relationship issues

[xx-andy-xx]

K so this is more of a rant than anything, but i would like some advice, as well.

So. The father of my baby-to-be (and my ex-boyfriend) is the complete opposite of alot of guys... He didnt take off when i told him i was pregnant, in fact, he now wants to get back together and be a "family". Good thing? Yeah, you'd think.
Not so much.

I dunno if this is considered abuse or not, but when we were dating (and now still...jerk) he tells me what i can and cannot do, who i can hang out with, and that things i enjoy doing are "completely stupid" and "useless". He recently started threatening one of the guys i hang out with (just a friend at the moment), saying "If you go anywhere near him, i'll beat the sh!t out of him!" Yeah, thats a GREAT way to win me back.
Everyone completely ignores the fact that he's controlling, and uses threats, and just keeps telling me how lucky i am that he wants to be involved, and that i should let him be with my child.

I dont want my baby growing up thinking that "daddy tells mommy what to do, so i can do it too!" and end up having my child turn into their father.... or having the child think that they can threaten people with no consequences.

Am i being completely unfair by not wanting to get back together with him, or by taking away his custody rights?
I mean, i do need help with this, but... i just dont want HIM as a role model for my baby!

 

[Little_C]

To be honest I don't think you're wrong for not wanting to get back with him at all. That's your choice to make and if he treats you like that then you're right it's not fair of him at all and he shouldn't be treating you that way! You won't be taking away his custody rights just because you don't want to be in a relationship with him, you need to think of them as separate things, just because you don't want to see him doesn't mean your child can't.

Good luck

 

[xx-andy-xx]

the thing is, i dont know if i trust him around my child. If he threatens me, what will stop him from threatening our child?

 

[indianorchi]

Exactly. I think it's wise not to get back with him. There are so many single mums out there and mums whose partner isn't the father of their child and they do just fine. Ok it's not ideal but being with someone who's controlling and threatening is far worse for you and the baby.
I'm being the biggest hypocrite giving you this advice admittedly...

 

[mz_jackie86]

Hey i think ur well within ur rights to think what u do...
Its not right for a kid to be brought up thinkin abuse and controlling someone is right because its not...
Make sure u stick to ur grounds because he will try break u down i am sure of it.....
Your doing the right thing by u and ur child and that is the most important thing xx

 

[Pyrrhic]

He sounds incredibly immature, and insecure. People who are insecure often display their emotions through control and anger.

tbh, unless you love him why bother getting back together with him? Your baby will be better off having two single, happy parents than a couple who are miserable.

 

[tasha41]

Honestly your new top priorities in life are protecting your child and yourself. I don't think people would be pressing you to be with him, etc. if you were an older woman and a man was treating you that way, so why should it be any different now? Tons of mums are doing it on their own, you can too Good luck!

 

[LilMama2be]

Just focus on the baby for now :] and see what happens.

 

[jellytub]

I agree, just focus on looking after yourself and little one atm and let him see that you can be independant, you can do what you want, and you can look after yourself
If he keeps on persisting, then maybe he does really want a part in babys life.
Also, he might not realise what he is like - like you said about it affecting your own child, it could be a result of his own childhood? You could talk to him bluntly and honestly about it and how it makes you feel, and see if he can try and stop being like that.

If he ever gets abusive in a physical way though, you know he isnt worth it dont you hun? Here for you if you need talks good luck with your bubba! x

 

[xx-andy-xx]

is physical abuse the only harmful kind of abuse then??

The way he acts around me... honestly, i dont want him abusing our child either. Maybe its "just" verbal abuse, but it can mess up your mind just as much as physical abuse.

i know he DOES want a part in my baby's life, but... i dont really want him involved. I dont trust him, and I've got a very supportive almost-boyfriend at the moment, who is willing to take over the 'Daddy' role.

I've definitely talked to him 'bluntly'... he just denies everything.

 

[xJG30]

If your worried about how your ex will be with the baby, maybe let him have supervised visits with it.. that way he's still a part of the baby's life.

 

[ladyjayne]

Im sorry to be the only one here but do you not think its wrong that just because of the way he acts with you, you can take away his right to see his child. Just because there is a more suitable prosective partner now doesnt mean that you can stop your childs father from seing there kid. Like GemLou said you can think about supervised visits or loads of other ways so that he is still involved, but without being able to abuse what is both of your child.
What your thinking of doing is illegal, and I know there are many women that do it and get away with but its not right and thats why there are loads of ways through the use of the courts that will allow him to have access even custody if he was willing to fight for it.
He was good enough for you when you wanted to get pregnant, and now that you are you need to be adult about it and discuss other options, rather than, your not seeing MY child. The baby that grows inside you, is both of yours.
And before anyone says anything no I dont think the abuse is right. If its mentally or physically hurting you then you are doing the right thing by leaving him, but as he does want to be a part of your childs life then its worth giving him a try, if you use supervised visits then they'll be able to report to you what is going on and help you decide whether visits are suitable. If not then you need to go through the courts with their support and remove his parental responsibilty.
But like I said give him a chance.

 

[moshpitmakeou]

It's completely within your rights. He does not seem to be very fit as a father if he's going to treat you how you do not deserve. He doesn't seem very together with himself if he's going to be so controlling, & if he can't control himself, how can he take care of you & baby.

As much as I would love for my ex-boyfriend, father of my baby, to come back to me, and know the situation; i think in your case you can make best judgement whats best for you and baby

Best of luck! Don't let anyone take you for granted EVER!
Just because he's willing to be involved, doesn't mean its the best thing Just think of baby

 

[xx-andy-xx]

Im sorry to be the only one here but do you not think its wrong that just because of the way he acts with you, you can take away his right to see his child. Just because there is a more suitable prosective partner now doesnt mean that you can stop your childs father from seing there kid. Like GemLou said you can think about supervised visits or loads of other ways so that he is still involved, but without being able to abuse what is both of your child.
What your thinking of doing is illegal, and I know there are many women that do it and get away with but its not right and thats why there are loads of ways through the use of the courts that will allow him to have access even custody if he was willing to fight for it.
He was good enough for you when you wanted to get pregnant, and now that you are you need to be adult about it and discuss other options, rather than, your not seeing MY child. The baby that grows inside you, is both of yours.
And before anyone says anything no I dont think the abuse is right. If its mentally or physically hurting you then you are doing the right thing by leaving him, but as he does want to be a part of your childs life then its worth giving him a try, if you use supervised visits then they'll be able to report to you what is going on and help you decide whether visits are suitable. If not then you need to go through the courts with their support and remove his parental responsibilty.
But like I said give him a chance.

The time i got pregnant was not consentual sex. Yeah, he was 'good enough' to pretty much rape me. That DEFINITELY entitles him to see his child.

Sorry if that sounds rude, i'm just sick of people saying that i'm overreacting and that its "his baby too" and all that bullsh!t

 

[ladyjayne]

Well if you dont want someones opinion then dont post on an open forum. If you want someones opinion on a full story then give it originally. Dont throw out stuff like he "pretty much" raped you because you didnt like my response! Its clear that some others (although maybe not on here) having been saying similar things to me. I just dont feel that it is right that two people can make a child and one can decide who gets to be the parent.