Really struggling to forgive him :-( being silly?

[nevernormal]

It's not that my husband dismisses my feelings, but he doesn't always give up doing something just because I am concerned about it. Sometimes he does. Sometimes he doesn't. If I forced him to do things my way because of my own feelings then I would be dismissing his, which would be selfish and inconsiderate on my part. To say that he HAS to stay home and spend time with me, or he HAS to stay home so he doesn't do anything dangerous, is not being respectful of his feelings, needs, and desires.

 

[cherrylips100]

I've got to agree that he acted unreasonably and I'd be annoyed too. I don't buy the whole 'its different for dads' thing. Parents should be equal regardless of sex. It's sad that a woman doing the same in this day and age would be treated as if she'd abandoned her baby.

 

[NoodleSnack]

It's not that my husband dismisses my feelings, but he doesn't always give up doing something just because I am concerned about it. Sometimes he does. Sometimes he doesn't. If I forced him to do things my way because of my own feelings then I would be dismissing his, which would be selfish and inconsiderate on my part. To say that he HAS to stay home and spend time with me, or he HAS to stay home so he doesn't do anything dangerous, is not being respectful of his feelings, needs, and desires.

I agree and I don't think that's what she wants, but since he never discussed with her before the booking and basically rolled over her objections, I don't wonder she's hurt and angry, and she's not unreasonable for feeling that way.

 

[nevernormal]

It's not that my husband dismisses my feelings, but he doesn't always give up doing something just because I am concerned about it. Sometimes he does. Sometimes he doesn't. If I forced him to do things my way because of my own feelings then I would be dismissing his, which would be selfish and inconsiderate on my part. To say that he HAS to stay home and spend time with me, or he HAS to stay home so he doesn't do anything dangerous, is not being respectful of his feelings, needs, and desires.

I agree and I don't think that's what she wants, but since he never discussed with her before the booking and basically rolled over her objections, I don't wonder she's hurt and angry, and she's not unreasonable for feeling that way.

Right, but he's already apologized and basically said he wouldn't be going if he hadn't already shelled out the money. It seems like the reasonable way to move forward would to just deal with it or make the best of it this time. If he repeats it then he obviously wasn't very sorry and it would be reasonable to be more upset or to have a hard time believing he has his priorities straight. He made a mistake, he apologized. It seems healthier for the relationship to just move on in a positive way.

 

[zorak]

It's not that my husband dismisses my feelings, but he doesn't always give up doing something just because I am concerned about it. Sometimes he does. Sometimes he doesn't. If I forced him to do things my way because of my own feelings then I would be dismissing his, which would be selfish and inconsiderate on my part. To say that he HAS to stay home and spend time with me, or he HAS to stay home so he doesn't do anything dangerous, is not being respectful of his feelings, needs, and desires.

You can state your opinion to your husband but in my view that doesn't mean he has to follow it. I state my feelings on various things to mine, we discuss it and the often we agree to disagree. He is his own person after all.

I do think he should have discussed with you first but I am a firm believer in still being YOU post baby. We still do pretty much everything we normally did; we negotiate as a team but we love spending time with LO too so he usually comes with. Eg. we just went to a ski resort for the weekend with friends (not to ski though) . We alternated baby duty so we both had a great time and baby seemed to enjoy the new scenery too.

I also wouldn't mind a weekend alone with baby. My OH works long hours so often times I am up with baby and care for him right through until his bed time which is before OH gets home.

 

[lexey_7]

Thank you for all your replies ladies

I've just managed to read through them all.
If I'm honest I'm still absolutely p*****d about the whole thing!

As for going with him, not a chance... if I said I was coming he would go mad and say I was ruining everything and it's a 'lads holiday' blah blah blah. He's thrown he toys out the pram over his brother going this year and 'taking over'.
He works long shifts doing 60 or so hour weeks as a chef so I know I couldn't have a night away for me let alone a week. He's always 'far too tired' after work to even help. Actually he thinks it's a massive effort to watch her while I go in the bath for 30mins, that's what I consider 'me time' now, a bath and magazine.

I've basically been told not to mention it again because I'll spoil it for him and that's very wrong and selfish of me.
I know it sounds dramatic but I'm scared him being away is going to tip me over the edge I love being with my daughter but I'm always clock watching and waiting for him to be home. She had a huge tantrum the other day and I had to walk away for a few minutes as I just wanted to scream. The thought of just us for a whole week really does make me feel physically sick.

I just don't know what to do, I guess I don't really have a choice! If I mention it once more then I'm the awful selfish one but we made a baby and I could never leave her for a week, I'm her mommy I'd miss her too much. A night or a weekend fair enough but not a week when she still seems so little.

The money thing has gotten to me aswel, all money is his, our properties are his, nothing is mine. I have his credit card but any purchases for me I would have to ask and justify. If I had taken the card and booked a £1500 week away (when he's always moaning about money) he'd have gone ballistic. And I just feel so depressed that last year I was ill on New Year's Eve and pregnant.. he went out without me, loads of nights out without me, went snowboarding for a week when I was bleeding and really worried, then there's.. fishing, rock climbing, Thai boxing... the list goes on. Why does my life have to be so different but because he's a man and goes to work he's a saint and how could I possibly begrudge him this

I know it probably sounds like a don't even like him, actually maybe I don't right now. I do love him very much and that's what is so frustrating because I want everything to be fine but I'm so hurt and angry over it that I'm really resentful and I don't know how to get over it.
Xx

 

[cat lover]

Holy hell, im sorry but your OH is a total arsehole. Mine is by no means the most hands on to say the least, but if he behaved like yours i would be calling a divorce lawyer. going away when you were bleeding? words fail me. anyway, back to the matter at hand... could u stay with your parents,while he goes? what do they think of OH? xx

 

[NoodleSnack]

It's worse than I thought, I figured he was just clueless but he's beyond just the normal selfish and inconsiderate, please don't think you're being unreasonable as others have suggested here, don't let him bully you into keeping silence when you're hurting and have a right to be.

You should think harder about the financial situation and formulate a way to make it work for you, feeling beholden to him for money is not a good thing for you in the long run, if you both agree that you stay home to look after LO and he works, then you're entitled to part of that paycheck and financial decisions should be shared, it should not be all up to him and you have to ask him for everything.

To be honest, I couldn't see myself with that kind of person, but you say you love him and want to make it work, so I suggest finding ways to make him see what an emotional bully he's being, if it continues like this, I don't think it's good for your relationship. It's not you who needs to "get over it", it's him who needs to change his thinkings and behavior towards you.

 

[Pearls18]

I wouldn't have a problem with DH going away for a week when DS is 5 months old, I am of the camp that we still have our own lives and we still deserve fun and if we could afford for him to go and still get a family holiday it would be nice for him to go, in fact he will probably go skiing with work January 2015 (he obviously declined this year!) DH will be going away for work for 9 weeks when DS2 is about 3 weeks old so it's not new for me.

However, the booking it without telling you is NOT on, I would be furious and deeply hurt, even though DH has no control over what he does at work I still expect him to approach me in certain way about it not just "I'm going away next month". What your OH did was conniving and selfish, he knew you would have issue with it but booked at anyway, very nasty I think. I really don't know how you move on from that (obviously you do, I'm not saying it's worthy of breaking up the relationship) but anything less than offering not to go even though I would still make him go I don't now how else I could be appeased in this situation.

 

[felix555]

yip it's as I thought. there are bigger issues here than just this trip.

he sounds like he's not actually caught up with the fact that he's actually a dad now and still wants his old life, which is completely different to just a one off annual skiing trip.

 

[Noo]

Alright, reading your update... he's a selfish ass that hasn't grown up to his responsibilities. A week is one thing but the rest of your list...? my husband won't have his balls.

 

[TMonster]

Wow, he is a jerk and you need your own independence including financial independence.

Have you considered working at home our outside the home and putting lo in daycare a couple of days a week so you can get a break for yourself?

He is really being unreasonable. I wouldn't let it go.

 

[nevernormal]

It's definitely worse than what your first post made it out to be! If he's on board with you staying at home as what works for the family as a whole, then his paycheck is for the family as a whole. Period. If he wanted to allocate 5% of each paycheck to EACH of you or something to separate accounts so you could have some spending money without feeling like you need to check with the other, that would be on thing. But for him to have free rein and you to feel like a child with an allowance is awful.

As far as dealing with his imminent trip, do you have a girlfriend, mom, or sister who could come for all or part of the week to give you a break?

You say you love him and want to keep the relationship. His attitude is definitely unacceptable though. Do you think he'd be willing to go to counseling (or in the UK, don't you have something called Relate or something?) so you can have an objective 3rd party present when it's discussed? Sometimes it's easier to do it that way, as they are less likely to have a knee-jerk reaction in front of someone else and, while he will probably still be defensive, it might help him actually think about his behavior and see that it's unreasonable.

 

[babyblog]

Sorry, after reading your update I take back my 'just bank it' comment. Your OH sounds incredibly selfish, and can I say controlling? Financially at least. You should have access to money and not have to justify every spend you make. Your relationship sounds wholly one sided ( x

 

[meli1981]

you are not being unreasonable at all... Hes being immature and a jackass and doesnt deserve a you or your baby...and im saying your baby because hes NOT acting like a father. Any man can stick it in and make a baby...but a real man acts like a father! And your life may not change a great deal after having A baby...but try to keep any kind of identity with THREE kids! Haaaaaaa!

 

[mlyn26]

Wow, he sounds v selfish. I guess you have to decide whether you are happy with his behaviour which he seems unlikely to change (esp if you are not even 'allowed' to discuss it) or consider going your separate ways. I know that would be difficult, esp not being financially independent. He seems yo be taking you very much for granted.

 

[jd83]

Well, I was intending to say I didn't think an annual trip that he had done every year was unreasonable, and then i read your second post listing all the other crap he does. He sounds very selfish, and it sounds like a very one-sided relationship where what he wants is what goes. Given everything else you have said, I would not be okay with him getting to take that kind of trip if he isn't willing to even give you a night out, or let you go do something you enjoy. Relationships need to have balance. Both partners need to be able to do things they enjoy, not just one partner.

My husband goes on an annual snowmobile trip every year for a week. I don't really get any notice, because due to his work schedule at the farm, it usually has to be a last minute trip because they have the time at that moment to go. I'll admit, i was pretty upset both times that he went when the boys were babies. I think it was mostly hormonal though, in hindsight. I just ask him to please be extra considerate of the fact that he is now a husband and father, so there are others to think about. He can't be reckless like he used to be when he went when he was younger. When he's gone, I usually try to do something I enjoy too. I take the boys out shopping, or have a girls night with a few friends. They have kids too, so the kids play while we all sit around and chat, eating snacks. It doesn't have to be just you.

Even though he is a father now, I don't think it would be fair of me to say that something he has done since he was a child is no longer acceptable. That's a huge part of his life. He looks forward to it all year long. Even though I'm not comfortable going away for a week without my kids, I wouldn't ask him not to because I know how much of a part of him it is. Personally, I just stick to shorter events that I enjoy.

 

[meli1981]

Why is it so easy for a man to leave his kids for week, but so hard for us? Hmmmmmmm?!