Second baby guilt?

[Confused85]

Hi everyone,


I am 19 weeks pregnant with my second child which will hopefully be our rainbow baby after a miscarriage and ectopic. Although I’m very happy I also feel extremely sad for my first born who is turning 4 in September. My son is showing signs of the pending arrival of a baby brother or sister affecting him already. My son said to me one morning, when I’m a big brother I won’t be perfect anymore and I won’t be able to play games..... it broke my heart. My son also said I’m worried about mummy’s tummy when baby comes. It’s made me worry about the risk to my health during birth. It’s got me thinking of so many things I didn’t have while trying for a baby and at the beginning of this pregnancy.


My son has such a happy and sweet nature. Always smiling and very affectionate. He loves being with people and love stalking away. He’s such a delight. And I was desperate to give him a sibling, a friend for life. But now I feel so guilty that I’m going to change his life forever and possible his sweet little nature. I don’t want him to feel second best or be jealous of the baby. I feel so sad already for being useless with the baby bump in tow and having to take it really easy during my pregnancy due to previous loss. That when I will be able to be normal again I will have a baby and have to divide my time. I feel so guilty my son won’t have my 100% attention like he normally does.


Is this guilt normal? Is it normal to feel so sad with your second pregnancy but also happy?

 

[missielibra]

I felt the same thing. My two are 19 months apart. And there were times during my pregnancy where I was like, what have I done? He's barely had us to himself and here we are, taking his alone time away *already*. My DS1 is such a happy, sweet boy, like he is just instantly loved by everyone, even at daycares, ALL the workers know him even if he isn't in their group, like, he's just the happy, laughing dancing boy. So I had the same concerns. Obviously, he was too little to say some of the things yours have been saying, but sometimes he seemed quite unsure about my belly. In March at 30 weeks, I was put on bed rest because my cervix was 1.5cm (supposed to be 3.5cm) and I was 4cm and 100% effaced really quickly. So, I couldn't play with him, and with the pandemic, he was stuck home... the guilt was piling up.

And then DS2 arrived. And wow - my son just *adores* his brother. (Sometimes, he struggles with sharing, so I had been worried) but nope. He brings him his toys, he tries to share his food, he puts a blanket on him when he cries, he pats his tummy - everything. I still feel guilty sometimes when I'm tired, or he wants me and I'm breastfeeding etc, but - to see how much he loves his little brother, and how it seems like he can't wait to play with him... it has eased it up so much for me.

My son is *super* non verbal communicative, but a *little behind* on words (which is normal according to his doc because we speak 3 languages at home). And yet, it didn't even take him 2 days that he was saying "Baby brother" and "Rafa". I have sat with that kid for hours going like BOOK. BO-OK. And nothing... but this, he just WANTED to say it.

So I think the guilt is normal, but don't be too hard on yourself mama. I think for them too, its hard to understand no matter the age, and yes it will change their lives but you ARE giving them a friend, someone they will love (and probably love to hate sometimes, ahha) forever.

 

[Scout]

I can't say bc I had only one child, but I wanted to comment that my daughter, who is 7, has begged me for a sibling for a couple years now. (she was a surprise, a wonderful surprise, when I was 46 so I physically can't have any more children) I feel so sad that she doesn't have a sibling to do life with. My guess is that you're feelings are normal, but after birth you'll realize what a gift you've given your little boy.

 

[autumnal]

I won't sugar coat anything for you, my son was 2 years and 7 months when my second was born and we had really the worst case scenario, he seemed really angry with me and he was uninterested in helping with the baby like fetching diapers like some people suggest. I thought I had ruined his life and I felt so horrible. He was not happy. I tried to do stuff alone with him and leave the baby with my dh and it didn't even help. But over time he got happy again and started to really enjoy being a brother. Now she is 15 months and he loves her so much. They play together all day. He asks sometimes for another sibling. He says all the time how much he loves her and he loves babies. I would do it over again in a heartbeat! You are giving your first child an amazing gift even if it doesn't seem like it yet.

 

[Confused85]

I felt the same thing. My two are 19 months apart. And there were times during my pregnancy where I was like, what have I done? He's barely had us to himself and here we are, taking his alone time away *already*. My DS1 is such a happy, sweet boy, like he is just instantly loved by everyone, even at daycares, ALL the workers know him even if he isn't in their group, like, he's just the happy, laughing dancing boy. So I had the same concerns. Obviously, he was too little to say some of the things yours have been saying, but sometimes he seemed quite unsure about my belly. In March at 30 weeks, I was put on bed rest because my cervix was 1.5cm (supposed to be 3.5cm) and I was 4cm and 100% effaced really quickly. So, I couldn't play with him, and with the pandemic, he was stuck home... the guilt was piling up.

And then DS2 arrived. And wow - my son just *adores* his brother. (Sometimes, he struggles with sharing, so I had been worried) but nope. He brings him his toys, he tries to share his food, he puts a blanket on him when he cries, he pats his tummy - everything. I still feel guilty sometimes when I'm tired, or he wants me and I'm breastfeeding etc, but - to see how much he loves his little brother, and how it seems like he can't wait to play with him... it has eased it up so much for me.

My son is *super* non verbal communicative, but a *little behind* on words (which is normal according to his doc because we speak 3 languages at home). And yet, it didn't even take him 2 days that he was saying "Baby brother" and "Rafa". I have sat with that kid for hours going like BOOK. BO-OK. And nothing... but this, he just WANTED to say it.

So I think the guilt is normal, but don't be too hard on yourself mama. I think for them too, its hard to understand no matter the age, and yes it will change their lives but you ARE giving them a friend, someone they will love (and probably love to hate sometimes, ahha) forever.

Thank you so much Missielibra! That’s made me feel a whole lot better. Our son’s sound quite similar, so I hope he will take to his younger sibling just as yours did. My son is very sociable and includes everyone around him. He loves company. So I naturally wanted to give him a sibling. I’ve always thought my Son would love an older sibling, but hey it didn’t work that way. I also wanted the age gap a bit smaller but I guess it’s nice we’ve had 4 years together without having to split my time between two children.

I also have the worry of my cervix as my son was early and they don’t know why, along with having lletz treatment on my cervix they put me at high risk of premature labour possible due to incompetent cervix. Another reason why I’m taking it easy. I feel useless.

But trying to keep positive and looking forward to a family of four. Xxx

 

[Confused85]

I can't say bc I had only one child, but I wanted to comment that my daughter, who is 7, has begged me for a sibling for a couple years now. (she was a surprise, a wonderful surprise, when I was 46 so I physically can't have any more children) I feel so sad that she doesn't have a sibling to do life with. My guess is that you're feelings are normal, but after birth you'll realize what a gift you've given your little boy.

Thank you scout, that’s made me feel better, I had all the best intentions with trying for a second I didn’t think I’d feel so sad and almost like what am I doing.... I’m hoping my Son will adjust and all will work out. Xx

 

[Confused85]

I won't sugar coat anything for you, my son was 2 years and 7 months when my second was born and we had really the worst case scenario, he seemed really angry with me and he was uninterested in helping with the baby like fetching diapers like some people suggest. I thought I had ruined his life and I felt so horrible. He was not happy. I tried to do stuff alone with him and leave the baby with my dh and it didn't even help. But over time he got happy again and started to really enjoy being a brother. Now she is 15 months and he loves her so much. They play together all day. He asks sometimes for another sibling. He says all the time how much he loves her and he loves babies. I would do it over again in a heartbeat! You are giving your first child an amazing gift even if it doesn't seem like it yet.

Thank you Autumnal for your honesty! I’m hoping I have that happy ending to, I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I didn’t think I’d feel so sad and guilty through my pregnancy, I’m sure my hormones don’t help. My son has been the centre of my world, me and my partner adore him, and so does his grand parents. We obviously will still love him just as much with a second around I just don’t want him feeling left out. Which I know is inevitable. My son is so sociable and lobes having people around him, he gets quite attached. So I’m hoping he will include his sibling and treat them just as he does everyone else in his family. I’m hoping he adjusts and comes out thriving because of it x

 

[autumnal]

I think he definitely will adjust!! Hopefully he takes it in strides and it's an easy thing for him. I think it's like anything else where some kids adjust easily and some kids just take longer.. like potty training or getting out of the crib .. but eventually they all learn.