sister announced she's pregnant after my miscarriage

[lilliez]

Hello all,

I found this website and I thought it might be interesting for me to post of what is going on with me due to people not understanding what I have gone through. Now I have no idea of how to act towards this but here's the story.
I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 natural at 6 wks 4days and 1 D&C at 6 wks 3 days (due to me having complications with my own body thinking it I was still pregnant). After the D&C I relapsed back to the hospital due to severe cramping and heavy bleeding. Well it turned out to be an infection from the D&C procedure which made me bleed for almost 2mos. I barely stopped bleeding this month as a matter of fact. Now, I have planned my parents anniversary dinner. I invited my sister, who is older than me, and her boyfriend.

It turns out she decided to tell me that they are expecting, she got pregnant after I had my miscarriage. I miscarried on 06/21/2012 and now it is 08/19/2012 and I still have not gotten over the fact that I have had another miscarriage.

I cried and ran straight to the restroom when she told me, I am happy for her but I cannot help to be jealous and think I could've had that baby bump by now, I am sad, embarrassed for her telling me in PUBLIC and me acting like that at my parents anniversary dinner. I have mixed emotions and all I want is my space, my husband is being supportive but he will never know the physical pain I have gone through, we were just about to try again in a few months but I feel like I'm going to fail again and have another miscarriage, and my sister continuing to be pregnant hurts me so much! I am happy for her but I feel sorry for myself, I just want to run away and hide.

 

[fletch_W]

you arent alone honey. i miscarried in march and still feel like that now. iv only seen my pregnant best friend once, she decided to tell me just after i told her i mcd the day before (we were due to go away for the weekend together) and i havent wanted to see her since cos the thought of her having a bump and and me being only 3 weeks behind her made me so jealous. i cannot even look at babies without thinking that should have been me soon. but dont get me wrong i am over the moon for her. i just canot bring myself to see her cos those happy thoughts are overcome with jealousy. but i have explained all this to her and she completely understand. maybe talk to your sister? ask her if when you see eachother you could talk about something other than her being pregnant?

please dont not ttc because you feel you will fail. because if you get pregnant again it will put stress on your growing baby. have you heard of baby asprin? next time you fall pregnant ask the doctor to do tests for progesterone and blood clotting. because early miscarriages are normall caused by blood clotting and low progesterone.

im always here if you ever want to vent. its always nice to chat with someone who has been through the same thing. we have a thread called 'lucky thread' if you search it. there are a few ladies who have had a few mcs, ectopics and chemicals. some are pregnant again and 20+ weeks and some like me who have been trying for 4-5months + or another. so please feel more than welcome to come and join us. dont go through it alone xxxxxxx

 

[lilliez]

Thank you so much! I did try to speak to her but I guess she just told me at the wrong place and wrong time... since my parents were there are the dinner they are trying to make me go to their house so I can see my sister and "be happy" ...hmm..that's not going to work right now, I just need my space for the moment in order for me to just let it all out and speak to my sister again. I just feel soo bad...but I think she should also understand of when she just told me "i'm having a baby" in public is like POURING alcohol on a cut that has just started to become a scar...it really really hurts... i just don't know what to do anymore, she is calling me to go over to my parents and i just feel like having my own space. my parents are pressuring me...and my husband cannot do anything but just be there for me when I fall on my knees and pray to God that everything will be okay for us... thank you soooo much!!!!

I like chatting with women who have gone through the same thing, no one will understands us unless they've walked in our shoes.

 

[fletch_W]

you need to tell your parents and your sister in a stern but loving way that you need your space. that you will visit when you are strong enough. the last thing they should be doing is pressuring you. my mum and hubby once said 'its in the past now lets move on and get on with our lives' i almost bit their heads off. it isnt easy to just 'move on' a life has been lost whether their feet touched earth or not. you had a bond with those babies that will never be broken even now they are no longer inside us. a loss is a loss and you need time to grieve. im still grieving. dont ever feel guilty for it either. i have found that a good cry every now and then is healthy and certainly helps from imploding.

come and join the thread. youll find yourself at home in no time

 

[FeLynn]

I have had 3 loss (1st Sept 2011 d&e, 2nd Jan 2012, 3rd June 2012 d&e at 14 weeks fetal demise at 13.2 weeks had a repeat d&e a week and a half afterwards and also had 2 units of blood bled for a little over 5 weeks)

I have kids so when I announced I was pregnant I got all kind of replies. I had a friend tell me I was basically stupid b/c most women miscarry early in pregnancy and I should wait until I was further. I told her I have never had any issues I have always told people when I took a hpt or when I had my 1st dr which was always early. I did hide my 1st pregnancy b/c I wasn't sure how to break it to my parents b/c I was still in school. anyway my friend has always been jealous of me. I had a new friend tell me she was pregnant, so I was due 4/2012 and she was due 3/2012. I then found out my sister was due 5/2012 so it was exciting. I had a sad ending and had to have a d&e at 11 weeks in Sept 2011. My body still thought it was pregnant. I was devastated, never thought it would happen to me. I knew miscarriages happen so I got myself to believe it was just my turn since I have had kids this was my turn to suffer a loss.

I then was waiting on my period it never came. I found out I was pregnant and miscarrying I had a natural miscarriage Jan 2012. at this point my good friend was still pregnant and doing well for being high risk. My sister was doing well she was also high risk so both their pregnancies were going good & I couldn't be happier for them. My good friend has had 3 losses and has had a hard time ttc so she understood me better then my family and friends. So I wanted nothing more then for both of them to have healthy babies. My friend who I mentioned about who had some not so nice comments to make. She was angry when my sister announced she was expecting. well my "friend" then told me she was expecting as well. this was a week after my 2nd loss that she told me this news. I couldn't be happy for her. She constantly reminded me of things I was trying to forget as if I wasn't reminding myself. She kept telling me I should be made at my sister b/c she is having her baby soon and I have had 2 losses and I was just trying to deal with the cards I was dealt but I think her trying to get me to be mad at my sister in return got me to be angry with her.

well I got pregnant in march 2012, I told my hubby a week after I found out. I told everyone else after I heard the heart beat. My good friend gave birth to her lovely baby boy. My sister had just given birth to my handsome nephew I went in for my scan and my world fell apart.

I can tell you I was so mad to keep being told the same shit. " you have had kids, its more then likely not going to happen again" , "you heard a heartbeat, your okay stop worrying for nothing", "you made it to 10 weeks, you are almost it the clear the chances have dropped so much", "your at the end of your 1st trimester, you can stop worrying", "your young" blah blah blah but yet for unknown reasons my babys heart stopped at 13.2 weeks(yes my dr considers the end of the 12th week the end of the 1st tri) I was so heart broken to see my baby on that screen but no heart beat no reasons or answers as to why. I have had testing done on my baby and nothing was wrong with her. I know the chances go down as you get further I also know that doesnt mean you are in the clear shit still happens. My "friend" is due to give birth soon. I would have had a 4th month old(1st loss) or I would have been in my 25th week this week with my 3rd loss which would have been my baby girl. I cant help but count it down. I do not need to be reminding which is what my "friend" keeps constantly doing. She doesnt understand how hard this is and why I feel the way I do.

You are not alone!

 

[WynterAngel]

Lilliez, my gosh I am so sorry you have to go through this. I have a younger sister and she has a 1 year old, in the time my nephew has become one I have had two pregnancy losses and I have no children at all. I have often wondered through out this year how I would react if my sister told me that she was pregnant again. I try to tell myself I wouldn't be upset and I would be happy for her but I know I would react the same way you did. I also know my parents would react the same way your parents have reacted and ask me to be happy for my sister.

Deep down, I know you are happy for her, she is your sister, you love her, but you have been through so much, how else could you possibly react? Don't be too hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can in the situation. I'd be the same as you, I would want my space and my time to try and accept the situation before facing it again.

My heart goes out to you. It is a hard situation to deal with and you are doing the best you can to face it. Hopefully it doesn't have to come down to a 'family chat' but that is the only thing that I can suggest if the invitations persist and they don't get the hint that you need some time out.

All the best and take care,
WynterAngel

 

[dextersmum]

it is such a hard thing to deal with when you have had losses and other people around you are getting pregnant. I had 2 mc's then I had my precious baby boy Dexter in Jan 2012 who was born permaturely at 28 weeks gestation and he sadly passed away at 54 days old. My husband already has 3 girls and his middle girl who is 18 told us she was pregnant about a month after us losing Dexter. It felt like I had been stabbed through the heart and I am still quite angry about it to be honest (angry and jealous) I then got pregnant myself at the end of may so I had something else to focus on and was so happy and could just about deal with seeing my step daughter and her growing bump. But then I had a 3rd mc in July and I am determined that I will do what ever I need to do to get through this time and I haven't seen her since. I do not stop my husband from seeing her and I am not nasty to her its just that her timing couldn't be worse. So I completely understand what you are going through xx

 

[Smiler82]

Lilliez if you need space, then just take it. I'm sorry your sister chose a totally inappropriate time to tell you, and that your family are pressuring you to spend time with everyone and "be happy". No one understands unless they have been through it. I've lost 2 babies, 6 months apart. My 2nd loss was in the Jan, and my sister fell pg in the March. My sis was actually really sweet about it - she made sure I was the first to know so that I didn't hear it from anyone else first. She even held off telling our parents and her inlaws until she could speak to me. I was happy for her, but it felt so unfair she fell pg with #1 after NTNP, and with #2 she fell on their first try, and she sailed through both pregnancies. I avoided her for most of her pregnancy, and then her baby was born a couple of weeks before the 1st anniversary of our 2nd loss, so I didn't see her baby til he was about a month old.

It's easier for me to say this because my sister was quite understanding about it, but if you don't want to be around her then don't. You have to protect yourself and not put yourself in any situation that's going to make you feel bad. I don't know what you've said to your family so far, but maybe if you could find a way to have a quiet chat with your mum and tell her how low you are feeling and that you're not up to playing happy families right now. Perhaps in time, but you need space and understanding.

xx

 

[MumToEva]

Hey Hun. I understand how you feel. I miscarried at 11 weeks, and only 2 people at my work knew, one of who I travel with to and from work. She then had to tell me she was pregnant about 3 or 4 weeks later. I smiled as best I could, congratulated her and then went to the toilet for a cry. I was pleased for her, but so jealous it was no longer me. I really appreciated that she told me one on one rather than at the same time as everyone else, as I didn't want everyone at work to know, and my reaction would have been pretty obvious.

I think it was a thoughtless place for your sister to tell you she was pregnant, but try not to be too hard on her. I think people who haven't experienced a loss don't know the pain that it causes. Just be honest with her about how much you are struggling and if that means not seeing her for a while, so be it. Maybe you could talk on the phone so you don't have to see her if you could face that? Or agree with her not to talk about her pregnancy unless you bring it up?

It's hard hun, but you will get there!

 

[Topanga053]

I'm sorry, it's so tough. I couldn't even imagine going through it with a sister.

One of my best friends was 1 week behind me. We were both trying at the same time and were THRILLED when we learned that our babies would be due within the same week. We had talked about doing a joint maternity shoot, etc.

Well, we all know what happened with mine. She JUST posted her second ultrasound picture on Facebook that all three of her babies (that's right, she's having triplets) are healthy and their hearts are beating.

I'm happy for her, but unexpectedly seeing the ultrasound photo of her healthy triplets felt like a knife through the heart. I just wanted ONE and my single baby died, but she has THREE babies, as healthy as can be.

I try to focus on how lucky she is and how happy I am for her, but it certainly hurts. A lot.

 

[Smiler82]

Wow, triplets. Was she on meds? My friend was TTCing on clomid and fell pregnant with twins the same month we lost our second baby. I was happy for her, also scared because multiples are higher risk. But it was really hard, just thinking why can't I manage to carry one baby successfully and she has got two in there doing great.

I ended up hiding her posts on facebook - even now when her twins are a year old. Our baby should have turned one 2 weeks before the twins so it's hard to see her post about all their milestones that we should be having with our child now. Maybe you could hide her? Then you get to choose when to look at her posts and photos and prepare yourself for the fact there'll be scan pics up. I really did not want to see all her congratulations messages etc when she gave birth, that was a hard time.

 

[elohcin]

I completely understand. I am so so sorry. It is incredibly hard. I have had many many miscarriages, but my most recent two were the most difficult in this regard, because my SIL called (right after I went through labor wth my miscarriage) to announce her pregnancy, and then a while later to announce she was having a girl. And everything about her pregnancy and then when she had the baby was all a reminder of where I would have been (as she was due a month after me, and then 2 months before my other edd). Of course she is one who has never had to struggle with anything about pregnancy, so she has NO idea.

 

[lilliez]

so I finally talked to my mother about this and she understands... now I have not talked to my sister because there has not been ONE DAY that goes by that I do not shed at least one tear. Therefore, I'm still giving myself some time and space in order to cope with this the right way...or at least I think it is the right way...

 

[Smiler82]

That's good you talked to your mum I think it's totally the right thing for you to keep some distance still with your sister if it is upsetting. You need to protect yourself and get yourself through this however is best for you, it's not selfish or greedy or anything. It's important you look out for yourself right now x

 

[wookie130]

I'm sorry your sister had to break it to you this way. It was really quite insensitive of her, and I'd do my best to let her know how inappropriate and tactless that was.

The jealousy is absolutely human, and normal. This was supposed to be happening to YOU. I've had 2 losses in the past year, and am pregnant now, and I'm still in therapy to deal with pregnancy around me, and I also attend a support group for people who've experienced baby loss. If you surround yourself with people who've had similar experiences, you come to find out just how normal these feelings actually are for someone in your position.

 

[MumToEva]

Hey Hun. Just wanted to say, while I fully sympathise about your sister's pregnancy (see my earlier post ), just be careful you don't do irreparable damage to yours and her relationship over the head of it. I just mean that sometimes if you let bad feeling go on for too long it can be hard to go back, if that makes sense? Might it be better to talk to her about it some time soon, get things out in the open? And maybe talking about it might also start helpingyou to heal?

 

[beewee]

I actually think your sister has been quite unsympathetic in telling you so soon. Some people just don't understand but will see you as being selfish. Sit down with your mum and explain your feelings, which she can pass on to your sister. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling.

 

[lilliez]

I called my sister and all she told me was it was not her babys fault, it was not my fault, no one is at fault for what happened to me but she is very upset on how I have been acting towards her. However, I did explain my feelings but it seems to me that she has only acted as if 2 miscarriages is something I can just deal with on my own and not affect her life; such as: being mad at the baby (which I am not!) is just me...i am still grieving and my mom finally understands how i feel but my sister .... she is very upset at me. I made a huge mistake by calling her.

 

[elohcin]

I called my sister and all she told me was it was not her babys fault, it was not my fault, no one is at fault for what happened to me but she is very upset on how I have been acting towards her. However, I did explain my feelings but it seems to me that she has only acted as if 2 miscarriages is something I can just deal with on my own and not affect her life; such as: being mad at the baby (which I am not!) is just me...i am still grieving and my mom finally understands how i feel but my sister .... she is very upset at me. I made a huge mistake by calling her.

This sounds very much like what I just went through last month. I am so sorry. Those who haven't ever experienced loss will never understand.

 

[wookie130]

That's so true. If you've never experienced it, you really have no clue the toll it takes...

One of the hardest parts of miscarriage is dealing with OTHER people, and their inability to deal with MISCARRIAGE appropriately. People don't seem to want to recognize that miscarriage signifies the loss of an actual child...it's treated more like a flukey accident of nature, or a misfire or something. But to the woman who just lost the baby...that was HER BABY. That baby will never have a gender, will never get to be held, will never have a birthday. People cannot deal with these issues, and miscarriage ends up being treated like a taboo subject, or something that women are expected to just "get over." Well, we don't "get over" it.

And your sister's response to your attempted discussion was 100% WRONG AGAIN. You've just been through a painful loss. To put it in perspective, if her husband just died, and you announced at her husband's funeral that you were marrying the love of your life in a few weeks, how the hell would SHE feel? It's the same thing. I don't care if the situation WAS someone's fault, announcing her pregnancy in the wake of your loss is just really insensitive...she may as well have rubbed your nose in it, seriously. The fact that she can't see this from your perspective means that she probably can't see the forest for the trees.