Relationship Issues...continue to feel defeated...VERY LONG POST

[Lesli45]

Well, I posted prior about the issues my bf and I were having and received some really really good advice on here. I just thought I'd update as my bf and I had our latest discussion and I just feel like there is nowhere to go in this relationship. I feel defeated, tired and really just overall sick of dealing with this crap. My daughter and I deserve better than to be treated this way....

My daughter was being a bit of a diva and wouldn't talk to her grandfather on the phone tonight. I got her to talk to him for a short bit but she was too absorbed in wanting to play the game on her camera. So my bf and I tried to talk to her while playing the video game and of course she was less than responsive. My bf grabbed it out of her hand forcefully and she started to cry so I said I would talk to her about it without distraction when I had her upstairs in 5 min. So he whacked her with a pillow (which he sometimes does playfully but this was done out of spite) and she started to cry again. I told him not to do that again and that wasn't the way to deal with it and he started dissing my parenting skills. He made a comment that he never would have acted that way with his mom and dad (now, brief history here, his mom was an alcoholic and would leave her kids for long periods of time or drive drunk with them in the car...and his dad although there sort of physically was not there much emotionally). So I said I didn't want my daughter in that type of environment or raised like that...to which he yelled F*ck off (again in front of my daughter). I told him not to talk to me that way and to start treating me with respect or the relationship would not last. I took my daughter upstairs and proceeded to talk to her about not being mean to her grandfather and also to respect myself and my bf. She seemed to get it...yay.

I went back downstairs (figured my bf and I both needed time to cool off) and the first thing my bf said was "if you ever say again that the relationship is over, then it will be over." I told him again that it was disrespectful for him to say the words that he often says to me (especially in front of my daughter) to which his reply was "if I tell you to f*ck off or shut the f*ck up then it means I'm really angry and to leave it." He said it was who he was and tough if I didn't like him swearing in front of my daughter. So, basically had the same conversation we had on my prior post about how it wasn't respectful to talk to anyone that way. He just kept saying that I belittle him and how dare I talk about his family life that way and that I was a lowlife for saying that comment. He said I was abusive and that threatening to end the relationship was abusive. When I kept saying, ok then maybe we should get a third party involved (counsellor) so that we could talk about this and he could tell me if I was being abusive. He wants nothing to do with counseling. He feels this is my problem and that the fact that I have had issues with past relationships means I have major issues. Never mind that obviously his relationships haven't worked out either...but of course according to him that was his choice.

So....when I asked him (yet again) if he took ANY responsibility for us fighting or having problems he basically just said it was the way I talk to and belittle him. He said he didn't have these issues in his past relationships. He also said I don't love him and that he is merely a challenge for me. I kept calm for pretty much the whole conversation and stood my ground (only shedding a couple of tears) but basically said that I love him a lot and really wanted this to work but didn't feel he respected me and felt he would treat me like a child or someone beneath him with the way he talked to me. I told him that I had been nothing but supportive about him and his upbringing and would never judge him, only that I didn't want that for my daughter (his response of course F*ck you. I told him (yet again) I knew I wasn't perfect and that I really wanted to work on myself and the issues I had, but said he wasn't perfect either. I told him if he wanted this to work then we had to try and work through it together. As usual, it all came down to being my issues, and I'm the one who causes this to happen. I asked if it was my tone that would set him off etc etc...again trying to see what I could do to make things work. Again, it just came down to me being this lowlife by choosing the words and ways to approach him. I told him if I have an opinion on something I'm not going to keep it hidden or not say it just because he doesn't agree with it. That wasn't how I was going to live my life.

So...again...that went nowhere but in circles. He sees nothing wrong with talking to me that way in front of my daughter. I don't see it as acceptable. If I say so then he keeps saying it. I honestly feel like giving up. Our conversations go absolutely nowhere since he always thinks I'm attacking him. He won't go to counseling. So what else is there to do? Nothing. How can we ever move forward if he won't take ANY responsibility? I know that some of it lies within me (takes two to tango) but I also know that he has a lot he needs to deal with and he isn't willing on any level. I've taken some steps (ie counselling online since I was concerned about my insecurities and jealousy during this pregnancy and wanted to work on myself) and by the end of it the counselor was saying that my bf was a huge part of the problem and that he really didn't treat me with respect. So there you go...perhaps that is my answer right there. I just feel so frustrated. I want this to work so badly and I don't feel as if it's going to.

Anyways, sorry yet again for such a long and negative post. I really am usually a happy and positive person lol, just going through some really sh*tty stuff with my relationship right now. Thanks for listening...

 

[jrc10]

I think he is verbally/emotionally abusive to you. And hitting your daughter with a pillow out of anger is also abuse. I think you need to get rid of him. When you're in a loving relationship, you argue, but you work together as a team and apologize to one another.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[MrsH86]

I think there comes a time when you have to accept you can take no more and make a stand. He will of course think he's in the right and continue to blame the relationship breakdown all on you but you shouldn't put up with living with someone who treats you so appallingly. No matter what your flaws if he cared enough he would accept them as part of you, as you accept his and try and deal with them if they become an issue not ignore them and lash out.

You and your children deserve so much better. You will eventually be looking after three children as his behaviour is hardly adult. I read your previous post and I think you seem a really strong woman who can take care of and give her children the best so I hope you can find some resolve because it seems all he will do is keep bringing you down and that's no way to live.

I hope things can work out for you x

 

[laughingduck]

I don't know what to say. It sounds like he's really disrespectful to you but you already know that. It's hard to work on fixing a relationship when one partner isn't willing to take any of the blame or work on things himself... I'm so sorry you're going through this

 

[abi17]

In sorry but I completely agree with the post above, I would not be with someone who is physically, mentally And emotionally aggressive towards you. I am really sorry to hear your going through this but if he doesn't believe he has a problem he never will change until he realises that and wants to help himself, I'm sorry again your faced with this situation. I hope you work things out best for you and your children x

 

[aley28]

Honestly... if my husband were to smack my son with a pillow out of spite, I'd pack my son up and leave. He doesn't get time for excuses or explanations. Yes, its just a pillow. Its the act that counts. What if it had been a stick or another hard object?

Parenting is one of those things that you're going to argue about. No two people have completely identical ideals of what good parenting is. I know my husband and I have had big fights about it, and I know there are more to come. But I'm not kidding... if he EVER hit our son with an object in any way besides playfully (tapping his rear with a wooden spoon playfully doesn't count)... it is my duty to protect our son, especially from that sort of harm!

 

[SuperKat]

I think he is verbally/emotionally abusive to you. And hitting your daughter with a pillow out of anger is also abuse. I think you need to get rid of him. When you're in a loving relationship, you argue, but you work together as a team and apologize to one another.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

I agree with this poster. My first thought after reading your post was 'hmm, has he hit her yet?'. I can't help but wonder hoe far into your relationship it will be before he uses his hands as a weapon against you, and not just his words. This man needs help.

I think that by staying in this relationship you are just setting yourself up for lot of heartache and pain, which will eventually lead to you leaving him anyway. He isn't in a place where he is willing to change, it seems more likely that his behavior will get worse, than better.

Hang in there, I know that leaving won't be easy- but I am betting you will have more peace....and who knows...maybe it will be a wake-up call for him to get himself some help! (And I wouldn't take him back until I was 100% sure that he had started getting help for all of his baggage).

 

[Lesli45]

Thanks everyone. Your well wishes, advice and support mean a lot. You are very right... he's not going to change because he doesn't think he is in the wrong at all. It will always be my fault and I don't think he will ever see it as his problem. I'm still in shock that he did that to my daughter tonight...even if he says he does it all the time playfully. I saw the look on his face when he did it and he was pissed.

I'm fine with having differing opinions on anything...especially parenting as it is a hot topic. But to not be willing to meet halfway or try to talk it out...I can't see it going anywhere. I'm really disappointed but it's for the best, I guess. I wanted to keep trying but I feel as if I've hit a wall.

 

[TattooedMom2B]

I was in a relationship once for about 4 years in which I was constantly abused mentally, physically and verbally. It escalated over a period of months and just got worse and worse. I can tell you that someone like this who treats you so poorly will likely never change. From what you've said, he seems like he has no respect whatsoever for you or your child, and in my opinion, you would be much happier without him. No woman should ever put up with abuse from a man of any kind. It's unhealthy for you in every way.

Stay strong, and don't put up with people's crap. Life is too short to spend it with someone who makes you cry.

 

[ciarhwyfar]

I don't want to be rude but my first thought was "What are you waiting for?"

It sounds like you know it is passed time to put him out on his rear. Pack his stuff, get the locks changed, and have someone over for when he comes to get his stuff. He has no respect for anyone else and from some of your other posts, he is using you for pretty much a free ride. As long as you keep trying to "talk it out", he knows he doesn't have to worry about it.

 

[Kasia]

It sounds like typical verbal abuse- he's still not seeing your point & continues to turn ALL blame on you. So sorry you are going thru this but it honestly doesnt sound like it's going to get any better. Wishing you all the best!!

 

[aley28]

Men (well, let's just go more general and say people) like this very rarely change for the better. I've never heard of one who has, sadly.

I know the feeling of wanting something to just work itself out, but I fear that he is doing everything he can to avoid making it better. And in the meantime, he is belittling and disrespecting you and your daughter. As hard as it may be to face booting his sorry butt out the door... it'll be harder if he takes it any further and starts seriously hurting your children. Now is the time to put the ka-bosh on it before it gets completely out of hand and your daughter gets hurt. Or your baby. Or you.

I'm sorry you're going through this! Its not fun under any circumstances and when there are children involved, I imagine it makes it even harder.

 

[Periwinkle]

I wouldn't stand for the hitting with the pillow at all. As someone else said, what if next time the thing that comes to hand when he's angry isn't a pillow? I'm against using violence to discipline children anyway, but even if you're someone who does use it it should never be out of anger. That's when it turns into abuse in my eyes.

I'm sorry to say that I would ask him to leave if I were you x

 

[kermie219]

Firstly hun there is no room in a relationship for that kind of name calling or disrespect. I honestly would not let my husband treat me and especially our daughter like that. It starts small with pillows and name calling but he sounds completely abusive and who knows how far it could go? i wouldn't want you to have to find that out the hard way. You sound like you've been trying so hard and that is so good but relationships involve 2 willing people and it sounds like he just isn't capable of trying be it for the reasons of his childhood or laziness or whatever it is? I feel for you I really do. I can't imagine having to go through that with a child and pregnant. I was in a relationship like this a long time ago and it ended in extreme violence because I kept trying and stayed despite my head telling me that it was time to leave. Good luck hun I wish nothing but the best for you!!!!!!

 

[Ew68j5]

I'm sorry to hear you have had to experience this and I know how difficult it must be to accept that you might not be able to fix things. I agree with the others, verbal / physical and emotional abuse are never acceptable, especially towards your daughter - it was a pillow this time but who knows what next. I think you have to ask him to leave, it might be just the wake up call he needs to change and if not you will at least be free to move on with your life and enjoy your children in a loving home without fear. Good luck. xx

 

[Pielette]

My God, you have put up with so much already. I really do admire how hard you've tried because so many people give up too early. But I think you know yourself now that there's nothing more you can do.
You simply have two choices; put up with him for what he is (because as the previous posters have said, he's unlikely to change) or get out. And I think for both your sake and the sake of your children, you must get out. You deserve so much better as a woman, and your children really shouldn't be seeing this kind of thing. If it continues, your children will grow up thinking that that is normality and how men treat women. It will affect their future relationships and self-esteem.
All of you deserve to live in a happy, calm environment. He doesn't deserve any more of your patience. Please think of your health!

 

[booboomagoo]

Run. Like. Hell.

He's unwilling to change and doesn't see a problem. There is a huge problem there. He is emotionally abusive, and it is progressing to physical abuse. Protect yourself and your babies. Kick him out.

 

[MrsGM]

Run. Like. Hell.

He's unwilling to change and doesn't see a problem. There is a huge problem there. He is emotionally abusive, and it is progressing to physical abuse. Protect yourself and your babies. Kick him out.

this is how I feel about your situation too

please leave him, it's not going to improve and life is too short and the damage takes years to repair (trust me I know and that's just me, no kids involved)

 

[Sini]

You seem like a sensible and kind person. From the post I gathered that you have and still try to sort things out as much as possible, where as many would have just left at the first sign of trouble. Its hard to work at a relationship if you dont have both partners interested and involved. There is only so much you can do by yourself if the other person isnt willing to try and resolve things. I do agree with the other ladies that any abuse - verbal, mental or physical shouldnt be tolerated, especially when there is kids involved. When I was young I witnessed my parents arguing and my dad being verbally, mentally and physically abusive to my mom. Thats something I will never forget and Ill never put my kids through that, Id rather be a single mom.

End of the day, its "easy" for everyone to say pack up and leave but you obviously still care for this person and hope for the best. My advice would be to think of your daughter and yourself and where you want to be in a few years time and how you want your kids to think of their childhood. xx

 

[keeks1987]

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