Pregnant for the 5th time...

[anxious mommy]

I'm having a freak out day. I haven't had any symptoms all day, and I just wiped and I think I saw some barely there pink spotting. I can't tell if I'm imagining it or if I'm just a bit chafed from sex and a pending yeast infection. I don't have a car, today, so I can't go to the ER because I don't have a car. So scared.

 

[dairymomma]

Hang in there. I know it's scary and I know what you are feeling right now. I wish I could you through my computer screen because I know the fear. I know it so well and I know how hard it is to try and be positive right now. What you need to do right now is crawl into bed or lay on the couch, drink plenty of fluids, and try to distract yourself. I always grab a book or put a movie going to try and take my mind off what's happening. Sure, it doesn't work but at least I feel like I'm trying. I could go on about how spotting can happen after sex or just because you are pg and it doesn't necessarily mean a thing or how symptoms can disappear due to worry & anxiety as well as your body adjusting to your hormones or the placenta taking over but I know from experience that hearing those things doesn't ease the fear. So I won't babble on about reasons for your symptom loss and the spotting. I'm just going to say I'm here and I know what you are feeling and I understand it. All you can do is take it easy and try to relax as best you can. I know it feels impossible but you can only try. Thinking of you.

 

[anxious mommy]

Thanks. That's what I did. And discovered that I apparently have a small tear by my episiotomy scar from my first pregnancy. I'm thinking, hoping, and praying that that'd where the pink came from. Under normal circumstances I probably wouldn't have noticed it. Cramps have disappeared with hydration. So I'm feeling better, but still nervous. Next Thursday I'll know something and that will make all the difference. I hope.

 

[dairymomma]

Hope you are feeling better today.

 

[anxious mommy]

Kinda. No spotting or cramping, but also no symptoms. One part of me is relieved, the other is convinced that this is another mmc. I'm not sure what's instinct vs. anxiety. But I'm hanging in there until the u/s on the 19th. It's weird. Despite the split, I mostly feel calm. Very few periods of identifiable panic. I guess I just don't know how I'm doing today.

 

[dairymomma]

That's how I was at the start of this pg. Calm and collected most of the time but then I'd have these periods of really bad anxiety and apathy where I was convinced it was all over. It's hard but hang in there.

 

[anxious mommy]

That's all I can do. Still feeling apathetic today. I'm not sure which I prefer. The apathy or the anxiety.

 

[anxious mommy]

And today is a yay day. A nauseated till I wretch day. I'm still terrified of the 19th. I so desperately want that heartbeat. For me. For my husband who takes each of our losses as hard as I do. Watching his soul be crushed time and time again, counting losses, it just hurts and I'm very afraid of being hurt again. Which feels good to say.

 

[dairymomma]

Yay for morning sickness! I know it's hard but the days are creeping by and before you know it, your appt will be here. Thinking of you!

 

[anxious mommy]

Thanks. I'm sensing a pattern. Every couple of weeks my symptoms disappear, particularly after an emotional trigger like a heartbeat free u/s or possible spotting, and then they come back with a vengeance in a few days. Last time after I got the encouraging test results and this time on their own. Regardless, Pukey and blah for a few days is a small price if this little one turns out healthy. Just till Thursday. Doesn't seem so far right now.

 

[dairymomma]

Sounds like anxiety is working against you. I know when my anxiety is sky-high that's when my symptoms disappear. Hoping it's the same for you.

 

[anxious mommy]

Seems to be. All of it seems pretty mild today. And I can't pi. Down how I think Thursday's appointment is going to go. Regardless, just two more days and I'll know. Fingers crossed for good news.

 

[dairymomma]

Def FX on my end too!

 

[anxious mommy]

Thanks. Come tomorrow morning I'll have my answer.

 

[anxious mommy]

Perfect heartbeat. Measuring 7 weeks 4 days. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful sound.

 

[dairymomma]

Yay!

 

[anxious mommy]

Next appointment weeks.

 

[marathongirl]

Anxiousmommy- if you don't mind me asking how far are you from LMP? The reason I'm asking is that I am currently 7+3 from LMP and had an us yesterday where they say a fetal pole but no hb. I know you have been in limbo like me for the past while and things seem to be going in the right direction for you now!! Congrats on the hb btw
I feel like my symptoms are getting stronger and I have no signs of cramping or bleeding. Im supposed to go back in 2 weeks for another us to see what's going on. My doctor is convinced I will mc in the next couple of weeks. I don't quite remember your story but I know it wasn't all positive for you either. I just don't feel ready to give up yet. Any insight would be great.

 

[dairymomma]

Marathon-how sure are you of ovulation dates? It's possible you aren't as far along as you thought if you ovulated later and that's why there isn't a hb yet. With my other kids, I'm fairly certain I ovulated up to a week after I thought I did because they measured 5-7 days smaller than my lmp the entire pregnancy.

 

[anxious mommy]

I second Dairymomma. As of today, with my adjusted due date, I'm 7 weeks 5 days. I didn't have any spotting and my cramping was all minimal and probably stretching pains or implantation related. My symptoms flickered in and out. But, two weeks ago, when they thought by lmp that I was 6 weeks 4 days, all they could find was a sac and yolk sac they guessed was between 5 and 6 weeks gestation. And they were right. I ovulated late in my cycle (as I seem to be prone to after revisiting dd #2's gestational history). Long and short, you're not out of hope
And don't try and read the ultrasound yourself. I couldn't spot the heartbeat, I needed the ultrasound tech to point it out. So hope. Plenty of hope. Fingers crossed for you.