Really Frightened...

[QuietAshley]

My name is Ash. I just got out of a 5 and a half year relationship with a guy that was slightly abusive. I'm 20 years old. I went to my doctor for having issues with nausea, visual impairment and joint paint. They ran a slew of blood tests and found that I have an autoimmune disorder... and also... Im 6 weeks pregnant almost 7. I'm not ready for a baby. I was on depo but something went wrong and I ended up pregnant anyway. They want me to come back in for an ultrasound this time next week. I'm going to tell the guy today. Idk how he will react. He is already seeing someone else even though we've only been apart a month. But I know if I had to be I could be strong enough to raise my baby on my own. But i'm not ready. Even worse. The doctor said that since my auto immune disorder is in a horrible flare up right now there is a really high chance to lose the pregnancy any day now. Im stuck between a rock and hard place and Im so happy and crushed at the same time. I don't want a baby yet, but now that I'm pregnant I dont want to loose it. I feel so guilty that I secretly wish something were to happy and at the same time im praying it wont. Idk if its the hormones and my fear. I'm just so frightened. I dont know what to think or do anymore.

 

[Bumblebee2408]

Wish I could offer some comfort and support. I know the feelings of being scared and thinking things you wish you weren't.

When I found out I was pregnant this time I thought about getting rid of baby initially I'm ashamed to say as I felt so bad to little one we already had, felt we wouldn't cope with two so young.

However as it took so long to get my son I decided I could never get rid of a baby.

I know it's different situation entirely but I'm here to listen if you need it. I hope it works out how you want it to. Make sure you look after yourself and baby if all goes ahead and don't let this guy hurt you any more. You seem really nice.

Xxxxx

 

[QuietAshley]

Thank you for getting back to me. It's calming to know others feel or have felt that keeping the baby wasnt the best option at first. And i really hope that I can start feeling more positive about this little one. I dont know if I would terminate the pregnancy. But I would probably go for an adoption if I feel I cant handle a baby. And thanks for the support with leaving. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I loved him so much and still do. It hurts every day and more so now that i've got my little one growing. But I now need to be strong not only for me, but for my little one. If my pregnancy is really as high risk as the doc says then I cant be letting him hurt me. I'd never forgive myself if I let him hurt me and something happened to my little one because of that. Its one thing if it's nature that says no. Its another if I allow something to happen to us
But thank you. Having support means the world to me. My family is far away, they would be there for me, but its hard when my mom lives 18 hours away and my dad 5. They can only offer so much support over the phone and I havent told them yet. I know they wont be happy but at least I know they wont abandon me.

 

[Bumblebee2408]

It sounds like you know in your head you want to keep baby as you've got an attachment. Always go with your gut instincts. I know people who have done it because of reasoning with themselves and live to regret it.

Having a baby is hard no question. I'm sure on your own more so. But being a mum is the best thing I ever did getting to watch this little helpless baby learn and grow and gain independence.

I won't tell you what to do only you can do that but I know support and help goes a long way. Talk to a friend or family you trust.

Most importantly look after yourself, keep in touch with your GP/midwife.

Feel free to add me and private message if you ever need or reply here. People on here are really nice and understanding.

Loads of hugs to you xxxx

 

[Bumblebee2408]

Ps I know it's hard to leave a long term partner me and my first love we're together almost that length and it does hurt but it's gets easier and you remember what life was like before eventually and bit by bit you feel normal again.

Anyway i'm waffling on xxx

 

[Nzampetti]

I know exactly how you feel trust me! Just know God will never fail you and whatever the outcome you are going to be ok. My boyfriend has been really shitty to me. And I feel like I made a mistake but I'm just trying to focus on my baby.

 

[squirrel.]

Hi there,
I'm not pregnant at the moment, but saw your thread and wanted to offer some support. Sorry to hear that you're having a hugely emotional and upheaving time! I know what it's like to leave a relationship of 5.5 years. Mine too was abusive, both physically and emotionally. It was the hardest day of my life, but the best in the long run. It freed me to pursue the relationship of my life with my husband, my soulmate (if I were to believe in such things). It's so hard at first, but it will get easier every day. Be strong for yourself, you deserve it!

As for the baby, it's totally understandable that you will be fluctuating wildly with your emotions surrounding your pregnancy. Do you have anyone who can support you at the moment? Any family or close friends? I think it would be a good idea to surround yourself with people you love and who love you so that you don't feel like you're in this on your own and to help you deal with what sounds like a really worrying time. Don't worry about decisions yet, you have time to get yourself through these first few weeks, which must have come as such a shock. You don't need to decide everything right now, let yourself heal (emotionally immediately after your break-up) and see out this worrying time in the pregnancy (I hope all goes well).

And lastly, be kind to yourself. You've been through a lot. You've found a great place in this website, in my experience it's always been filled with the kindest most supportive women who will always be here if you need to talk.

Take care

 

[bathbabe]

Hey hun, you have to do whats right for you and I hand on heart believe you have made the right choice in leaving your partner xx
Would it be possible for you to move closer to either of your parents? Or even just take a break for a week or two so you can get your head around things and maybe relax.
Dont tell your ex until your ready, its just added stress.
There will always be someone around on here for you to vent to, or cry to or be super happy for you, there really are some lovely people here.
Good luck hun xxxx

 

[Islabella]

Not sure which auto immune disorder you have as not mentioned but I know flare ups in pregnancy can be nasty but mostly controlled. I Had Guillain-Barré syndrome when I was younger and get auto immune flare ups still, pregnancy was not a good time for me. You should be transferred immediately to an obgyn with experience in autoimmune disorders.

Remember that as rough as you often feel, even when your body is attacking itself, (unless you have an autoimmune disorder where your body specifically attacks a pregnancy) the baby is well protected and you are still hard wired to make sure it's ok.

Hope you're not feeling too bad - since having my daughter my flare ups have been less and I've only had one in 8 weeks of pregnancy this time so a result in my mind! and chin up

 

[ClaireJ23]

There´s no right or wrong answer. Speak to your family if possible and see if they can help you reach a decision that´s right for you.

 

[MamaBunny2]

I couldn't just read and run. I feel for you. Just know that it will all work out. I feel like everything happens for a reason. Do you have a good support system? Family members or close friends? Given your health and relationship situation have you considered waiting to tell the father until you know for sure the pregnancy will remain? I was 18 when I became pregnant with my first and hid it for nearly half the pregnancy and considered abortion. I did not stay with the dad long after my son was born and looking back I wish we would've parted ways sooner. I now have an amazing, smart, handsome 13 year old. It's scary, but could possibly be a blessing in disguise. You seem to be a strong and smart woman and I wish you the best!

 

[Bumblebee2408]

Keep in touch and let us know how you get on xxx

 

[reallyscared]

Hi there. This is my very first post. But I felt like we are two peas in a pod. I too am in my first trimester about 9 weeks. I'm In a very rocky relationship and have been in it off and on for nine years. I am really frightened as well and the anxiety is off the charts. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I've been talking to a therapist my parents my boyfriend but nothing seems to help relieve the anxiety. I think once I make a set decision I'll feel a bit better but I just don't know what to do.