Pregnant, leaving my baby daddy & husband of 9 years *LONG*

[Proserpina]

Bombs away. I just sent the Facebook message to Bimberly.

Will post any updates here.

 

[daneuse27]

High five ! I hope you receive a helpful and positive response soon.

 

[Proserpina]

She replied back with a brief note thanking me for contacting her on this matter and saying she will get back to me tonight. Perfectly polite.

So, we'll wait and see.

 

[daneuse27]

Oh, the suspense..

Its awkward now that facebook informs you that the message has been read. She wanted you to know she wasnt ignoring you which is, I agree, very polite.

 

[Parkep]

That was very polite of her.. And it doesn't leave you wondering when she will reply

 

[creatingpeace]

Oh I am very curious!!! Kudos to ou also for doing this!

 

[Proserpina]

So, here is your update:

(1) Bimberly is a complete class act. I totally misjudged her. She was worried that these rides would cause problems from the start, but DH reassured her that I was cool with it and there was no problem.

(2) She thought it was a really bad idea for him to be out all night partying with them without his wife and tried to discourage him.

(3) She claims she's been paying for the rides every paycheck. This is the only part of the story that I think is "bull." But whatever.

(4) She is going to stop accepting rides from him and break up their dance partnership.

I did tell her that if she needed a few weeks to make other arrangements, either with transportation or looking for a new job, that would be fine with me. I also told her that if she can find her own transportation and DH stops partying on weekends, I won't object to them being dance partners. But I do want the rides to stop.

I told her that I had said some very cross things about her elsewhere, and even though she had never heard them, I apologized. So, "Bimberly," on the off-chance you ever find this thread and realize who I am and that I was talking about you: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting down your weight, your hair, and giving you a derisive name. Obviously I should have talked to you sooner. Please forgive me.

Doesn't mean my marriage is saved, but maybe once she's out of the picture, DH and I can begin to work on things. We'll see.

Next up will be the meeting with his church leaders on Sunday.

 

[creatingpeace]

Good for you that is progress. Good luck on Sunday.

Cheers Bimberly you aren't such a home wrecker after all.

 

[daneuse27]

Wow! If this is all true, she is a very classy woman. Your DH is a big liar though; thats a red flag that I think you should definitely look into. Do you feel you can trust him from now on?

 

[Proserpina]

Do you feel you can trust him from now on?

Nope. Trust is something we would have to rebuild.

But it's not hopeless.

PS -- If she actually stops taking rides from DH, I think I will freakin' show up on her apartment door with some delicious baked goods, to say "thank you."

 

[daneuse27]

How did the meeting with the bishop go? Have things improved since you wrote to Bimberly? I hope so

 

[Proserpina]

I have many updates to post since writing to Bimberly and talking with the bishop, but have been so busy finishing my semester (wrote 20.5 typed, double-spaced pages in the past three days! And still have an 8-10 page paper to write). Will try to get to updating this thread in the next day or so.

 

[daneuse27]

Look forward to hearing how things are going! Good luck on all the school work.

 

[Proserpina]

So much has happened in the past 1.5 weeks... where to begin?

I last posted here sometime in the day on Friday, May 17th. Late that night, DH called me and said we needed to talk when he got home, and it was really important, and it didn't matter how tired I was, it really needed to happen that night. Of course, I couldn't sleep after that anyways, waiting for him to get home.

When he came home (long story short), he gave me the most round-about "this is going to end in divorce" speech I've ever heard. Plenty of clichés present such as "we're just too different from one another now." He said he couldn't stop feeling "betrayed" by the fact that I had asked for a separation, even though he acknowledged that I had really good reasons for it. He expressed interest in starting at square one with dating me and trying to get to know me again, and I said "Screw that. We've been married almost ten years and I'm carrying your second child. I'm not going to pretend that we don't have a history when we do." Our separation and near-divorce from years ago was one of the most traumatic experiences of my adult life (he had left me suddenly and without any attempt at reconciliation), and I hated that he was moving towards forcing me to relive it. I realize that I'm the one who asked for a separation, but I did so with constructive goals in mind. I said, "This is what is wrong with our marriage, and this is how you can fix it." In contrast, he was insisting that the situation was beyond repair---same as he had 8 years prior.

He also pissed me off because he insisted that touching, snuggling, hugging me felt "unnatural" and "wrong," and that is why he has been voluntarily sleeping on the couch. Yeah, funny how he never has anything to say about how "unnatural" and "wrong" it feels when he's hard as a rock and desperate for sex! Men! I swear.

Saturday, May 18th was just horrible for me. I spent most of the day sobbing in various places around the house. Of course, DD noticed and asked what's wrong, and I couldn't help it, I just blurted out, "What's wrong is that your daddy doesn't love me anymore." I felt awful for saying anything about it in front of her, but I just couldn't hide it anymore.

That night I was sleeping in bed when he came home around midnight and woke me up. He tossed our separation agreement on the bed and said that he wanted to tear it up and work things out with me. Then he launched into how sorry he was for the way he had been treating me, how it was true that he had gone about Bimberly's rides all wrong the entire way, how he should have listened to me when I said how much the partying hurt me, how he hadn't meant to be so negligent of his family, that he wanted us both to be able to talk about our problems and find constructive solutions to them, and so on. He was more humble and apologetic and engaged to all of the things I have been saying than I have seen him in years. He was like a completely different man from the man I had spoken to on Friday night.

The one thing he said that pissed me off was that he claimed he hadn't been serious about the divorce-speech on Friday night, that he'd only wanted me to think divorce was imminent because it was the only way I would listen to him. I just don't have words for what kind of manipulative bull**** that is if true. But we'll come back to that in a second.

Let's get back to Bimberly. So, on Friday morning, May 17th, Bimberly texted him and said that she would no longer be needing rides from him, and that she needed to cancel their dance rehearsal that night. She did not say why, but he knew something was up. On Saturday afternoon, May 18th, she sent him a very lengthy text explaining to him that she has been talking with his wife and it sounds like their friendship has been coming between his marriage, so she felt like they need to put their friendship and dance partnership on hold for the time being so that he can work on "what's really important." So, there's the reason for DH's about-face. Bimberly now has her own car (she got it last week sometime), so the rides will never be an issue again.

On Sunday morning, I went to church with DH to talk to his church leaders. I said he had talked to me last night and seemed to be repenting of his behavior. His bishop asked if I would support him in getting a temple recommend, and I said yes. Beyond that, who the Mormon church wants to let into its temples is really none of my business. His bishop signed off on the recommend, leaving him with needing a signature from his stake president (more on this in a minute).

DH asked me to talk to Bimberly for him since she pretty much won't talk to him, and I did. I let her know that I was feeling better about the state of our marriage and I appreciated everything that she had done for me. I made her a peanut butter and jelly pie (I make damn good pies) and dropped it off where she works on Monday, May 20th. But that's it. I get the impression that DH would like it if I talked to her more and pushed her harder to forgive him, but I won't. That's between him and her. She feels that he lied to her and manipulated her (guess what? he did!) and she won't forgive that easily.

This past week we have done a lot of talking about finances, jobs, goals, and our other issues in our marriage. DH has been very apologetic throughout. I still have a lot of concerns and a lot of things are making me feel very wary, but I'm trying.

Last night he called me up sounding really despondent and saying Bimberly is right, he was lying to and manipulating both of us and he deserves everything that's happened to him and has only himself to blame and it doesn't sound like she'll ever forgive him. He claims he was planning on reconciling with me for a long time, but just hadn't done it yet, and it's his fault for waiting so long. I asked him why he's even bothering trying to get a temple recommend, because one of the questions on the temple recommend interview is, "Are you honest in your dealings with others?" I asked him how he answered that question when he was asked by his bishop, and he admitted that he said "yes." But now he says, "You're right, I haven't been honest with the people who matter most to me, and I really don't deserve one." I don't think he's going to bother trying to get a hold of the Stake President before we leave for the wedding on Friday.

Anyways, that's where we're at now.

 

[LastBabyforMe]

I hope the best for you and your marriage. I am praying that his self reflection and renewal will continue and make your union stronger than ever.

Selah

 

[creatingpeace]

How are you feeling about things right now?

 

[mara16jade]

Just wanted to see how you were doing. I came across your thread somehow and noticed you hadn't posted in here for a little while. Hope you all are doing ok.

 

[daneuse27]

I second that.

For some reason, after reading your post, all I could think about was your peanut butter and jam pie.

In all seriousness - it sounds like there's been a lot of improvement. Im glad your husband is now seeing where he went wrong. I hope hes stops his teenagish ways and treats you like a queen from now on.

 

[Proserpina]

So, here's an update: I birthed a healthy, 9 lb 5 oz (posterior!) son on September 29, 2013, and on October 29, 2013, I gave my husband a letter asking for a divorce. It's been 6 weeks and my feelings haven't changed in the slightest. I want a divorce.

My husband continued to neglect me for the remainder of my pregnancy. He never helped with the housework. We moved in July and he was horrible about helping with the move. As the summer waned, so did his commissions at work. By September 13, his paycheck was for $349 net for a two-week pay period. Two weeks of going in to work early, staying late, working 6 days a week, and completely neglecting his 9-months pregnant wife and disabled daughter had gotten him a measly $349. We spent more than that on after-school daycare for our daughter + gas for him to go to work, so we actually LOST money on him working those two weeks.

On September 12, 2013, we needed to pay the daycare bill and I had just gotten paid, so I gave my husband my debit card and asked him to pay it. The next day I looked at my account and saw charges I didn't recognize, but no charges for the daycare. I texted him to ask if he'd made expenses for work. His response (verbatim): "Wouldn't you like to know." He later tried to lie to me and say his boss had already paid him back (he hadn't), and he told me he had paid the daycare bill out of funds from his own account (he hadn't). I got a collections notice from the daycare 9 weeks later. I was due on September 20th, working full-time past my due date to try and save some money for our children, and my husband was stealing money from my account to loan to his loser boss and lying to me about it, acting like I was his personal work horse and he could do whatever the hell he pleased with the money I earned. In the weeks that followed, I realized that if he treated me that way when I was 9 months pregnant with his child, things were never going to get better.

I was also not able to get over whatever the hell he had with Bimberly. I was not able to get over the fact that when I gave him an ultimatum, and told him that it was either her or his family, he chose her. I wasn't able to get over the fact that he was more devoted and attentive to her needs than he was to the needs of his pregnant wife. It may have only been an emotional affair, but it destroyed our marriage as surely as the regular kind.

Finally, looking back, I'm angry that he claimed "betrayal" when I had asked for the separation and made me feel guilty for asking for it. I'm angry that he claimed he was only threatening divorce to manipulate me into listening to him, saying that I wouldn't have listened otherwise. He's so full of crap. His behavior has been borderline emotionally abusive and I'm sick of it.

I just want to thank everyone in this forum for being so incredibly warm, encouraging, and supportive. I know I write novellas on this stuff. Thanks for reading and thanks for being there for me.

 

[Ceejay123]

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