Ravings of the Unexpectedly Expecting

[dinkery]

Well hi everybody. I've been lurking around here for a few weeks but this is my first post. Hoping to be part of the sense of friendship and support you all seem to offer each other here.

As the title says, we are unexpectedly expecting, haha. Got married in late June, and apparently knocked up the week after the honeymoon! Not exactly an advertisement for my bc brand. Kind of a long story as to why, but I didn't find out until I was 8wks along, and it was a SHOCKER. In 2 days I'll hit 12wks, and we've grown used to the idea and are happy.

Well, I'm happy when I'm not terrified. Having not planned for or even really thought about this (was planning on YEARS in the future), I cannot tell you how much anxiety I'm going through.

We don't have an extra penny and will be forced to move into my in-laws' den with no privacy. That will be myself, my husband, 4 cats, and not even a closet for our clothes or a bedroom door to shut if we want. *sigh* Could be worse, we could have no support at all, so I suppose we must be thankful for small blessings - it's just going to be very trying.

Also, I am already crying nightly over having to give birth. I feel completely ridiculous but it is the thing that has always scared me about being a woman, that I'd have to give birth someday. I don't want to push a watermelon out my poor little vagina! I can't get past the thoughts of screaming, bleeding, tearing, episiotomies, suction, forceps... I also don't want to be cut open *shudder* for a c-section. I wish I could just... I don't know... sneeze! And the baby would shoot right out, painless! (Somebody please tell me modern medicine is working on that.)

I'm having horrific nightmares every single night, and wake up in tears or yelling out loud. Also, I get my morning sickness at night instead, which leaves me sleep deprived and feeling ill all day. It really affects my day because I work full time, go to college full time, and am trying to start packing us up for the move. Not to mention the acne, cramps, backaches, headaches, fatigue, nausea, indigestion, and pain in my boobs and nipples so bad I feel like somebody's trying to saw them off with a butter knife.

I am looking forward to the baby, but I feel like nothing is as it should be. All this is not how I wanted my first pregnancy to go, and not the situation we wanted to be in. And I worry that all the negative vibes and stress hormones I'm bathing the baby in are very bad for it. I've begun writing in a little journal about my fears and feelings, hoping it will help me relieve some of my tension and take it off my unborn child, but so far I still feel the same - like a pressure cooker about to burst and scream bloody murder while crying buckets.

So I'm reaching out - can anyone relate or help me? Or at least say anything good about my nightmares of zombies chewing on my stomach? Like somehow they mean my baby will be awesome or something?

 

[Shandelion]

Very few babies turn cannibalistic in the womb. Remarkably few. If that's your standard, then by statistics your baby will be beyond awesome.

I've also always been afraid of labor. I never intended to have a baby in my life, for that reason. I found my fears reduced when I actually learned about birthing strategies. If I had to give birth flat on my back in a hospital with a plug stuck in my spine, my feet in stirrups and a slice across my perineum like has been standard form decades, I'd give this kid back now. But I'm not going that route. I'm going to do a water birth, when this kid is ready, in a calm environment, without fear or forced anything! There are birthing balls, hypnobirths, water births and all kinds of terror-free options these days. And find out your family's history of birth issues-that may help.

Try to take it easy. You sound like you're on limited time from the frantic packing, but do yourself a favor and take it easy when you feel bad. You'll just be sicker trying to work through sickness. Been there, done that.

Can't say I have any recommendations on the living-in-the-den situation. Wow, that sucks. Also been there, done that. Was homeless most of my youth. All I can say is, from experience, it gets better someday. Don't give up hope. My husband and I were living in a falling down house with no heat, no hot water, kitchen sink busted off, most of the plugs and lights shorted out, he'd been out of work for a year and our car had no brakes to speak of but it did have a gasoline leak. Oh, and we faced eviction by foreclosure any day. We found an apartment for $675 per month in an area where $900 is minimum, we're on the water and have 28 windows, they let us have our pets at no added cost, and no down payments. Proof that miracles happen, just don't stop looking. We were in that situation for 1.5 years.

And remember, if all else fails to cheer you up...cannibalistic zombie fetuses could be a much higher statistic, and they're not.

 

[aurora_dawn]

First of all

Second of all if it makes you feel any better, we were trying to get pregnant and honestly I still have all of those feelings that you're feeling! I think that its part of whats going to make you a really great caring, loving and thoughtful parent in the end. You'll cope by doing the very best that you can, just like millions of women before you.

Pregnancy dreams are just absolutely weird aren't they? Just consider them yet another gift from your hormones. I find if I can lay back with my hand on my belly and take some deeeeep breathes and do some positive thinking I can usually calm myself back to sleep.

We put an offer on a house 2 days before I found out I was pregnant and am now in a packing all day sickness frenzy. Not exactly idea, as I' m usually fast asleep by 8 and bending over boxes leaves me nauseous, I don't feel like eating much of anything and what I do manage to eat is nothing more than I few bites before I am full. It's like my body is not my own anymore and I'm kinda resentful about that.

I feel for you moving into the inlaws, and I certainly hope you can find some affordable living solutions soon that will at least leave you with a closet to call your own!

 

[dinkery]

Very few babies turn cannibalistic in the womb. Remarkably few. If that's your standard, then by statistics your baby will be beyond awesome.

I've also always been afraid of labor. I never intended to have a baby in my life, for that reason. I found my fears reduced when I actually learned about birthing strategies. If I had to give birth flat on my back in a hospital with a plug stuck in my spine, my feet in stirrups and a slice across my perineum like has been standard form decades, I'd give this kid back now. But I'm not going that route. I'm going to do a water birth, when this kid is ready, in a calm environment, without fear or forced anything! There are birthing balls, hypnobirths, water births and all kinds of terror-free options these days. And find out your family's history of birth issues-that may help.

Try to take it easy. You sound like you're on limited time from the frantic packing, but do yourself a favor and take it easy when you feel bad. You'll just be sicker trying to work through sickness. Been there, done that.

Can't say I have any recommendations on the living-in-the-den situation. Wow, that sucks. Also been there, done that. Was homeless most of my youth. All I can say is, from experience, it gets better someday. Don't give up hope. My husband and I were living in a falling down house with no heat, no hot water, kitchen sink busted off, most of the plugs and lights shorted out, he'd been out of work for a year and our car had no brakes to speak of but it did have a gasoline leak. Oh, and we faced eviction by foreclosure any day. We found an apartment for $675 per month in an area where $900 is minimum, we're on the water and have 28 windows, they let us have our pets at no added cost, and no down payments. Proof that miracles happen, just don't stop looking. We were in that situation for 1.5 years.

And remember, if all else fails to cheer you up...cannibalistic zombie fetuses could be a much higher statistic, and they're not.

I would find out my family's birthing history if I could, but I was adopted as a baby so I have no idea.

I would love to do a water birth, like you. I've been scaring the shit out of myself watching videos of all types of births and I'm horrified no matter what, but the waterbirth looks the least traumatizing. It's ideally the way I'd like to go. I worry though about safety - what if something bad happens? We aren't very close to a hospital. I've read that some hospitals allow birthing pools and/or have more birthing options available, but unfortunately I seem to be stuck with a very strict and traditional set. I love my doctor herself, but I hear during births she is not very accommodating, and the hospital I will have to go to does not have any nice facilities - it's all straps and beds. Reading your comments I'm considering looking around for another doctor and another birthplace, but I am afraid to leave her in the middle of my pregnancy. I've heard a lot of doctors refuse to see you if you change in the middle like that, but I don't know why that would be?

Good advice to try to rest when I feel sick, which is often, but I do try to work through it because I don't know where I'll get the time to have the rest... If I have five minutes I plop onto the couch but I'm really killing myself I feel, with everything I have to do. We have BARELY begun to throw out the garbage in the house, let alone really start packing, and I work overtime at work every evening and when I get home I have to go to class or do schoolwork - it's like the pressures are neverending.

I am so sorry to hear you were living in such conditions, but SOOOOOO happy that it didn't last and now you are happy. It sounds like a wonderful place at a great price with a kind landlord. Hoping we can sock away the bucks while we are stuck living in the den, and get a nice little down payment saved up for something.

Oh and thanks for doing the research on the cannibal zombie fetus. Glad to know this thing isn't likely to devour me from the inside out. Which sometimes it feels like it's trying to do. (Uterus stretchy cramps = owwie.)

 

[dinkery]

First of all

Second of all if it makes you feel any better, we were trying to get pregnant and honestly I still have all of those feelings that you're feeling! I think that its part of whats going to make you a really great caring, loving and thoughtful parent in the end. You'll cope by doing the very best that you can, just like millions of women before you.

Pregnancy dreams are just absolutely weird aren't they? Just consider them yet another gift from your hormones. I find if I can lay back with my hand on my belly and take some deeeeep breathes and do some positive thinking I can usually calm myself back to sleep.

We put an offer on a house 2 days before I found out I was pregnant and am now in a packing all day sickness frenzy. Not exactly idea, as I' m usually fast asleep by 8 and bending over boxes leaves me nauseous, I don't feel like eating much of anything and what I do manage to eat is nothing more than I few bites before I am full. It's like my body is not my own anymore and I'm kinda resentful about that.

I feel for you moving into the inlaws, and I certainly hope you can find some affordable living solutions soon that will at least leave you with a closet to call your own!

Thank you for the hug, I really need one, I feel like I'm going a little crazy over here. It is actually somewhat reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one feeling the way I do, especially since you WERE trying and you feel similar. I attempted to explain this to a girlfriend of mine and she was so judgmental, telling me I should be 100% thrilled no matter what. It's great she was so elated when she was having her kids, and it's not that I'm entirely unhappy... I just think it's okay to have mixed emotions about it, especially when we are SOOOOOOO unready for this and it was such a hell of a surprise. She disagrees and now I find her difficult to talk to, so it's a relief to find some friendliness here.

Yes I am finding pregnancy dreams to be SUPER strange, nightmares and non-nightmares. No matter what I dream it's extremely vivid and rarely makes much sense. Are they really caused by hormones? I will try to follow your advice at my next nightmare, take deep breaths and try to turn on some positive thinking, and see if I can get back to sleep that way.

I am so sorry you are doing all that packing feeling so sick. I am the same. It really blows and my husband looks at me like I'm being a little bit of a baby, like it's possible I'm trying to get out of helping. I think he understands deep down, but he is under a lot of pressure too and is stressed out. Although between us, I am pretty sure I am under more. I mean, I am the one who actually has to GROW this baby. It's freakin exhausting! And on top of it he is not going to college, but I am.

I was caught off guard when you said you're a little resentful about your body no longer being your own, because it's EXACTLY what I've been thinking but haven't been able to put into words. I have to deny myself things I like, give up my nights to vomiting, worry that when I eat I'm not just eating - I'm literally FEEDING something else, which totally freaks me out... It's a lot to come to terms with.

 

[Skywalker]

Aw sweetie I know how you feel! I'm not exactly in your situation but my OH and I were also not expecting and we were even having some intense relationship issues that had us basically trying to figure out how to make it work or now to make it end. This baby came as a total surprise as we were not trying.

I think it's very brave of you and smart to accept your in-laws help and I know that will likely not be the most comfortable of circumstances but it is really good that you can prioritize what's important right now It's also great that your in-laws are helping.

I also know how to feel on being terrified of giving birth! This has always been a fear of mine, as well. The two things I was most scared of when I was a little girl were a) learning how to drive and b) giving birth. When the time came to learn how to drive, I was a bit scared, but with practice, I mastered it, and then realized how much I loved driving and drove all over the country. I even learned how to drive on the other side of the road living in NZ now which also scared the crap out of me but I did it. I'm imagining giving birth will be similar. I don't think I'll ever LOVE it like driving, but I think that when the time comes, it will be awkward and unusual and painful and I won't know what the heck I'm doing, but I'm sure that in the moment I'll know what to do from instincts and I'll have planned and done a bunch of research by that point as well so I'm not going in blind. But I do think it's similar to driving, because you can read all about traffic laws and how to drive, etc., but it's not the same as actually being out on the road and driving. Lol maybe not the best analogy but I do know how you feel, I do also feel really scared, but I figure that it is inevitable that this baby will exit my body somehow when it is ready and the best that I can do is learn how as much as I can on how to be prepared and then also learn to be prepared for the totally unexpected! Lol

I wish you, your husband and your little one all the best Welcome to the boards!

 

[skye93]

Hi there, I'm sorry your feeling this way

My son was unexpected, and now 8 months later we have another unexpected pregnancy (I have been on the pill both times) if it's meant to be, then well it's meant to be
The hormones would be causing your crazy dreams, I get some weird ones to haha.

Sorry you'll be living in a den, do you have no other options?

Birth is no where near as bad as people make it out to be (and this is coming from someone who did not have a straight forward birth!) I had complications but once your in there doing it you just get it done.

Hope things go ok for you xx

 

[bookworm0901]

I'm so sorry about how you're feeling but I'm a little annoyed with your unsupportive friend!! Sounds like she's interpreting your fears as you saying you don't want your baby, instead of understanding that you're just feeling very nervous about everything, and like it means you won't love your child. Honestly, even if you don't love your child yet, you will. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal.

I had some prenatal depression when I got pregnant with my son and I was ttc!! It didn't help that I confided my fears in a friend, we had a falling out a few weeks later, and she told me I was depressed because I *knew* I was going to be a shitty mom. She made me feel a thousand times worse than I was feeling to begin with, but I know it was facing the fact that my life was going to change forever. He's one now and I wouldn't trade him for the world, he's the best life change that could have ever happened to me.

And some of you might think I'm crazy....but I loved giving birth to him!! It was the most empowering experience of my life, the most beautiful moment. My husband sobbed into my shoulder when we held him for the first time and it was just the best feeling I've ever felt. Yes, it was painful, but definitely manageable and totally worth it. I'm excited to do it again.

 

[aurora_dawn]

I am so sorry you are doing all that packing feeling so sick. I am the same. It really blows and my husband looks at me like I'm being a little bit of a baby, like it's possible I'm trying to get out of helping. I think he understands deep down, but he is under a lot of pressure too and is stressed out. Although between us, I am pretty sure I am under more. I mean, I am the one who actually has to GROW this baby. It's freakin exhausting! And on top of it he is not going to college, but I am.

Yes! Exactly how mine is. He is supportive...but he still seems surprised at my lack of energy at times. He has been busy working all hours. Guess he thinks packing fairies are going to come along? I dunno movers will be here friday morning! Ack!

I was reading in my pregnancy book this morning about how the nine months of gestation is natures way of preparing us for parenthood and teaching us how to deal with our emotions. I'm definately a control freak...and learning that I don't have control over much these days!

So sorry about your friend and her not being so supportive. She must be lucky because I have had this conversation with other friends of mine that are working on baby number 2 and they are the first to admit that they were scared to death the first time and that they really don't love being pregnant...it took them quite awhile to come around to try for baby number 2.

Do try and get yourself some rest. I find my not just morning but all day sickness kicks in way harder if I'm tired. And if you still find yourself anxious...maybe mention it to your doctor, she mighg have some more ideas for you.

Good luck!

 

[dinkery]

Aw sweetie I know how you feel! I'm not exactly in your situation but my OH and I were also not expecting and we were even having some intense relationship issues that had us basically trying to figure out how to make it work or now to make it end. This baby came as a total surprise as we were not trying.

I think it's very brave of you and smart to accept your in-laws help and I know that will likely not be the most comfortable of circumstances but it is really good that you can prioritize what's important right now It's also great that your in-laws are helping.

I also know how to feel on being terrified of giving birth! This has always been a fear of mine, as well. The two things I was most scared of when I was a little girl were a) learning how to drive and b) giving birth. When the time came to learn how to drive, I was a bit scared, but with practice, I mastered it, and then realized how much I loved driving and drove all over the country. I even learned how to drive on the other side of the road living in NZ now which also scared the crap out of me but I did it. I'm imagining giving birth will be similar. I don't think I'll ever LOVE it like driving, but I think that when the time comes, it will be awkward and unusual and painful and I won't know what the heck I'm doing, but I'm sure that in the moment I'll know what to do from instincts and I'll have planned and done a bunch of research by that point as well so I'm not going in blind. But I do think it's similar to driving, because you can read all about traffic laws and how to drive, etc., but it's not the same as actually being out on the road and driving. Lol maybe not the best analogy but I do know how you feel, I do also feel really scared, but I figure that it is inevitable that this baby will exit my body somehow when it is ready and the best that I can do is learn how as much as I can on how to be prepared and then also learn to be prepared for the totally unexpected! Lol

I wish you, your husband and your little one all the best Welcome to the boards!

Thank you for the warm welcome, I appreciate it, and also for all your supportive words. This place is amazing. You seem to have a great outlook, despite your situation. I am going to take your thoughts to heart and try to think of giving birth in a different way.

 

[dinkery]

Hi there, I'm sorry your feeling this way

My son was unexpected, and now 8 months later we have another unexpected pregnancy (I have been on the pill both times) if it's meant to be, then well it's meant to be
The hormones would be causing your crazy dreams, I get some weird ones to haha.

Sorry you'll be living in a den, do you have no other options?

Birth is no where near as bad as people make it out to be (and this is coming from someone who did not have a straight forward birth!) I had complications but once your in there doing it you just get it done.

Hope things go ok for you xx

Holy cow, how are you dealing with that?! I guess the uterus wants what it wants, huh? Regardless of what we would like.

Yeah we really are out of options so it's den living for us, BUT we could be out on the streets so I'm trying to at least be a little thankful.

I'd like to hear more about your birth story and learn about what happened to you, especially what went through your mind that makes it not as bad as I believe it will be. It's true that once it's happened there's no turning around!

 

[dinkery]

I'm so sorry about how you're feeling but I'm a little annoyed with your unsupportive friend!! Sounds like she's interpreting your fears as you saying you don't want your baby, instead of understanding that you're just feeling very nervous about everything, and like it means you won't love your child. Honestly, even if you don't love your child yet, you will. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal.

I had some prenatal depression when I got pregnant with my son and I was ttc!! It didn't help that I confided my fears in a friend, we had a falling out a few weeks later, and she told me I was depressed because I *knew* I was going to be a shitty mom. She made me feel a thousand times worse than I was feeling to begin with, but I know it was facing the fact that my life was going to change forever. He's one now and I wouldn't trade him for the world, he's the best life change that could have ever happened to me.

And some of you might think I'm crazy....but I loved giving birth to him!! It was the most empowering experience of my life, the most beautiful moment. My husband sobbed into my shoulder when we held him for the first time and it was just the best feeling I've ever felt. Yes, it was painful, but definitely manageable and totally worth it. I'm excited to do it again.

Yeah I am trying not to show it toward her but I'm annoyed with her myself. She's my oldest friend, I couldn't believe she'd react like that when I shared my fears and worries with her. It really makes me feel a little better to see someone say what I'm going through is normal - I felt so guilty after hearing what she had to say. That "friend" of yours sounds mean, I don't think you're at a loss without her in your life.

I love what you said about how giving birth was empowering and beautiful. I have so far been focused on the scary and painful. I hadn't had the chance yet to think about the authority you have at that moment, bringing a life into being. I guess it must be a little amazing.

 

[dinkery]

I am so sorry you are doing all that packing feeling so sick. I am the same. It really blows and my husband looks at me like I'm being a little bit of a baby, like it's possible I'm trying to get out of helping. I think he understands deep down, but he is under a lot of pressure too and is stressed out. Although between us, I am pretty sure I am under more. I mean, I am the one who actually has to GROW this baby. It's freakin exhausting! And on top of it he is not going to college, but I am.

Yes! Exactly how mine is. He is supportive...but he still seems surprised at my lack of energy at times. He has been busy working all hours. Guess he thinks packing fairies are going to come along? I dunno movers will be here friday morning! Ack!

I was reading in my pregnancy book this morning about how the nine months of gestation is natures way of preparing us for parenthood and teaching us how to deal with our emotions. I'm definately a control freak...and learning that I don't have control over much these days!

So sorry about your friend and her not being so supportive. She must be lucky because I have had this conversation with other friends of mine that are working on baby number 2 and they are the first to admit that they were scared to death the first time and that they really don't love being pregnant...it took them quite awhile to come around to try for baby number 2.

Do try and get yourself some rest. I find my not just morning but all day sickness kicks in way harder if I'm tired. And if you still find yourself anxious...maybe mention it to your doctor, she mighg have some more ideas for you.

Good luck!

Oh you are moving REALLY soon, jeez, good luck! I know what you mean about the men thinking fairies come and do things - like I always want to ask my husband - how do you think your underwear get washed, who do you think changes the toilet paper roll, where does the clean silverware come from?! He just doesn't notice I do all these things quietly, to keep the household running. And when I can't do them, nothing gets done at all, and the place becomes bedlam.

Interesting take on pregnancy being time to train us for later. Never thought of it that way, what book are you using? I'd like to learn a little more about that idea.

Yes my friend was and is very lucky. She is married to a man who makes a lot of money. She doesn't have to work. Her kids had lovely rooms all decorated for them before they even arrived. They want for nothing, and she was born to be a mom. My situation is so different, it's like comparing black and white, but she just doesn't get it. It's consoling to hear that your friends did not care for being pregnant, but even so, they are willing to do it again. Gives me a little hope haha.