preparing myself for the possibility that it will never happen. anyone else?

[no_regrets_91]

So I already have a plan on what I will do if I can never get pregnant. After I am done grieving we plan to move to corpus cristi tx and becoming the fun couple that throws parties and yada yada. I just need a plan for if it doesn't happen. Does anyone else feel this way

 

[urchin]

Well, apart from the place I'm moving to, yups I'm right there with you.

Although I am doing my best to do everything I can (I start IVF in December) and staying as positive as I can about it all, there's a part of me that's already steeling myself for the possibility that this might just never happen for us.

We are currently going all out to get the house ready to sell, to move out of the city and back to my home village. There's a few reasons for this but the baby-related ones are:

I wouldn't want to bring up children where I am now - it isn't a dreadful place, certainly not for adults, but the kids are kinda ferral and I don't want that for mine!

But if we are not successful, I need to be closer to my nieces and nephews so I can get to know them better as they grow up.

 

[mjemma]

Yeah, I have days when I think that too - especially ones like today when AF has just showed up again - but for me, I cannot picture my future without having a family, and we will move onto adopt instead.

 

[_Nell]

I've always kept a little part of me thinking that in the back of my mind, but increasingly i'm starting to visualise it more as a reality....I just feel i need to prepare myself, I cannot stay on this journey for years on end I know that much.

Like the OP i'm trying to focus on the fun, positive aspects of being child-free as our back up plan.

I wish B&B had a forum for this sort of stuff tbh, i worry when i get to that point, there'll be nowhere on here to really talk with people who are in the same place.

 

[Amber3]

I am also preparing myself for the possibility that it will never happen. We started the adoption process some months ago. I still hope it will work out biologically but I also realize that most people who ttc for almost 5 years do not end up with bio children
Amber

 

[Lawgirl]

I'm operating on the basis that I won't get pregnant and that ivf is just something to go through before moving to look at adoption. I sometimes think we should have a 'no hope' board for those who prefer a pessimist outlook.

 

[kazzab25]

God I felt so alone with these same thoughts!! My oh refuses to talk about it! He's not one for negativity! I just have to prepare for the worst!!

 

[Damita]

Yeah we have a plan - we will move to a different country, or stay here buy a house in the country side, buy more cats and go on loads of holidays and have fun as a child free couple.

I'll work on my career We don't want to use donors, surrogates or adopt. So it's our own children I carry or no children.

 

[dodgercpkl]

If I don't get pregnant naturally, then we'll try IUI, then IVF (if we can afford it) and then adoption. If we can't make any of that work, then I'll just work on being the best aunt that I can be to my nieces and nephew. And probably own lots of dogs. lol

My best friend's story gives me hope when I'm feeling discouraged. She had to go through h.e.l.l. and back with her first child. She and her hubby tried for 3 years unsuccessfully before finally getting pregnant via IVF. The story doesn't end there. When she was about 6 months pregnant, the doctors came to her and told her that her baby had a very rare VERY serious problem and that they recommended she abort her baby. It seems that her baby was developing wrong - heart inside out and backward - and would probably not be carried to term, and if he was he wouldn't live more then a couple years, and not have a normal childhood ever. He was the (at that time) only living person with the variation of disease that he has. All others had passed away prior to being carried to term or before they reached age 8.

My BFF struggled with this so much! I mean, trying for 3 years and great expense only to be told your baby should be aborted? Ugh. I can't even begin to imagine what she and her hubby were going through. They decided in the end that they would NOT abort their baby and that they would take things as they came.

In his first 2 years of life he had to have several major surgeries to right his heart/make it workable. Also for that first two years, she and her hubby had to live basically in seclusion because their son had NO immune system. They bought antiseptic hand wash by the gallons. Against the doctors prediction, their son did well with the surgeries and survived past the time they predicted. Since that time, he's now 7 years old and doing really well! He's running and playing just like any normal kid - looks like any normal kid! (they said btw, that he wouldn't survive past 2 and would never run or play like a normal kid).

They also told my bff that she would never have kids again because of the trauma that this pregnancy caused to her reproductive system. However, 2 years later, she had a little girl with no complications and no trying!

I guess my point is that I don't know what life holds in store for any of us, but I do think that there is a plan. Sometimes it's not what we planned or hoped for, but in the end, I think it's always a walk along the path that we needed to get where we end up.

 

[NavyWife84]

What a great story, Dodge!

DH and I have decided that if we don't have our baby by the time we are both 30, we will begin the adoption process. That doesn't mean it will never happen, but we will stop trying and just go to ntnp. I really hope it doesn't get to that, but we both have wanted to be parents our whole lives, so not having children is not an option for us.

 

[Armywife84]

Texas is a great state!

I'm afraid to picture my life without children. If we never have children, then I'd probably have to be admitted to a nut ward I'd be in a deep state of depression. Being a mother is a dream that I've been wanting for years now.

Our last shot is adoption. If for whatever reason that's not feasible (such as going broke from doing IVF), then I'll throw myself into being one of those women who are completely invested in their career...because it's all I'll have.

 

[no_regrets_91]

I've always kept a little part of me thinking that in the back of my mind, but increasingly i'm starting to visualise it more as a reality....I just feel i need to prepare myself, I cannot stay on this journey for years on end I know that much.

Like the OP i'm trying to focus on the fun, positive aspects of being child-free as our back up plan.

I wish B&B had a forum for this sort of stuff tbh, i worry when i get to that point, there'll be nowhere on here to really talk with people who are in the same place.

I messaged one of the admins about a forum for living childfree after infertility but never heard back maybe if more people said something to them?

 

[mg80]

*

 

[NavyWife84]

\
We have said that if we haven't got pregnant by January then we will move to a different country. I applaud those who want to be around nieces/nephews if they can't have children because I feel completely the opposite - I cannot stand to be around DH's smug sister's kids and my brother's kids because I cannot watch someone enjoy something they achieved so effortlessly while my DH and I are going through hell and have had our hearts ripped out by not being able to have children. I hope that one day I can get over the strong envy feelings I have for people with children.

xxx

You're not the only one who feels this way. DH is an only child, so thank goodness I don't have to deal with in-laws children (my mil already drives me crazy enough!). I love my brother's boys and my sister's daughter, but sometimes it just kills me to be around them. My sister started trying a few months before me and her daughter is going to be a year old in January. What's worse is that I am her godmother, which I love, but my mom seems to think that means she needs to push me to be even closer to my neice than I already am. I talk to my sister several times a week and see my neice as often as possible. But my mom is always saying, well, you should go see your goddaughter and you know how special it is to have a goddaughter, etc. Sometimes I want to scream!!! I make the best effort I can, but most of the time, I cry on my way home from being with my goddaughter/neice. I want a daughter (or son) ...not just a goddaughter!!!

 

[wonderstars]

I gotta admit that when those thoughts have come to me I haven't been able to deal with them. I've just tried to ignore them and occupy myself. In some twisted way I stupidly believe that if I don't think about that kind of situation that it will never come........

I've never imagined my life without kids but I do know that I would probably have a long bout of depression and have to move to some remote country without any contact with anyone who has had children. That seems a bit unrealistic.

I'm sorry to head that the first round of Clomid didn't go, MrsG.

 

[Damita]

I'm lucky there are no babies in my family - DH is an only child and my siblings range 13 to 21, my uncles and cousins don't want children, my brother who is 21 doesn't want children until he is 30 so I have a while before babies appear

 

[mg80]

*

 

[roothy]

Last few days I have been thinking about this. I have just started 4th cycle of Clomid - on lowest dose and have review with consultant next week.
We started ttc 2 and 1/2 yrs ago. We acheived pregnancy in Feb with no help but had mc at 10 weeks.
I am 41 yrs old, diabetic and only have one ovary and have PCOS - so it was always going to be an uphill struggle. I felt I had made peace with idea I would never have children BEFORE I got pregnant. We were NTNP rather than ttc really but I was quite philosophical about it. BUt having been pregnant, felt that love and hope and joy - now I feel that need for children.
I met my lovely soul mate late in life and I had given up thinking I would ever marry, let alone have children. Now I feel the clock is ticking, the universe is against me and I still want this amazing thing
I think if we never get pregnant - we wil move on, love each other and be happy - but there will always be a part of me that is empty. I thought I would never look at adoption - but now maybe I would
Its such a hard thing to think about isnt it.... drawing a line under ttc and walking away from it. I know I cant go on forever - but I dont know how to draw the line - or work out when you should think about it

Thank you for posting this thread no regrets 91. It is so hard to discuss this stuff with friends and family who have kids - however loving they are they just dont understand.

 

[wonderstars]

Fingers crossed MrsG! Remember, there are probably more pregnancies with no symptoms than there are with symptoms. Keep positive!

I'm doing okay *this* week, haha. Even with my unsuccessful HSG, my Gyne says that everything seems to be working but we just have to figure out the anatomy. I still suspect I'll need to go the IUI route but we'll see. I was hoping for the end of the year but I'm running out of time esp. if I need a referral to the clinic that does IUI.

Have a relaxing weekend.

 

[mg80]

*