Pregnant for the 5th time...

[anxious mommy]

Following the death of one child, and two miscarriages, I'm pregnant again. Last time I miscarried, I was 5 weeks along and a heartbeat never developed. My first miscarriage happened at 4. So, my current 5 weeks along is a terrifying position, especially compounded by my anxiety disorder. I know that some cramping in a first trimester, even without bleeding can be normal, but I've never had a positive outcome with such things so their presence is currently terrifying for me. Any reassurance and support you have is greatly appreciated.

 

[dairymomma]

Hang in there. Cramping can be a good sign as it means your uterus is adjusting to the hormone changes and things are starting to stretch now that baby is there. I know to some extent what you are feeling though as I've had 8 losses and I dealt with rather bad anxiety during the first trimester of my current pregnancy. But know that it can have a good outcome. I had every sign of miscarriage under the sun with this pregnancy-bleeding, cramping, even passed a few clots-and despite this happening from 5 weeks to 10 weeks, ultrasound after ultrasound showed baby was hanging on. I'm now 32 weeks and counting.

I know it's hard to relax but try your best and just let yourself breathe. Today you are pregnant. No one knows what tomorrow will bring but today you are nurturing your rainbow. I have a son and a daughter and baby #3 is due mid-July despite all my losses so I know miracles can happen.

 

[anxious mommy]

Thanks, Dairymomma. I know you're right. I've even been through this with my current princess following her older sister's passing and my first miscarriage. I'm trying to think of the heightened anxiety as a good sign, particularly since the cramping has worn off today. Yay for crazy hormones, right? Two weeks till my first appointment with my fingers crossed for a strong heartbeat. Thanks for your support.

 

[dairymomma]

You are welcome. I know personally how hard it is to go through miscarriage after miscarriage so I understand. This baby was concieved after a 14 week loss in July and a blighted ovum in late Sept/early Oct. I didn't have a period in between my last m/c and this pg and my former dr was predicting miscarriage from my second blood draw. I even got a lecture on how I "should have waited because you were told to wait." once the bleeding started. Sure didn't make my anxiety any less to be getting nasty comments from my dr so I switched to my current OB. He's great. If you have an understanding doctor, it makes a WORLD of difference.

So try to relax. Those crazy hormones won't let you do it very much but pamper yourself-have a spa day or try a new hairstyle or go for a mani-pedi. Honestly, the only way I could get through those scary early days (and thanks to my 14 week loss, I don't breathe easy until I hit 15 weeks at least) was to pretty much try and forget I was pregnant at all when I could. It didn't work all the much but it did give me a few minutes of peace each day. I also had my dr, my naturopath, and my therapist on speed dial and talked to each of them at least once a week. Hearing someone else say my feelings of fear and anxiety were justified made a world of difference. Hang in there and hopefully the next two weeks fly by.

 

[anxious mommy]

I'm hoping so. I keep telling myself I'll breathe easier after a strong heartbeat, but it's also too easy to recall that silent sonogram a year ago in February. I have a mother's day gift certificate for a massage, but I don't know if I can get one while pregnant/first trimester, so right now it's chamomile tea and lavender aroma therapy until after I get my doctor's feedback. He was great through both of my miscarriages and always very considerate of the anxiety my first loss created, so we'll stick with him this time. I'm glad you have a better OB now. The last one sounds like he was seriously lacking in compassion and bedside manner.

 

[dairymomma]

Yeah, I love my new OB. He's been great. My former doctor was pretty good too and I honestly don't hold it against her how she treated me because I do understand why she was acting like that. This is my 11th pregnancy in 6 years and she's been there for me through 10 of them. She was getting so frustrated because my tests came back normal and I was doing everything right but I was still miscarrying and no one can tell me why. I think she was taking the situation personally because she's the doctor and she wasn't able to help me. It doesn't excuse her behavior totally but I can see why she said what she did. I've gotten over it. It just added to everything for me at the time though and I can't deal with her frustrated attitude while trying to keep myself on an even keel so I'm going to continue seeing this new doctor.

As for the massage, I've been told to avoid them due to my history but I also have unexplained bleeds in the first trimester so that's part of why I'm not supposed to have them. I also know that a massage can release toxins into your system so I think most doctors will say to avoid them until you are second tri and then again once your bump is too big to lay on unless the massage therapist has a pregnancy pillow.

 

[anxious mommy]

That makes sense. Regardless of the why, it's a good thing you have what you need now. I'm really looking forward to seeing my OB again since he's so good at putting my concerns to rest. Yesterday was a pretty good day, but today the cramps are back and I'm just stressed. At least some of that is the fact that my estranged father is likely dying and it pulls the other crazies out of my family tree with the obsession of trying to blame all the world's evils on me. Is there some way to distinguish between harmless cramps and the alarming ones aside from the absence of bleeding or the intensity of the cramp?

 

[dairymomma]

Not really from my experience. All of my miscarriages have started with minor backache and mild cramping though some of them have had bleeding start at the same time while others had bleeding start later. But with both my kids and this pregnancy, I had mild cramping/backache through the whole first trimester and I had bleeding with my current pregnancy so even bleeding isn't a go-to for me anymore. I guess I'd say if the cramping picks up and gets more regular, then it's possibly something to worry about but if it's just mild aches and there's no pattern, then it's probably just baby getting tucked in. And anxiety can make things worse. I'm sorry to hear about your father and that your family is trying to put the blame on you. I know that anxiety and stress can cause you to be even more aware of what's going on with your body and dehydration can cause cramps. So take it easy, push fluids (bladder infections or UTIs can also cause aches and crampiness), and try to relax as best you can. This too shall pass and hopefully your family situation resolves itself so you don't have to worry about that part anymore at least. Thinking of you.

 

[anxious mommy]

I'm drinking so much water, I'm spending as much time in the bathroom as I did full term with dd. My family's craziness is why I don't usually talk to them and I'm hesitant to go and see my father. Fortunately, the cramps seem to vary in intensity and sometimes go away completely. Thanks again for the support.

 

[dairymomma]

You are welcome.

 

[anxious mommy]

Update since you've been following, my father decided not to die after all, which is fine, just makes the drama beforehand super aggravating. And I had my first scan today. Could see the sac and yolk, but no heartbeat. Doc thinks I might just be too early. Which is possible, but also how my last mmc started minus the more dramatic threatened miscarriage before hand. Hopeful still for a good response.

 

[dairymomma]

Glad some of the family drama resolved itself and that your scan went okay. I'm trying to do the math to figure out how far along you are and I'm thinking you are between 6-7 weeks? So yes, a heartbeat might not be visible yet as it doesn't start beating until after 6 weeks. The fact that there is a yolk sac is a very positive sign so I'd hang on to that hope. Did they do an abdominal scan or a transvaginal? The transvaginal is more accurate as they can get a closer look at things. With my early scan at 6 weeks, they couldn't see anything other than a 'possible gestational sac' with the abdominal scan but when they did the transvaginal one, they found baby and a hb. I was measuring 6+1 at the time and the technician had to hunt for several minutes before he could find the sac and baby.

 

[anxious mommy]

By lmp I'm 6 weeks 5 days, but I have a history of ovulating late in my cycle, so it's possible that I'm actually only 5w5d. They did both types of ultrasounds. She could hardly find anything with the abdominal and just the sac and yolk with the tramsvaginal. Which is all we found last time when I had a mmc with fetal death occurring at 5w5d. Scary time, but still lots of hope. I haven't been spotting any at all and the cramping is almost nonexistent at this point. Some yesterday after a pelvic exam, but nothing else. Just waiting on the tests.

 

[dairymomma]

Looks like you are spot on with the later date then. I ovulated later with both my kids and thus they moved my due date back by a week. I measured right on with those dates the whole pregnancy. So yeah, there's still hope. FX your next visit shows a flicker too!

 

[anxious mommy]

That's the prayer. I should here tomorrow at the latest where my hcg levels are and what they're doing. All my symptoms have dropped off, but my OB is pretty confident that's not a definite anything. So, waiting, hoping, and praying.

 

[dairymomma]

Hang in there.

 

[anxious mommy]

Lab update: the numbers doubled and my OB is calling it promising. So now to wait for the repeat scan on the 19th in hopes of seeing a beautiful, healthy little one about 7 weeks along.

 

[dairymomma]

That's great news about the rising hCG! Glad to hear it!

 

[anxious mommy]

Me too. Now just hanging tight for a heartbeat on the 19th.

 

[dairymomma]