Proserpina
Mother of Dragons
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2012
- Messages
- 1,219
- Reaction score
- 24
(UPDATE 12-11-2013: I asked for a divorce.)
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My husband and I married young. I was 21 and he was 22. He's always been a little on the immature and naïve side when it's come to adult matters, and when we were young, I think I just assumed he would grow out of that.
He didn't. Over the years he has proven time and time again that he simply does not "get" adult matters, especially when they pertain to finances. Every 3-6 months, he does something financially that gives me a huge headache that I have to fix. For example, last year he spent our rent money on a $400 work expense and didn't tell me about it. I learned of it a few days later when I was looking in my online account and saw that there wasn't enough money to cover the rent check I had just written. He also signed up for weight training lessons, telling me that they would cost about $200. I told him we couldn't afford it and to get that money back. A few weeks later, when I was cleaning out the car (and he still hadn't gotten the money back yet), I found his weight training contract. It was $204 a MONTH for 4 months for a total of $816! "About $200" my ass! I wound up having to put a stop on the payments and do a chargeback on the initial charge of $204 because the gym was refusing to give the money back at that point.
As irksome as all of this was, like I said, it usually only happened every 3-6 months. It was a headache and I would fix it and that was that.
Until this year. I conceived on or around December 28, 2012, and almost immediately after I got pregnant, DH went off the deep end with the irresponsibility. He began making absolutely terrible money at work, less than minimum wage (his loser boss pays him on commission when he shouldn't---that's a whole other story), and he's gone 6 days a week using our only car to work an awful 12 - 9 PM shift. In March he brought home two absolutely terrible paychecks amounting to $6-$7 an hour in wages for the time he put in, and I told him enough was enough and he needed to look for a different job, but he refuses. He loaned his loser boss $200 in January so that loser boss could go on a date (!) and hasn't been repaid yet; he refused to even ask him for it until I said I was leaving. A martial arts studio that he had taken a few lessons at began fraudulently debiting our account in December, and he hasn't gotten all of that money back yet, but is adamant that I not file a chargeback against them.
But the biggest problem has been a woman whom I'll call Bimberly.* Bimberly moved to Illinois from Utah quite recently, and for reasons I cannot fathom, Bimberly put in an application at DH's place of employment and got hired. The problem: Bimberly lives 20 miles away from her job and does not have transportation to work. She has no plans for getting a car anytime soon. Instead of letting Bimberly reconcile this problem on her own, DH leaped in on a white horse and said, "I'll drive you to and from work! Every! Single! Day! And you don't even have to pay for your gas or tolls, I'll do it for free!" Lucky, lucky Bimberly.
DH did not consult me on any of this. He just said, "Oh, there's a co-worker who needs rides, I'm going to help her out." He didn't say, "This co-worker lives 20 miles away and it's going to cost us $11 a day in gas and tolls every day that we do this and I'll be gone an extra 2 hours a day on top of my already horrible work schedule, is that okay with you?" He just started doing it, and I watched in shock and horror as our gas evaporated and the odometer on our car skyrocketed. There were some half-fulfilled promises for Bimberly to at least begin paying for her gas and tolls (never mind the wear-and-tear on our car), but that ended quickly.
I tried to intervene. I sat DH down and showed him how much extra mileage this is putting on our car (which currently sits at 109K miles and required several thousand in repairs last year). I showed him the astronomical costs of all this. I explained to him that there is no way we can sustain this level of spending, not even with help from SSI (our daughter is disabled) and tax refunds and student loans. I eventually put my foot down and told him that the rides needed to stop. I pointed out that we are moving this summer and we need to save for a deposit and first month's rent payment on a new apartment.
He refuses to stop. He also refuses to look for another job, and lately he has been staying out every weekend until 3 AM or 6 AM with Bimberly and his boss and his other irresponsible single co-workers (I'm sure his coterie of freeloaders are a lot more fun than a pregnant wife and disabled daughter). And while there are things I could do to be subversive and make him stop, I'm done. If he won't listen to reason, maybe he'll listen to the embarrassment and hardship of declined debit cards, apartment applications, etc.
So two weeks ago, we went to our bank and took his name off the account, and I gave him his half of the account, minus what his freeloading friends owe him. I'm looking for work. I have a bachelor's degree and (almost) a master's degree, although not in horribly marketable fields, but I believe I will be able to find something. My daughter's SSI is still mine and he has agreed to pay child support, so I'm not entirely without income, but I can't survive on this forever. I have a way to get my own car just as soon as I get a job. We're still living together until the lease on this apartment ends on July 31st, with each of us being responsible for half of the rent. Once we are out into our own apartments, I will file for full legal separation.
It has already begun. His half of the account should have been more than enough to last the past two weeks, but he is completely out of money now and has been trying to pinch gas and food from me---I guess the poor baby spent too much money on Bimberly's birthday two weekends ago. I've made it clear to him that so long as he continues Bimberly's rides and refuses to reclaim the loans from his other freeloading buddies, he'll get not a dime from me.
I don't believe that my marriage is over. We're not really fighting at all and at times are still very affectionate to one another, though I've stopped sleeping with him. I consider this to be a call for him to repent. He needs to be putting his family first, spending as much time as possible with us, and saving up for our needs (apartment deposit and first month's rent, new baby stuff, a second car, etc.). NOT Bimberly's needs, not the needs and wants of his freeloading boss and other co-workers, not anyone else. I have days where I feel angry and sad, but mostly I just feel determined.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2vNuaBQNKE
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* Name changed to protect the guilty, but Bimberly is a real Utah baby name, so I think it's fitting.
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My husband and I married young. I was 21 and he was 22. He's always been a little on the immature and naïve side when it's come to adult matters, and when we were young, I think I just assumed he would grow out of that.
He didn't. Over the years he has proven time and time again that he simply does not "get" adult matters, especially when they pertain to finances. Every 3-6 months, he does something financially that gives me a huge headache that I have to fix. For example, last year he spent our rent money on a $400 work expense and didn't tell me about it. I learned of it a few days later when I was looking in my online account and saw that there wasn't enough money to cover the rent check I had just written. He also signed up for weight training lessons, telling me that they would cost about $200. I told him we couldn't afford it and to get that money back. A few weeks later, when I was cleaning out the car (and he still hadn't gotten the money back yet), I found his weight training contract. It was $204 a MONTH for 4 months for a total of $816! "About $200" my ass! I wound up having to put a stop on the payments and do a chargeback on the initial charge of $204 because the gym was refusing to give the money back at that point.
As irksome as all of this was, like I said, it usually only happened every 3-6 months. It was a headache and I would fix it and that was that.
Until this year. I conceived on or around December 28, 2012, and almost immediately after I got pregnant, DH went off the deep end with the irresponsibility. He began making absolutely terrible money at work, less than minimum wage (his loser boss pays him on commission when he shouldn't---that's a whole other story), and he's gone 6 days a week using our only car to work an awful 12 - 9 PM shift. In March he brought home two absolutely terrible paychecks amounting to $6-$7 an hour in wages for the time he put in, and I told him enough was enough and he needed to look for a different job, but he refuses. He loaned his loser boss $200 in January so that loser boss could go on a date (!) and hasn't been repaid yet; he refused to even ask him for it until I said I was leaving. A martial arts studio that he had taken a few lessons at began fraudulently debiting our account in December, and he hasn't gotten all of that money back yet, but is adamant that I not file a chargeback against them.
But the biggest problem has been a woman whom I'll call Bimberly.* Bimberly moved to Illinois from Utah quite recently, and for reasons I cannot fathom, Bimberly put in an application at DH's place of employment and got hired. The problem: Bimberly lives 20 miles away from her job and does not have transportation to work. She has no plans for getting a car anytime soon. Instead of letting Bimberly reconcile this problem on her own, DH leaped in on a white horse and said, "I'll drive you to and from work! Every! Single! Day! And you don't even have to pay for your gas or tolls, I'll do it for free!" Lucky, lucky Bimberly.
DH did not consult me on any of this. He just said, "Oh, there's a co-worker who needs rides, I'm going to help her out." He didn't say, "This co-worker lives 20 miles away and it's going to cost us $11 a day in gas and tolls every day that we do this and I'll be gone an extra 2 hours a day on top of my already horrible work schedule, is that okay with you?" He just started doing it, and I watched in shock and horror as our gas evaporated and the odometer on our car skyrocketed. There were some half-fulfilled promises for Bimberly to at least begin paying for her gas and tolls (never mind the wear-and-tear on our car), but that ended quickly.
I tried to intervene. I sat DH down and showed him how much extra mileage this is putting on our car (which currently sits at 109K miles and required several thousand in repairs last year). I showed him the astronomical costs of all this. I explained to him that there is no way we can sustain this level of spending, not even with help from SSI (our daughter is disabled) and tax refunds and student loans. I eventually put my foot down and told him that the rides needed to stop. I pointed out that we are moving this summer and we need to save for a deposit and first month's rent payment on a new apartment.
He refuses to stop. He also refuses to look for another job, and lately he has been staying out every weekend until 3 AM or 6 AM with Bimberly and his boss and his other irresponsible single co-workers (I'm sure his coterie of freeloaders are a lot more fun than a pregnant wife and disabled daughter). And while there are things I could do to be subversive and make him stop, I'm done. If he won't listen to reason, maybe he'll listen to the embarrassment and hardship of declined debit cards, apartment applications, etc.
So two weeks ago, we went to our bank and took his name off the account, and I gave him his half of the account, minus what his freeloading friends owe him. I'm looking for work. I have a bachelor's degree and (almost) a master's degree, although not in horribly marketable fields, but I believe I will be able to find something. My daughter's SSI is still mine and he has agreed to pay child support, so I'm not entirely without income, but I can't survive on this forever. I have a way to get my own car just as soon as I get a job. We're still living together until the lease on this apartment ends on July 31st, with each of us being responsible for half of the rent. Once we are out into our own apartments, I will file for full legal separation.
It has already begun. His half of the account should have been more than enough to last the past two weeks, but he is completely out of money now and has been trying to pinch gas and food from me---I guess the poor baby spent too much money on Bimberly's birthday two weekends ago. I've made it clear to him that so long as he continues Bimberly's rides and refuses to reclaim the loans from his other freeloading buddies, he'll get not a dime from me.
I don't believe that my marriage is over. We're not really fighting at all and at times are still very affectionate to one another, though I've stopped sleeping with him. I consider this to be a call for him to repent. He needs to be putting his family first, spending as much time as possible with us, and saving up for our needs (apartment deposit and first month's rent, new baby stuff, a second car, etc.). NOT Bimberly's needs, not the needs and wants of his freeloading boss and other co-workers, not anyone else. I have days where I feel angry and sad, but mostly I just feel determined.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2vNuaBQNKE
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* Name changed to protect the guilty, but Bimberly is a real Utah baby name, so I think it's fitting.
I'm so sorry. I can't believe him. What a complete asshole. You go out of your way to suggest something nice for quality time and he tells you it should be scheduled around his time with some other woman? I have no words. You deserve WAY better than that and I'm so glad you realize it!
