pls. advise urgently; wife is having mixed feelings about the baby

[naheem]

My wife and I are expecting a baby. After visiting the doctor and getting the tests positive, she is not very happy. It is not that she is unhappy with the relationship but she keeps telling me that she is not ready. She is now telling me that she needs 2 more years of alone time with me. I am extremely confused; she was the one who wanted to have a baby in the first place. I am in mid 30s and she in 30. I feel this is the right time for us biologically but I don't want to be in a situation to force it on her. Our doctor recommended thinking and writing down a plan for next two years if we decide to abort the baby. She also told us not to regret our decision but to think about what we want in life.
I feel very sad and uneasy at this decision. On one hand, I want to have the baby but I don't want to pressurize my wife as I care about her well being. Just today we visited the doctor for the second time and could hear the baby's heartbeat. I was very happy but my wife told me that she couldn't feel the connection. It causes me lot of pain to hear that. My wife has also complicated things by informing everyone in her family. They have been calling us and congratulating us.
I know we cannot delay this decision for too long as it might jeopardize my wife's health. I am in a terrible state of mind and I don't know what to do.

 

[THart]

I think it's just a reaction and that if given time she would continue to want the baby. As its your first she may have gotten scared and anxious about what you two chose to create , and is unsure of she can handle it anymore

It is a pretty common reaction I find, and the thing I can suggest is to remind her of why she chose to create that baby on the first place

 

[butterflywolf]

The two of you need to lay everything down on the table. You need to share your feelings but tell her you will back her up with whatever the two of you agree. The baby is both yours and hers.

With the first pregnancy for us, We were both 23. Thought that is what I wanted but then when we were I freaked. I was going to be fat, what if I'm not a good mama...well we ended up having a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I had just told everyone at 8 weeks on Christmas day and now I had to say baby was gone. Then it took us 9 more months to get pregnant again and there was never a doubt in my mind that I wanted that baby.

Maybe she has a lot of the fears many first time mama's have. If she wont talk to you perhaps a therapist, if she wont go I suggest you still going at least once.

Nobody on here is going to be able to tell you what is right for you or your wife. I think the biggest thing is she is scared but that is just going off of my own history. I wish the best possible outcome for both of you *hugs*

 

[pink_phoenix]

First of all I just wanted to say how sorry I am you and your wife are going through such a difficult time.

She sounds as though she may be a bit scared. The realisation that pregnancy changes a lot of things can be a bit of a slap in the face. We lost a baby in may and tried straight away and I've been lucky enough to fall pregnant again so soon but I defiantly had similar feelings to those you describe your wife has had.
I felt maybe it was too soon. I didn't really expect it to be so soon, maybe if you haven't been trying very long the shock of it being quite fast has taken your wife by surprise. Maybe she feels it will change things between you both and is worried of loosing the relationship she has with you now. Maybe she is scared something will happen with the pregnancy. Or even just how crazy your hormones go in the first few months.
Keeping constant communication with my partner about my fears and feelings does certainly help so maybe just a bit of talking and lots of reassurance and patience with any fears or worries she may have may make her feel a bit more at ease.
I really wish I could say more that would help but pregnancy in my experience isn't always the perfectly happy experience you expect. It can be very scary and little things you never considered in the past seem like the biggest, hardest, most life changing things you can imagine.
I hope all goes well and you and your wife can come to the decision that is best for you all

 

[naheem]

Thanks for your quick response. Last few days (before visiting the doctor today) I have been trying to have an open and frank conversation. I even told her we should talk to a counselor but she rejected the idea. Before visiting the doctor today, she told me she is ok and I have been taking extra care ensuing she eats healthy, eats the right things and eats / sleeps on time. But after the visit today she is going back to arguing that she needs time and she doesn't need the baby. I feel clueless on how to respond.

 

[Jenny Bean]

You are a very kind and loving husband!
I think she is still adjusting to the idea, the
First trimester is difficult, lots of hormones
And mood swings!

Good luck to u

 

[Insomniash]

As the others have said it is really is a result of those first trimester hormones. I definitely want a baby, but after I first found out I went through a lot of different and conflicting emotions. I am a first time mother and close to the same age as your wife, I was a bit overwhelmed with the fact that so many things will be changing, which is likely how she is feeling right now. I knew however that despite how I may have been feeling in the moment that I do want this child (although abortion is not something I would ever consider). Now that I am further along I am relaxing, my hormones are relaxing and I am feeling the excitement I expected. I sincerely hope it is the same for your wife. Just do your best to reassure her that everything will be ok.

 

[mod19]

As other posters have said, she may just need more time to come to terms with the changes and sacrifices having a baby comes with. I know the first time I got pregnant I freaked out. All these crazy thoughts start going through your head and questioning yourself as a parent is definitely involved in them. I don't know your wife, but of she wanted this, she will probably regret doing something to keep s/he from being born down the road. Also the fact that she's told her family tells me she wants this baby. If she really didn't I feel she would do everything in her power to keep it a secret. Maybe give her more time and don't make any drastic decisions. I'm assuming she is between 7-9 weeks as you've seen the heartbeat. Its still early. Also, the fact that she's been trying to eat right and take care if herself really makes me believe she wants this baby, even if emotionally she isn't sure. She's lucky to have such a caring and patient husband.

 

[keerthy]

She sounds like someone like myself when I had my first 5 years ago.
I think you need to talk to her or since her fam knows just discuss with her parents maybe her mom, so that she can talk thru her. I had similar issues and spent most of my early preg at my mums place in India.
The thought of having. Baby alone here scared me, gave me mixed feelings. Having said that I took care of my lil one on my own from Abt 2 months after delivery.

It's all the hormones trust me, give her time. Ask her to talk to someone she trusts may be mom/sis or other fam member. I am sure she shud be fine by 2nd trimester.

Me & my hubby had a lot of arguments and our relationship had strained around that time... Thankfully everything was fine wen I spent my first few months at mums! I just needed that space to adjust and the feeling of preg to sink in!

Hope that helps! Take care and congratulations on the heart beat! X

 

[sarahchops86]

There is no textbook reaction to a pregnancy even if it is very much planned. In all 3 of my VERY WANTED pregnancies I have felt a disconnect from the baby in early pregnancy. Thinking that this was a mistake, that I don't really want a first baby, second baby, third baby. In my first 2 pregnancies these thoughts tore me up, I thought I was a horrible person and would be a horrible mother. I expected these feelings with this pregnancy and they STILL surprised me! I dont really feel a massive rush of maternal love towards my unborn children until I feel them move inside me, and then I just fall in love- theres never a picture of me after about 20 weeks where I dont have my hands on my belly lol.
This is quite a taboo subject, she's telling you because she loves you and trusts you! Shes telling her doctor for advice. Let her talk about it. Its very telling that she has told her family that she is pregnant- I really think she does intend to keep the baby. I know its hard to hear her say these things but the best husband you can be is a sympathetic one. Best of luck to the both of you.

 

[naheem]

Thanks a lot. At this point, she is driving me crazing and is not having a rational conversation. Hope she listens and makes the right decision!

 

[vs011]

You should read this articlehttp://www.parents.com/parenting/celebrity-parents/vanessa-lachey-new-mom-tips/

It sounds similar to what your wife feels. Many women out there feel the same. No one really can be that connected to a baby yet so early. I don't even feel pregnant sometimes. Feelings and connection come with time. I pray that this is just a passing phase for your wife. To have normal and healthy tests so far, she shouldn't give it up. Remind her how extremely lucky she is. Many women would love to be in her position.

 

[babytots]

I'm sorry to read this I think from what you have said deep down she want the baby as she has told family and led them to believe she wants to keep it otherwise they would not of congratulated you but I think she is just too scared and anxious and when it's your first baby the fear of the unknown is quite hard.

How many weeks is she now? Perhaps she just needs time give her some space as trying to force the issue may push her further apart. In the meantime write a letter to her with how you are feeling she can read it at her pace without her getting agitated or upset.

I really hope things work out for you. X

 

[Lisa2701]

I am so sorry your going through this. It must be so difficult. I agree with some of the women about the fact she might just need more time to come to terms with it. I was trying for a baby for 5 years but despite that I had a few weeks of "OMG this is massive and have i done the right thing for my current son/relationship/my own health blah blah". I am of course over joyed now but despite how badly I wanted another I had a wobble at the beginning. Does your wife's family know how she's feeling? Perhaps they could talk to her? I know someone who was 6 months pregnant before accepting she was having another child, she was devasted but nowadays she adores her daughter. no one regrets having their children once they are here! good luck xx

 

[ajarvis]

How far along is she? Maybe she has expectations of herself and how she is "supposed" to feel when pregnant. I did not feel "connected" to any of my babies until much much further along.

 

[Snoopee]

I remember worrying with my first baby that it would change the relationship between my husband and I. This time around, I've been worrying about how it will effect the relationship between me and my daughter. Hormones in the first trimester are all over the place. Haven't really got any advice but I hope things work out for you both.