Problem with oh *potentially triggering or sensitive*

[josephine3]

OK, so I have been with my new partner for about 2 yrs, we have been ntnp for around a Yr and actively trying since Xmas. I very much love him and he is great with my 2 kids from a previous relationship.
The problem is he uses cocaine socially when he goes out, which these days is only about once a month.. He likes to remind me he used to go out a lot more often, we both drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes regularly. I am trying to cut down on these but am worried about how his drug use could affect a potential pregnancy.
I am 35, he is 26... I feel these days it's a lot more socially accepted for people to use coke on a night out than it was when I was younger.
Do you think I should wait to ttc for 3 months or more (how long I have read it takes sperm to be produced) since his last use? Am I being overly paranoid?
Every month I am desperate to conceive but at the same time worried in case his use affects a pregnancy... Is that why we haven't been successful yet? Am I out of order for wanting him to quit? He says if I fell pregnant he would stop but I feel like he should stop now to increase our chances of conceiving...
He has drastically changed his lifestyle since we got together and it's become a bit of a sore point between us.. I kinda feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.. If I push him too far it's pissing him off.. If I don't push him to stop it could be affecting our chances... Help??!

 

[Shezza84uk]

I’m sorry but this is a terrible situation for you to have a child in. It’s not socially acceptable to do coke, it’s never been. I know the elites do it but it’s a terrible habit in general, I know this will sound like I’m judging you but I mean it with the best intent.

You can’t have a relationship with someone you can’t openly communicate with, will he do coke and get in bed with the baby? What if he leaves it around for your children to get hold of, what if it falls out of his pocket and your child finds it.

He is immature and he needs to rethink what he wants to do in his life, it may be social now but what if he becomes a daily user? So much what ifs, if he can’t stop completely I think your should rethink your future, drug use, his immaturity, poor communication skills and the rest.

I think you know this isn’t good for you.

Good luck with whatever you do.

 

[happycupcake]

I was so pleased to see, after all your heartache before, that you were finally NTNP. Reading your post here though, really worries me.

I would have serious doubts that your partner will quit using once you get pregnant. Why not now? If he wants a healthy baby that much, then health is ever more important. Of course, it’s hardly ideal him using when he is now supposed to be part of a parenting team to your children you already have.

Honestly I don’t want to come across as a judgemental bitch. You need to quit smoking and drinking too, if you want a healthy pregnancy and a baby born without any issues. You probably already know the risks. I know we don’t live in an ideal world, and I know we ALL do things that aren’t always great (pregnant or otherwise), but you are planning a baby. You both need to wake up to the fact your habits may land your potential new baby in hot water, you’re risking their health massively by continuing. If you want a baby as much as you say you do, you both have to knock it on the head - the cocaine, booze and cigarettes. All of those things will affect your chances of even conceiving, but more worryingly, keeping a baby healthy whilst he or she grows inside of you.

Think about the problems that has if you have a healthy baby too - smokers, for example, shouldn’t even share a bedroom with a baby. Yet, you’re ideally meant to sleep in the same room for at least the first six months. That’s one problem, there will be many more.
You shouldn’t be planning on waiting to ensure his sperm health - you should be waiting until you have both stopped doing these things, to ensure the life you want to create is as healthy as possible.

 

[josephine3]

Thanks for the replies ladies - obviously I would quit smoking/drinking if I were to fall pregnant x

 

[josephine3]

I know it's a hard subject to talk about, and I probably shouldn't have brought it up, but I just needed to vent!!

 

[josephine3]

I should add I already have a rule that he doesn't bring it into the house, ever x

 

[josephine3]

Thing is he's so much younger than me and he really did get thrown into this parenting malarkey head first, during covid and lockdown we started living together right away as it was a situation of 'if we don't live together we can't even see each other'.. It was all so sudden and he has really stepped up from his party single man lifestyle to suddenly a parent. It's been a lot for him to adjust to. And like I say he is brilliant with my kids, they don't see their 'real' dad too often and he's really adapted to being part of our family. But every so often he wants to go out and see his friends, which is fine I want him to still see his mates but every time this involves the dreaded drug... Like his mates don't have a night out without it.. So he can't see his mates without being 'coerced' into having it.. Or just that he doesn't have the self control to say no..
So it kinda comes down to me saying 'you can't go out with your mates' which is obviously annoying to him.
I mean, I know the answer, he needs to learn to say no.. And he has drastically reduced since being with me. it's just frustrating. Sorry ladies.. I really am just venting here I know what the responses will be I'm not daft I'm just fed up x

 

[josephine3]

I'm sorry about venting feel a bit daft now x

 

[happycupcake]

Really you need to quit smoking (and drinking frequently) before even trying to conceive. It always sounds like it’s going to be simple and easy to do once you get pregnant but it isn’t. In my opinion if you’re serious about wanting a baby, that’s what you will do. You want him to quit the cocaine, you quite rightly think he needs to stop using it and that it could have an impact on his health, which is right. But you are drinking and smoking, two things which are well known to have huge ramifications to an unborn child if done during pregnancy, and will hinder any attempts to conceive, too. Just because the two you’re doing are legal, doesn’t make them any better than what he’s doing. You both need to make some changes first, if you are to put not just your health, but the health of any child you may conceive, first.

On him - if he really wanted to not do cocaine he wouldn’t do it. It’s as simple as that. He’s meant to be a grown man! There aren’t any excuses and he shouldn’t be enabled in any way. You’re almost saying ‘poor man has had such a hard time, blowing off some steam is acceptable’, and it would be, if it didn’t involve drugs. I don’t doubt lockdown/covid/new partner moving in was difficult for you too, but you’re not going out and doing cocaine. So what’s his excuse? He’s not coerced. If he is, he needs new friends. But most likely he just wants to do it. He’s making a choice to put that stuff into his body, but it’s time to grow up if he too wants to start creating new life because it’s not ok to do what he’s doing, for any reason.

 

[Shezza84uk]

Thing is he's so much younger than me and he really did get thrown into this parenting malarkey head first, during covid and lockdown we started living together right away as it was a situation of 'if we don't live together we can't even see each other'.. It was all so sudden and he has really stepped up from his party single man lifestyle to suddenly a parent. It's been a lot for him to adjust to. And like I say he is brilliant with my kids, they don't see their 'real' dad too often and he's really adapted to being part of our family. But every so often he wants to go out and see his friends, which is fine I want him to still see his mates but every time this involves the dreaded drug... Like his mates don't have a night out without it.. So he can't see his mates without being 'coerced' into having it.. Or just that he doesn't have the self control to say no..
So it kinda comes down to me saying 'you can't go out with your mates' which is obviously annoying to him.
I mean, I know the answer, he needs to learn to say no.. And he has drastically reduced since being with me. it's just frustrating. Sorry ladies.. I really am just venting here I know what the responses will be I'm not daft I'm just fed up x

I understand he’s stepped up but part of parenting requires big man moves and that includes kicking the drug habit. He really does need to think long and hard about it, I also agree that it’s best to at least reduce your smoking and reduce your drinking to maybe a glass of wine.

He can still have fun without drugs and he’s an adult so should be making these decision on a long term basis. He knew you had children so he may think he sacrificed his life style but that would be a decision he would have made before joining your household, the true sacrifice came from you trusting him with your children and adding him to your family so he needs to now do his bit and make better social decision which doesn’t involve drugs for the well-being of your and the children.

Don’t apologise for venting, we all need an outlet and it’s clearly a situation that need to be thought through and also it clearly bothers you.

 

[josephine3]

Thanks again ladies we are going to try hold off on the ttc for a few months until its out his system sperm wise lol. It will be hard not to be in with a chance this month though I've been so busy symptom spotting the last few months it's depressing to think I won't get a chance this month. We probly will still ntnp but avoid my fertile time.