"So, is this your first baby?" *Vent*

[MamaTex]

I hate hate being asked that question, over and over!!! I hate having to explain to nurses or health care providers I am seeing that I was pregnant before but it ended in a miscarriage. Even when I calmly say "No, this is number 2" without an explanation, they check the notes and say something to the effect of "Oh, I see you miscarried."

ARGHHHHH!!! Sorry for the rant. My other vent is being pricked non stop for blood!! I thought after the miscarriage that I would stop being pricked but I decided to go in to my doctor for preventive care and have continued to get stuck!!



Now that I am pregnant again, the pricking has picked up. Haha. I feel like I am going to have health care vampires after my blood forever!!

 

[AmbiguousHope]

I understand how you feel. Also when people ask me if I have any children, I never know what to say. I don't want to dismiss my babies that died by saying "no" but if you say "yes" or "none with us" then I'm sure they will want further explanation and I don't feel like explaining it to every random stranger because then they usually say something unintentionally cruel or dismissive.

Hang in there! You're not alone!

 

[Nevaie]

I know the feeling though in my case it's my 7th pregnancy and will hopefully be my second child. Luckily every doctor or nurse I've seen thus far in the office, hospital, on the phone ect. has always, always asked which number PREGNANCY this is. Once I've answered they then ask how many live births/how many still living. My problem has been with family, friends and strangers. Most family and friends know a little about my history - maybe not all the details or exact number of losses but they know I've had other pregnancies. Yet they still ask things like how my second pregnancy compares to the first, am I glad to finally be having a second child ect. I don't think anyone means to be hurtful, they just don't know how to deal with the miscarriages so they just avoid the topic.

Strangers can be even more difficult to deal with. I usually don't bring it up or talk about it at all. But when you're buying prenatal pills, looking at maternity/baby items, walking into the Drs office or sitting in the waiting room before a prenatal appointment they tend to just figure it out. And I've had alot of appointments due to complications and previous losses. It's also amazing how quick and how often someone will jump to inquire about the contents of a total stranger's womb. The conversations generally goes along the lines of 'So are you pregnant?' 'How far along?' 'Is it your first?' If I'm lucky it end there when I answer I already have 1 son. More than once though it's gotten awkward when they start talking about and assuming it's my second pregnancy. It doesn't feel right to say it's my second when it's not. I usually try to evade replying directly but it doesn't always work. If I say something like it'll hopefully be my second child then people still sometimes push. I hate having to explain that it's my 7th pregnancy but will hopefully be my 2nd live child. People don't get it. Just the other day I had a woman tell me 'Same thing. It's ok to say it's your second because it doesn't count if they don't make it.' With a smile! I think she meant it in some sort of well meaning way but it was a very, very hurtful comment. Sadly this sort of thing is just a part of pregnancy. Good luck to you

 

[MamaTex]

I know the feeling though in my case it's my 7th pregnancy and will hopefully be my second child. Luckily every doctor or nurse I've seen thus far in the office, hospital, on the phone ect. has always, always asked which number PREGNANCY this is. Once I've answered they then ask how many live births/how many still living. My problem has been with family, friends and strangers. Most family and friends know a little about my history - maybe not all the details or exact number of losses but they know I've had other pregnancies. Yet they still ask things like how my second pregnancy compares to the first, am I glad to finally be having a second child ect. I don't think anyone means to be hurtful, they just don't know how to deal with the miscarriages so they just avoid the topic.

Strangers can be even more difficult to deal with. I usually don't bring it up or talk about it at all. But when you're buying prenatal pills, looking at maternity/baby items, walking into the Drs office or sitting in the waiting room before a prenatal appointment they tend to just figure it out. And I've had alot of appointments due to complications and previous losses. It's also amazing how quick and how often someone will jump to inquire about the contents of a total stranger's womb. The conversations generally goes along the lines of 'So are you pregnant?' 'How far along?' 'Is it your first?' If I'm lucky it end there when I answer I already have 1 son. More than once though it's gotten awkward when they start talking about and assuming it's my second pregnancy. It doesn't feel right to say it's my second when it's not. I usually try to evade replying directly but it doesn't always work. If I say something like it'll hopefully be my second child then people still sometimes push. I hate having to explain that it's my 7th pregnancy but will hopefully be my 2nd live child. People don't get it. Just the other day I had a woman tell me 'Same thing. It's ok to say it's your second because it doesn't count if they don't make it.' With a smile! I think she meant it in some sort of well meaning way but it was a very, very hurtful comment. Sadly this sort of thing is just a part of pregnancy. Good luck to you

Thank you. Good luck to you too!!!

 

[amjon]

My first made it to 27 weeks, so we did get to see her (even though she had already passed). When they ask if it's my first I tell them my first that gets to come home. If they ask I will tell them about my daughter. If they're uncomfortable I don't feel bad because they are the ones that asked.

 

[Kellen]

I find this awkward too. We lost our first at 6 weeks in February. Even though we never got to see that baby on the ultrasound or find out gender he or she still lives in my heart today. I tend to tell people that this will be my first birth. Thankfully the OB office that we attend was the one who was on-call for the miscarriage in February.

 

[Leffy]

Oh hon it never gets any better, this is our 8th pregnancy and the other night when i called EPAU i said its my 8th pregnancy just as our only dd cried out and the nurse said i can hear them you must be busy i explained but i felt awful- how is that MY FAULT?

just explain or dont as you see fit and remember that we will get our babies xxxx

 

[stellababy]

this is my 4th pregnancy but will be my second baby. i just dont tell strangers about the other pregnancies because i dont want to get into it. its a very emotional topic for me as i lost my last one at 23 weeks.

i cant believe how blessed i am with my amazing daughter and staying positive about this pregnancy. while i will never forget what happened to me i find it easier to say that this is my second baby and not have people make a sad face and feel sorry for me.

i feel that my feelings and grief is very private between me and my closest family and i dont want to share it with strangers.

 

[EchoMyke]

My first made it to 27 weeks, so we did get to see her (even though she had already passed). When they ask if it's my first I tell them my first that gets to come home. If they ask I will tell them about my daughter. If they're uncomfortable I don't feel bad because they are the ones that asked.

I feel exactly the same, at 30 weeks today I'm constantly getting asked about my pregnancy by customers at work and for me it's better to just be an open book. I tell them all about my baby born sleeping at 39 weeks. What he weighed, how big his feet were, and how he had a head full of dark curls. If they don't like it maybe they'll think twice about prying into someones personal details. More often than not though they usually wish me best of luck and whisper a little prayer for me and this child on their way out the door. I figure either way, it can't hurt. It never gets less awkward though, I never know what to say. I just blurt lol.

 

[Leffy]

My first made it to 27 weeks, so we did get to see her (even though she had already passed). When they ask if it's my first I tell them my first that gets to come home. If they ask I will tell them about my daughter. If they're uncomfortable I don't feel bad because they are the ones that asked.

I feel exactly the same, at 30 weeks today I'm constantly getting asked about my pregnancy by customers at work and for me it's better to just be an open book. I tell them all about my baby born sleeping at 39 weeks. What he weighed, how big his feet were, and how he had a head full of dark curls. If they don't like it maybe they'll think twice about prying into someones personal details. More often than not though they usually wish me best of luck and whisper a little prayer for me and this child on their way out the door. I figure either way, it can't hurt. It never gets less awkward though, I never know what to say. I just blurt lol.

its exactly this for us, we have been lucky in that our losses have been very early but at the same time people dont understand that this is just as sad, our child is still lost.

 

[EchoMyke]

There's no lucky about it. At any point loss is loss. This is my fourth pregnancy and although the last was the most difficult i was in the very least truly able to grasp a sense of him. I felt him kick and grow, and when i had him i got to take in his little features and no who he took after as far as looks went. These things were heartbreaking but with my earlier losses they were always questions of what might have been that will never be answered and for me that's just as equally hard to deal with in itself. No matter what stage, from the moment we know about them, we're bonded. They are our babies. My heart goes out to any and all who've had to say goodbye to a child they wanted. And all my best wishes to those brave enough to try again because it's that capacity to love, even after the tragedy of great sorrow that will make us all the wonderful mothers we one day hope to become.

 

[BeautifulD]

I have this all the time, even though this pregnancy alone I've been to the epu 3 times. I seem to have to go through my details over and over again!

Even with my own gp I had to explain that this is my 7th pregnancy and I have 2 living children so have had 4 mcs... I was very angered when he then asked if any of them where terminations!? Dumb ass! read my notes!!

 

[Leffy]

There's no lucky about it. At any point loss is loss. This is my fourth pregnancy and although the last was the most difficult i was in the very least truly able to grasp a sense of him. I felt him kick and grow, and when i had him i got to take in his little features and no who he took after as far as looks went. These things were heartbreaking but with my earlier losses they were always questions of what might have been that will never be answered and for me that's just as equally hard to deal with in itself. No matter what stage, from the moment we know about them, we're bonded. They are our babies. My heart goes out to any and all who've had to say goodbye to a child they wanted. And all my best wishes to those brave enough to try again because it's that capacity to love, even after the tragedy of great sorrow that will make us all the wonderful mothers we one day hope to become.

Thank you, that is honestly the most beautiful thing anyone has said to me, you are so right the questions we have about our babies are endless, did they look like Megan? were they boys or girls.

 

[lilesMom]

i usaully say its my second pregnancy but hopefully first baby, if anyone is awkward its their own fault for asking i agree with someone who said they cant deny their baby by saying yeah its my first, i would feel disloyal to my first bub.
it is awkward but the better i feel myself, i.e less sad the easier it is gettin, i think i say in such a way that it kills that conversation a bit cos i havent been asked much after i say that

 

[wannabewillow]

MamaTex! It's lovely to see you have your BFP! Congratulations. Off topic... Fancy a bump buddy :wink:. X