L
LilMiss_91
Guest
I went for my 12wk scan today. It's meant to be an exciting, happy experience. But my heart was hammering as I laid down on the bed and the sonographer placed the ultrasound wand on my belly. I'd felt something was wrong since day one. I was not nearly as excited to find I was pregnant as I would have expected, and then there was the lack of symptoms. And just a "gut instinct". It felt wrong. I didn't feel pregnant at all. I almost expected to be told it was a phantom pregnancy or something. I can't even put it into words, I just knew.
As soon as the picture popped up on the screen I knew. It was tiny, no distinct body parts exactly, not what you would expect from a 12wk old baby. The sonographer told me there definitely wasn't a 12wk baby in there and that she could see a fetal pole but wasn't sure whether there was a heartbeat. So we had to do an internal ultrasound in case I was just wrong with my dates which I knew I wasn't (not possibly by that much anyway). A senior came in to give a 2nd opinion and they both agreed that there was no heartbeat. Baby looked like they had stopped growing at about 7wks.
We then had to wait an hour for someone to come and tell us our options. We were advised to go home and think about it and call them back but I already knew what I wanted to do so we went down to the approproate ward and asked to be able to make an appointment. We then had to wait nearly another 3hrs just to sign a consent form and have blood taken. That was the worst part, the waiting. Sitting in horribly bare rooms, left with nothing to think about but this horrible situation. Anyway. I finally signed the consent to have medical management. I'll have to go into hoapital for 24-48hrs from Monday evening. Throughout the whole time I was in the hospital after the initial ultrasound I kept getting the urge to beg them to re-scan me, to just checl once more, maybe they got it wrong? But I knew in my heart I just had to accept it.
In one way I want to hold onto this baby for as long as I can. I guess in some vain attempt to keep the pregnancy going. And in another way I want this ordeal to be over so I can begin to move on and heal, physically and emotionally. I'm angry with my body for losing this baby, I'm angry that it didn't realise that it had failed. But in another way I'm proud of my body, and proud of the desperate fight it's obviously putting up to try and keep this pregnancy alive.
I feel very conflicted. I'm upset but not shocked, because I knew already. I'm heartbroken that I've lost this baby but I feel so so blessed to have one happy, healthy, perfect baby boy and with him, the knowledge that my body CAN carry a healthy baby to term and for that I am very lucky.
I will deal with this, and I will move on. But my beautiful angel will forever be in my heart if not in my arms. And god that hurts to think about.
As soon as the picture popped up on the screen I knew. It was tiny, no distinct body parts exactly, not what you would expect from a 12wk old baby. The sonographer told me there definitely wasn't a 12wk baby in there and that she could see a fetal pole but wasn't sure whether there was a heartbeat. So we had to do an internal ultrasound in case I was just wrong with my dates which I knew I wasn't (not possibly by that much anyway). A senior came in to give a 2nd opinion and they both agreed that there was no heartbeat. Baby looked like they had stopped growing at about 7wks.
We then had to wait an hour for someone to come and tell us our options. We were advised to go home and think about it and call them back but I already knew what I wanted to do so we went down to the approproate ward and asked to be able to make an appointment. We then had to wait nearly another 3hrs just to sign a consent form and have blood taken. That was the worst part, the waiting. Sitting in horribly bare rooms, left with nothing to think about but this horrible situation. Anyway. I finally signed the consent to have medical management. I'll have to go into hoapital for 24-48hrs from Monday evening. Throughout the whole time I was in the hospital after the initial ultrasound I kept getting the urge to beg them to re-scan me, to just checl once more, maybe they got it wrong? But I knew in my heart I just had to accept it.
In one way I want to hold onto this baby for as long as I can. I guess in some vain attempt to keep the pregnancy going. And in another way I want this ordeal to be over so I can begin to move on and heal, physically and emotionally. I'm angry with my body for losing this baby, I'm angry that it didn't realise that it had failed. But in another way I'm proud of my body, and proud of the desperate fight it's obviously putting up to try and keep this pregnancy alive.
I feel very conflicted. I'm upset but not shocked, because I knew already. I'm heartbroken that I've lost this baby but I feel so so blessed to have one happy, healthy, perfect baby boy and with him, the knowledge that my body CAN carry a healthy baby to term and for that I am very lucky.
I will deal with this, and I will move on. But my beautiful angel will forever be in my heart if not in my arms. And god that hurts to think about.
