Pregnant, leaving my baby daddy & husband of 9 years *LONG*

[kassiaethne]

Hope that meeting with the bishop went well

 

[Seren0613]

9 years of more than I would have put up with. I think you're better off without your man-child.

 

[Proserpina]

I'm glad you're satisfied there's nothing physical between them. I believe "the wife always knows" and obviously you know him best.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. It's probably hard for outsiders to understand, but the "Mormon" part of him is pretty ingrained in him (even if he sometimes does a terrible job living it), and a physical affair would get him excommunicated for sure. If his lover is Mormon, she'd be ex'ed, too. That's not a complete failsafe against it, but it does make it less likely.

Stealing the phone is a good reassurance too.

Yeah. I don't like prying into his private stuff, but the texts between him and this woman were all about work or general friendship banter. One was probably a little on the flirtatious side, but clearly about their dance routine.

The texts still made me roll my eyes because she kept talking about how "blessed" she is that he's helping her out and giving her all these rides. She has no idea that he's giving her all this attention and personal focus at my expense. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and assuming that he hasn't told her anything about what their friendship has done to his marriage.

Does he realize how serious you are about planning for separation?

DH is very slow to take anything seriously, I'm afraid. We are living together until the contract on this apartment is up on July 31st, and pragmatically, his life hasn't changed very much so far. It could take some time living in separate residences before things really start to sink in.

Also surely he must know that the bishop wants to have a word with you? If so, Id be surprised if he didn't assume that you probably wouldn't have good things to say.

He does! Both the bishop and the SP told him directly that they would need to talk to me before they could consider giving him a recommend. I made a sneak appointment to see the bishop several weeks ago and went and told him everything DH was doing without DH knowing. I think DH knows that I will make his relationship with Bimberly an issue. But it's the only hope he has of not being stuck outside the temple at his sister's wedding, so he's taking it.

Hope that meeting with the bishop went well

I'm not meeting with the bishop until Sunday, May 19th. I hope it goes well, too. My big fear is that they'll wind up granting him a TR over my objections, which would seriously make me lose respect for the local leaders. But I think that is unlikely to happen.

9 years of more than I would have put up with. I think you're better off without your man-child.

I understand. I think I did not realize he was a "man-child" when I married him because he was only 22. We were both immature in a lot of ways and I assumed we'd grow out of it together.

That said, he has a lot of redeeming qualities. They just really haven't been on display lately. Example: Way back in the day, I lived in a college apartment with five other women, and I broke up with him. A few days later, flowers arrived for every woman in the apartment. Six sets of flowers, no sender. We estimated that we were looking at (cheapest guess) $120-$200 in flowers. Several of the women were dating their future husbands, and the men all denied being the sender. I didn't think DH was the sender because, hello, I'd just dumped him, and he did a good job of acting surprised when he saw the flowers in the apartment.

I didn't learn that he was the sender of the flowers until months later, when we had gotten back together and were engaged. I was shocked. I knew that DH did not have a lot of money and spending that much on flowers must have been a huge sacrifice for him. He said he'd wanted to send me flowers, but didn't want me to know they were from him, so he sent them to the whole apartment so that we'd be unable to narrow down the field of men who knew us and may have done it.

And I guess I feel like that's what's missing from our relationship. Sacrifice. He used to be the kind of guy who would do anything for me. Now he's the kind of guy who won't do a thing for me no matter how much I ask nicely, cry, beg, plead, or yell.

If he could find the man who cared enough about me to spend so much on flowers, maybe there could be hope for us.

 

[daneuse27]

Your last post reminded me of the saying "sometimes what draws you to someone is the reason you choose not to be with them."

How old is Bimberly? I find it hard to imagine that in all the time they've hung out, he hasn't once mentioned that him and his wife have been fighting. And I believe most logical people would realize that excessive time spent with a member of the opposite sex when your marriage is already on the rocks = trouble. When I was young and niave (about 20-21 years old) a married man (late 20s) befriended me. We had a lot in common, and I felt attracted to him and guessed he did to me too, but genuinely did not think anything would happen because of his wedding ring. We hung out outside of work too, which I saw nothing wrong with because its not like anything was going on. Well, I was proven wrong when he shoved his tongue in my mouth one day.
That married man is a different breed from your husband; your husband almost certainty feels attracted to Bimberly, but hes not the sort that would cheat for the thrill and fun of it like the man I knew was. Bimberly however, has to be extremely niave to think that their friendship is all well and good and there's no way "X's (insert your DH's name) wife" has any issue at all with all the time they spend together. She must also be aware that your DH is attracted to her, and she might like the attention. She's his escape from his troubled world of problems and he's putting her on a pedestal. Shes probably having as much fun with all this as he is. Again I'm speculating here, but unless she's very young or niave, I can't imagine her having no idea at all how inappropriate they are being.

That being said, I have a little bit of crazy in me, so in your shoes I'd probably be going right after Bimberly and giving her an earful of what I had to say, most of which wouldn't be nice things. But that wouldn't help really.This is all about your DH after all, not the girl. It would be better if your husband made the decision to drop her because he wanted to put YOU first; there wouldn't be nearly as much satisfaction in her making the decision to end things with him. That would not restore your trust in him and ultimately thats what needs to happen for your marriage to be saved.

 

[Proserpina]

daneuse27 ~ Bimberly just turned 24. I'm 31; DH turns 32 in early June.

This may come off as arrogant, but I think she's got absolutely nothing on me looks-wise. I'm 6'0" tall and have always had a very slender physique; I bounced back from one childbirth very well and I'm still very slender for 4.7 months pregnant. I started dying my hair red last year and it looks fantastic on me. I described Bimberly as "overweight" in an earlier post, but that's probably not fair to her. She's just on the plump side, which has never been DH's body type. I think she has some of the worst hair I've ever seen. It's very short and black/dark brown with the ends dyed a horrible golden-yellow blond, obviously done at home. Every time I see a picture of her or the few times I've seen her in person, I think, "Pepé Le Pew called and he wants his look back." If he goes for her, he's definitely doing what us religious types call trading a noble birthright for a mess of pottage (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mess_of_pottage).

I'm not worried that he's going after her because she's younger and hotter. She's younger, yes, but not hotter. I worry that they've developed a bond because they're both Mormon and they both dance, which are two things that have never been true of me. I've taken a few dance classes, and I enjoy dancing with him when we get the chance, but it's hard for a tall woman to look good dancing.

DH's last dance partner was 19 years old and definitely a 10, and I never had any problem with her.

Again I'm speculating here, but unless she's very young or niave, I can't imagine her having no idea at all how inappropriate they are being.

I think it's possible that DH has assured her that I have no problem whatsoever with the rides and I'm totally cool with all of this. He's lied to me before, so why wouldn't he lie to her?

Their texts to one another said absolutely nothing about our marital problems. Nothing about me at all.

I know that the best thing would be for my husband to drop her because he wants to put me first, but at this point I'll take whatever pressure I can get. And if he won't do the right thing, seeing him have to go through the embarrassment of not seeing his sister's wedding is a small consolation prize. His parents are devout Mormons, the sort who will be REALLY upset with him if he misses his sister's wedding due to not having a TR.

 

[daneuse27]

Given that he's lied to you and has proven to be dishonest, is it possible he's deleted the texts that he didnt want you to see? He may have suspected you'd look at his phone and only left the innocent ones on there..

 

[Proserpina]

Given that he's lied to you and has proven to be dishonest, is it possible he's deleted the texts that he didnt want you to see? He may have suspected you'd look at his phone and only left the innocent ones on there..

Doubtful. He's really not that clever nor devious.

After a lot of thinking today, I have decided that I am going to send Bimberly a message on Facebook letting her know that I'm uncomfortable with her friendship with my husband. I'm not going to accuse her of anything, just let her know that I'm not comfortable with her spending 6 hours every week alone in the car with my husband, that we can't afford the rides, that he was never up front with me about the cost or time commitment, and that when I told him to stop, he refused.

I'm hoping it will make her uncomfortable and get her to stop on her own. And if she refuses, I can tell DH's church leaders that she's aware that I'm not comfortable with her spending all that time alone with my husband, yet she won't stop. It's possible they'll tell her church leaders to have a talk with her.

I know that DH and I would still have a world of problems to work out even if I get rid of her, but it's a start.

 

[daneuse27]

I think you're doing the right thing. In her shoes, I would definitely reassess my friendship with the man in question. if she doesnt, thatll tell both you ad the bishop something.

I was thinking today that if your DH truly has lead Bimberly to believe that you are totally ok with everything and there is no issue at all, then she can't be blamed for any of this. This whole mess is most likely 100% your DH's fault.

By having a woman to woman talk with her, hopefully she can see how untruthful your dh is and realize their friendship isnt healthy.

Let us know how it goes! good luck

PS. read a bit on your blog, seems very interesting, ill probably follow

 

[Proserpina]

This whole mess is most likely 100% your DH's fault.

The more I think about it, the more I think that is the case, especially since their texts said nothing about tensions in our marriage. I mean, sure, she's a little on the dumb side for applying for a job that she didn't have transportation to. But I probably shouldn't be faulting her for jumping all over someone's generous offer to drive her.

Let us know how it goes! good luck

Thanks!

PS. read a bit on your blog, seems very interesting, ill probably follow

Thanks again! I haven't updated it a ton since the separation started, but I think I will go back to it soon. Got my 21-week U/S this morning, so there will definitely be an update for that.

 

[creatingpeace]

I find just your writing in this post to be soooooooo good. I didn't know you had a blog, going for a read now

Truth is...she is a single woman, your hubs is completely the one at fault. HAte to say that but he is the one with the responsibilty not her.

 

[Proserpina]

Thanks for the compliment!

Truth is...she is a single woman, your hubs is completely the one at fault. HAte to say that but he is the one with the responsibilty not her.

Completely agree. That's why I've been trying to move myself away from the mindset of blaming her.

 

[lilmrspanda]

Wow What an Ass I found that tough love always works best when it came down to my partner and It worked well Hope you both can work things out

Last October 2012 I had issues With my partner hanging out with a lady Friend Also way to much than Needed and the Best way to Solve it is Nip it in the bud as soon as it starts We had Week break After he had a Huge tantrum As i told him I did not like the situation that was going On and Its Ether the person you claim you Love,who you claim to want a future with and has always been there for you when needed and never asked of you for anything than this or some Girl you have meet less than 8 weeks ago Who Seems very interested in taking my Spot for less than a week to get back at her ex and you Really Want to Chuck us away over that..?..He claimed He only saw her as a Friend but Meh but claimed that the next day after He walked out on Me.. that maybe I was right and She looks at him more than a Friend and that He did not want anyone but me but I kept away from him for a Week must of took him about 2 to 3 months to trust him again fully I always Felt like Something Went on or was going to Happen I know my Bloke Like the back of my hand to know when Something " Seems Off " Due to him getting Really Upset "crying and Feeling guilty over something or a other" After that Week apart HE kind of knew that I was not messing Around And ever Since he has Cleaned up his Act Stopped Adding Random People He don't know on Fb and Looking for a better Job and Has been Completely in my good books and Gotten Keen on our Relationship to working out and Keeps Bringing up getting Married and t.t.c I think US girls are Way more mature than Men and Sometimes they just Don't get Why we get Fed up with situations they Seem to Event all by them self

 

[Proserpina]

lilmrspanda ~ Yeah, things definitely feel "off" where this woman is concerned. He's been irresponsible and negligent before, but never to this extent.

I'm really not a prude about him having female friends. Like I said, his last dance partner was 19 years old and definitely a "10," and I never took issue with her. But he wasn't giving her hundreds of dollars in free rides, trying to bring her on dates with us, partying with her on weekends until 6 AM, etc. This has definitely not been typical of him and he needs to stop if he has any hope of saving this marriage.

I'm hoping she is a naïve party in all this and that writing to her directly will send her running in the other direction. We'd still have plenty in our marriage to fix, but if she's out of the picture, there might be hope.

 

[daneuse27]

Have you contacted her on facebook yet?

 

[lilmrspanda]

I Gotten Myself Into a Situation that Was Very awkward 3 Years back when My Ex Convinced me that He and his fiance Had Split up and was only Living together Until he was able to get his own place and that they was trying to keep things Normal For there then 16 month Old Girl..the situation turned Really Messy By his Lies and I ended up being Stuck with him a Year and Feeling very sorry For the Little Girl Who I ended up Looking after Pretty much that Hole year that He really did not want Nothing to do with So it is possible that she is Just being Naive on How it is effecting you and your family..as a hole John on the other hand is a hole other Kettle of Fish He is Kind Of a loner So whenever He makes friends He kind of Clings on for them for Dear Life But I can also Relate to that as i was Like that growing up But he can't tell the difference between those who Use him and those Who are Real Friends..Like the once there was this guy he Meet on a course and According to this guy He had Lots of Neat gadgets and all this neat Stuff yet John was buying His Lunch for him as he Had no money.. And He was going on about this Guy the one day on a bus ride home and I was Like A i ant surprised he ant turned round yet and Said He own Some Fancy Gun That Just Happens He is able to get Hold of and Johns Face told it all and the penny dropped.. that he was a complete Bullshitter and was using him.. This Girl Lets Call Her H.. was hanging Round him All the time Texting Demanding him to come on the course they was on always asking what he was upto /doing and was always on his tail if I he was not on time and Was hanging out with him away from the rest of the group.. I told Him How it was Like in my last message Has a huge fall out over it as I felt she was over stepping the Line of a Friend and was stepping on my toes..Her face Fell to the Floor When I went to help out on open Day She did not Speak a word to him at one point she Tried to Stand next to him when we was talking to the other group and i Stood in front of Stating My place Well and truly After the course Finished I sent her a Nice Little message Stating that Hanging around My Bloke like fly round Shit ant going to get anywhere and to basically Leave us Alone and Let us get on with things as up until She Starting Buzzing around him we had no issues So Maybe Sending Her a message Mite Open her Eyes up on What is Actually going on Maybe She Has no IDea that its Effecting you as a Family.

 

[Dezireey]

I don't want this to come across wrong Proseprina and I understand peoples relationships are different and different things are accepted.

In my experience and learning of other experiences, once you are married and that ring is on your finger, the only type of 'friends' of the opposite sex you should theoretically have are those that are at arms length. i.e female wives of friends, work colleagues only seen at work, social friends only seen at those social functions or pastimes (if he dances and has partners, he should only be seeing these partners at the dance studio and practising at home in front of you, period)

I believe that no matter how innocent things may seem or how people become friends, men are wired differently and when they start spending a lot of time with another woman whilst married, it corrodes the marriage on a deeper level.

Their wife should be their only female best friend, the one woman they spend time with at home and out of the home.

I think it is a recipe for disaster when any partner has a special friend of the opposite sex that they spend 'alone time' with away from the marital home. The other thing that makes my blood boil, is that more often than not, they are probably talking about the wife and kids aswell as job/ general topics. It would make me so angry knowing my husband was possibly even sitting in a car for five minutes offloading his problems onto the shoulder of another female.

Just my opinion, not meant to offend. I know you are being patient with him.....just ten times more patient than I would be about this other woman interfering with my marriage (and she is interfering by simply agreeing to spend all this time with another womans husband)

 

[megsw1994]

Ive been stalking this thread, i think you should definitley contact bimberly so she knows the situation and that its putting stress on your marriage, if shes any type of decent woman she'l step back then hopefully you could try resolve your marriage issues.
You may think because she isnt better looking than you he wouldnt cheat but my ex slept with my friend who was also my neighbour and she was ugly, horrible figure, always had greasy hair and he still did it, i didnt suspect a thing i even saw messages she sent him but thought nothing of it cos she was so bad, i know they say the wife always knows but i didnt suspect a thing she was still coming round my house every now and then even though she had f*cked my boyfriend, just keep an open mind as i wish i had suspected it because when i found out i felt stupid and hurt atleast if you dont completely rule it out you wont just have pure shock/disgust hit you.
I hope everything works out for you and completely agree you should tell church about bimberly, would love to know where i can read your thread as ive been stalking this thread quite abit lol!xx

 

[Proserpina]

I'm going to send her the message tomorrow morning after husband has gone to work. Reason being: (1) she works MWF, so she'll have a day to process what I wrote and think about it before seeing husband again, and (2) if she gets upset and tells husband that I contacted her, I don't want to have to face him for as long as possible.

I figure the worst she can do is blow me off, and if she does that, I tell the church leaders on Sunday morning that she is aware of how I feel about them spending all this time together, but won't stay away.

I am totally ready to do it though. Wish me luck!

 

[Yipee]

Ive been stalking this thread, i think you should definitley contact bimberly so she knows the situation and that its putting stress on your marriage, if shes any type of decent woman she'l step back then hopefully you could try resolve your marriage issues.
You may think because she isnt better looking than you he wouldnt cheat but my ex slept with my friend who was also my neighbour and she was ugly, horrible figure, always had greasy hair and he still did it, i didnt suspect a thing i even saw messages she sent him but thought nothing of it cos she was so bad, i know they say the wife always knows but i didnt suspect a thing she was still coming round my house every now and then even though she had f*cked my boyfriend, just keep an open mind as i wish i had suspected it because when i found out i felt stupid and hurt atleast if you dont completely rule it out you wont just have pure shock/disgust hit you.
I hope everything works out for you and completely agree you should tell church about bimberly, would love to know where i can read your thread as ive been stalking this thread quite abit lol!xx

Yup, I had a boyfriend that cheated with someone way less good-looking than I was. I think it had more to do with her making him feel good about himself, which I wasn't doing anymore. Mainly because I knew him well and was beginning to think he was an idiot.

 

[Proserpina]

I'm not ruling out him cheating with her just because she's a "5." Emotional connections can be strong. There have been guys in my life who never would have turned my head had we passed on the street, but once I got to know them, I thought, "Yeah, I could have seen myself dating this person had we met under other circumstances." (Unlike DH though, I always laid down silent boundaries with my platonic male friends and never crossed them.)

I'm confident it's not physical as of yet. I'm worried it could move in that direction if this proceeds.