Should we try for baby or not

[0400772]

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[coccyx]

Got to be honest you do sound a little jealous and put out by the attention and time he gives her Sure it can't be easy but she is his daughter and has responsibilities.
Have you tried talking to him?
Would not rush into babies as money sounds tight and hate to say that you may be keen to have babies now so he has to avert his attention from his daughter.
Bringing a baby into situation will not help.
Hope you can work through it

 

[Pyrrhic]

His daughter will always come before you. That is something you will just have to accept. Having your own children will not change his feelings for his daughter, and will not mean that he will suddenly spend less time with her and more with you.

When you decide to TTC, you should have no doubts at all about the decision, or your relationship. It sounds as if you want children for the wrong reasons.

 

[XxkayleighxX]

hey hun, i agree wiv coocy u seem a little jealous but i fink i wud b if my oh turned out 2 have a baby cuz i want 2 share hes 1st baby wiv him

i dont fink u sud rush in 2 having a baby as i fink u will b only having 1 to get hes attention and because ur a little jealous do wot coccy sed try talkin 2 him, atleast u get 2 do fings 2gether wen shes down, it isnt all about goin out tho have a takeawy n dvd thats cheap

hope u feel better soon hun xx

 

[hopefulfor09]

My parents split when I was two and I was an every other weekend daughter with my dad. It sounds like your OH sees his daughter even less. I am going to be honest...because I have been in this situation. My dad did spoil me when I was with him - I think because of his guilt. You don't have children yet so you couldn't possibly understand the guilt a parent can feel when they can't be there for their child. That's probably why he showers her with love, attention, gifts when he's with her. You're goingn to have to accept it honey. It's hard I know but he comes as a package deal and kudos to him for putting his child first. You would do the same.

Imagine if you had a baby with someone and had to separate - and your now "ex" spent all his money on his new wife/girlfriend before he provided for his child. He'd be a right deadbeat!

If you are thinking about having a baby because you want to get closer to him - I think you should wait. His daughter is going to be in his life forever - you having a child with him won't change that. Embrace his relationship with his daughter and know you've got a good man who will take care of his responsibilities if and when you have a baby - but for the right reasons.

Good luck and I hope you sort through this...Hugs

 

[Mum2bewaiting]

I have 6 step kids, ranging from 32 down to 9 years old. I am 28. I have been with DH for 7 years now, and he has always known that I want kids and wanted to get married. It has taken until now for us to be settled enough to actively plan, an accident before this however would have been a blessing and much loved and adored. I realised very early on with the 9 yr old that I would never have the same bond with her that my DH has, and although it tore me to bits, I quickly realised that I wouldn't want it that way as she is not mine and loves her mum very much. DSD was 18 months old when I first met her, which I think has helped me build a very stong relationship with her, to the point where sometimes when doing things like brushing her hair she will accidently call me 'mum', which, although she does correct herself, tells me that she respects and loves me, although in a very different way to her true parents. We only see her at weekends and don't have a particularly good relationship with her mother. Through the years I have been honest with my DH about how I feel, and we talk about the situation (horrid way of putting it, but it is I guess)very openly. Yes, I do sacrifice what I want to do, and yes I feel extremely jealous when weekends off are to accomodate DSD rather than my self, but I do have DH through the week, and we always try and do something just us once a month, and we are living to our overdraft every month, so money is not an excuse.

To have a baby, u both need to want it, not just to make u feel better or less jealous, cos that won't work.

I hope things straighten out and this helps, message me if u need

 

[0400772]

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[coccyx]

I think you miss the point that she is his priority not you, and i agree with that. If you do support him, with regard to treating her then thats great and i hope he appreciates it. But that is your choice. And yes he should have sent the mother a mothers day card before any treats with you.
Maybe he's not the right one to settle down and have children with.
Why do you feel so jealous of the time he has with her,you say he doesn't see her that often anyway

 

[Mum2bewaiting]

because even if she has got her, he will still feel guilty regardless of who went where. If this is how u are within ur relationship don't plan a baby just yet, it sounds as if u have both got a lot of sorting out 2 do first

 

[Pyrrhic]

she is coming down this weekend. But that doesnt mean we cant do something together the following week. but now he says he cant get time off. He will gladly take time off to be with his daughter but i cant even get an afternoon together. how exactly is that fair.

Because she is his daughter, and she comes first. Not you. I think you need to realise that.

He presumably sees you everyday, so taking a weekend off to see his daughter when he doesn't see her that often is hardly asking a lot. He probably doesn't want to take too much time off work, so the time he does take off he needs to prioritise, and his priority is his daughter.

He probably doesn't feel as though he is excluding you, as he sees you everyday and does lots of little things with you. I think if he's only seeing his daughter every so often, then you should respect their alone time together, not complain that you're being excluded.

 

[hopefulfor09]

I just want to point one thing out, I support him paying for his daughter etc which he does what im saying is if he doesnt have the money to do something as a couple how does he have the money to do it for her? her mum moved to the other, so its her who should feel guilty he didnt have any say. its not a jealousy thing cuz he gives her attention, its cuz he doesnt understand how much it upsets me to see him with her and be excluded.

he doesnt see her very often but special days like my 21st birthday should be a one off. I never ask him for anything and i spoil both him and his daughter. Just every now and again i would like him to do something for me, like he does for his daughter.

she is coming down this weekend. But that doesnt mean we cant do something together the following week. but now he says he cant get time off. He will gladly take time off to be with his daughter but i cant even get an afternoon together. how exactly is that fair.

I have talked to him and he just blanks it or passes it off.

He doesn't have the money to do things as a couple because she comes first...which is as it should be. He probably passes you off when you try to talk to him because that's not really a reasonable or fair thing to say. You have been in his life for 1.5 years - and you're talking about leaving him because he puts his daughter first. she has been in his life for 5 and will be forever. I would suggest being a little more understanding and respective of his relationship with his daughter and planning things for the three of you to do - so you feel more included.

As rafwife says - you have him everyday...how often does she see him? It doesn't sound like very often. You say you don't mind him supporting her etc. but you were upset because she got this and that and you got a 4.99 teddybear. If it was a child you shared would you mind? Most parents I know go without gifts for eachother (extravagant ones anyway) to give more to thier kids. If you have a baby with him are you prepared to get even less than now? Cause then his time/money etc. will be split three ways instead of two. Soemthing to think about.

Hope you get it sorted, and make the right decision.

 

[Cinnamon]

I think saving up for the "one treat together a month day" someone commented before is a good idea... Also I work long and odd hours but I make sure to have at least one evening a week quality time with DH, which turns out to be friday evenings we have a homecooked meal, then watch a movie on the computer and have popcorn. This is our "cheapy cheapy" way of going to the cinema and being together, popcorn is cheap and the movies are free!!
If I get an afternoon off we go for a walk down town and weekends are usually spent on family... His little sister has just turned 12 but when he left the house, to live closer to me, she was just 6 and as he helped raise her he feels guilty about leaving... We go to their house sundays and stay till after lunch... I know it doesn't seem much but sundays is my only day off and half of my day off is a lot to me... I guess you'll say why don't I stay at home, but I'm the only one with a driving licence and buses to his mum's are mad and far off... I also recommend to step out of their quality time together, not always as activities like bowling are more fun with more people, but maybe meet a friend or family while they're at the park or down town... This will also avoid you feeling left out as you're the one who will have made your own plans...
I definately think it's important that you speak to him and tell him how you feel, as to agree on the time that will be yours only, and also give him his space as his daughter is and always will be his priority and you should be proud of that and respect that as when you have your own kid you will feel just the same...
I hope you see a light at the end of the tunnel love, xxxx.

 

[Cinnamon]

PS: I really don't think it's the right time to be bringing a baby into the picture as you really should sort yourself out with your OH first and compromise on little things... Also what "hopefulfor09" said is true, his attention and money will be split in 3. Are you ready for that and having even less time with him then as it is?? Patience and comunication is the key. xxx

 

[mikababy]

(I wrote a reply to your comment on your OH and debt situation (in Lozzy21's thread)).

Having read this I don't think that you are at the right stage to be considering a LO with your OH. Unless you can reconcile yourself to the way things are with his daughter then it could make for a very long uncomfortable ride for you.

 

[booflebump]

Honey - I think you need to have a grown up perspective on things. Of course he is going to spend money on her, and make a sacrifice so she can have nice things - because she is his daughter - you arent. When you have kids - you too will have to make sacrifices to make sure they get the nice things they want and the experiences that build a childhood - and if you arent mature enough to realise that sometimes it has to be this way when there is a child involved, you should maybe wait a while before having kids x

 

[MoonMuffin]

I just want to point one thing out, I support him paying for his daughter etc which he does what im saying is if he doesnt have the money to do something as a couple how does he have the money to do it for her? her mum moved to the other, so its her who should feel guilty he didnt have any say. its not a jealousy thing cuz he gives her attention, its cuz he doesnt understand how much it upsets me to see him with her and be excluded.

he doesnt see her very often but special days like my 21st birthday should be a one off. I never ask him for anything and i spoil both him and his daughter. Just every now and again i would like him to do something for me, like he does for his daughter.

she is coming down this weekend. But that doesnt mean we cant do something together the following week. but now he says he cant get time off. He will gladly take time off to be with his daughter but i cant even get an afternoon together. how exactly is that fair.

I have talked to him and he just blanks it or passes it off.

Well I agree that if your paying for everything, then maybe he can compromise to having her over at home instead of taking her out all the time. Maybe just one meal out, and a less expensive pressy.

As for not taking time off to be with you, maybe he's not lying. I beg my hubby to take an extra day off sometimes (like ask for it off in a couple weeks) but he can't because we need the money. He gets his schedule in advance so he needs to give his work at least 2 weeks notice if he wants a certain day off.

Ultimately it is his daughter and it must be hard for him not to get her see her so often, so he wants to treat her special. If it was your daughter you would want the same for her.

 

[0400772]

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[Cinnamon]

Well darling, I don't think whoever said that you don't matter didn't mean it in that way, I'm sure it was just organizing priorities in somehow. I still think you have to talk to OH about your quality time together and also see that it's got nothing to do with his daughter as you shouldnt have to compare to her about attention. Deffinately you can do things without spending, the two of you together and with her when she comes along, but if he doesn't give you any attention or time at all that's something to talk about and think about.
I think you have made big sacrifices but you shouldn't do it to get a thank you, although he should say so, or prove it, but he will have to put a bit more into your relationship and you must make him see it. Otherwise you won't be able to hold on much longer onto crumbs of attention. I think he doesn't realize you want your own time or just doesn't want to realize, that's for you to find out and fix. Good luck hun,xxx

 

[Mum2bewaiting]

ok i dont think people are really understanding wehre i am coming from.

my partner sees his daughter occasionally and during that time we spend as much time together as a family unit and do things as we can.

what my problem is that when she goes home (back to her mums), thats it, we as a couple go out the window. I work long days every day and we never get any time together, yet im expected to take time off when his daughter comes home.
All i ask is one day a week we spend together. just us. if daughter is with us then yeah she would be included but every other time it should just be us.

I mentioned the teddy at my birthday becuase a) i spend so much money on him b) he said he didnt have money when he clearly did and c) he is actualy due me money.

We arent married and dont live together.

what i was meaning by the teddy was that my birthday was supposed to be us time (we had just gone through bad patch with his other ex) yet we did more in the two days we spend with his daughter than we did in the whole month of my birthday. for my birthday his mum cooked my tea and gave a cake. he did mnothing. im from a poor household and i dont agree that money is the bare all and be all of everything but a little attention wouldnt go a miss.


i am not talking about leaving him becuase of his daughter. i accept her and have done right from the start. I drove (volunteered) in the first two weeks i had known him, for 4 and a half hours so he could see her on her 4th birthday. but i never got a thnaks or anything.

Does no one understand where i am coming from. if this was my child things would be different becuase there would be a routine and iwouldnt be working as much. is some time and affection too much to ask.

and to whoever said i have been in his life for 1.5 year and dont matter. that hurt. cuz no one really knows the truth about where his daughter came from and to be honest no one knows for sure if it is his (althoughthere are similiarities). he pays child support as well as addition income. but all im asking is two days of the year i get spoiled like your supposed to do at the start of relatinships. doesnt haveto be money. could be a nice hot bath togethr etc.

I'm sorry hun, but, 1, so do we, often completely opposite to each other, but there is a compromose that u both need to work at....

2, U have already mentioned in other posts about money being a struggle, we certainly don't spend masses on each other, I know it is slightly different from what u have said, but if money is a problem then (if it were me) I would accept the teddy as the thought it was...

I think the title of this thread is what has put peoples backs up maybe? It certainly doesn't appear to be a situation in which a planned baby should be bought into....

I really hope things work out

 

[Amygdala]

what i was meaning by the teddy was that my birthday was supposed to be us time (we had just gone through bad patch with his other ex) yet we did more in the two days we spend with his daughter than we did in the whole month of my birthday. for my birthday his mum cooked my tea and gave a cake. he did mnothing. im from a poor household and i dont agree that money is the bare all and be all of everything but a little attention wouldnt go a miss.

i am not talking about leaving him becuase of his daughter. i accept her and have done right from the start. I drove (volunteered) in the first two weeks i had known him, for 4 and a half hours so he could see her on her 4th birthday. but i never got a thnaks or anything.

Does no one understand where i am coming from. if this was my child things would be different becuase there would be a routine and iwouldnt be working as much. is some time and affection too much to ask.

and to whoever said i have been in his life for 1.5 year and dont matter. that hurt. cuz no one really knows the truth about where his daughter came from and to be honest no one knows for sure if it is his (althoughthere are similiarities). he pays child support as well as addition income. but all im asking is two days of the year i get spoiled like your supposed to do at the start of relatinships. doesnt haveto be money. could be a nice hot bath togethr etc.

I think I know where you're coming from. And I don't think his daughter is the issue at all, is she? All you're saying is that he clearly can be thoughtful and do things for others, because he does things for her. But he doesn't give you the attention you need and deserve. I'm sorry to say this but you sound very unhappy in your relationship and if I was in your place I'd seriously think about whether I really want to be with this man. Not because of his daughter but because this early in the relationship he should be treating you like a princess (as you're clearly doing a lot of things for him as well) and he isn't.

I think people here couldn't understand why you're "jealous" of his daughter and that's why they missed the point that you don't feel loved in your relationship. You'd probably feel the same even if his daughter wasn't in his life though.

If you think that I might be right with any of that, please please please sit down and have a good think about what you want from life and a partnership. You deserve to be spoiled and treated like you're the best thing since sliced bread and I'm sure there's a man out there who'd be more than happy to do so.

Best of luck whatever you decide!