Pregnant by a controlling emotional bully

[sparklydee]

Hi everyone
I've been lurking for a little while just reading and plucking up the courage to start joining in but everybody seems so friendly - I'm just going to jump on in! My situation is a little crazy and I'm feeling just a teeeeeeny bit emotional right now, so it may be a LONG story and thank you in advance to anyone who makes it to the end!!

A little background as it's kinda relevant to how I am feeling ....
I'm 35 and I am a single mum to two children aged 12 and 10. I'm divorced from their father after a 10 year marriage and we are on amicable terms (although it wasn't always that way!!) My 10 year old son is Autistic with Aspergers syndrome and he also has ADHD... life is already pretty crazy.

I am self employed, but as I earn very little from my business because of paying off debts, I am on working tax credits and I get a housing benefit top up. I claim DLA (disability living allowance) for my son and without that extra money I wouldn't be able to survive. Things are very tight ... I'm 6 weeks pregnant and I've been with FOB for 2 years. We don't live together as I can't risk losing benefits if he moved in with us ... and because he's not exactly got a "proper job" at the moment, so he can't support me and my two existing children with a roof over our heads (I do get maintenance from their dad tho) PLUS the little bean when s/he arrives.

Ok the real story ... FOB and I have had a volatile relationship for as long as I can remember. He over talks me, interrupts me to the point I end up in tears from not being able to speak and then makes me feel bad because I clam up and don't want to talk anymore or can't remember what I was trying to say as he talked all over it till I stopped speaking. I don't ever feel like he acknowledges what I am trying to say when I try talking about our relationship - he just explodes, then gets defensive and shouty about how I shouldn't have even felt that in the first place. I'm scared to get words mixed up or remember things in the wrong order because he then starts a new argument about that - heaven forbid I mis-quote him.

My friends and family can't stand stand him and have been telling me to ditch him for as long as I can remember. We've split up more times than I have fingers & toes to count on, but somehow I end up back with him because he finds a way of making me "realise it was all my fault" and I end up apologising for everything!!

Since finding out I was pregnant, I can honestly say it's been awful between us. His first comment when I told him I was pregnant was that it was hardly a great time (the living situation & finances) and that maybe we should consider a termination - then the best bit ... try again in a year!! I'm totally pro-choice ... for other people, but it's not MY choice. Besides, FOB was the one that convinced me to come off the pill in the first place!!! I went on the pill when FOB and I got serious and exclusive... but apparently (according to him) my emotions were "too up and down" on the pill. He said we'd just be careful and if it happened, we'd deal with it. That was about 6 months ago, and yes - we've been "careful" but it just took just one time of him NOT being careful and I got pregnant!!

He's kind of come around to the idea of the pregnancy since then - he told me he'd freaked out but would be supportive and wanted to be there for me and our child.... but we've argued all over Christmas. He walked out on me twice in the same day a few days ago because he "didn't want an argument" - he walked out on Christmas eve because he "had to get home for the dog" after being here for just 2.5 hours and hardly saying anything until I started talking ...

Is anyone else in a similar situation? I don't even know what my question is ... I guess I just needed to get some stuff off my chest. I hate the fact that FOB is acting like such a loser all the while making it sound like it is supposed to be my fault. I have NO idea how I am going to cope through the pregnancy, let alone at home alone with 3 kids when LO comes along.

My EDD is August 18th btw the one thing I AM actually happy about is this baby who is already very much wanted!!!

 

[ancl]

hey I've seen this situation growing up and all I can say maybe to even help is just kick him to the curb. If you have handled things on your own this long then continue to do so. emotional abuse is just as bad Im sure you know this and that is not what you need being pregnant and having 2 other children to take care of. I know I dont know the situation as I am a stranger on the web but believe me YOU DESERVE BETTER than that as does your children and unborn child. Remember there are always someone better than a mean guy

 

[Pyrrhic]

It's only going to get worse hun

 

[sparklydee]

Exactly what my close friends are saying and they are close friends not internet strangers.

It's hard to break free - I seem to be in some kind of cycle and I don't understand WHY it is so hard! As I posted above, he has a way of making it reasonably sound like it IS all my fault so I end up apologising to HIM for almost even having the nerve to have been upset in the first place.

 

[odd_socks]

welcome, sorry to hear about things

 

[AP]

Welcome sparklydee. I'm sorry you're in such a awkward position though you'll get loads of advice here though x

 

[~NEL~]

Welcome. Sorry to say but things will only get worse.

 

[Croc-O-Dile]

Take it from someone who's been there, it will turn physical if it hasn't already. Emotional abuse is just a stepping stone to physical violence.

 

[Kalah]

Take it from someone who's been there, it will turn physical if it hasn't already. Emotional abuse is just a stepping stone to physical violence.

Yep. You need to leave him now. I understand it can be hard so you need to cut him out completely. Block his number so you can't be tempted to call, lock your doors at all times, tell him it is OVER and stick to it. Then, and this is the most important part, be with your friends as much as possible for support. Remind yourself of only the bad times and forget the good times. Once that tie is broken you will feel so much better!!

 

[Adie]

As someone who has witnessed similar growing up, leave as soon as you can. I cannot tell you how horrible it was hearing my mother's boyfriend saying the most awful things to my mother, whilst I was in bed, feeling helpless and scared. Please give this baby a better start, so that he/she doesn't have to witness what your two boys already have
Women don't need a man in their lives to survive. Some women are better off single, because they tend to unintentionally pick bad relationships. You can do it by yourself.

 

[tjw]

My ex started off like that and after a few years he hit me for the first time. Acted mortified afterwards.... for a while. Very quickly it got to the point where I was being beaten almost every day. I had no friends left and never got to see my family as my ex controlled every part of my life by then. Eventually I ended upin hospital suffering seizures and found out I had developed epilepsy due to repetative blunt trauma to the head which had caused brain damage. At hospital I finally had some time away from him (for the first time in almost 10yrs) when visiting hours were over and a very kind nurse listened to me when I told her what had been happening to me. She called my parents and she made sure security knew he was not allowed in the building.

I owe my life to that nurse. I don't doubt I would have been dead by now if I'd stayed with him.

Anyway, fast forward just over three years and here I am now with a fantastic partner, a lovely step daughter, beautiful baby girl of my own, and a new babe on the way.

PLEASE do yourself and your children a favour and ditch this guy before you sink into a hole that you can't get out of. You may think it's hard to start again, but trust me, if I had the chance to re-do things, I would have left my ex YEARS before I eventually did.

 

[magicbubble]

hi i think you need to do what you think is right for you and your family. i hope it works itself out xxx

 

[sparklydee]

Girls thank you all so much for your messages. I can tell you I'm a little overwhelmed by all of the support here - and the PMs - thank you all. It'll take me a little time to reply to the individual messages I've had as I'm exhausted right now and need to crawl into bed!

I don't know what is going to happen in the future, but right now I've not seen or spoken to him since Christmas eve and plan to avoid contact for a little while. Obviously I need to see him regarding the baby, because he does seem to actually want to be involved there ... but for right now I just want him as far away from me as humanly possible.

 

[Sophie123]

This guy is manipulating you, and unless you break free you wont be able to see the wood for the trees and this guy for what he really is. I know its so easy for other people to say it, and such an amazingly difficult situation, but you seem to know already what you need to do! You sound like a really intelligent person. I think some space from this guy would do you the world of good. Sounds like you need to build up some self confidence, and i think space will do that when you realise you are a million times better off without him and fully capable of getting through this!! Look how well you've done already with your son! I *totally* admire you. Dont let this guy steamroll you into doing things his way! You know what you're doing : ) Mums always do.

Hope you feel better for getting it off your chest!

hugs
xxxxxx

 

[Kalah]

Girls thank you all so much for your messages. I can tell you I'm a little overwhelmed by all of the support here - and the PMs - thank you all. It'll take me a little time to reply to the individual messages I've had as I'm exhausted right now and need to crawl into bed!

I don't know what is going to happen in the future, but right now I've not seen or spoken to him since Christmas eve and plan to avoid contact for a little while. Obviously I need to see him regarding the baby, because he does seem to actually want to be involved there ... but for right now I just want him as far away from me as humanly possible.

Just a word of warning, are you sure he wants to be there for the baby and not just using the baby against you as kind of a guaranteed way of keeping you in his life?

Imagine once your baby is born what if he is still being controlling and making you feel terrible while you're trying to take care of your LO and you end up in tears, unable to tend to your LO, so he says more hurtful things and then takes baby away from you? He would say he took baby because you were too busy being upset and try to make it seem like he was right and you were the bad person. That is the controlling manipulation. He's getting some kind of twisted joy in upsetting you, having that control over your emotions. I know that's a sad horrible thought, but it's likely to happen with a guy like that.

 

[sparklydee]

Just a word of warning, are you sure he wants to be there for the baby and not just using the baby against you as kind of a guaranteed way of keeping you in his life?

Imagine once your baby is born what if he is still being controlling and making you feel terrible while you're trying to take care of your LO and you end up in tears, unable to tend to your LO, so he says more hurtful things and then takes baby away from you? He would say he took baby because you were too busy being upset and try to make it seem like he was right and you were the bad person. That is the controlling manipulation. He's getting some kind of twisted joy in upsetting you, having that control over your emotions. I know that's a sad horrible thought, but it's likely to happen with a guy like that.

Because ... I am absolutely determined to rebuild all of the self confidence that he has knocked out of me. I never used to be such a weak person ... I am naturally strong, self confident - or I used to be at least. My friends and family have all told me how different I am since I met him and how much I've changed ... not for the better though!!

I am determined to get myself back and there is no way I will allow him to control me or manipulate me anymore. The "relationship" is over.

I've done my research ... I've looked into parental responsibility for when LO is born - I actually phoned the local registry office and asked them all of my questions directly so I know my facts and have all of them in place in my head ready for when we have THAT argument!! As we don't live together, he won't be with me when I go to register the baby's birth. I'm not married to him which means I cannot register him as the father on the birth certificate without him being present! As a result he won't have parental responsibility and will have to apply through the courts. He'll have to get me to consent to a DNA test (which I won't do willingly) and then apply to have his name added to get parental responsibility. This then brings up the involvement of the CSA and all sorts of things that I'm hoping he would rather avoid.

I don't plan on denying him access to his child ... I just don't want him to have any control - over me OR the LO.

 

[Kalah]

Just a word of warning, are you sure he wants to be there for the baby and not just using the baby against you as kind of a guaranteed way of keeping you in his life?

Imagine once your baby is born what if he is still being controlling and making you feel terrible while you're trying to take care of your LO and you end up in tears, unable to tend to your LO, so he says more hurtful things and then takes baby away from you? He would say he took baby because you were too busy being upset and try to make it seem like he was right and you were the bad person. That is the controlling manipulation. He's getting some kind of twisted joy in upsetting you, having that control over your emotions. I know that's a sad horrible thought, but it's likely to happen with a guy like that.

Because ... I am absolutely determined to rebuild all of the self confidence that he has knocked out of me. I never used to be such a weak person ... I am naturally strong, self confident - or I used to be at least. My friends and family have all told me how different I am since I met him and how much I've changed ... not for the better though!!

I am determined to get myself back and there is no way I will allow him to control me or manipulate me anymore. The "relationship" is over.

I've done my research ... I've looked into parental responsibility for when LO is born - I actually phoned the local registry office and asked them all of my questions directly so I know my facts and have all of them in place in my head ready for when we have THAT argument!! As we don't live together, he won't be with me when I go to register the baby's birth. I'm not married to him which means I cannot register him as the father on the birth certificate without him being present! As a result he won't have parental responsibility and will have to apply through the courts. He'll have to get me to consent to a DNA test (which I won't do willingly) and then apply to have his name added to get parental responsibility. This then brings up the involvement of the CSA and all sorts of things that I'm hoping he would rather avoid.

I don't plan on denying him access to his child ... I just don't want him to have any control - over me OR the LO.

That sounds like a good plan

I hope it all works out for you I know how hard the whole situation can be

 

[lizage]

Congrats!!! Although I didn't get pregnant I was in a similar relationship with a guy who acted like that. it can be hard to leave someone who is a big part of your life. But you and the baby and your kids deserve much better then what he is providing. I think you'll be so much happier if you take previous advice and do things to cut contact with him. Best of luck to you.

 

[xJG30]

https://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g146/GemLoux/Welc.gif :wave:

 

[bumpilicious]

sorry to be blunt but it seems that u should walk hun ! i think you know deep down and just want someone to confirm it for you ? he does not sound like father material and your living circumstances are strained all ready that i feel things will only become worse in time. Why oh why did u stop the pill when you were not getting on at all b the sounds of things ? i think you need to make a break from him after all you live seperate lies anyway and a baby will definitely not make things better if anything will make things a zillion times worse , sorry to be frank and i hope the right decision comes to you and you get the happiness you deserve xxxx