Really weird question - is my son girly??

[New Mrs W]

Thanks all for the replies.

Firstly, to reiterate, I am very proud of him. He is a lovely child who loved everyone and everything. I have never tried to force things on him because they are 'boyish' (he has had a dolly and pram in the past and has a fantastic toy kitchen to play in). He likes what he likes. He LOVES pirates and has tonnes of pirate toys. He watches Thundercats with his Daddy and has lots of little figures of the Thundercats and other toys that are similar. But at the same time he loves playing with the dolls' house at preschool because he can act out real life situations with that toy. He is never told not to play with x toy because it's s boy's toy or not to play with y toy because it's for girls. He has said this himself a few times but I assume this is something he has heard at preschool. He is sat as I type creating some marvellous adventure with his pirates where they have to get some treasure from a castle.

I too am a year 6 teacher and so I know all about peer pressure. Thoughts of his sexuality in the future hadn't really crossed my mind at this point although I do agree that aged 11 you can tell with some children. Although I have to giggle at this because at 11 I was the biggest tomboy going, my mum must have really wondered about me!!! Especially as it lasted until I was about 17!!!!!

Anyway, yeah, I'm just going to try not to worry. I wouldn't want to change him but equally at this age he has so many changes and developments to go through that he is no where near the person he will finish up as. I just want him to be happy and at the moment he certainly is that. I am stressing about him starting school because I know that that's the point where I won't be there to protect him and help him but I also know that if we do a good job with him at home then that will go a long way with helping him to be confident and happy wherever he is.

On another note, I personally have no problem with gender stereo typing in terms of toys etc. Rightly or wrongly it doesn't bother me that people buy him typical boy things for birthdays etc. I think that's just the reality of the world.

Thanks again xx

 

[chickenlegs]

Thanks all for the replies.

Firstly, to reiterate, I am very proud of him. He is a lovely child who loved everyone and everything. I have never tried to force things on him because they are 'boyish' (he has had a dolly and pram in the past and has a fantastic toy kitchen to play in). He likes what he likes. He LOVES pirates and has tonnes of pirate toys. He watches Thundercats with his Daddy and has lots of little figures of the Thundercats and other toys that are similar. But at the same time he loves playing with the dolls' house at preschool because he can act out real life situations with that toy. He is never told not to play with x toy because it's s boy's toy or not to play with y toy because it's for girls. He has said this himself a few times but I assume this is something he has heard at preschool. He is sat as I type creating some marvellous adventure with his pirates where they have to get some treasure from a castle.

I too am a year 6 teacher and so I know all about peer pressure. Thoughts of his sexuality in the future hadn't really crossed my mind at this point although I do agree that aged 11 you can tell with some children. Although I have to giggle at this because at 11 I was the biggest tomboy going, my mum must have really wondered about me!!! Especially as it lasted until I was about 17!!!!!

Anyway, yeah, I'm just going to try not to worry. I wouldn't want to change him but equally at this age he has so many changes and developments to go through that he is no where near the person he will finish up as. I just want him to be happy and at the moment he certainly is that. I am stressing about him starting school because I know that that's the point where I won't be there to protect him and help him but I also know that if we do a good job with him at home then that will go a long way with helping him to be confident and happy wherever he is.

On another note, I personally have no problem with gender stereo typing in terms of toys etc. Rightly or wrongly it doesn't bother me that people buy him typical boy things for birthdays etc. I think that's just the reality of the world.

Thanks again xx

Ooh! Are you in SAT panic mode yet too?

 

[New Mrs W]

Lol not too much yet but we have assessment week next week and so that may send me into panic mode!!! Xx

 

[hattiehippo]

The problem I find with people buying my DS typically 'boy' presents is that then he wants to know why have they bought him something he doesn't like. We had to have a chat after his birthday recently as only his close friends had bought him things he really likes - frozen mosaics and a my little pony set.

I pointed out to him that if he doesn't tell his friends at school about what he likes to play with then they will buy him superhero things because most boys like these things. We talked about how it's fine that he doesn't and not all boys do. It's hard because I can understand why he doesn't tell everyone in his class - even at 5 he understands the concept of what boys and girls 'should' be playing with and doesn't want people laughing at him.

Does it indicate future sexuality - I guess that's a whole different question altogether. As already said no-one predicts a girl will be gay based on her choosing to play with trucks and dinosaurs at age 4 or 5 but they will for a boy into dresses and dolls. A lot of children sit in between genders at a young age and choose things from both sides. By year 6 it is more defined and it can become more difficult for children who are unsure but at younger ages children are generally more accepting of people being who they are.

 

[Larkspur]

He sounds quite a bit like my boy. He is not a "typical" boy in many ways... He loves his play kitchen and has been playing enthusiastically with a doll house on holiday. He's extremely sweet and well-mannered, and gets distressed by rough play or other kids doing things they've been told not to do. His favourite colour is purple and he loves to wear it.

But he also loves his cars and Lego and playing in the sand and swimming and climbing so I think it can be easy to put a group of certain characteristics together and label them, while downplaying other characteristics, and there's no advantage to doing that.

I hear what you're saying about fitting in though. It can be hard for kids who don't really fit in at school. I didn't, and I was aware of it at primary level, and acutely aware of it at secondary level. I was bullied quite badly at secondary level for being "a nerd", very skinny, shy, bookish, not wearing the right clothes, etc. it was painful and took some time to work through with some quite negative behaviour patterns.

As such, you might expect me to also be anxious about my kid fitting in. But I'm not. As an adult, the lesson I have taken from the experience is that you've got to teach kids to be proud to let your freak flag fly, haha. My parents are wonderful but conventional, and they never gave me much guidance through the bullying. I felt they would be ashamed of me and prefer that I "fitted in" too.

But I look back and think thank god I didn't fit in. There was nothing wrong with me, or what I wore or what I did. The other kids just didn't get me. But once I left school and went to university, I found it really easy to find others who did, and my confidence increased hugely. I have lived a rather unconventional life ever since, and it's been great.

School is a small pond, and it doesn't last forever. I would focus on making sure you have your kid's back in terms of telling him he's awesome just the way he is, and if he actually does have fitting-in issues, make sure you explore non-school ways of finding him friends who are more like him.

 

[New Mrs W]

Thanks for that larkspur. Yes when I think about it, his boyish characteristics far outweigh his less boyish ones!! When I think about the class I currently teach I always think it would be the perfect class for him to be in because most of the boys are laid back, easy going, non-boisterous boys. The year before they were the complete opposite!! And I do feel I am worrying over nothing now I have thought about it. He has plenty of little friends in his preschool class and as the preschool is attached to the school I teach at, I often see him running about in the playground with other children (boys and girls). If I ever ask him who he's played with and he says no one, it is because he's wanted to play alone (which he genuinely does enjoy). I suspect I am over thinking things, yet again!! Lol. Thanks so much everyone for the advice. I've taken your advice and today we've had a lovely day together playing cars, playing cafes, learning and talking. He is such lovely company and he really thinks about what he does and what we say to him. I am proud of my lovely boy and feel jealous of whoever will get to teach him once he starts school as I think he will really enrich his class. My lovely little man xx

 

[_jellybean_]

Hi.I do understand what you're saying about fitting in, but many young boys aren't rough and physical, and I really don't think you should worry hon. Your lo sounds like an amazing little boy!

 

[candyem]

I teach year 1 and completely understand what you are saying. I spend my play duty trying to decide which child Zac will be when he starts school, the one who plays tag, one who plays football, one who brings in books for playtime, one who leads imaginary games or one who plays by himself. I worried for a long time that he was too nice (how crazy is that!!!) After seeing lots of nice boys (and girls) being walked all over in my class.

My son sounds similar to yours. People always joke that he should have been a girl and my daughter should have been the boy (she loves getting messy, chasing balls, making noise - basically every stereotypical boys thing). I just laugh it off. I just hope they both grow into happy people whi know how loved they are

 

[vermeil]

I didn't, and I was aware of it at primary level, and acutely aware of it at secondary level. I was bullied quite badly at secondary level for being "a nerd", very skinny, shy, bookish, not wearing the right clothes, etc. it was painful and took some time to work through with some quite negative behaviour patterns.

As such, you might expect me to also be anxious about my kid fitting in. But I'm not. As an adult, the lesson I have taken from the experience is that you've got to teach kids to be proud to let your freak flag fly, haha. My parents are wonderful but conventional, and they never gave me much guidance through the bullying. I felt they would be ashamed of me and prefer that I "fitted in" too.

But I look back and think thank god I didn't fit in. There was nothing wrong with me, or what I wore or what I did. The other kids just didn't get me. But once I left school and went to university, I found it really easy to find others who did, and my confidence increased hugely. I have lived a rather unconventional life ever since, and it's been great.

School is a small pond, and it doesn't last forever. I would focus on making sure you have your kid's back in terms of telling him he's awesome just the way he is, and if he actually does have fitting-in issues, make sure you explore non-school ways of finding him friends who are more like him.

Haha i was the same way! Well, eccentric video game geeky.love the 'lettting the freak flag fly' comment! So very true. heck I'm in my 40s and my family still don't get me. Heck instill dye my hair purple sometimes

My son is also very sensitive, loves dancing and singing and playing pretend in colourful costumes. He also loves whacking people with foam swords and pretend sawing off their limbs

Parenting really is an eternal source of worry huh! I worry constantly too that his extreme prematurity has caused behaviourial problems that are starting to creep up in daycare... If its not one thing its another!

 

[OmarsMum]

My son doesn't fit in at school, he doesnt even have friends, he plays along other children in the playground (I have spies at school loool), he got picked on at the beginning of the year as he is generally quiet and shy, he used to cry because of it but he refuses to hit back or tell. Anyways it drove me insane at a certain point as I felt bad for him. He prefers to play with girls at school and they all like him but he doesn't tell us anything at home about his friends.

He also sings all day, he makes up songs, he is very sensitive but also creative. He started this year to play "boy-ish" games like boxing with his dad and football, he is much louder and more "boy-ish" than before but he still loves to do my hair and "help" me to put on my makeup loool. He has his own fake jewellery and he loves to wear them around the house. He has very sparkly bangles, necklaces and anklets. He asked his grandma and uncles to buy him jewellery for "boys" on his birthday and they bought him some silver jewellery, he wears those when we go out and he looks cute

He is strongly aware of his gender (I have no clue when and how it happened, we have all sort of toys for both genders, he had pink clothes when he was younger, etc.), he asks if this is for boys or girls, he gets irritated when he gets mistaked for a girl.

he acts like a "boy" but he has a strong feminine side that doesn't bother me.

I'm honestly not bothered if he doesn't fit in, he likes school and he loves going there, his key teacher always keeps an eye on his as she knows he is different and sensitive, and she supports him whenever he needs it.

 

[RachA]

What you've described doesn't come across to me as being girly. This only thing I'd say is would be the dancing in a girly way but that isn't a big deal.

I would also say that just because a boy is a 'typical boy' doesn't mean they'll fit in anyway. My son is a typical boy although he's also very sensitive. He didn't fit in with his peers at school and even now only has 1 good friend (a boy) and a couple of other kind of friends (1 boy and 2 girls). He is happy though as he'd happy with how he is. Even through reception and year 1 when no-one would play with him he was happy just to play in his own.

I'm generally not someone who thinks we should bring up gender neutral children. Sometimes though we need to get away from the idea that certain things are girly or boyish.