't tell us for at least 6 months." Um. That is like the weirdest thing I've ever heard?? Why would anyone say that???

 

[kassiaethne]

Yes, she has two daughters plus four step-children.

I found out more recently during another discussion she had with my husband that she had said "And if you guys ever get pregnant, please don't tell us for at least 6 months." Um. That is like the weirdest thing I've ever heard?? Why would anyone say that???

I'd tell her now just to be a bitch

 

[lilesMom]

hey hon, i agree with lots thats already been said, she doesnt contribute to ur happiness in any way so her opinion, bigoted and silly as it is doesnt count in ur life xxxx people who dont make me happy get little time form me anymore, lifes too short i didnt always think like this, i used to worry about what people thought of me a lot, i lost my first bub in may and it has changed my point of view of life a lot
im so grateful to be preg now i dont sweat the small stuff as much as i used to
is ahe of child bearing age ?? could be jealousy of u or she oculd be afraid her hubby will want kids she doesnt wanna provide? whatever her reasons , its her problem not urs when we told my OH parents we were preg first time round, my Ohs mom looked liek we slapped her, it took about 30 mins before she looked not in shock and we got a congrats, she is religious and it bothered her cos we arent married, we planned both our bubs and were soo happy to be preg. i was pretty upset that she focused on marriage rather than my bub. but then i just though f it we r happy and thats all that matters sorry so long but i just want u convinced to enjoy ur great news and leave her to her own devices xxxxxxxxx

 

[R8ch]

Sounds like a very bitter, jealous lady. It must be hard to let her comments not affect you - I know I would be the same. I bet she is also afraid that her husbands time and money may be spent on something other than her!
Hope you can learn to ignore her nasty comments She certainly doesn't deserve your time and energy.
Rx

 

[mo0nangel]

My entire pregnancy the impending situation with my step-mother-in-law has been weighing really heavy on me. She is a typical trophy wife. Her husband (DH's dad) is a lot older than her, she has the short, poofed blonde-dyed hair, lives in a gated community, doesn't have a job, gossips any chance humanly possible, etc. By any means, she has been in my DH's life for 15 years and is a part of the family.

BUT, she has been very controlling about us having children. My DH is one of 4 adult children, some of who are in their 30s, and he is the only one who has gotten married and is having a child. She told us as soon as we got married that we "better not have kids anytime soon," and when we expressed the desire to adopt one day she basically flipped out and told us how financially irresponsible and stupid it was.

During one of these conversations she's had with my DH she has somehow come under the impression that all "I want is children." It's probably because I head up a family business and hope to break off to form my own, and so don't have a typical "career." This is the only reason I can think of as to why she would think this. I have never expressed to her, or any of DH's family that, "Oh, I'm so excited to have kids one day and start a family!!!" On the flip side, step-MIL has done little to actually get to know me, so I have no idea why she thinks this.

I'm not sure why the assumption that "all I want is children," bothers me, but it does. I know to her, it's a bad thing. It basically means I don't have a life and have no interests and just want to produce children, suck money from my husband, not work, and stay home with them. (Please note, this is NOT what I think of stay-at-home moms, quite the contrary. But please understand what I mean when people refer to 'just wanting children' in a negative way.)

Like previously stated, she is a HUGE gossiper and has very high-class friends. I am worried about her gossiping about me, and telling all her friends what she thinks of me. I know I shouldn't, because while she is "high-class," this is obviously extremely low-class behavior and makes her look like a boor, but is there ANY way to combat this? To top it off, this pregnancy was not planned, which will just make me look even more "irresponsible."

I have considered only telling DH's dad about our pregnancy, and letting him tell step-MIL so we don't have to be there when she hears the news. DH thought it would be rude, but I really don't want to blow up in her face.

Advice???

Maybe she's hoping to get most of your FIL inheritance one he dies. So the more grandchildren the more she would have to share?? Or maybe she doesn't want to be a "grandmother"...either way I agree with the other posters, announce your very planned pregnancy in a creative and joyful way...and to be honest if she'snot saying these things directly to you then I would ask OH and anyone else to not tell you. Ignorance is bliss in that respect.

 

[bubbles1013]

Don't tell her it wasn't planned... why does she have to know? It really is only between you and your DH what you do with your life anyway. It's not worth your time to worry about what she thinks. If you and DH are happy that is all that matters

 

[mandaxx]

I just don't understand why you feel you have to tip toe around her behaviour Hun. Who the hell is she to have any opinion on your life, let alone to try and enforce it? It would be rude not to tell her, but her trying to dictate to you isn't rude? If I were you, I'd get her on her own and say look, I don't like you and I don't like your opinions, so keep them to yourself or ill cut you out of my life simple as that surround yourself with only people that benefit you. You NEVER have to have anything to do with anyone you don't like, I don't care if its your husbands parents or their conjoined twin, it's YOUR life and YOU'RE in charge. So many people amaze me with what they will put up with. Bestow respect only upon those who bestow respect upon you. Never give a second thought about her gossiping about you, let her! If the morons she's gossiping too believe her,then they aren't worth much themselves. While she's gossiping about you, she's leaving some other less strong person alone, that's what I always like to think. Good luck xxx

 

[Hunbun]

She sounds awful. I can understand why your not looking forward to telling her, she will somehow make it about her and her life.

Try your hardest to ignore her and like pp said, if the comments are not said directly to you I would ask people not to pass them onto you. If they are directly to you, you are now officially hormonal and allowed to tell her to shut up.

 

[Larkspur]

She sounds like the sort of person that the question, "Why do you say that?", delivered in a mild tone, with a faintly puzzled smile, was invented for. Apply it to any rude statements she makes.

Then, no matter what the answer is, you reply, in the same mild tone and with the same faintly puzzled smile, "Oh, okay. Well, I don't think that's anything you have to worry about." Works like a charm.