Really upset.. need someone to talk to.

[Lyrah]

Hey girls.

I decided to type this out on here cos I don't have anyone to talk to that will understand like you guys will.

I have wanted a baby for a year and a half now and I have never had a desire to want something this much. Each month, I find myself disappointed as I always hope there is a chance for me. I'm fed up of waiting, it hurts so so much. It really does crush me. I'd do anything to have our own little baby. I want to go through it all and experience every little thing.

Basically I'm really upset because my fiance and I discussed yesterday when we would like to start trying and he told me we will start within 6-8 months. And I was really happy about that because I had a set kind of time which isn't too far away.

Anyway, I speak to him about it today and I say to him something along the lines of 'So we're going to be trying within 6-8 months.. I can't wait!' and he turns around to me and says 'Actually we'll wait a year or two..'

It hit me so hard. I asked him why he keeps saying something and going back on it.. and he said 'Well I don't mind if it happens now, but I think we should wait for another year or two'
Okay, fair enough, I respect his decisions. What upsets me is that he said something which he knows means a lot to me.. and then changes it.

He's also been doing this with the contraception thing. We usually use condoms and he's usually like 'We must use protection, we can't risk getting pregnant yet' but lately he's been like 'Don't worry about condoms, if it happens, it happens.'

He knows how much being pregnant would mean to me and I feel like he's being unfair with the way he keeps changing his mind. I've spoken to him about it and he said that he's a bit confused with how he feels about it. He wants one very badly too, but just doesn't know when the best time would be.. It's not one-sided, as I know it probably sounds.

Anyway, after this happened.. I walked out the room and broke down into tears for ages.

It means so much to me and I feel so so upset about this. I can't even sleep properly anymore because I want a baby that badly. I'm sick of feeling like this, it's taking over my whole life.

I don't want you guys to think I'm the only one who wants to be pregnant out of both of us and that I'm being selfish because I'm not. We both had agreed to start trying for a baby.


I'm so sorry for the rant, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Do any of you know what I can do to stop me feeling so sad?

 

[Rachiebaby24]

If he doesnt wear a condom then he cant want one that much...! looks like he is trying to pass the decision making to you!

If it was me...i would just stop using contraception (well that is what i did...i told my boyf if he really doesnt want a baby yet then wear a condom) hey presto - he didnt - and now im pregnant and he is looking forward to it.

tell him you are coming off your contraception and he has a choice - condom or no condom - and see what he says. but stick to your guns. He is your fiance so obviously loves you. he just might be a bit scared!

 

[Sambatiki]

Hi Lyrah,

Im so sorry your feeling like this . But on the positive side, to me it sounds like youre ttc already. If DF says he's happy to see what happens then I think you are on your way. Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and go for it!! Why don't you ask him if he's happy to ditch the condoms and see what happens. Taking a relaxed approach might help DF. Maybe he's just worried that it might not happen straight away and you'll be disappointed.

Im not sure Ive said anything that helps but didn't want to read and run.
Best of luck hun, let me know how you get on



Kerry xx

Good luck

 

[leedsforever]

My OH made me cry often by saying he wanted to be like 30.... another 5 years... I knew i couldnt wait that long!!! I was sooooo ready....!! I mean we had been together for 4 years already, mortgage etc etc!! I just didnt understand WHY he wasnt ready!!! And if anything it should have been me who wanted to hold it off due to my career!! Anyways after many talks I figured Im sure he will cave in before the 5 years anyway!! so carried on planning my uni etc!!

Anyway we were in Florida where we conceived Nov/dec 07 ... and whilst we were there we made the agreement to start trying about January 2009!! Again after some crossed words!! Being round his niece just showed me how much I wanted to give David his own little baby to love and play with!!!He was being so brill with his 6 month old niece and all his family (family holiday) was saying... "you two next" "you wait.. christmas day youll surprise us"!!!

I was like as I was also applying for my PGCE at uni whilst in America over the net and David and I had had many conversations about it!!!

But like Lyrah.... I TOLD HIM I hadnt bought my pill to America and had forgotten it!!! Admittingly I didnt think I would get pregnant considering I have been so careless with my pill in the past.... but STILL he didnt suggest getting condoms or even using withdrawal method!! We prob had sex everyday... only cos we were on hol girls.... BELIEVE ME not normally like that!!!

AND..... I got Pregnant!!! Doing the test I cried... and he smiled!!!

I guessed the moral of the story is MEN!!! I dont think they ever say how they really feel!!

 

[Happyabi]

Hiya

I think its just men in general they dont know what they want adn we end up making all the decisions for them! Like we have to take over from their mothers!

They also are so different in the way they come across - Im just doin some work for a woman who deals with gender intelligence (I hadnt heard of it before) This comes from her website - I think it makes so much sense...

Men talk silently to themselves. Women multi-track. Women are indirect. Men are direct. Women talk emotively. Men are literal. Men listen like statues. Boys like things. Girls like people. Boys compete. Girls cooperate. Men hate to be wrong. Men hide their emotions."


There you go in a nutshell - I would be direct with him and just say how you feel hun

Hope it all works out for you

Abi xx

 

[golcarlilly]

Hi

It sounds to me as though he is just scared! It is a BIG lifestyle change having a child and an irreversible one, it is only natural to feel a bit apprehensive, the fact that he is happy to have sex without protection is a good sign, perhaps he feels more comfortable just leaving it to fate instead of mapping it all out and as someone else said risking disappointment if it takes a while?

Good luck and hope you get your BFP soon x

 

[Lyrah]

Thank you sooo much guys, they're some great stories and have made me feel much better

I'm so relieved - I really thought everyone was going to have a go at me saying that I'm selfish.. cos I do feel bad for feeling like this.

I was also scared about writing this post because I don't know if you guys know.. but I'm 18.. well, 18 in 3weeks anyway. I didn't want to be judged or anything cos I don't have many people to talk to.

I am going to talk to my fiance when he gets in, he's just popped out. I will ask him if he wants to ditch the condoms and see how it goes. I'll let you all know what he says

My other concern though.. as stupid as it might sound.. I'm a bit scared at what my mum will think. My dad is all for me having a baby and encourages me.. but as for my mum.. shes like my best friend and I tell her everything.. but she said to me when I came off my pill (I was getting very bad side effects) that I MUST use condoms at all times and if we slip up, I'm to get the morning after pill. Of course, as you girls know, I actually want to be pregnant. Thing is, if I get pregnant.. she will ask 'Did you have unprotected sex?' and I can't lie to her because I'd feel so bad.. but if I say that I did, she will think I'm very irresponsible and stupid for doing it. She would support me in the end.. but she would be so mad. I think it's because she was pregnant with my oldest sister when she was 19 and she's told me how hard it was.. I guess that's why she doesn't want it to happen with me. If I am protected and get pregnant, she's fine with it cos she knows its not my fault. When I was on the pill.. I thought I was pregnant and I told her about it and then said 'Will you be mad with me if I am?' and she said 'No of course not, it's not your fault and I will support you all the way'

Sorry for the rambling, I hope it makes sense.
Please tell me what you all think of this.. I'm in a bit of an awkward situation concerning my mum lol and not too sure how to go about things.

Thank you so much, it means a lot to me that I have people to talk to like this.

 

[golcarlilly]

Hi again Lyrah

I think knowing now how old you are my opinion is slightly different, you ARE very young to be starting a family and maybe this is affecting your partners state of mind? I got pregnant with my DD when I was 23 - she is now almost 15 and I don't regret is one bit but you are younger still and have a lot of life to live,

I don't want to put you off in the slightest but you really do need to consider your future - how long have you and him been together? I got with my ex-hubby (DD's dad) when I was 17 and stayed with him till I was 31 then found we had grown apart and we divorced - I am now re-married and ttc again with new hubby.

Another consideration for me would be career plans - cos I had DD young I really didn't ever start a career and have ended up doing jobs I didn't really like, if I had waited I think I would have a better job now

Having said all that, a baby in your arms is one of the best feelings ever and I feel having my DD is the major achievement of my life and the thing I am most proud of!

Good luck chick, only you can decide what is best for you, just consider all your options before taking the plunge!

 

[Lyrah]

We've been together properly for 18months.. but we were together 3 years ago but we both moved away and split up. We now live together in our own home and both have jobs. I have decided that I am going to do an online course towards a degree, whether I'm pregnant or not, which will be good
I know exactly what you mean with everything, I really can understand where you're coming from.
It's just something I've wanted for so so long now.. and nothing is taking the pain of it away. I'm not sure what it is, but it's frustrating, I know that much haha.

It's sooo hard to go through

 

[golcarlilly]

You sound very mature (don't mean that to sound patronising!) and like you have thought it all through chick, the fact that you have your own home is great too!

Good luck and hope it all works out for you, maybe see you on the preg forums soon eh?

 

[Lyrah]

Thanks so much Means a lot to me.
I'm glad I got the chance to get everything off my chest and also to explain myself.. as I didn't want people to think 'Oh dear, a young couple trying for a baby' when I am actually mature enough to deal with it all and to plan ahead. I've also done research these past few months and now know what pregnancy involves etc.. so I know what I'll be getting myself into

Thank you for the advice and support.

I will let all of you know what my fiance says

 

[Lyrah]

Omg..

This past week I've been having waves of feeling really sick.. thought nothing of it.. but have just thrown up!

And I'm not ill. I hope this is a good sign!!

x

 

[Happyabi]

Tracy
I cant beleive that what you said about you and your ex, this is getting so spooky! - I was with mine when I was 15 and then broke up at 30 as we had grown apart...

But like you my boys are my world and it was best for them that me and my ex lived apart...I was 21 when I had my first one...

You do sound like you have a wise head on your shoulders Lyrah - just talk things through sensibly with him - know its hard but with your head not your heart as as i said previously, men are so different!!

Good luck

Abi xx

 

[golcarlilly]

Tracy
I cant beleive that what you said about you and your ex, this is getting so spooky! - I was with mine when I was 15 and then broke up at 30 as we had grown apart...

Abi xx

How weird, our lives are just so freakishly similar!!!

 

[Happyabi]

Lyrah good luck hunny - make sure if you do a test you do it with him and get him involved from the start...I am sure its best this way!

Tracy - You know I am adopted, I wonder if Im your long lost sister!!! lol

Abi xx

 

[Jewels]

Hi Lyrah!

I know how you feel. I've had major baby fever for about the past 3-4 years and just earlier this year was able to get my DH to agree to a timeframe. It's so nice to have that to look forward to. I do think most men are afraid, but most of them do come around.

My thought would be if you feel you two are truly ready maybe you could sit down with your OH and have a heart to heart and let him know how much it means to you to have a little one, and that having a set date on when you'll start to TTC means a lot to you. You may not need to do this however - as you mentioned he has taken a bit of a "if it happens, it happens" attitude. That's great! You could just try going with that and see what happens.

It will all work out in the end. Good luck!

 

[Coral]

I honestly think that not putting too much pressure on your OH, and not obsessing over it with him is the best way forward (come and moan to us girls anytime).

Men seem a little daunted and frightened by the thought of becoming a father, and I certainly dot think its comes as naturally to them as it does to us.

I have many friends with partners who are just the same as yours, and there is never a good time to try for a child as far as they are concerned, in fact if you ask most couples there is never really a good time to start trying, you just have to go for it.

Like others have said I would tell him you are coming off the pill, and leave it up to him whether or not he "chooses" to wear protection.

I told my hubby that I wanted to try for a child and was convinced it would take 18 months plus to conceive - as I have been on the pill for 18 years non stop, and am now 34 (DH is 40), as it happens I got pregnant 6 weeks after coming off the pill, but it sounded good at the time!!

Good luck hun, and try and stay relaxed with your partner, he will come around!!

 

[Lyrah]

Hi girlies!

Well I spoke to DF last night all about it and apparently that was his plan to not use condoms and just see how it goes! We've decided to do this to see if I can get pregnant naturally rather than try on set dates each month which will stress me out if I keep getting BFN. You girls were right about it!

I'm so relieved.

BUT.. I am worried about the whole thing to do with my mum. If she knows I've got pregnant because I haven't used condoms and haven't gone and got the morning after pill.. she will hit the roof and think I'm stupid and irresponsible.

That's the thing that's reallyreally worrying me. Do any of you know what I could do with that situation? I want to prove to my mum that I am capable of this and mature enough to have a family. I know that she knows how mature I am and she's very proud of me with how I've coped the last couple of years (have been through a lot of stuff) and she's proud of the way I moved far away from home when I was 16 to be with my fiance and how I'm taking control of everything in my life and being independant. But I know for a fact that she will not agree with this one bit.
What can I do?

Thank you so much for all the advice yesterday.. really helped!!

 

[Lyrah]

Anyone around?

Sorry to be a bother

 

[leedsforever]

im around!!!