PND Support Thread

[AP]

steph I wish I could help you or advise you hun but I'm new to this too, I hope one of the other girls can help.





Yesterday I was meant to go to group counselling. I didnt even phone to cancel. I'm such a pussy. I didnt know what to say.

The manager of the PND charity I went to called to pull me up for it, I accidentley rejected her call, so she left a voicemail asking why and where da di da.....

Don't want to go now. Not to group sessions. But anger is often takng over me now, I smashed my expensive mobile at the wall last night and was hysterical because I felt I couldnt keep my anger under control. I felt like a bad mother.

I know I couldnt even find it in me to hurt my LO, for sure, but I told her to shut up when she was crying and I felt so bad.

And what did she do? She stopped crying and grinned. She doesnt understand. But I do and it hurts.


(OT: so does my arse, I've been sitting on this floor for ages in case i woke up LOL!)

 

[stephwiggy]

aww hun - i dont know what to say but i dont think i could do group therapy type thing .. sod that !

kierans bot beens sleeping well either tbh and i have lost my temper a few times of late - i hate it but i just get so lost !

 

[jenny_wren]

i get really angry really easilly as well
and im forever telling emily off

steph have you tried natural remedies
at all? i mean if you cant get a doctors
app could you ask them over the phone
maybe to write you a prescription or tell
them its serious and you need to see one asap!
if not there's a few natural remedies
that might work for you

while im on here i might as well update
sorry ive not been around ... im on 50mg
of amitriptyline and so far apart from a few
terrible days they seem to be working ive only
been on them for about 5 weeks so will keep
going for the minute ... i do get really angry
and stressed really easilly and although im
proud of emily i still dont feel love for her and
i hate it i should be a mummy who's on cloud 9
and im just not hopefully one day soon

ive got a few things to look forward to over the
next few months so trying to focus on them really

hugs to those who need them ​

 

[AP]

oh jenny & steph i thought i was on my own on that one!xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[pip holder]

Sandi you saying about your anger has made me brave enough to finally post in here

LO is 13 weeks now - gorgeous, fairly good baby, usual probs that we all go through but the real issue is me. I had a hideous pregnancy and got every illness possible and could hardly walk by the end of it, I believe my feelings deteriorated from there really.

If I'm not crying at NOTHING I'm super angry and vile. I feel so hormonal like I'm still pregnant ( I'm not btw) I feel sometimes that I haven't bonded properly with LO even though I'm BFing him (also had terrible feeding issues at first) and he'd be better off without me

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I lie awake thinking paranoid things.

When I drive I'm getting road rage, I flipped on a woman in asda for parking n the baby space - I know we talk about this a bit in baby club and you're all probably think 'good on her' but I mean flipped, I even put a note on her window calling her a tw*t.

I speak to my OH terribly and he really isn't that bad but I just feel a deep deep rage over most things these days that I can't control, I have no libido and feel really guilty about that too. I feel like no one else knows what my LO needs properly and the pressure is bad.

I bear grudges and overreact to everything and I just don't like who I've become. I was never like this, I used to be fun-honest!

What do I do? See how things go? Speak to someone? I'm terrible at opening up in RL and would probably sit and smile and pretend to be fine if anyone asked. Or am I just settling in to being a new mum. I don't want to seem dramatic.
Aargh help

See - crying again just bloody typing this.

 

[carolyn_s]

sorry guys rant needed,

been feeling better but low and behold a few small things happen today and i want to go and hide in my bedroom and cry. im prob being stupid - i just want to be normal!!

My HV told me that when my pregnancy hormone kicked in (im about 15weeks with number2) that it would counteract the pnd....yea thats gone well.

i feel guilty when i cry because it cant be good for tadpole but that makes me feel worse and i cry more.

i though i was going to be evicted from my flat today which made me go downhill very quickly, managed to sort it. Then the sky remote broke so i threw it against the wall...

Abby has been so good recently but i turned my back for 1 min and all the dvd's were out the cupboard and out the boxes prob now scratched and unwatchable. she is throwing tantrum after tantrum and i cant cope...dont want to phone Hv.

i think everyone thinks im all better and should be supermum.

there are a pile of dishes by the sink and i plain and simple just cant be ar*ed

i dont know where to go from here but it has helped just to thump the keyboard a bit.

thanks guys xx

 

[AP]

the anger thing was disturbing me, but understood after i read this and the comments

https://www.babble.com/Feedback/Fee...-My-Temper-And-I-Think-Thats-Okay/index3.aspx

glad we arent alone

 

[Ablaski17]

hey guys ,

Iam not sure if Iam posting in the right section but I guess Ill take a shot. Hayley is a month old today. Since she was like 2 weeks Ive just been really irritable ...I feel like I flip out on the hubby everyday and cant help it and after I do it I feel so guilty I sit and say sorry for hours and cry. When he leaves for work I just want him home with me all day. It might sound selfish but I was never like this. I dont know why but anytime he is away I miss him terribly. As for doing my mom duties I think Iam doing pretty much ok she is a good baby so far dont wanna jinx myself. If someone could just shed somelight on this please thanks.

 

[nkbapbt]

Lottie and sb22 - I just wanted to offer another option instead of PND....I was recently diganosed with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder which I basically developed during or after Lakai's was in the NICU, it's EXTREMELY common with preemie/and or moms of ill/special needs babies. It can present itself very much like PND but it's not the same thing. I had horrible nightmares and flashbacks of our NICU stay. I have a really hard time falling asleep at night because my mind tends to wander and I can't shut it off from thinking about every little detail of either Lakai's NICU journey or his development now.

Its also very natural and common for preemie moms to worry (sometimes rightly so and sometimes irrationally) about their babies futures and what it holds for them. Not only for their child but them.

I think even full term moms have these worries, but its usually far more intense and powerful with preemie moms due to our babies rough starts. There is no magic 8-ball that can predict our babies futures and that's a really tough thing to deal with at times.

I also think its normal for preemie moms to wish or wonder why they didn't have a full term and "normal" baby. And to think how things would be and could be easier if they had. No one wants to see their baby go through the things they do in the NICU and its nothing to feel guilty about if you wonder why you had to go through it too.

I struggled for months with guilt over Lakai's early birth, I had a very hard time not blaming myself. I thought about every thing I did while pregnant and came up with a whole list in my head of things I could have done to cause it. It still crops up from time to time, but I can say it does get better.

As does worry about every little thing and your babies future. I think I stopped worrying about every milestones and detail of Lakai's development around when he was six months and I still worry when he arrives at the age where they claim he should be doing this or that developmentally. I even make posts on another preemie only forum sometimes worrying about if I should be worried about different things...and the funny thing whenever it's about his milestones? He has always reached them within days of me posting LOL!

I was put on meds for my PTSD and they did help but honestly? Time was the biggest healer. As was just learning to relax and enjoy Lakai for who he is and not what he may or may not become.

In the end of this very long post...I can say without a doubt it will get better. It has too.

I know it's easy for me to say that now because Ive made it past this point, but try to breath, try to stop worrying about everything and don't feel guilty.

Enjoy your baby for who they are today and stop wondering about tomorrow!



Lottie - I think your dr is a crack job if he really thinks you should wait for treatment until Findlay gets over his problems. I am not sure why they think having a stressed out and PND or possible PTSD momma is a good thing and something that can wait.

Honestly hon? I would seek another opinion.

Speaking up was the best thing I ever did and it wasn't easy...but Im glad I did it.

 

[nkbapbt]

hey guys ,

Iam not sure if Iam posting in the right section but I guess Ill take a shot. Hayley is a month old today. Since she was like 2 weeks Ive just been really irritable ...I feel like I flip out on the hubby everyday and cant help it and after I do it I feel so guilty I sit and say sorry for hours and cry. When he leaves for work I just want him home with me all day. It might sound selfish but I was never like this. I dont know why but anytime he is away I miss him terribly. As for doing my mom duties I think Iam doing pretty much ok she is a good baby so far dont wanna jinx myself. If someone could just shed somelight on this please thanks.

I swear I could have written this post myself. I feel the exact same way..and Im not sure why. I have my theories though...I think I am sometimes scared of my mom duties. Not because I don't like them or I am doing anything wrong, but I what if I do, do something wrong...what if something happens.

I think I miss my hubbys support and so on when he isn't around and yet he drives me a little batty too!

Im sorry I am not more help and don't have any answers for you...but I wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling this way.

 

[AP]

nkbapbt you hit thenail on the head with something there - for about the last two weeks I keep thinking about the first days with Alex, the birth. It was not traumatic, i was quite calm about it all knowing I was a preemie too, but I find it sooooo hard to get to sleep thinking about it.

I dont want counselling anymore I dont want to talk to her. The woman was nearly in tears, I need support, not pity.

 

[jenny_wren]

^^ change to a different one
i hate shrinks who pity you rather than
slap sense into you!

im always terrified im going to do something
wrong and something horribles going to happen

i think im starting to cope you know
im finally taking steps to make myself happy
emily's alot more 'mummyfied' as we call it
im really starting to feel like a mother in control
i still have bad days but generally i feel happier
im hoping this is the start to greater things



you watch now ive finally admitted to it
i'll crash and burn ​

 

[nkbapbt]

nkbapbt you hit thenail on the head with something there - for about the last two weeks I keep thinking about the first days with Alex, the birth. It was not traumatic, i was quite calm about it all knowing I was a preemie too, but I find it sooooo hard to get to sleep thinking about it.

I dont want counselling anymore I dont want to talk to her. The woman was nearly in tears, I need support, not pity.

If the person you are seeing now isnt working for you switch. You don't need pity, you are right!

I personally refused to go talk to someone, not because I do not think professionals help. But because I just know it's not for me. I just don't believe everything they say or something because I just dont think you can understand certain things about being a preemie parent if you have not been there. I find it far more useful to talk to you ladies, knowing Im not alone and getting advice from people who have been through it.

I think what you learn at school and in books to become is all well and good but nothing compares to actually living through it. I felt the same way about my NICU nurses, I had a much easier time relating and talking personally to the ones who had a preemie themselves. Not to say the others did not know, but there was great comfort in talking to someone who truly "got it".

I wish I had some advice about the sleeping thing, Im still struggling HARD with falling asleep to the point Ive thought about quitting pumping in order to take sleeping pills. Ive even taken some just to get some sleep and pumped/dumped.

I stay up till like 4am some nights which sucks because then I sleep late which causes tension in my relationship!

 

[bumpsmum]

Glad your starting to feel bit better Jenny and like you say there will be the odd bad day but hopefully they will become fewer and fewer. Like you I feel a difference. I feel lighter if that makes sense. Seen my psychiatrist last week, he said I was not taking a high enough dose of Imipramine and whilst I had started to sleep and less anxious and shaky my mood was still very low and needed a high dose to have any anti-depressive benefits so I am slowly increasing the dose every 3 days and I can honestly say I feel a bit more positive.

Really enjoying Matthew (I always did, love him to bits but it felt I was doing the day to day and even that half-arsed) he's becoming a wee stunt man basically rolls everywhere throws himself if your holding him so he slides down your body to the floor, can now pull himself to standing ans is so proud of himself for it. Dont think he will crawl but can see him on his feet quite early which is fab considering he was prem. Even today took him to baby clinic to get weighed (for months HV weighed him weekly then fortnightly at home as for some reason baby clinic had me having panic attacks I could not face it) but today was 2nd time I went

Matthew is so flipping wriggly there is no way I can now dress/undress him on my lap he just wriggles and squirms and gets himself to standing holding on to chair before that would have had me in a cold sweat and my heart popping out my chest thinking other mums would think I could not manage but today a few folk in and watching him and had nothing but nice things to say!

Sorry im ranting here girls !

Nic alot of what you have said has made a great deal of sense, I lay awake imagining the worse possible scenario, cant sit in the car with OH without visualising us crashing, a car hitting us from behind, side on, the car flipping over etc. The guilt 'could I have done anything different in pregnancy'. Every slight infection/cold in my head Im dreading the worse meningitus, RSV all that...... I wouldnt say Matthew's early arrival was traumatic as I felt prepared as id been ill for weeks but I kind of glossed over missing out on bonding etc for the first few months and very much put on a brave face and show I was strong and was coping. In my head I think I was putting on a front incase anyone thought I might suffer PND when 6 months down the light I just fell apart. I now see a psychiatrist and have a keyworker with the community mental health team who is working with me weekly to understand my depression as well as assessing me for other mental health issues relating to self harm etc but thats a whole other rant...................

How is everyone else, Kirsty you still around hun? Carolyn howz you mrs you glowing yet or is that still morning sickness? xx

 

[carolyn_s]

Hey bumpsmum,
good to hear from you. MS is passing and everyone has told me im starting to glow... i cant see it myself through the spots and greasy hair! Starting to get my energy back which is making chasing abby a lot easier...
As for the pnd, im still aware of feeling low from time to time but this is the most 'normal' i have felt in a long time.
Chris can handle my moods a lot better now that they arent everyday. im gonna start going to a mum and baby group in a couple of weeks time (my health visitor has been suggesting i go for months) but i have finally agreed to it.

how old is Matthew now? how is it going being back at work? xx

 

[bumpsmum]

Matthew is nearly 10 and a half months cant believe its went so fast - started saying mama 2 days ago but only when he's moany or fed up so alot haha he just wants to be upright 24/7 but cant leave him to it just yet so he's been quite demanding and alot of work this week BUT SOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT.

Work going well, still dont feel back yet as I have moved teams and starting from scratch but I feel an adult again and as if the old me is starting to come back, also it makes spending time with Matthew all the more special xx

 

[carolyn_s]

Matthew is nearly 10 and a half months cant believe its went so fast - started saying mama 2 days ago but only when he's moany or fed up so alot haha he just wants to be upright 24/7 but cant leave him to it just yet so he's been quite demanding and alot of work this week BUT SOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT.

Work going well, still dont feel back yet as I have moved teams and starting from scratch but I feel an adult again and as if the old me is starting to come back, also it makes spending time with Matthew all the more special xx

I know what you mean, starting to feel like your own person again as opposed to 'mum'.
Abby has discovered 'hiya' and its all she says... at least she isnt saying bugger anymore haha!!
Ive got loads more energy now, had my 12 week scan and all is good got my first midwife appointment 2moro evening, chris is super excited about it all which is really sweet.
Glad works going well - a new challenge will prob do you good. I know its sad and it will be ages yet but i cant wait to get back into the big bad world of work, i used to do nights and some days though so im gonna be looking for something completely new! take care xxx

 

[Aidedhoney]

Hello Ladies

I think i may have PND.........There i have said it out loud.
Been reading your posts and i can relate to them all.

I am so sad and tearful all the time, my poor OH has had a hell of a time, feels like i am constantly angry at him (for no good reason really as hes such a wonderful man). I am ashamed to admit it but i have thrown things (OH clothes last night and on the odd occasion the remote or my phone).
I worry all the time about everything i worry about bad things happening to Alex, worry about silly things really that make no sense.
Sometimes i think that everyone would be better if i wasnt here.
I think that everyone is out to get me.
Worry that my OH will leave me

I could go on and on really,

I have the doctor tomorrow at 9am.

Sorry if its a bit jumbled having a moment

 

[carolyn_s]

Hey hun, it does sound as though you have the symptoms! Its good that you are seeing the Dr 2moro, i made and cancelled 3 or 4 appointments before i actually went and admitted what was wrong. My main regret is not doing it sooner! No matter how tempting dont act like everything is ok 2moro, just let it all out and be honest.

I cried for ages at my first (and many since) dr's appointment, i thought she would think i was mad. i had no idea that so many other people were feeling the way i was!

Have you told your OH what you think is the matter? Ive thrown many things in the last few months, just try and remember that its not your fault! There are so many ways to make it easier - from counselling to meds to simple things like keeping a diary.

Big hugs!!xx

 

[Aidedhoney]

Thank you Carolyn it helps to have actually said it out loud ifykwim? Your avatar is lovely what a wee cutie pie.
I have good moments and bad moments and i know that if i am to get the help i need i have to be honest tomorrow about it all.

OH and i had a huge row last night, he was going to leave me (not for the first time) cried and cried and told him what i suspect, he has stayed but only as my friend.......not as my OH. I pray and pray that i can get myself sorted and we can going back to him been my OH.
He says he loves me but because we have had problems for what feels like forever he feels he cant give himself back to me.
So scared that i lose him and of course really ashamed at how i have behaved towards him.

We have had a rough time of it the last 18months we lost twins at 16wks then i fell pregnant very quickly with Alex.
Alex has a heart condition that was picked up at 16wks so the whole pregnancy was filled with stress and worry feel like its been one huge rollercoaster and i just want to get off it soooooo bad.

Thanks for reading am rambling now but helps to try and get it all out feels like i am losing the plot