Should grandparents have a say in parenting if they watch LO when parents work?

[omfgski]

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[Jaylynne]

Nope. My child, my rules. If they would overstep the boundaries (providing the boundaries are reasonable and best options for LO) then I would overstep their offer and get babysitting elsewhere.

 

[deafgal]

well, if they want a badly misbehaved child due to conflict of interest and rules, then so be it. otherwise, I think the parents have the finally say because those babies came out of their sperm and vagina (unless adopted)

The only exceptional is if they are being abused or harmed.

 

[Sarahkka]

I thought the article was lovely and a great perspective from the grandparents' side of things.
I really don't have to deal with this as we live quite far from both of our families and grandparent visits are just one big treat.
I actually quite liked the very first quote in the comments section that I read - about a mum to be sitting down with her MIL and having a frank and respectful discussion about the situation ahead of time. I think communication is key. They both had "non-negotiables" that they put on the table and agreed upon and had some room for interpretation in between. This seems like a pretty wise approach, I think.

 

[tina3747]

I would step in if anything was detrimental to his well being (ie outdated info ect) but in regards to what they do with him while he's in thier care I'm not particularly bothered. If he's happy then I'm happy.

The only things I've ever really had to mention were the drinks they were giving him, flavoured water which they assumed would be a good thing but in actual fact it contained aspartame. She used to give him water whilst being FF, another outdated thing. No big issues at all, I'm just very grateful for the small amount of sporadic child care i need so we've no need to use nurseries.

 

[Sarahkka]

I would step in if anything was detrimental to his well being (ie outdated info ect) but in regards to what they do with him while he's in thier care I'm not particularly bothered. If he's happy then I'm happy.

The only things I've ever really had to mention were the drinks they were giving him, flavoured water which they assumed would be a good thing but in actual fact it contained aspartame. She used to give him water whilst being FF, another outdated thing. No big issues at all, I'm just very grateful for the small amount of sporadic child care i need so we've no need to use nurseries.

This is a big part of it for me. I would be SO incredibly grateful for this that I think I would be pretty careful about criticizing. I would be very diplomatic about how I discussed it, at the very least.
Again, though, I am not in a position where I have to struggle with this in any capacity. I can imagine that regular childcare situations with any relative could have tricky points. I have experienced this with a dayhome worker - after a while, some small things did start to really bug me - so I can imagine that it could get even more complicated with a relative.

 

[fantastica]

I think it depends...with my parents i'm pretty confident with most things they would do, okay there may be some things I disagree with...but nothing huge so it's not a big deal. However, if we had major disagreements then I would definitely have to lay some ground rules etc. I think the basics should be up to the parents... discipline etc. And things like food should really be the parents choice...but only up to a point..if someone is looking after your child there has to be some room for compromise. My mum has often helped out with Jacob, and we did BLW however she wasn't comfortable, so when he was with her she would do TW...it really annoyed me at first and I saw it as her going against my wishes, but looking back she shouldn't have been put in a position where she felt nervous feeding him.

I think it just depends on the parents/grandparents/needs of the child. Communication should be key, and unless it's detrimental to the child then the wishes of the parents should be the stuck to as much as possible.

 

[Mummy Bean]

My mum will be looking after Lo when i go back to work, but she was nanny/nursery nurse her whole life so i completly trust her methods/techniques. i think this helped massivly as she knows all the latest guidelines where as the MIL is still working on advice given 20 yrs ago.

I also have to say she has been amazing so far, i can see her watching me with LO and that she tries her best to follow my parenting. I am so greatful to have her help as saving us so much money, and i know my LO will be given brilliant one on one attention and care.

but if she did want to do something different to how i would normally then as long as she tells me...coz to be honest my LO will end up spending more time with her then me whilst im at work so she may know Lo habits better then I do esp as he gets older.

 

[staralfur]

My mom watches my LO a lot and I don't tell her what to do. I assume she wouldn't be doing anything with her that I would be opposed to. I'm not terribly nitpicky or overprotective about much, though.

I've put my foot down with my MIL once and hope to not have to do it again...because I really don't want to have a bunch of rules. But she was pushing baby rice since the day my LO was born and it was completely out of the question.

Things like that, that I feel really strongly about, I would not just let go because they were providing the childcare. I'd seek alternatives if they felt it was their right to overturn my decisions on that stuff.

But when it comes down to small stuff, like if my mom would rather use disposables instead of cloth diapers, or if she's more comfortable puréeing food for her instead of BLW, then I don't care. I'm happy to compromise on those things.

 

[Katy Bug]

Doesn't matter. I know grandparents like to spoil, and that's fine. Maybe slip them some candy from time to time, let them watch more of a TV show than they're used to, buy them something just because. But when it comes to foods you do or don't want them to eat, if you don't want them having caffeine or juice drinks or spankings or anything like that..they [shouldn't] have a say so. Being a grandparent isn't a right, it's a privilege. If I believe strongly in something I need to stick with it for my LO's sake, mo matter how ridiculous it may seem to my parents or in laws.

 

[tasha41]

My mom watches Elyse quite a bit I've always expressed my opinions/ideas/wishes around everything related to Elyse, explained why, and really have never been questioned by my mother on anything. I KNOW she sometimes strays from my rules slightly BUT at the end of the day, if I didn't trust her completely, she wouldn't be watching my daughter, so I don't think I have ever really said anything to her.. my sister yeah, for reacting to tantrums, but that's all

She's a reasonable, smart lady so if she has any input I welcome it & listen as well. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't, I'd say it's about 50/50 but she doesn't push with me, a couple of times I have tried to come up with a decent compromise though.

As others said I am just so, so grateful for what she does for me, work would be a lot harder otherwise!

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I have never said anything to my mum because I trust her x

 

[Tiff]

My MIL watched Claire for pretty much 2 years. There were some hairy aspects, where she felt she knew better because in her eyes, she spent "more" time with Claire. Which wasn't the case.

There were a few times where she overstepped and we told her as such. Mainly due to her bringing our daughter to a pool party after we had expressed our wishes that Claire not go. She's very busy and is drawn to water like a magnet, we weren't comfortable with it. MIL brought her anyways, didn't tell us (knowing we'd be upset) and I had to find out from a friend who knew we didn't want Claire there that she was regardless.

She's not watching Claire as much now, her choice. She's got health issues plus is quite a bit older and Claire is high maintenance and quite rough. I'm relieved though, because now she can go back to just being Claire's grandmother rather than caregiver. I felt that I had to back off on things because she WAS doing us a favour by watching her.

 

[Irish Eyes]

There are some things I'm adament about but I think Grandparents need to be given a bit more flexibility. What works for you might not really work for them. For instance bedtimes, I don't mind how my Mum gets him to sleep as long as he's not left to cry at all. She will be staying at ours one night over Christmas so me and hubby can both have a drink and although we don't have LO in our bed with us, I'm happy for her to do it if needed.

I don't trust MIL to look after him yet as she's very Judgemental with how we're raising him. She's annoyed that he wasn't weaned at 4 months, feels that babies should STTN by 6 weeks so should be left to cry & has openly said I'm ruining his digestive system by not giving him baby rice which lines the stomach for food?!!

If I felt that I had to leave a manual to the person looking after him then it's probably a good sign that they shouldn't be watching him in the first place.

 

[deafgal]

I agree there should be room for compromises and flexibility , but if you feel strongly about something and as long it doesn't harm the child, then you should have the final say. But if it something they can't always follow, either find another sitter or allow some room for flexibility or find another solution.

 

[rwhite]

I think the grandparents should absolutely respect and practice the parenting methods that the child is being raised with. Thankfully both my parents and OH's are very respectful of the way we choose to bring him up, not that it's complicated, but they don't really deviate from what we would do, and have consulted us on anything that has arisen.

 

[lhancock90]

Its a difficult one. I would hope that LO's grandparents don't do things they know i would disagree with (i am quite vocal) and i accept every so often they will be a bit naughty and treat her, however, she is still MY baby, if they are taking on the child like a nursery would then i would expect them to do as i wished, just as a nursery would.

 

[Eternal]

Depends, they need to understand and follow your parenting ethics, but then if your ate expecting them to watch and actually spend more time with the child than you then I think they would have a say. Just depends on the issues I suppose.

 

[fannyadams]

If I didn't think my mum and mil would more or less follow my 'guidelines' with lo they wouldn't be watching her.
But that said, apart from things that are a huge deal to me (smacking, CIO etc) I just let them get on with it.
I know my grandparents spoilt me and I loved it. I had so much love for them and I'm happy for my lo to have that relationship with hers, even if that means they break my rules sometimes with things like junk food, watching too much tv etc.