Sexdrive hasn't come back-help!

[Velathria]

TMI warning:
I
been 2 years since the birth of my son and I have been waiting for my libido to sort itself out but it just hasn't... My dh thinks I am not attracted to him even though I am. I love him more then anything but I just can't get there. He is frustrated and so am I. Sometimes we do have sex but only because I feel like a horrible wife and I just do it for him but he knows that so he isn't into it either... Before the pregnancy we had a very amazing intimate relationship... No problems there what so ever but now I just think I'd rather sleep then do it... I don't really feel attractive because I haven't been able to shed the weight especially after a emergency C-section and having ab separation... Everytime my dh tries to touch my nipples I just want to push him away and it irritates me , same though at night when the little one wakes up and nurses... I am getting more and more irritated with anyone getting to close to my nipple area. I've also been wanting to wean but baby is always sick and Its hard to do it then... Ugh it's all so frustrating.... And I feel like me and dh are drifting apart through that.. it's like he blames me... That I dont love him anymore... Anyone else have experienced this or could help?

TIA

 

[noon_child]

Sounds like you are pretty "touched out" at the moment - something referred to by many mothers experiencing Nursing Aversion Breastfeeding / Nursing Aversion and Agitation (BAA) • KellyMom.com but I think it could also be triggered by any attempts at physical intimacy.

I certainly remember times when I felt that I had no more to give; that just I couldn't fulfil one more need of somebody else I just had to keep a piece back for me - I was defined by my role and what I could provide for someone else but there was no time to work out who I was outside of these roles or what I needed for myself that would allow me to know myself and love this new person I had become. This definitely led to me rejecting my husband because it didn't feel like this was about sharing pleasure with me (because who was I, I'd started to cease to exist) but about meeting his need for intimacy. This didn't come from him, he WAS interested in my pleasure, he DID want to show me love and caring but I wasn't able to receive it as I was in survival mode.

It did get better over time as I gained more independence from my child and had time to get to know the new me (NOT get back to the old me, that person is gone). What also helped was admitting to and talking about those moments when I felt my needs had been ignored, when I felt I couldn't trust my husband to put me first and when I resented him. Some of the healing was me admitting I should have asked for help, and said how I felt rather than waiting for a mind reader, other parts were about pulling my husband up on some things and asking him to be accountable for when he had messed up.

 

[Joannaxoxo]

I remember that 'touched out' feeling well. I didn't even want the cat to sit on my lap when I was finally alone. After having a baby breast feeding and sleeping on me all day, I didn't even want hugs from other family members (kids, husband, pets). I also went on the pill after my daughter was born and that didn't help my natural sex drive either. I eventually went off the pill and it helped to give me those natural urges back. But really it must have been 2-3 years where I didn't want sex either.

One way that helped my drive return is reading love stories. You don't have to read super 'dirty' books but rather ones that have love and some sex scenes involved. Stories like that helped me to get those feelings back. Just a suggestion. I would also make it clear to your husband that your nipples are a no-touch zone until you feel they are less sensitive (I felt like that for awhile too).

Good luck, just remember your sex drive does return but it can take awhile.

 

[blueblue]

Could it be the hormones from breastfeeding? I've read that it's quite common, plus with feeling touched out too. The lack of sleep if little one is up in the night and the general exhaustion of raising small children doesn't help either!