Please Help

[octoberlove]

Hi everyone. I'm new to this site, and forums in general. I haven't been an active member of any community since high school 10+ years ago to be honest. I found this site only by googling "trying to conceive forum" because I am desperate for some support. As some of you probably know, trying to conceive (and the struggles that come with) are not generally a public matter. So I'm just going to blurt out my story and hope for the best.

Background info: My husband and I have been together for about 5 years. We were married 3 months ago in early October. He has a 7 year old daughter who is with us every other week. He is an extraordinary father and is as much a part of her life as he is physically (and legally) able to be. Her bio mom is a despicable human being, having gotten pregnant about a year after she and my husband (before he was my husband, obviously) were together, and while they were in the midst of a break up. She went off of birth control without telling him, got him drunk (and yes, I know it takes two to tango), and 9 months later he was a dad. She has used this child to get at him ever since. First trying to scare him into staying with her. Since that didn't work she continues to use their child as a pawn as well as for financial gain. Though we have 50/50 custody he still pays child support because he makes more than her (she works part time and has been fired from numerous jobs). Needless to say she and I do not get along in the least, despite my many efforts to do so simply for my stepdaughters sake.

Now that the annoying part of my story is out of the way... My husband and I went on a weeklong, amazing honeymoon immediately after the wedding. Approximately three weeks later I asked him to pick me up a pregnancy test "just to be sure I wasn't pregnant" as I had realized I'd been drinking pretty frequently since going off the pill in late September. We had decided to just "go with the flow, see what happens"...

Some more background info: I am 28 years old and have had a lifelong fear that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. Don't ask where it stemmed from, I have no idea. Though I'm guessing it relates to the fact that for as long as I can remember I've never wanted anything more than to be a mom.

Back to that pregnancy test... 4 positive tests later we were certain I was pregnant. My fear soon turned to joy after I googled the effects of moderate drinking so early in pregnancy and determining that I likely hadn't done any damage... I made an appt, started my pre natal vitamins and started to digsest the fact that I was actually going to be a mom...and on our first try no less.

Obviously by the past tense you can assume this didn't end well. About two weeks later I started getting period pains, except they were much worse than anything I'd ever experienced and I knew something was wrong. Fast forward through one of the absolute worst days of my life and yes, we can deduce that I had a miscarriage.

Doing some more fast forwarding...we decided about two weeks later that we would trash the "go with the flow" idea and start actively trying. As I said, I'm 28, my husband is 29, and I've always dreamed of having a big family. Now along with my fear of having troubles conceiving I had an even bigger fear that any pregnancy would end in another miscarriage.

This all happened only two months ago, so we have only actually tried twice since the MC. But because it happened so quickly the first time I am terrified to my core about the fact that it hasn't happened again...and even more so about what might happen when/if I get pregnant again.

I have a drinking problem, though as soon as I found out I was pregnant I quit immediately with no hesitation or problems. I wanted to continue abstaining from alcohol after the MC but that hope dwindled only days later. Since then I've fallen back into my old ways...drinking every night. Some nights more than others.

I'm worried that my drinking along with my stress (due mostly to the MC and my stepdaughters mom/the issues she constantly brings to the table) is going to cause serious problems with my fertility.

Augh...I've rambled on forever... Please, I'm just looking for some support. A shoulder to cry on, someone who can relate, some advice/tips on TTC, words of wisdom from any stepmoms going through something similar. Anything. I feel so damn alone and I don't know where to turn.

 

[slg76]

Welcome to B&B. I'm sure you are going to find a lot of support here. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. Step children, and the parents that come with them, can be a lot of stress. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I just had one myself two months ago.

I don't think you have any reason to worry about your fertility. You got pregnant very quickly the first time and miscarriages happen so often for no fertility related reason. You have only been trying two months since; I'm sure it feels like a very long time but it's really not. Even healthy couples with no fertility issues at all take an average of 4 months to become pregnant. We just don't release a great egg every month that then gets fertilized right and implants. It's a complicated process!

I hope I'm not overstepping to say that it sounds like you have some issues that you should work out before having a baby. Having a baby is a stressful, emotional, financially draining thing to do. I'm afraid that having a baby now will make your problems with your husband's ex worse and of course will add extra struggle to your drinking problem. I hope that you are able to settle your life down a bit and be truly ready to ttc very soon. I think when you are ready and able you will have a beautiful baby in no time.

 

[octoberlove]

Thanks so much for your response. And you are right, I am really trying to work on my issues. I am just really concerned about how long it will take me to get pregnant/carry to term. I feel like with every month that passes the chances of having my big family gets smaller and smaller.

Anyway, thanks again for your kind words.

 

[pink_kitty]

Perhaps you can discuss your concerns with your doctor? They may be able to run some tests to find some answers as to why the m/c (for example if you have low progesterone, etc) and ease your mind about your fertility.

Really sorry for the difficult time you're going through. You have our support!!!

 

[slg76]

I'm glad you are working on some issues. I fear that if you had a baby right away then motherhood might not be as special and wonderful as it should be for you. You are still very young and in my opinion probably don't have a fertility issue. If your age is what is bothering you maybe you can find a doctor who will do an AMH blood test for you. This measures how many eggs you have left in your ovaries. There are other reasons for infertility but this is a big one. Maybe seeing that your number is fine will help you relax and take the time you need to be in a better space before getting pregnant. Trust me I understand. I wanted a big family and now am 37 with one child and slim chances to have another one. We just have to work with what life gives us.

 

[octoberlove]

I had no idea they could measure how many eggs are left...wow. That has certainly been one of my biggest fears.

When I had the MC my doctor was very brief about it. Almost too laid back, like it was such a common occurrence that I shouldn't think twice about it. She wasn't rude, just almost too optimistic. The MC happened Nov 11 and she told me she had a good feeling we would get pregnant again quickly and I'd be back in to see her in January. Well it's January and I just ended my period, for the second time since the MC.

My other concern is that I've never paid any attention to my cycles before, so trying to time everything now is a struggle. I use apps to try to track everything but I'm still a bit confused. Maybe I should start a new thread for this question? My period was "due" (assuming I calculated everything correctly) 1/6. I started cramping 1/3 and on 1/4 I had bleeding but pretty much only when I went to the bathroom. 1/5 was a little heavier and by 1/6 I was pretty much done. Later in the week I had some more brownish discharge (again mainly when I went to the bathroom) but by the middle of the week I was using a pantyliner... I know this is TMI but I am so confused as to what is actually considered my period dates and how to figure out when I'm ovulating. I actually used one of those ovulation kits last month but that didn't seem to do any good.

 

[slg76]

Your period sounds very short and light. Has it always been that way? I would count the day you spotted 1/4 as your period so that is cycle day 1. In a text book cycle you would ovulate cycle day 14 but everybody is a bit different. Ovulation kits are great and there are a couple other signs for ovulation. Google ovulation cervical mucus and you can learn about it.

 

[pink_kitty]

I had no idea they could measure how many eggs are left...wow. That has certainly been one of my biggest fears.

When I had the MC my doctor was very brief about it. Almost too laid back, like it was such a common occurrence that I shouldn't think twice about it. She wasn't rude, just almost too optimistic. The MC happened Nov 11 and she told me she had a good feeling we would get pregnant again quickly and I'd be back in to see her in January. Well it's January and I just ended my period, for the second time since the MC.

My other concern is that I've never paid any attention to my cycles before, so trying to time everything now is a struggle. I use apps to try to track everything but I'm still a bit confused. Maybe I should start a new thread for this question? My period was "due" (assuming I calculated everything correctly) 1/6. I started cramping 1/3 and on 1/4 I had bleeding but pretty much only when I went to the bathroom. 1/5 was a little heavier and by 1/6 I was pretty much done. Later in the week I had some more brownish discharge (again mainly when I went to the bathroom) but by the middle of the week I was using a pantyliner... I know this is TMI but I am so confused as to what is actually considered my period dates and how to figure out when I'm ovulating. I actually used one of those ovulation kits last month but that didn't seem to do any good.

I haven't had a m/c, but I found my FS was the same way about my fertility in general - very optimistic! Initially, it made me feel better, but lately i've been wondering if she has been taking my issues seriously. At my November appt she mentioned iui for my Feb cycle, but said she'd be very surprised if I wasn't pregnant before then. HA!!!! Yeah well, here we are in January and still nothin' cupcake! I'm starting to think her optimism is jinxing me!! Sometimes they just don't get it and we're just one of many other patients to them, whereas to us this is this is the most important thing in the world!!!!!!

 

[octoberlove]

Pink_kitty I know exactly how you feel. While I appreciate my doctor's optimism to an extent, I feel like she's given me these high hopes & set me up for disappointment.

slg76, my periods have always been pretty funky. I was on BC until last September and I'm horrible at remembering to take pills so I often messed up my cycles by forgetting a pill here and there. They've always been pretty light, though. I've noticed a lot of ladies talking about cervical mucus & I had no idea it had anything to do with tracking ovulation, I will definitely look into that.

And as a happy side note, I went alcohol free yesterday (I know, only one day but I need *something* to celebrate). When I found out I was pregnant (before the MC) I started drinking a ton of water throughout the day and a lot of juice at night (when I would normally drink alcohol). I specifically drank a lot of cranberry juice, which I'm going to go back to doing. Does anyone have any insight as to what might help/hurt fertility/baby? I'm only asking because I've heard so many things about too much of this hurts and doing that at this time hurts and etc etc... Example - someone recently posted about eating pineapple between I think 1-5DPO but after 5DPO it can actually hurt the chances of conception rather than help. I guess I'm only concerned because I had read something about cranberry cocktail juice being potentially harmful but 100% juice is ok? Augh, I know, I'm rambling again.

 

[slg76]

I think as long as you eat a balanced diet and take a prenatal vitamin then you are good to go. I imagine you would have to drink a ton of juice to cause a problem. The pineapple and such are tricks that some women use to tweak your system a little bit. These tweaks may make a difference for those of us who struggle with infertility but if your body is healthy and working normally then I don't think any of that is necessary.

Congratulations on one day alcohol-free! Good for you! You have to start somewhere. I hope this is the first day of many

 

[BeachyFeelin]

Hey Octoberlove!

I can't even believe I'm admitting this, but I think I might have a bit of a drinking problem too...I hate it because we are TTC and I know that it's BAD....but I drink way too much.

I know I even O'd over the weekend and I STILL drank...it's embarrassing. I shouldn't be doing this. So I know how you feel...you want to stop, but when you get home it's just too easy to reach for that glass. It's habit.

I think your best option, and what I think I can do as well, is not drink during the week. Sometimes I'll buy soda water and put it in my wine glass. Is that something you think you can do? When you are in that TWW think of the possible pregnancy and hopefully that can get you stop reach for something other than alcohol. Talking to myself here too

As for the other stuff...I'm sorry you are going through all that! :/ If you ever want to chat or get stuff off your chest I'm here!

And....I think you should start temping, i'm still a little confused about it all, but I think it has helped me understand my cycle like never before!

 

[octoberlove]

Hi Beachyfeelin! You're exactly right, it is way too easy to grab a glass after work and it's definitely become a habit.

That is exactly my plan, to not drink during the week. I drank my cranberry juice last night & it worked great. Soda water in a wine glass sounds like a fantastic idea too!

I've been wondering about temping, it seems kinda confusing but I think I will give it a shot.

Anywho, if you're looking for an encouragement buddy or just need to talk I'm here too!

 

[BeachyFeelin]

Hi Beachyfeelin! You're exactly right, it is way too easy to grab a glass after work and it's definitely become a habit.

That is exactly my plan, to not drink during the week. I drank my cranberry juice last night & it worked great. Soda water in a wine glass sounds like a fantastic idea too!

I've been wondering about temping, it seems kinda confusing but I think I will give it a shot.

Anywho, if you're looking for an encouragement buddy or just need to talk I'm here too!

Thanks I stopped at the store last night on my way home and bought some juice and lime flavored soda water...mixed them together and it tasted like a really yummy sangria!! I can totally do this, and so can you!!

Temping for me has been a process. you don't really have to understand it as you do it, it's just important to do it every day at the same time (before getting out of bed). And then I research other women's charts and compare them to mine and I have slowly been understanding it.

My only problem is that I don't always get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep (which is what they say you need) and I move around a bit in bed sometimes before I take my temp....but I'm doing it.