So upset, no one understands and I feel so horrible

I'm sitting here just balling my eyes out. Found out 3 hours ago that we're having a boy and to say I'm devastated would be an understatement. I had my heart set on a little girl even though I knew it probably wouldn't happen for me. I don't want to even really look on this website anymore. I don't want people to congratulate me, I don't want to see other people announcing they're team pink. I just feel so horrible and selfish and ungrateful. I thought DH was being supportive until I just rang him and I said I wish I could be happy and he said "yeah me too" in kind of a pissed off way. I just said I'd let him go and hung up. I feel so alone. I know I'm being so silly, I'm just absolutely devastated. I don't think I can bond with this baby. I texted a couple of close friends to tell them and I just had one write back saying at least I should be grateful I can have children (something I am aware of as my Mum had 9 MC's) and that how her friend had to terminate because of her baby having DS so I should count myself lucky. I know I am lucky and I know it's healthy and eveything's fine so I should be really grateful, but I just feel inconsolable. I don't know how I'm going to get excited. Yes I already have a girl, but she's 13 yrs old and it was a long time ago when I had her as a baby. Also I was in an abusive relationship and then left him when she was 6 months old. I feel I missed out on so much of the enjoyment because of his abuse and harrassment that didn't stop until years after I left him. This is DH and my last baby too. I really wanted one of each with him. I wouldn't change my little boy for the world, I love him so much, but I didn't want another boy. I know I took that chance when I got pregnant, I just didn't know I'd react so badly to this. What do I do? I don't want everyone to hate me and DH is already pissed off with me. I don't know what to do

 

And he just rang me back and said if I couldn't get over it we'll get it terminated and try again. I told him that was the most horrible thing to say. I would not even consider that and I honestly don't think he would. I don't know why he would say something so horrible. Just makes me feel a million times worse now. I feel like they'd all just be better off if I wasn't around. I'm such a depressive horrible person. Just hate feeling like this and bring everyone down with me.

 

Thankyou for your reply and kind words. I think you hit the nail on the head. I do feel like I've lost something. I could picture her, I knew what she was going to look like and deep down I really did have a gut feeling it was a girl, just didn't want to get my hopes up. I've just had a visit from a friend who, while she hasn't any kids herself, her best friend went through a similar thing when she found out her baby was a boy. It was really nice having her here and to be honest we ended up talking about other non-baby things so got my mind off it for a bit. Just still angry at my DH for saying that horrible thing before. I just wish people would realize too that I am happy it's a healthy baby. Thanks again though, at least I know there are some people on here that understand, xo

 

Thanks Rosie. I've calmed down a fair bit tonight. DH came home with a bunch of flowers and we've had a big talk. He doesn't understand, he's trying to though. He's pretty sorry for what he said too and so he should be. I can see positives in it, just hard. I was scrolling through Facebook before and my friend who's just had a baby girl had photos of her on there. I didn't want to look and that made me feel really bad. Might just need to take a break from things like that for a bit. Thanks for understanding though, it's nice to have people to talk to who aren't judgemental and who aren't going to tell you the things you already know. Thankyou, xo

 

Yeah I think you're right. Time can do a lot and there's nothing like the moment they are born. It's funny how we're opposites. I've been looking and dreaming of all the little girl clothes I could buy. Now I see no point as I have everything I need. Still keeping a date I made with a girlfriend for tomorrow though. I warned her I may be a bit red/puffy eyed, but we'd planned to have a shop after I found out the sex. This will be a test for me. I'm going to force myself to get at least something for the baby. Still having trouble even saying 'him'. I know how guilty you feel. I guess there's only certain people who can get it. Maybe others can too, they just don't want to admit it. Oh well, I suppose whatever we're all having was meant to be and I hope you get your little boy next time, xo

 

Thanks Elle. I hope it gets easier for you too or better still you get some surprise news at your 20 wk scan. It's probably unlikely though I know. Our sonographer at our 12 wk said it could be another boy but not to quote him. I wish he'd never said anything. I am glad I know now though. Just feel similar to you in the way that I'm not really excited and I feel I haven't bonded with this baby. It's a horrible thing to feel, because we know it's not their fault and they're the innocent ones. I suppose it's not that we're disappointed to have them, just disappointed not to have that girl. DH said at least it wasn't twins when we came out as he was trying to cheer me up, but I was still crying saying well that would've given me more chance of having a girl. Anyway feel free to PM me too. We'll just need time to get our heads around it. I do hope it starts to get better soon though for us. I really want to be excited and happy a out this, xo

 

Thanks, I am actually feeling better about it this week. Had a bit of time to get my head around it. Still find it hard to look at my friend's pics of her baby girl. Doesn't help either when you tell close friends and family the sex and you get that "oh well" response. I wish they'd sound a bit happier because it would help me.

I have though been through all my son's things (makes it easier as he's only 2 and a half yrs). I've bought a couple of little outfits too, just trying to get excited. I can see the positives more easily now. Just think it's going to take some time getting used to.

I hope you get another little girl. I know what it's like to want another even if you have one already. If not though I hope you don't feel too disappointed. We can all vent to each other, xo

 

Thanks, yeah I've been getting better about the idea, except for yesterday I had a complete meltdown. This was triggered by my daughter's friend who took it upon herself to announce the gender of my baby on my Facebook wall. And to make things worse she said, "wish it was a girl though". I was absolutely devastated. Went a bit crazy, smashed a plate, bashed the top of our expensive bin in, just completely lost the plot. People can be so insensitive and brain dead!
Anyway hope you get your girl. It's really hard for a lot of outsiders to understand I think, how much this means to us. Oh well, wishing you lots of luck. Fingers crossed! xo

 

She's 13. Old enough to know better. I hope I do bump into her and her Mum at the shops or something during the holidays. Then I'll ask her how her smoking's going!

 

It's a huge thing isn't it?! Obviously for some of us more than others, but still it's no reason to be judged. Did you end up getting your boy this time? I must admit I'm feeling a lot better about it now than I did. It's been over 3 weeks since I found out and I've just accepted it I think. Helps that LO is very active so that's nice. Only thing is the name I'm connecting to him with, my husband doesn't like. That's a real sore point at the moment. Anyway thanks for your reply and I hope you're ok too, xo