Recurrent Miscarriage Thread

[dairymomma]

Katbar-I have the C677T mutation (homozygous) and my OB doesn't think it's my issue. Despite 11 losses and recurrent bleeds in the first trimesters of nearly all of my pregnancies, he doesn't think it's my issue. Yet when I brought it up to the hematologist I was referred to (I asked for the referral because we'd long suspected an unknown clotting or autoimmune issue was at play but my tests were all coming back normal), he said it was 100% certainly, definitely, positively my issue.

I've been on high dose folate either just before or during all of my rainbow pregnancies though (I have three rainbows and I'm expecting #4 due this fall) and I haven't carried to term without it so I'm a believer.

I may have the C mutation but my husband is homozygous for the A mutation. I did ask the hematologist if this was detrimental for my DH and he said it wasn't. Our kids, however, need to be on a multi-vitamin for life (according to him) because they have one bad copy of each gene.

And most recently, I saw something about how the A mutation can also cause folate issues though it's not as well studied or as well known as the C mutation is. So the moral of my story, I guess is that it just depends on who you talk to.

As for your current situation, MTHFR could have a role in it and it may just be that you had the bad luck of having bad luck. It could be that there is something else going on too-high NK cells or a slight hormone imbalance or a bad egg being fertilized or what have you. It's so hard to know because there are so many unknowns. But if it's the MTHFR that you are most concerned about, I'd suggest asking if you could take a low dose blood thinner (baby aspirin is what I take) daily when pregnant and take a good quality, high dose folate supplement with methylfolate in it. With MTHFR, you can't take just any folate. You need the right form of it for your body to be able to use it. 5-methylfolate is the proper form and if you can find a supplement with methylcobalamine in it, that wouldn't hurt either.

If you want info on MTHFR and what it can do to the body, look up MTHFR.net. I've found alot of good info on there.

 

[KatBar]

Thanks Dairymomma! That's really interesting to hear all that, and hear about your experience. I am glad you have 3 rainbows and other on the way .

I do know that the A gene mutation does affect folate asorbtion, just not as greatly as the C gene mutation (according to what I've read, with a C gene mutation, you only absorb around 20-30% of what you need, and with the A gene mutation, you only absorb 60-70% of what you need). I am homozygous as well.

I've been on a dose of MethylFolate (L-5 MTHF) for a year now, although I am not sure how high the dose is.. maybe it could be increased.. However, I wasn't aware of this issue, or taking MethylFolate, when I got pregnanct with my son... so who knows - like you say, so many unknowns.

I have my follow up in a weeks time with my IVF doctor, and I know I'll get back the results of all my blood testing (which did look at blood clotting, and autoimmune system etc), so I might mention about the baby aspirin and see what he thinks.. He did already say that he would put me on it, if my blood work came back showing I needed it. I am iffy on how accurate the blood work will be though, as I saw someone saying about how it can be inaccurate if you are pregnant at the time (& I did the blood tests just before my D&C).

Anyway, thanks again. It's comforting at least, to be able to come on here and chat with you all!

 

[Trying4first1]

Hi ladies
After 4 MC and almost 3 years TTC we finally have some answers!
I have been diagnosed with a borderline clotting disorder by St Mary's in London, which will be treated with Clexane from BFP throughout all of pregnancy if I go full term.
I have also been diagnosed with High Nk cells by Coventry. I will be given steroids from BFP until 12 weeks. They have also been prescribed progesterone to take each cycle from CD 22 for 7 days for the next 3 cycles. If I don't get pregnant in that time Will just need to take from next BFP. I will need to take this up until 12 weeks.
I am booked in for a hysteroscopy in September under general to check for scarring and to have it removed if any. We have been told to TTC in the meantime as the surgery might but be needed but have been told to go for it incase if we are not pregnant by then.
We are only in our second month TTC again and I know it can take a longggg time so I am expecting to be going for surgery, which I am OK about.
Has anyone had a similar diagnosis?

 

[aidensxmomma]

Hi ladies! I hope it's okay for me to join you all I'm very sorry for all of your losses

I kind of just feel like I need to tell my story because right now I feel so, so alone. I am currently going through my 6th early miscarriage. This one was at 4+1 weeks along. DH and I have gone through 4 other losses - April 2017, September 2015, June 2015, and August 2014. I had one other loss with my ex back in 2009 as well. None of my angel pregnancies have made it past 5 weeks.

DH and I have one DS together - he was born in August 2016. I also have a 9yo DS, a 7.5yo DD, and an angel DD who would be 5yo (I lost her to SIDS in 2012).

Since having my older three kids, I've been diagnosed with endometriosis, PCOS (although the only real symptom I seem to have is cysts on my ovaries), adenomyosis, borderline hypothyroidism, and low vitamin D. My doctor rechecked my thyroid levels in April and they seemed to be okay, but I don't feel confident about it for some reason.

I go back to see my OBGYN on Wednesday to talk about my losses and possible tests/treatments. Also, I'll have to get my hcg levels checked again to make sure they went back to zero. On one hand, I'm really dreading this appointment. On the other hand, I'm looking forward to hopefully finding some answers and maybe preventing more losses in the future; at the very least, I'd like to lower the chances.

Most of my friends/family have no idea what DH and I have been going through. I haven't really told anyone about the pregnancies or talked to anyone about them. So it's been really isolating to go through. And, truthfully, I'm really upset and angry. Not really at anyone; just that it keeps happening. I already feel really defeated because I have problems ovulating and then when I do finally get pregnant, I end up losing the babies I just turned 26 and it's so upsetting to me that I'm going through all this and have lost so many. I know that sounds so bad. I just feel very lost and disheartened.

I'm sorry for the vent and long post. But at least it feels a little better getting it all out.

 

[dairymomma]

aidensxmomma-I'm so sorry for your losses and that you find yourself here. And unfortunately, this thread tends to go silent here and there but hopefully some other ladies will pop in with some advice. As for me, my best advice is to ask about progesterone supplementation. Early losses, especially recurrent chemical pgs, can be a sign that your progesterone is very low and/or not rising like it should and supplementation is the best treatment for that. Also, have you had your TSH checked or did they do a full thyroid panel? You can have a 'normal' TSH but have a wonky T3 or free T4 which can throw things off.

Sorry I'm not much help otherwise. I know there are other things you can get tested for like high NK cells and MTHFR and other clotting or autoimmune disorders but I would first look into the most obvious things that you already know of-PCOS, endo, and thyroid trouble all mess with hormone levels and it may be as simple as taking a progesterone supplement in your case.

 

[Sweetkat]

Hi ladies
After 4 MC and almost 3 years TTC we finally have some answers!
I have been diagnosed with a borderline clotting disorder by St Mary's in London, which will be treated with Clexane from BFP throughout all of pregnancy if I go full term.
I have also been diagnosed with High Nk cells by Coventry. I will be given steroids from BFP until 12 weeks. They have also been prescribed progesterone to take each cycle from CD 22 for 7 days for the next 3 cycles. If I don't get pregnant in that time Will just need to take from next BFP. I will need to take this up until 12 weeks.
I am booked in for a hysteroscopy in September under general to check for scarring and to have it removed if any. We have been told to TTC in the meantime as the surgery might but be needed but have been told to go for it incase if we are not pregnant by then.
We are only in our second month TTC again and I know it can take a longggg time so I am expecting to be going for surgery, which I am OK about.
Has anyone had a similar diagnosis?

Trying4First - it's good you have answers! I have also been diagnosed with slightly elevated NK cells and now am nearly 4 weeks pregnant. I wonder whether I should ask for steroids???

My losses were however chromosomal and that is nothing to do with NK cells and also I had DD without taking anything for NK cells.

I might give the dr I saw a call (he was at the Lister).

I hope you get your rainbow very soon

 

[Trying4first1]

Hi ladies
After 4 MC and almost 3 years TTC we finally have some answers!
I have been diagnosed with a borderline clotting disorder by St Mary's in London, which will be treated with Clexane from BFP throughout all of pregnancy if I go full term.
I have also been diagnosed with High Nk cells by Coventry. I will be given steroids from BFP until 12 weeks. They have also been prescribed progesterone to take each cycle from CD 22 for 7 days for the next 3 cycles. If I don't get pregnant in that time Will just need to take from next BFP. I will need to take this up until 12 weeks.
I am booked in for a hysteroscopy in September under general to check for scarring and to have it removed if any. We have been told to TTC in the meantime as the surgery might but be needed but have been told to go for it incase if we are not pregnant by then.
We are only in our second month TTC again and I know it can take a longggg time so I am expecting to be going for surgery, which I am OK about.
Has anyone had a similar diagnosis?

Trying4First - it's good you have answers! I have also been diagnosed with slightly elevated NK cells and now am nearly 4 weeks pregnant. I wonder whether I should ask for steroids???

My losses were however chromosomal and that is nothing to do with NK cells and also I had DD without taking anything for NK cells.

I might give the dr I saw a call (he was at the Lister).

I hope you get your rainbow very soon

Thank you Sweetkat and congrats on your pregnancy 😊
I think it's worth an ask to be on the safe side.
Your daughter may have been conceived on a cycle where you NK cells levels were low meaning all was ok. At Coventry they told me that they can vary from cycle to cycle. My first result came back normal and he second was high. Which is why they now do 2 endometrial biopsies

 

[Buttons_01]

Not really sure whether to post on here or not because as of late it doesn't seem like I have a problem getting pregnant, it's staying pregnant. I'm 22 years old & have a son who will be 3 in July. I'm currently going through my 3rd loss In a row, passed baby today. Obviously I haven't had any tests done to find out why I keep losing them but now that I'm sadly onto my 3rd loss, I hope I will be able to have some tests done and finally get answers as to why I can't seem to keep hold of my babies. I think it's absolutely heartbreaking that they make women suffer through 3 losses or more before even looking into why it's happening! .. I don't even know if I want to even try and have another baby after these 3 losses. This loss has got to me the most and I haven't really taken it very well and have just cried, which isn't really good when I have my son to look after and concentrate on. Hopefully I will be able to get some testinng done and then don't go on age because yes I am young and may have plenty of time ahead of me but I have suffered through 3 losses and I need to know why! x

 

[aidensxmomma]

aidensxmomma-I'm so sorry for your losses and that you find yourself here. And unfortunately, this thread tends to go silent here and there but hopefully some other ladies will pop in with some advice. As for me, my best advice is to ask about progesterone supplementation. Early losses, especially recurrent chemical pgs, can be a sign that your progesterone is very low and/or not rising like it should and supplementation is the best treatment for that. Also, have you had your TSH checked or did they do a full thyroid panel? You can have a 'normal' TSH but have a wonky T3 or free T4 which can throw things off.

Sorry I'm not much help otherwise. I know there are other things you can get tested for like high NK cells and MTHFR and other clotting or autoimmune disorders but I would first look into the most obvious things that you already know of-PCOS, endo, and thyroid trouble all mess with hormone levels and it may be as simple as taking a progesterone supplement in your case.

Thank you

I did go to my doctor to talk to him about the losses. He decided that it's not worth doing a lot of testing at this point, but he will give me progesterone for my next pregnancy. So I guess we will see how that goes and take it from there. I'm glad to have a plan at least.

Not really sure whether to post on here or not because as of late it doesn't seem like I have a problem getting pregnant, it's staying pregnant. I'm 22 years old & have a son who will be 3 in July. I'm currently going through my 3rd loss In a row, passed baby today. Obviously I haven't had any tests done to find out why I keep losing them but now that I'm sadly onto my 3rd loss, I hope I will be able to have some tests done and finally get answers as to why I can't seem to keep hold of my babies. I think it's absolutely heartbreaking that they make women suffer through 3 losses or more before even looking into why it's happening! .. I don't even know if I want to even try and have another baby after these 3 losses. This loss has got to me the most and I haven't really taken it very well and have just cried, which isn't really good when I have my son to look after and concentrate on. Hopefully I will be able to get some testinng done and then don't go on age because yes I am young and may have plenty of time ahead of me but I have suffered through 3 losses and I need to know why! x

I'm sorry for you losses and that you find yourself here. I can completely understand your frustration with having to have three losses and with doctors brushing you off because of your age. I'm 26, so not much older, and I've been fighting with doctors for years to take my concerns seriously. I have finally found a good doctor now, but I went through a lot of bad ones first, unfortunately. They wouldn't look into anything because I was young and because I already had kids. Keep trying to find a good doctor who will listen and investigate and now dwell on you age. Also, be gentle on yourself. Going through a loss is hard. Doing it while taking care of other kids is even harder. Try to find the time you need to take for yourself (easier said than done, I know). And don't make any major life decisions right now regarding trying again. The emotions are all still fresh and raw and it's hard to make an informed decision when we're in the middle of things. I said the same thing after my most recent loss and even told my husband that if he wanted to divorce me and find a wife who could carry his kids (my youngest is ours together; my older ones are from my first marriage), I would understand and not hold it against him. But after giving it a little time, I know in my heart that I want to keep trying and in the end, it'll be worth all the pain to get there. (I hope that all came out right). Once again, I'm so sorry for your losses and I hope that you're able to get the testing done to get some answers.

 

[MrsHudson]

I hope it's ok to join in. According to what I've been told I haven't had enough losses to be recurrent but I had one mc in November 2016. Baby passed at 9 weeks and wasn't discovered until 12 weeks after a bad car accident and I had started bleeding out of coincidence. DH and I ttc this month, I got pregnant and it turned out to be a chemical. I started bleeding 2 days after af would've come. I made an appointment with my OB in hopes she'll be willing to do some testing now. DH told me he'd only try one more time and I'm not sure how I'll take giving up right when they'd be willing to test me but I also no I can't continue trying for my own mental health.

It's just confusing for me because I had ds with my first pregnancy and no issues at all with him.

 

[xJessie91x]

Hey all!

I'm 26 from the UK and I have a beautiful 4 year old son. (I had minor bleeding with him but a fairly straight forward pregnancy) fast forward a few years and after a dramatic situation and a failed marriage with his father I am in another relationship. We've been together 2 years and decided to try for a very much wanted sibling for George. I had my implant removed and I seem to be able to fall pregnant very quickly. My issue is keeping baby safe. January we miscarried at 5 weeks. June we miscarried again at about 8 weeks and this month we lost a third baby at about 6 weeks. My doctors are doing some simple blood tests and a swab for bv in October and I've been referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic and my appointment is in November.
Feeling very nervous and just hope I can have more babies! It's been an emotional year. Hope you are all well and look forward to getting to know you all

 

[jel888]

Hello,

I'm saddened to hear of your loss and having loss a few in a similar way and at the same stage, I understand your pain and hope to be able to have another child. Thought I can't say that God will bless it to happen, I can say that He can, as I've had four children, two much later in age. And one of them I had after losing two in the early weeks of pregnancy. In addition to praying for peace and trusting God for the right time, what helped for me was that my gynecologist thought to do a sonogram (not just directly after the loss), but later on and he found a mass (which he then scheduled me for a curettage and removed) that was a remain from the last baby loss. The mass apparently was impeding another embryo from being able to properly form in my uterus. So, I thought I'd share that in case you haven't had a sonogram in a while after the loss of your last baby. My prayers will be with you.

 

[flower52]

Hello Girls,
I am new and I want to share my story of 2 losses (missed miscarriage) and here back form you if anyone has faced this type of issue.
Here is my 1st loss:
I was pregnant (unexpected), I came to know at 6 weeks and went to doctor for 1st Ultrasound at 8 weeks, by this time we see that little bean and heartbeat of 176BPM and everything was good till then and for me 2nd visit at 12 weeks they repeated the ultrasound and its a shock, baby's HB was gone at 8W 2days and it was declared as Missed Miscarriage (MMC).
I waited for 2 more weeks to see it comes out naturally but no luck and doctor recommended me D&C and it was done.

2nd Loss:
I was pregnant within 1 month (planned), I requested for my 1st doctor appointment and they did 1st Ultrasound at 8 weeks 1 day, by this time we again see that little bean and heartbeat of 153 BPM and everything was good, because of my previous MMC I was nervous all the time and wanted to have one more abdominal ultrasound at the end of 9th weeks and we see there is no heartbeat and baby is dead at 8weeks 2 days it repeated again and it was one more D&C for me because this time doctor wanted to test the tissue of the fetus and we got the results back :
It was mentioned the baby is a 'Girl' and abnormal chromosome (Monosomy X) (45, X)
and doctor recommended us today for High risk doctor for further.

Please Please anyone advice/ suggest / Let me know had heard or went through(sorry) this issue and please reply me back is there any success stories for this issue.

And again I am really sorry for all of our losses and I hope we will all get a beautiful baby soon

 

[Hope16]

so sorry that this is happening to you flower52

Did you speak to a genetics counselor to see if this is something that might occur again? I know with IVF procedures, you can pay to have testing down on your embryos so that you can make sure only the healthiest embryo gets transferred. This might help overcome your obstacle. Sending hugs

 

[corrissaf1812]

I have two healthy boys, ages 4 and 2. Two years ago in July, I was pregnant unexpectedly. For some reason, I wanted to get into the doctor before 10 weeks to make sure everything was ok. I went in around 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat. They set up an appointment a week and a half later to do another ultrasound, and there still was no heartbeat. I ended up having a d&c because my body would not naturally miscarry.

One year later exactly, I was pregnant again. This time, I miscarried naturally around 7 weeks. I just could not believe it. I was in shock.

Now, my husband and I are completing trying again. A family member of mine actually said maybe my body is telling me something and I should not try again. I know they are not coming from a cruel place, but I almost fee guilty if we would try again. It is just hard for me because we had two boys perfectly healthy and my pregnancies had no complications. I am only 27, so age really would not be a factor. I am mostly putting this out there so I feel I have a voice in a group where women know and feel my pain. If you have any thoughts or advice, I would love to hear it.

 

[ttc126]

I have two healthy boys, ages 4 and 2. Two years ago in July, I was pregnant unexpectedly. For some reason, I wanted to get into the doctor before 10 weeks to make sure everything was ok. I went in around 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat. They set up an appointment a week and a half later to do another ultrasound, and there still was no heartbeat. I ended up having a d&c because my body would not naturally miscarry.

One year later exactly, I was pregnant again. This time, I miscarried naturally around 7 weeks. I just could not believe it. I was in shock.

Now, my husband and I are completing trying again. A family member of mine actually said maybe my body is telling me something and I should not try again. I know they are not coming from a cruel place, but I almost fee guilty if we would try again. It is just hard for me because we had two boys perfectly healthy and my pregnancies had no complications. I am only 27, so age really would not be a factor. I am mostly putting this out there so I feel I have a voice in a group where women know and feel my pain. If you have any thoughts or advice, I would love to hear it.

Hi hon. I’m sorry for your losses. I don’t have great advice but i went through a very similar situation, including age. Had 2 boys 16 months apart then a chemical followed by 3 miscarriages. I then had difficulty conceiving. Consulting an RE was the best decision I made and even though the road was so hard i did have a rainbow boy in Oct.
People told me the same things. It’s heartbreaking and ignorant but they don’t mean to be cruel as you’ve said. Having miscarriages isn’t a message to be done always. Sending hugs.

 

[Squiggy]

Well, here I am graduating from the First Trimester page with a dead baby inside me for the second time. I have a healthy four year old. I miscarried in 2014; it's taken me 3 and a half years to conceive again just to go through it again. My last one was dubbed "no heartbeat" at 8w. Yesterday, at 8w5d I went to emergency for light bleeding and again was given the "no heartbeat" diagnosis.

With the first loss I started bleeding and didn't stop until everything was out. Everything passed within the day.
This time there was very light spotting and now I wait. It doesn't feel real. I'm actually hopeful their machines were wrong. Although the only symptom is that my heavy breast pain is now gone.

I just feel like I hate everything and everybody! My husband couldn't care less.

 

[sunshine85]

Well, here I am graduating from the First Trimester page with a dead baby inside me for the second time. I have a healthy four year old. I miscarried in 2014; it's taken me 3 and a half years to conceive again just to go through it again. My last one was dubbed "no heartbeat" at 8w. Yesterday, at 8w5d I went to emergency for light bleeding and again was given the "no heartbeat" diagnosis.

With the first loss I started bleeding and didn't stop until everything was out. Everything passed within the day.
This time there was very light spotting and now I wait. It doesn't feel real. I'm actually hopeful their machines were wrong. Although the only symptom is that my heavy breast pain is now gone.

I just feel like I hate everything and everybody! My husband couldn't care less.

Squig, not sure if you remember ms from 2014 but we were on several threads together. My heart breaks for you and I am here for you. I am so terribly sorry for the diagnosis but also pray that their machines were also wrong. I'm sending you loads of love, hugs and support. I'm sure your husband cares, men just process things differently than we'd like. It's OK to be angry, sad, etc. You're entitled. We are here for you though.

 

[Squiggy]

Well, here I am graduating from the First Trimester page with a dead baby inside me for the second time. I have a healthy four year old. I miscarried in 2014; it's taken me 3 and a half years to conceive again just to go through it again. My last one was dubbed "no heartbeat" at 8w. Yesterday, at 8w5d I went to emergency for light bleeding and again was given the "no heartbeat" diagnosis.

With the first loss I started bleeding and didn't stop until everything was out. Everything passed within the day.
This time there was very light spotting and now I wait. It doesn't feel real. I'm actually hopeful their machines were wrong. Although the only symptom is that my heavy breast pain is now gone.

I just feel like I hate everything and everybody! My husband couldn't care less.

Squig, not sure if you remember ms from 2014 but we were on several threads together. My heart breaks for you and I am here for you. I am so terribly sorry for the diagnosis but also pray that their machines were also wrong. I'm sending you loads of love, hugs and support. I'm sure your husband cares, men just process things differently than we'd like. It's OK to be angry, sad, etc. You're entitled. We are here for you though.

I recognize your name, but you must have had a different avatar photo. Thank you for your support!

I'm definitely having all the emotions. My husband is glad. He pretended to be happy when I announced and he pretended to cry when I lost. He's resentful of the one child we have, he has not wanted anymore. I'm only with him at this point because I have nowhere to go.

I just don't understand life's plan. My whole life I wanted to be a mom. And now all it gives me is grief. I have one child and feel so alone with him. I wanted a family! My whole life all I wanted was a family! I'm not handling well. I thought going through it already would make me stronger this time but it's not. I'm feeling hateful and suicidal. I just don't get what life is. It's a punishment! Life is a punishment!!!

The worst part is sitting here waiting for all the pain and blood to start. Anticipating it. Knowing it's going to happen. But day after day: nothing still. I'm being downright cruel to everyone. I can't take this. God can take my babies but can't set up a situation for me to get away from a man I don't belong with???????????????????????????????

 

[sunshine85]

Well, here I am graduating from the First Trimester page with a dead baby inside me for the second time. I have a healthy four year old. I miscarried in 2014; it's taken me 3 and a half years to conceive again just to go through it again. My last one was dubbed "no heartbeat" at 8w. Yesterday, at 8w5d I went to emergency for light bleeding and again was given the "no heartbeat" diagnosis.

With the first loss I started bleeding and didn't stop until everything was out. Everything passed within the day.
This time there was very light spotting and now I wait. It doesn't feel real. I'm actually hopeful their machines were wrong. Although the only symptom is that my heavy breast pain is now gone.

I just feel like I hate everything and everybody! My husband couldn't care less.

Squig, not sure if you remember ms from 2014 but we were on several threads together. My heart breaks for you and I am here for you. I am so terribly sorry for the diagnosis but also pray that their machines were also wrong. I'm sending you loads of love, hugs and support. I'm sure your husband cares, men just process things differently than we'd like. It's OK to be angry, sad, etc. You're entitled. We are here for you though.

I recognize your name, but you must have had a different avatar photo. Thank you for your support!

I'm definitely having all the emotions. My husband is glad. He pretended to be happy when I announced and he pretended to cry when I lost. He's resentful of the one child we have, he has not wanted anymore. I'm only with him at this point because I have nowhere to go.

I just don't understand life's plan. My whole life I wanted to be a mom. And now all it gives me is grief. I have one child and feel so alone with him. I wanted a family! My whole life all I wanted was a family! I'm not handling well. I thought going through it already would make me stronger this time but it's not. I'm feeling hateful and suicidal. I just don't get what life is. It's a punishment! Life is a punishment!!!

The worst part is sitting here waiting for all the pain and blood to start. Anticipating it. Knowing it's going to happen. But day after day: nothing still. I'm being downright cruel to everyone. I can't take this. God can take my babies but can't set up a situation for me to get away from a man I don't belong with???????????????????????????????

Squig, nope same photo. But yes we used to converse a lot back then in 2014. I feel so awful the way you're feeling babe. Even more so worried about the suicidal thoughts. You really need to talk to someone, hell I'm here I would give you my number to call me if you need someone to talk to who understands. Or to listen. I got you. you have a precious baby that loves and adores you, imagine you not there for him. How awful would life be for him. Moms are our children's whole universe. Your heart beats. It has purpose. You have purpose. If its over with your hubby life goes on. Find resources in your area that will help with the transition. Wish you were in Florida. My home is big enough. I just wish o could be there for you. You've got a wealth of support here darling. I know it all seems grim right now but trust me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You'll make it through.