Really struggling to forgive him :-( being silly?

[babyblog]

I'd bank it! Wave him off and then book a week away with your friends ( soon or in the future) . It is nice to have a break

 

[Dani_Ldn]

My hubby goes skiing every year & has done so for the past 12 years...except this past winter when I was pregnant, I told him that he wasn't going while I sat home alone & 6 months pregnant! He was annoyed to begin with, but then realised that it wasn't fair.

This year we are all going together, we have booked an apartment with some friends, we will book lo into a day care or hire a Nanny for a couple of hours a day. Our lo will be 8 moths old (so a bit older than yours). Definitely see if it is a possibility that you go too, or like the others have suggested book your own trip away with your girlfriends when lo is a bit older & have your own break away, it is only fair as you deserve some time away too!

Also, I know it is hard (and I am very guilty of doing this too), but try not to say hurtful things in anger, you will only regret it later & feel bad! xx

 

[NC_Sarah]

You definitely need to talk with him instead of holding it inside or you will start to resent him.

Do you rely on him heavily with the baby and that's why you are so upset? For example, he picks up the baby from daycare while you are working or things of that nature that will be difficult to handle on your own without his help?

 

[special_kala]

My DH goes skiing every January with his dad, friend and his dad. Unless I was due to give birth at that time I'd assume he was still going. I'm surprised you're surprised he is going if he goes every year. It's not like your baby is a newborn.Some women give birth alone or have no partner or partners on tour with the forces. They cope for months - Its only a week. You'll cope You're stronger than you think!

This exactly.

 

[amjon]

I would be mad. Life changes when you have a baby(s). If it's for work that's one thing but there is no reason to go on a week long leisure trip when you have a baby. Just because he did before does not mean he should continue. My DH worked out of state for most of the time before the boys were conceived. He wouldn't consider it now (unless that was the only option to support the family).

 

[lozzy21]

If my OH booked a weeks holiday with out discussing it the locks would be changed when he got back. So what if he went every year? Things change once you get a serious relationship and have children. My OH went to festivals every year and spent every Christmas Eve in the pub but once you get responsibilitys that has to change. In a propper relationship you don't even book a game of football with out consulting the other.

 

[ama]

I understand why you would feel upset .yes he has gone for years but this is the first time you have had a baby and some things change after this .both make sacrifices (IMO) .i think you should all go .im all for each partner having a break (a night out etc) but a week seems bit much .communication is important x

 

[staralfur]

I don't buy the "things change once you have a baby" thing. I mean, sure, generally speaking that is of course true. But when talking about extracurricular activities, I don't see why people are expected to drop everything.

We're not talking about someone going out and getting shitfaced every night and ignoring their child; he's going on a trip for one week of the year which he has done for quite some time, by the sounds of it.

Yes, he should've consulted her before booking the trip. But I don't think it's outrageous that he still wants to go.

 

[lozzy21]

I don't buy the "things change once you have a baby" thing. I mean, sure, generally speaking that is of course true. But when talking about extracurricular activities, I don't see why people are expected to drop everything.

We're not talking about someone going out and getting shitfaced every night and ignoring their child; he's going on a trip for one week of the year which he has done for quite some time, by the sounds of it.

Yes, he should've consulted her before booking the trip. But I don't think it's outrageous that he still wants to go.

It's not outrageous that he wants to go, it's outrageous that he's booked and paid for it with out consulting her, he's not single and can spend money and swan off whenever he wants. He's supposed to be in an equil relationship and that means discussions and compromise.

 

[JessyG]

I would be mad. Life changes when you have a baby(s). If it's for work that's one thing but there is no reason to go on a week long leisure trip when you have a baby. Just because he did before does not mean he should continue. My DH worked out of state for most of the time before the boys were conceived. He wouldn't consider it now (unless that was the only option to support the family).

I agree with you! Life isn't the same once you have a child and for him to assume it would be ok to go away on holiday for a week without consulting you first is ridiculous.

 

[Noo]

Life may not be quite the same after having a baby... However, you don't totally lose your identity and need for activities outside the household because you have a baby. It is healthy to have outside interests and activities... To hold on to some kind of "normality" from pre-baby days. One week out of 52 isn't a whole lot to ask for. The whole "Its not for work so I'd be pissed" thing doesn't cut it for me. My husband is more than a father, more than a police officer... He is HIM.... As I am more than a mother, more than a midwife... Being a parent isn't your whole identity. Some people need more. For me the issue is lack of discussion and not the trip itself. Maybe he didn't discuss it because he knew the response would be unreasonable?

 

[eew1471]

If he does this can he not book you a lil weekend getaway for yourself and he keep the baby? I would just like to go stay in a nice hotel near by and sleep... Maybe with an indoor pool! I would probably take his credit cards and book it myself and just hand him LO and leave! Fair is fair! I still resent my DH for going back to work the day after we got out of the hospital! I hurt so bad from my c section that I could barely get up must less take care of the baby! I screamed and cried and pleaded for him to stay with me but he couldn't do it! I hurt so bad when he left that I thought I would throw up! I finally got ahold of my neighbor whom I paid to come stay with me! I swore when I got well that I would leave him but I didn't! He's a good dad just not a great husband and makes hurtful decisions! I'm so sorry your DH is doing this to u, I would get even or never be able to get over it!

 

[special_kala]

I don't buy the "things change once you have a baby" thing. I mean, sure, generally speaking that is of course true. But when talking about extracurricular activities, I don't see why people are expected to drop everything.

We're not talking about someone going out and getting shitfaced every night and ignoring their child; he's going on a trip for one week of the year which he has done for quite some time, by the sounds of it.

Yes, he should've consulted her before booking the trip. But I don't think it's outrageous that he still wants to go.

It's not outrageous that he wants to go, it's outrageous that he's booked and paid for it with out consulting her, he's not single and can spend money and swan off whenever he wants. He's supposed to be in an equil relationship and that means discussions and compromise.

I do agree that it should have been a discussion but if money were not the issue then i would have no problem with this kind of trip.

 

[cat lover]

Er, OH might still be 'him' and he might have gone every year in the past, but he now has a baby! Yes he,needs me time but a week is quite a long time and he didnt discuss it with his wife. a day, or a weekend is one thing. i never deny OH a night out or a stag weekend away etc but i would draw the line at a week. comparing skiing with working in the forces is ridiculous imo.

 

[nevernormal]

I do agree for the most part that there should've been a discussion, but as it's a yearly thing I think it's a bit unreasonable to be SO upset about it. We already know that men don't typically understand the changes that come along with babies and parenting! Did he previously talk it over with her before he booked it each year, and only didn't this year? That would be different. But if it's always been a given in the past that he was going, then it was reasonable for him to assume he could go again.

I don't buy the whole "things change when you have a baby" thing. I mean, obviously things change, but overall, you're still married to the same person. My husband and I wouldn't book that kind of trip without careful consideration and communication with the other. BUT we also share all of our finances. From most of the posts about money I've seen on here, it seems like it's more common for couples to have money split up as either "his & hers" or "his, hers, & a joint account for bills." I've seen lots of you say that you like having your own income that you can spend as you wish. Obviously I don't know what situation the OP is in, but (in general, not to anyone specific) if that's the attitude you have about your resources, then he's free to spend his as he wishes as well. And it doesn't have to be a fair, now he pays for your vacation too, type thing.

Because of how my DH and I handle our resources, I would be majorly ticked if he did this without communicating with me first because it's not his or mine, it's ours, no matter who earns it. But as far as the time spent... obviously I'd rather us be together as a family as much as possible, but it wouldn't be selfish or irresponsible of him to want to go on a trip that he so obviously enjoys.

 

[NoodleSnack]

Life may not be quite the same after having a baby... However, you don't totally lose your identity and need for activities outside the household because you have a baby. It is healthy to have outside interests and activities... To hold on to some kind of "normality" from pre-baby days. One week out of 52 isn't a whole lot to ask for. The whole "Its not for work so I'd be pissed" thing doesn't cut it for me. My husband is more than a father, more than a police officer... He is HIM.... As I am more than a mother, more than a midwife... Being a parent isn't your whole identity. Some people need more. For me the issue is lack of discussion and not the trip itself. Maybe he didn't discuss it because he knew the response would be unreasonable?

Just state your opinion on what she asked, you don't need to assume thing into their relationship, the guy booked the trip without asking his pregnant partner and you want to assume the blame is on her part? That's a bit much.

The fact of the matter is that most new mothers feel that they can't just take time off, and for the fathers to so easily do it, it creates resentments, that may or may not be reasonable to you, but that is the feelings she feels. As a partner in the relationship, he needs to respect her feelings if he wants her to respect his feelings about his needs for this "release" or whatever.

Whether he goes or doesn't go isn't the real issue (what's the big deal if he misses it this once?) it's how they both feel about it and her wants is just as legitimate as his.

 

[NoodleSnack]

I do agree for the most part that there should've been a discussion, but as it's a yearly thing I think it's a bit unreasonable to be SO upset about it. We already know that men don't typically understand the changes that come along with babies and parenting! Did he previously talk it over with her before he booked it each year, and only didn't this year? That would be different. But if it's always been a given in the past that he was going, then it was reasonable for him to assume he could go again.

I don't buy the whole "things change when you have a baby" thing. I mean, obviously things change, but overall, you're still married to the same person. My husband and I wouldn't book that kind of trip without careful consideration and communication with the other. BUT we also share all of our finances. From most of the posts about money I've seen on here, it seems like it's more common for couples to have money split up as either "his & hers" or "his, hers, & a joint account for bills." I've seen lots of you say that you like having your own income that you can spend as you wish. Obviously I don't know what situation the OP is in, but (in general, not to anyone specific) if that's the attitude you have about your resources, then he's free to spend his as he wishes as well. And it doesn't have to be a fair, now he pays for your vacation too, type thing.

Because of how my DH and I handle our resources, I would be majorly ticked if he did this without communicating with me first because it's not his or mine, it's ours, no matter who earns it. But as far as the time spent... obviously I'd rather us be together as a family as much as possible, but it wouldn't be selfish or irresponsible of him to want to go on a trip that he so obviously enjoys.

What's selfish and inconsiderate is him dismissing his wife's feelings, which is what it sounds like he's doing in the OP. She has voiced fears about him injured or dying on the trip (yes he's always done this, but after a baby I don't doubt she feels differently about it now), about her own ability to look after the baby for the week, that she feels it's selfish and irresponsible of him to go, to just tell her she'll be fine and expect her to accept that is too little.


Think about it, if you really cared about something and you let your partner knows, and he just said, oh you'll be fine, and went on doing the same thing, how would you feel? I would find it quite disrespectful. If I'm being unreasonable, I want him to convince me, not to just dismiss me.

 

[Fergie]

I would be pissed off at the fact he'd booked it without discussion and that he'd booked it on your birthday. It's natural to be worried about him when he's away, especially if you know he goes off piste etc, but I bet he won't take chances like that now he's a daddy and if he knows you're worried about him doing stuff like that. Honestly hun, i'd talk to him and let him know how you feel. If you tell him not to go it's going to cause issues and resentment, just agree to let him go with a few provisos .

 

[nevernormal]

Think about it, if you really cared about something and you let your partner knows, and he just said, oh you'll be fine, and went on doing the same thing, how would you feel? I would find it quite disrespectful. If I'm being unreasonable, I want him to convince me, not to just dismiss me.

My husband has gone and done things before that I preferred he didn't do, and made sure he knew it. Maybe I preferred it simply because I missed his company, and wanted to do something with him. Maybe it's because what he was doing was risky. He's had back surgery before and if he damages his back again they may have to fuse his vertebrae, which would limit his mobility, and from there maybe affect things he can do around the house or how he can play with our child(ren). But he still likes to play (American) football, go caving/spelunking, or do other stuff, with all carry the risk of something like that happening again. He knows I am worried about his back, but I can't make the decision for him.

Forcing or guilt tripping him into staying home with me or spending all his free time with me most likely isn't going to result in him being very happy, so our time together will end up being a reflection of that, and I won't be happy either. If he decides that he still wants to do whatever it is, I just make the best of it. Invite a friend over, or order a pizza and watch whatever movies I want, eat chocolate for breakfast, etc.

If any of us women really wanted a week off to go to the beach and sip mojitos with our mom & sisters, or a bunch of girlfriends, leaving the baby with our OH/DH... how would this thread be different? If we were posting that we REALLY wanted to do this, and it's been an annual thing before the baby came along, but now OH is saying we're being unreasonable as the trip falls on his birthday, or because he's never been alone with the baby for that length of time, what would the responses be? Probably more along the lines of "Well, you need your own time to be who you are! He's the dad of the baby, tell him to step up and parent! Go have fun! You shouldn't be expected to give up this part of who you are just because you have a baby!" Or if it was already booked and the mom was feeling guilty about leaving, it would be "Well you've already paid for it, go enjoy yourself! Your OH will be fine!"

The OP has been given several great suggestions as far as how to deal with this without having a knee-jerk end the relationship reaction. She can find out if there's a way to go along. She can come up with her own things to do throughout the week with family or friends. If she's feeling worn down and needing her own time, she can set aside her own weekend or spa day or something and let OH be on dad duty for a while.

I realize the situation isn't ideal, but since her OH basically said he wouldn't be going anymore if he hadn't already paid for the trip, I think it's healthier for the relationship for the OP to just move forward and make the best of that week. If he booked Jan 2015's trip without telling her, after all this? Well, then, that might warrant some other action.

 

[NoodleSnack]

She said she doesn't want to end the relationship, she just find it hard to forgive him and resents him. I think what she needs more than to have a week off too is to have her feelings acknowledged, to know that he genuinely understand what it feels like to be in her shoes, that he cares about her and their child as much, not to be told that her feelings are unreasonable and she should just deal with it.

If your husband dismisses your feelings, then he's selfish and inconsiderate, if you're okay with it, doesn't mean we should be.

I have thought of this thread if it were gender reversed, I think there would be people telling her "I couldn't leave my baby for a week at that age so I wouldn't go". If they had a fight about it, I would say to compromise by going for a shorter period.