Saying goodbye to my first

[Pixburgh29]

I wish I knew where to start. I guess the very beginning is as good as any. I was diagnosed last year with PCOS, no big surprise as it runs in my family. I sought out the diagnosis because my boyfriend and I haven't been TTC but weren't preventing anything either, for 3 years at that point. I was afraid to try for fear that it'd never happen for us. I couldn't be that upset if I wasn't trying right? That proved to be wrong regardless. To my surprise we got our first positive pregnancy test on 5/24 and another on 5/25. I went for a blood confirmation on 5/26. Once that was confirmed we were so excited but still guarded. We had read too much about the risks during early pregnancy. My hcg levels were at 3300 that test, low for the week I should have been but with PCOS, nothing is ever an exact science. I repeated the hcg on 5/28 and they were 4429, not the number we were hoping for but my doctor wasn't concerned in the least. Our first official pregnancy appointment was on 6/1 were they did a pap smear and a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I then found out I have a bicornuate uterus (heart shaped). We saw a sac that measured 5 weeks 3 days, appropriate for our hcg levels and grew even more optimistic as we scheduled a second ultrasound 2 weeks down the road to see our baby. Later that day I started spotting, I was assured it was normal due to the pap and a pregnant cervix being more sensitive and filled with blood but naturally I worried. 2 days after my pap, still spotting light pink. The next day though, pink turned to red but was still a small amount. A call to the doctor landed us back for more blood work to retest hcg, this time the levels were at 5172, still slow going but doctor again was unconcerned. I never stopped spotting and this weekend it grew heavier and then the pain began. I already knew what was happening from the research i'd done. With a heavy heart I reached back out to my doctor and I was ordered another blood test today to see what the levels were doing. I already know this baby is lost though. I'm struggling with all sorts of emotions, wanting to try again asap - actually try this time, not wanting to ever experience this again, being upset at the thought that this baby will be forgotten as we didnt tell anyone, being mad at myself and my body for not working properly, and of course the overwhelming grief.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

Oh hun I'm so sorry about your loss but as someone who has been through this myself I know exactly how you feel. I had two previous losses. One was a natural mc that was conceived on birth control. It wasn't planned but when I found out about it I took it as a gift that was meant to be. Then the bleeding started and the bad cramps. I lost the sac the first day it started but I continued bleeding with clots for about a week.

My second mc was actually a mmc because I had no idea that the baby didn't have a heartbeat until the first ultrasound. My body obviously wanted to be pregnant and didn't want to let go so the doctor gave me the option to wait it out and mc naturally, give me medication to kick start the mc process or a d&c. I opted for the d&c only because of my traumatic experience the first time and I didn't want to "see" it. I cried my eyes out on the way home from the hospital. It was more upsetting this time especially because this one was planned. I never felt such heart ache.

I will be sending you good thoughts and much luck for the future if you do decide to try again. I'm so sorry you had to go through this.