Relationship Issues...continue to feel defeated...VERY LONG POST

[JZW]

My God, you have put up with so much already. I really do admire how hard you've tried because so many people give up too early. But I think you know yourself now that there's nothing more you can do.
You simply have two choices; put up with him for what he is (because as the previous posters have said, he's unlikely to change) or get out. And I think for both your sake and the sake of your children, you must get out. You deserve so much better as a woman, and your children really shouldn't be seeing this kind of thing. If it continues, your children will grow up thinking that that is normality and how men treat women. It will affect their future relationships and self-esteem.
All of you deserve to live in a happy, calm environment. He doesn't deserve any more of your patience. Please think of your health!

^^^ WSS

Please don't continue to put yourself and your child through this. He is obviously not going to change as he doesn't see that what he is doing is wrong.

 

[Gnomer]

I'd at the very least advise some time out.
Tell him you don't want to see him for a while, you need time to think and space to contemplate your future. Personally, I'd get a friend round when I did this. From the sounds of it he is unpredictable and willing and able to lash out when you stand against him.

After a few weeks apart, you'll have had time to think, adjust to life without him and consider the pro's and cons of having him around. Of course, he may not be so willing to go, so be careful flower

In my personal opinion, he isn't a nice man. And not someone i would trust with my child, or even myself.

 

[becsparkel]

If there's anyway you can get him to go to relationship/couples counselling (see someone face to face, web therapy isn't as good)? that's a step before ending the relationship, it really can help - especially because it sounds like you both have issues - especially his relationship with his mum. But I would lay down a zero tolerance policy with him hitting you or your daughter - you can't work on a relationship with the threat of violence. In fact if you do see a counsellor she/he might lay down those ground rules to begin with.

If you can't get him to go to therapy or accept any responsibility for the relationship and his behaviour, then sadly it might be best to end it.

Hope you're ok honey, sounds like you've totally got your head screwed on - it's him that's in denial. Good luck x x x

 

[Lesli45]

Thanks so much everyone. Everyone seems to be saying pretty much the same thing and I really do respect your opinions so very much. It really doesn't ever feel like he would put his hands on me or my daughter, but I guess abuse does have to start somewhere and like I (and many of you) have stated, him hitting her with a pillow out of anger is not right, what will it be next time.

Becsparkel, I have already mentioned counseling a few times to him now and his response is the same each time. That he isn't going to a counselor. He says that's for me and my issues with my past relationships. So as much as I was hoping to get a professional third party involved that he might actually listen to, it doesn't look as if it is going to happen.

I'm seriously wondering if he has some major mental issues that he (and I) are not aware of. After the heated discussion last night, he fell asleep downstairs and slept there for the night. When he came up to get ready for work this am, he acted all normal like nothing ever happened last night... Can't figure out if he's in denial, he doesn't think it was a big deal or he has serious mental issues?! I don't get it. Anyways, doesn't really matter, I get what you are all saying and appreciate it. Funny how something can just feel so right initially...everything seems to click...then a number of months later it just explodes. Thanks again everyone...

 

[BabyBoo36]

My ex did exactly this - verbally and emotionally abused me, blamed it all on me, and would then completely confuse me by acting "normal" the next day. He also refused counselling. It took me 3 months to realise that he wasn't going to change, and wasn't prepared to take ANY responsibility for our problems, and then I left. It was without a doubt the one of the hardest things I have ever done, and he made my life hell for a while, but now, 7 years later I am so happy.

After I left my ex, I was virtually homeless. I had to take him to court twice to get him evicted from MY house (he had "marital rights" as we were married, despite him not being on the house deeds), he followed me, sent me hundreds of texts - mainly abusive - I was spat at in the street and verbally abused by his family, and I had to get the police involved as he was registering me onto porn websites using my work e-mail address. It was a hard time, but it just proved that I was right to leave, and that he didn't respect me at all. It made me the person I am today. Now I'm married to a gorgeous man, and expecting my first baby, and I shudder to think of what life would've been like if I'd stayed.

My friend is currently in an abusive relationship that started with name calling and object throwing, and progressed to physical violence.I have lost count of the amount of times I have had to take her to hospital. She refuses to leave - I don't know why. Please don't become my friend. If he refuses to take responsibility, he will never change.

xx

 

[Lesli45]

Thank you for sharing your life experience and advice, BabyBoo36.

 

[cantwait86]

I have been meaning to respond to your first post since you first put it up, now after reading this one I have to say that it is defitinitly at least time to take a break, spend at least a couple days (if not a week or 2) apart from one another, and see what you feel like with him being out of the picture for a little while. I specifically remember yu saying in your first thread that when he took off last time you felt relieved? Yes? That is what you need right now. To clear your head and consider your situation, it will hive you time to think about your daughter, the baby growing inside you, and yourself ofcourse. I have been where you are now. Almost the exact situation, and unfortunately for me the verbal abuse dis turn into physical abuse. I also figured out that when I was with him, I was so caught up in making things work that I wasn't myself anymore,I had turned into this soul-less, self conscious, quiet and unhappy person -all becuse I just wanted things to work so badly, I stopped caring how he treated me.

Do not stand for any sort of behavior like this anymore, stopping now will show him you mean business. You are the only person who can protect you & your daughter from things like this and my advice is to take a break as soon as possible- get him out of the house. Don't give into begging or attempts at making you feel bad for making him leave, I'm sure he will say all kinds of things to you when you tell him, yell, bitch, moan, whatever! Make him see that you will not tolerate him talking to you that way anymore, or ever being angry physically or verbally towards your daughter & this new baby. If anything, you have figured out that talking will not work, so taking a break would be the only next step in my opinion. You all deserve better. Him having time to himself will help him see that getting counciling may not be a bad idea, and that you & his child are worth going to any counciling session - no matter what. It sounds like that was a great idea on your part & it will be a Great way for him to show you that he can be involved and does care about working on the relationship.

I definitly think that 1st, taking some time apart, will help calm things down and show him that you are serious about this. Otherwise, if he doesn't want to act like an adult and take some responsibility for his words/actions- then It sounds to me like what Sini said was right "I'd rather be a single mom" - as would I. Life is just way too short, and it's just not worth it.

Please let us know how things go. I can tell you are strong and tough, but this is hard no matter how strong/independent you are. I can promise you fr the botto
Of my heart that you will feel better knowing that you continued to stand up for yourself & your daughter- then to just back down and let it continue any longer.

Be safe chickadee -Please!!

Please do PM me if you ever need anyone to talk to.

 

[Lesli45]

Thank you cantwait86. I don't know that time apart will make him realize anything to be honest (if anything, I feel like he'd be happy since he thinks its all me anyways); but in the end I think it would be for the best. I'm so tired of walking on eggshells and having to watch every little thing I say for fear he may take it wrong. I don't feel like myself. The past few months I haven't had much contact with my friends and I don't feel happy. And where our fights used to get me worked up and emotional (and worried that he'd leave), now I just feel numb...not as many tears are shed and I wish he'd leave...

 

[shellb]

Run girl!
he WILL get worse. This guy sounds like a textbook case of abuse. Its not about your feelings for him anymore. He just hit your daughter out of anger, even if with a pillow, that will escalate. Even if you believe in spankings and stuff, you aren't supposed to do it out of anger, but out of discipline. You need to protect your children first.

Once hes gone then get some counselling for yourself to help you through this horrible and tough time. You're going to need someone guiding you through it. You can do it! Big hugs!

 

[DMG83]

hun you already know how i feel about this situation it's verbal and emotional abuse and it makes me sick reading that he's getting worse. Again, this is not you or your problem, he is telling you that to control and manipulate you, i'm surprised he didn't throw his "depression" story in for good measure too... Please just make a stand now, for the sake of yours and your daughters happiness and safety xx

 

[sara k]

you said you love him...how you can love someone who is so disrespectful with you and your daughter....you shouldnt talk him anymore ...sometimes silence speaks louder...it seems like he has no value for your opinions...its better be quite and may be he realize his mistake ...

 

[Lesli45]

I guess I love him because he isn't always like that. He does have a funny, caring and fun side...he just determines when he shows it (which lately has mostly just been to the external world). But you're right, he is disrespectful...he just turns it on/off when he wants to which has made it all the more confusing.

 

[MrsGM]

maybe try a break from him, it's very hard to tell how you feel sometimes when they're there right in front of you

But seriously life is too short to waste your life on someone like that

 

[MummyMEE]

Lesli, please let me tell you about the situation I was in with my first husband and father of DS. I get goosebumps reading your post as this was how things started with my ex, he was verbally abusive and this progressed to physical abuse, I had a lot of problems with my pregnancy and was supposed to be resting. When I was 7 months pregnant he threw me up against a wall and triggered premature labour and I had my son 8 weeks early. When DS finally came out of SCBU we just stayed out of his way for a year - during this time he was also drinking heavily and just after his first birthday I left him and moved back home with my mum. With hindsight bringing a baby into the relationship wasn't wise but it made me see that I did not want to carry on like this and I certainly didn't want my son growing up around this man. 13 years on and I am married to an amazing man and pregnant again, this time I am not walking on eggshells or thinking about the reaction my words / actions will provoke. Trust me, once you are away from this man both you and your little ones will bloom and you will wonder why you spent as much time, effort and energy on this waste of space!! Love and peace xxxx

 

[allaboard]

It seems that his problem is he can't bring himself down from the anger once he's there. I honestly wouldn't have entered into any discussion whilst my daughter is there as you know he's going to bite back and it'll escalate. Except then by appearing standoffish and taking the moral high ground you'll aggravate his mood even more.

It's plain as day that he's got to go to anger management.

If he were a little more balanced and in control of his feelings and emotions then he wouldn't get into the state he does and aim it towards you and take it out on your child. Absolutely not acceptable to intimidate a child, not at all. It's hardly surprising though given his upbringing - it sounds like it's left a number of issues that have bubbled up to the surface now that he is on the brink of becoming a parent. Who knows? He doesn't share these things with you.

Sorry if i've repeated anything, i haven't read any previous posts other than the first one.