Really struggling to forgive him :-( being silly?

[lexey_7]

Hi ladies

I just wanted somewhere to rant really I'm just super angry inside! My OH is going snowboarding for a week in January when our daughter will be 5 months old. He goes every year, when I was pregnant, and booked it without any mention of it to me... on my birthday.
We had a row about it 'how dare I call him selfish, he deserves his release' then eventually he apologised and said he wished he wasn't going anymore but it's paid for and I'll be fine ect.

But I'm still so angry, I'm lying awake wondering how I'm going to forgive him. I love him lots and don't want to break up and maybe it sounds stupid but I just can't see how it's going to continue past January when I feel the way I do about the whole thing. I'm fighting the urge to wake him up now and tell him not to ring once while he's away because I won't want to speak to him and they always go 'off piste' in dangerous places and I want to tell him if anything happened to him I would remember him as being a terrible father for being so selfish and irresponsible.

I really don't want to feel like this but I am just so angry and hurt inside its horrible. I don't know what to do, if I carry on like this I know it will end up with me being the spiteful selfish one but the thought of him leaving us for a week to do everything he likes while I spend 24/7 with DD is making me feel sick
What do I do?

Thanks for reading ladies eeek it's the middle of the night! Xx

 

[Glitter_berry]

 

[TMonster]

I am sorry *hugs*
Is there any way you can go with him? You may not be snowboarding but you might be able to enjoy getting away, staying in a hotel, maybe going to the spa and getting a massage or something else while he takes care of the baby for a while?

While I am comfortable letting my mother have my daughter for a night or possibly a weekend I wouldn't be comfortable leaving with her or anyone else for a week but maybe you can take the baby with you and have your own vacation or leave her with him for a weekend once he returns and let him do everything while you go off and relax. Is it possible you can have a friend or family member come stay with you while he is away so you can get some extra help?

DH has to take some classes for work over the next year and will probably spend about 6 weeks away (not consecutively) so once we have the dates I will see if I can go stay at his mothers or with my mother during that time or have a friend stay with me.

I also take a vacation each year with some of my girl friends and I plan on going away this year for just a weekend but I think its important to get time away from the baby and feel like a person again.

 

[Peppermint25]

Aw I would be the same in that situation. Its sounds like he has just been quite unthoughtful and not considered you or the baby when booking that trip. My OH for a while kept booking nights out and trips away to football, rugby and social evenings. It got to the point where I started seeing red as although I love being a mama and being home with her it just didn't seem fair that he could keep doing what ever he liked when I was home every day and night with a colicky baby! I snapped one day and made him feel really bad saying i was fed up being alone and felt like a single mum at times. He was really taken back and sorry as he just hadn't stopped to properly think about it. Now he is very considerate and we always discuss whether he has anything planned first and whether I am ok with it. I would try sitting down abc explaining exactly how you feel and say how hard you are finding it. It really isn't fair him arranging a trip like that without both of you in agreement for it. Hugs, hope you manage to work something out xx

 

[Athena]

I would be really really annoyed too. I do feel sometimes that there is one rule for our OH and one for us. It's not like you could just go off on holiday for a week.

But, if I were you I would use this as an opportunity to enjoy some time without your OH I know that might sound weird but if mine goes away for work I actually look forward to not having to make a proper dinner etc, me and the older kids order in and I slop about in pjs watch what I want on the tv and get the bed all to myself! I appreciate for you it may be different as I don't know if it's just you and baby or if you'll have someone else to keep you company? Could you invite a girlfriend over for pizza a DVD and a sleepover? Xx

 

[clever_blond]

I dont think you are being selfish and I would be mad that he had booked it without consulting me first but I wouldn't begrudge him the opportunity to carry on doing the things he loves as he will end up resenting you and the baby.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel so it doesnt eat away at you and organise a weekend away with your friends after he is back and let him have lo. A week will fly by i promise and he will come back refreshed and ready to help you that bit more. You can also keep reminding him he just had a holiday! Lol.

My oh is going away for 6.5 months in January and I am going to use that time to get in shape and pick back up my old hobbies.

Hope he listens and you feek better about it soon. Xx

 

[Mum2BKW]

Sure, he can go away with his friends for a week. So you should be able to do the same. Choose a week when he will look after the baby and you will get to do whatever you like. If you breast feed he'll just have to follow you around with the baby while you have your nails done, have a massage, go out with your friends... It's only fair. I wouldn't stop him gong skiing but try to get him to understand that any 'time off' he had should be reciprocated.

 

[_jellybean_]

Sure, he can go away with his friends for a week. So you should be able to do the same. Choose a week when he will look after the baby and you will get to do whatever you like. If you breast feed he'll just have to follow you around with the baby while you have your nails done, have a massage, go out with your friends... It's only fair. I wouldn't stop him gong skiing but try to get him to understand that any 'time off' he had should be reciprocated.

Agree! Can you plan a week away for yourself? Honestly, I think he should cancel.

 

[Missnurse]

Oh this gets my goat too. My OH has a friend who is single and still lives at home so he has no responsibilities and I think he forgets my OH does. OH was on about going away to the nurburg ring? Some race track in Germany (we are in to cars/shows etc) with this friend for 5 days leaving me with both kids, was going to cost £700 it wasn't so much him going but the money! Also I would love to go but I don't get thought about! Anyway he realised he can't afford it. Then a few months ago OH comes home and tells me he may have accidentally bought a car shell off ebay well I was heavily pregnant and not impressed so close to Xmas more money on something that won't get finished likely! But I let it slide realising he has to continue with his hobbies as long as he does not moan when I want to do mine!!

 

[greats]

I would kill my dh if he even considered going away for a week without me and/or our dd. That is very selfish of him. Very. I understand he needs to get away, needs his "me" time, but really? A week? I could see a day? Not a week.

 

[katsbump]

My husband went to a conference in Greee for five days or so when lo was six weeks old. I could have killed him. He informed me about this when she was two weeks old. He'd known for months but just didn't think it was a big deal. I had no family or friends near us. My mil ended driving three hours to stay over and help a bit. The next conference he had to go to, well, we went along with him! That was at four months or so. Go along if you can, particularly if you're worried about the week. Otherwise, go stay with your folks a couple of nights if possible. You will be fine even if you have to stay by yourself. Guys have no idea!!!!

 

[nevernormal]

My DH got a new job when our son was born and had to go for a week's training when LO was one week old. My mom was with us then, but he had to go to a couple of other training periods as well that lasted several days each. I was able to go to one with him, and stay in the hotel, but the others I couldn't.

I just tried to put it in perspective. There are women out there married to military men who have to do a lot more on their own then a week here & there.

Obviously your OH is doing something fun, not work, but I would be really upset if my DH was that begrudging towards me doing something. I took the baby to my sister's house for a week when he was 7-8 weeks old, as my parents were there and my dad hadn't met him yet. Also my nephew is 4 weeks younger than my son so I was able to meet him. DH had to work long hours and come home to an empty house but he didn't complain.

In January we're taking the baby to my parent's house for 3.5 weeks. We're all going now but originally I was going to go the whole time and DH was only going to go for 1 week because he needed to work the rest of the time. We're both glad he's able to go the whole time, but I would've been upset if he felt like he couldn't forgive me over wanting to spend some extra time at "home" and begrudged me that time that I need! Granted, I've not been home in 4 years, so it's not an annual thing, but still. He didn't like the idea of not being with us the whole time, but he was happy for me to have that time.

If your OH goes every year, it shouldn't have come as a surprise really. If you were due to give birth around this time, or have a brand new baby, then it would be reasonable for him to cancel this fun time for himself. As it is, it's just one week. You'll manage, I promise! I like a previous poster's suggestion about having a friend over for a girly night while he's away. Maybe have someone babysit a night or two while he's gone so you can have some time completely to yourself! Make the best of it!

 

[Noo]

My DH goes skiing every January with his dad, friend and his dad. Unless I was due to give birth at that time I'd assume he was still going. I'm surprised you're surprised he is going if he goes every year. It's not like your baby is a newborn.Some women give birth alone or have no partner or partners on tour with the forces. They cope for months - Its only a week. You'll cope You're stronger than you think!

 

[felix555]

I have to say I think you are being a little unreasonable here. If your baby was a newborn rather than 5 months by the time he goes then I could see why you are this upset.

To consider ending your relationship over this is extreme, unless there are other things going on too but if you are thinking of leaving him purely because of this then I think it's extreme.

I don't agree with saying to him "if you have a week of, then i am having a week off too" as suggested. Once a relationship goes into that tit for tat ground I think it's often times the beginning of the end.

I don't mean to be harsh it's not my intention but rather giving another opinion. If he's otherwise a good, caring father and partner I don't think he should be made to feel this bad.

Maybe it's easy for me to say though, my OH hasn't (or wouldn't) do this.

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

Are you nervous to be on your own with the baby for a week? If so, what makes you nervous about it? It can be a bit difficult when all you want is a break, but it isn't the end of the world. If you have family or friends nearby that can help as needed, then it's much easier.

I personally think it's important to still do things post-baby that help define who you are. It sounds like snowboarding is his thing, since he's been going on that trip for years. He should have discussed it with you before booking it so you guys could talk it out though. Make sure he helps you prepare before he leaves (stock up on food so you don't have to navigate the store with purchases + baby; get a lot of cleaning done so you just have to do minimal day-to-day touch ups, etc). And plan something that you used to enjoy pre-baby! Don't forget that there is more to you than just "Mommy".

Unless you have a high needs baby, I promise having them on your own isn't that bad. Especially for only a week!

 

[m_t_rose]

My DH goes skiing every January with his dad, friend and his dad. Unless I was due to give birth at that time I'd assume he was still going. I'm surprised you're surprised he is going if he goes every year. It's not like your baby is a newborn.Some women give birth alone or have no partner or partners on tour with the forces. They cope for months - Its only a week. You'll cope You're stronger than you think!

Yes some women's partners do go on tour with the forces, however, that is their jobs. It is vastly different when your OH goes away on business than when they go away on vacation. I would never tell a woman who is struggling with her OH never helping with the kids or the house that some women are single mothers and they will cope.

To the OP I understand completely my husband goes away ice fishing every year for 5 days and I hate it. I am nervous that he is going to drink too much and choke on his vomit. I am mad because I am doing all the work while he is off with his friends. These are very natural feelings and I think they are justified. People would judge a mom who went away from her 5 month old for a week they would say things like "why did she even bother having a baby" and "I could never leave MY baby for that long" but when a dad does it its all "he needs me time" and "he will resent you if you don't let him have fun." If you don't want him to go make it clear. Don't forbid it or anything but let him know that you are upset about it and that you don't think it is fair when the baby is so young.

 

[Cinnamon Girl]

You need to speak to him or one day you will explode and say things you will regret

 

[staralfur]

I understand why you're upset, but I don't think you should've just assumed he wasn't going because you now have a baby. It's a conversation you guys probably should've had well before now.

It does feel a bit overwhelming to think about a week on your own with a baby, it's something I've been faced with every few months as my DH travels for work. I promise that it's not going to be as hard as you're anticipating. Sometimes it's even nice, like when the baby is napping or in bed and you've got time completely to yourself.

When my LO was younger I did struggle with my DH going out and continuing to do fun stuff while I was at home. It took a while for me to realize that I could actually do the same. Once I started making a point to do things on my own/with friends, I found it much easier to accept that my DH was doing the same.

That being said, for the first 6 months I didn't really want to do a whole lot of baby-free activities, but it wasn't fair for me to assume that just because I didn't want to, my DH shouldn't either.

 

[Pielette]

If it were me I would probably be annoyed that I hadn't been consulted first. In my marriage we always discuss anything each one of us wants to do, whether it's possible and how it would work. I'm not saying that either of us needs 'permission', it's just a matter of consideration. I wouldn't dream of booking a week away without talking to DH first and vice versa.

In fact my DH is going away for a week in March to a conference in Texas and he was really umming and ahhing over whether to go - it'll be the first time he's left the three of us for a chunk of time. I told him to go, it's a great opportunity for him and I know we'll be fine.

Having said that, I know it's scary if you haven't been on your own yet with LO for a considerable period of time.

I make sure I get a bit of time out too and that's probably what you need to do. My DH is always telling me to make plans and do things to get some 'me' time. Considering ending your relationship over a trip seems like an overreaction to me. Sit him down and tell him why you're upset and talk it through. I know I would be annoyed if I hadn't been consulted and it's important that he knows big potential plans need to be discussed.

 

[Lawgirl]

I would be furious, particularly if he hadn't discussed it with me first. But then I would hate to be on my own for a week without a baby, let alone with one.