So upset, no one understands and I feel so horrible

Discussion in 'Gender Disappointment' started by Ecologirl, Jul 17, 2012.

  1. Ecologirl

    Ecologirl Well-Known Member

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    I'm sitting here just balling my eyes out. Found out 3 hours ago that we're having a boy and to say I'm devastated would be an understatement. I had my heart set on a little girl even though I knew it probably wouldn't happen for me. I don't want to even really look on this website anymore. I don't want people to congratulate me, I don't want to see other people announcing they're team pink. I just feel so horrible and selfish and ungrateful. I thought DH was being supportive until I just rang him and I said I wish I could be happy and he said "yeah me too" in kind of a pissed off way. I just said I'd let him go and hung up. I feel so alone. I know I'm being so silly, I'm just absolutely devastated. I don't think I can bond with this baby. I texted a couple of close friends to tell them and I just had one write back saying at least I should be grateful I can have children (something I am aware of as my Mum had 9 MC's) and that how her friend had to terminate because of her baby having DS so I should count myself lucky. I know I am lucky and I know it's healthy and eveything's fine so I should be really grateful, but I just feel inconsolable. I don't know how I'm going to get excited. Yes I already have a girl, but she's 13 yrs old and it was a long time ago when I had her as a baby. Also I was in an abusive relationship and then left him when she was 6 months old. I feel I missed out on so much of the enjoyment because of his abuse and harrassment that didn't stop until years after I left him. This is DH and my last baby too. I really wanted one of each with him. I wouldn't change my little boy for the world, I love him so much, but I didn't want another boy. I know I took that chance when I got pregnant, I just didn't know I'd react so badly to this. What do I do? I don't want everyone to hate me and DH is already pissed off with me. I don't know what to do :cry:
     
  2. Ecologirl

    Ecologirl Well-Known Member

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    And he just rang me back and said if I couldn't get over it we'll get it terminated and try again. I told him that was the most horrible thing to say. I would not even consider that and I honestly don't think he would. I don't know why he would say something so horrible. Just makes me feel a million times worse now. I feel like they'd all just be better off if I wasn't around. I'm such a depressive horrible person. Just hate feeling like this and bring everyone down with me.
     
  3. Adela Quested

    Adela Quested Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry :( Please, give it time, and give yourself time. What your friends don't realise is that you are actually mourning the loss of your little dream girl. It doesn't mean that you aren't, or won't be, happy to have a healthy baby, it is just that right now you are focused on what you AREN'T having. You need to grieve that loss. It doesn't make you a bad person. It can be really, really hard on people. Be gentle with yourself :hugs:
     
  4. Ecologirl

    Ecologirl Well-Known Member

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    Thankyou for your reply and kind words. I think you hit the nail on the head. I do feel like I've lost something. I could picture her, I knew what she was going to look like and deep down I really did have a gut feeling it was a girl, just didn't want to get my hopes up. I've just had a visit from a friend who, while she hasn't any kids herself, her best friend went through a similar thing when she found out her baby was a boy. It was really nice having her here and to be honest we ended up talking about other non-baby things so got my mind off it for a bit. Just still angry at my DH for saying that horrible thing before. I just wish people would realize too that I am happy it's a healthy baby. Thanks again though, at least I know there are some people on here that understand, xo :hugs:
     
  5. Rosie.no1

    Rosie.no1 Mummy of 1...

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    Hi there,

    I joined this group because I thought from your post in the 2nd tri that you were hoping got a girl.. And I didn't want to congratulate you there when you would be clearly upset..

    I'm so sorry.. You shouldn't feel bad for wanting something and then having to come to terms with not having it. It's very upsetting.. No one can really say from a scan pic.

    Your oh doesn't understand. He doesn't get why you're feeling this way, but he obviously didn't want a girl the same way you did.. You need to come to terms with this, and he needs to understand how you had this dream of a little girl and how that's sadly not the case..

    I know you can't see it now, but your boys will be wonderful friends. They'll be close and keep each other entertained, making it easier on you (or at least that's the idea!) kick around a football for hours in the garden!

    Just talk to your oh, explain to him that you need his support and you need him to try to understand but that his comments were very hurtful.

    I hope you're ok..

    Ps, sorry for typos.. Using iPhone

    x
     
  6. Ecologirl

    Ecologirl Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Rosie. I've calmed down a fair bit tonight. DH came home with a bunch of flowers and we've had a big talk. He doesn't understand, he's trying to though. He's pretty sorry for what he said too and so he should be. I can see positives in it, just hard. I was scrolling through Facebook before and my friend who's just had a baby girl had photos of her on there. I didn't want to look and that made me feel really bad. Might just need to take a break from things like that for a bit. Thanks for understanding though, it's nice to have people to talk to who aren't judgemental and who aren't going to tell you the things you already know. Thankyou, xo
     
  7. b4baby

    b4baby Mommy to DD and DS

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    I know exactly how you feel although I am the complete opposite. I have dreamt of having a little boy and now told it is a girl. Don't get me wrong, I want a girl but after the boy. I think I had my heart set on the fact baby was a boy that I never even considered having a girl. And now when people find out what we are having the look sooooo excited and TELL me how happy I must be. Don't get me wrong I am happy I am having a healthy baby but also sad that is is not the boy I always thought of. I think it is hard for people to understand our situation until they are in it.
    This happened to me a few days ago now and althought I do still fell a little sad I am trying to remind myself the good things about girls etc. Also I think one of the worst parts for me now is the guilt that I am feeling knowing that I have been calling my baby a boy for 20 weeks and then crying that it was a girl.
    i think it will just take time and we will get through it and when the baby is finally here we will not have wished for anything else!
    Bx
     
  8. Ecologirl

    Ecologirl Well-Known Member

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    Yeah I think you're right. Time can do a lot and there's nothing like the moment they are born. It's funny how we're opposites. I've been looking and dreaming of all the little girl clothes I could buy. Now I see no point as I have everything I need. Still keeping a date I made with a girlfriend for tomorrow though. I warned her I may be a bit red/puffy eyed, but we'd planned to have a shop after I found out the sex. This will be a test for me. I'm going to force myself to get at least something for the baby. Still having trouble even saying 'him'. I know how guilty you feel. I guess there's only certain people who can get it. Maybe others can too, they just don't want to admit it. Oh well, I suppose whatever we're all having was meant to be and I hope you get your little boy next time, xo
     
  9. elle1981

    elle1981 Expecting 4th and last LO

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    Hey honey... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

    I know exactly how you feel. I had my heart set on a girl, and the sonographer told me at 14wks hes sure its a boy. I am absolutely gutted! I have been the same, lurking on b&b 2nd tri, but I get so down and jealous with all the girl announcements and talk of girls. I am trying so hard to embrace my pregnancy still, but truth is I have lost my enthusiasm and cant even be bothered to look at prams clothes or nursery stuff!! I am trying to play down my depressed state about it to my oh, as he does understand but he also looks at it that its our baby made with love...and he's healthy which is the most important thing! All of which I agree with...and i have no doubt I will fall in love with him when he's here! I just dont feel the elation or excitement that I should!

    We will both come round...I'm sure of it!! But it doesnt stop us feeling the way we do at the moment. With time we'll feel better!

    If you ever want to talk you can always pm me!

    Elle xx
     
  10. Ecologirl

    Ecologirl Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Elle. I hope it gets easier for you too or better still you get some surprise news at your 20 wk scan. It's probably unlikely though I know. Our sonographer at our 12 wk said it could be another boy but not to quote him. I wish he'd never said anything. I am glad I know now though. Just feel similar to you in the way that I'm not really excited and I feel I haven't bonded with this baby. It's a horrible thing to feel, because we know it's not their fault and they're the innocent ones. I suppose it's not that we're disappointed to have them, just disappointed not to have that girl. DH said at least it wasn't twins when we came out as he was trying to cheer me up, but I was still crying saying well that would've given me more chance of having a girl. Anyway feel free to PM me too. We'll just need time to get our heads around it. I do hope it starts to get better soon though for us. I really want to be excited and happy a out this, xo
     
  11. Mummy2B21

    Mummy2B21 Mum of Two

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  12. Jeninpa

    Jeninpa Well-Known Member

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    Awww, your DH was obviously just trying to make you feel worse with that comment :( I have a 17.5yr old boy, then 2 girls 13 & 16, then an 8.5yr old boy. I want a girl soooo bad & so does everyone else. I just keep trying to convince myself all the reasons I'd love another little boy hoping that in 6wks from now when I get my 3D ultrasound that if it is a boy I won't have the tears & disappointment. After being on Depo for 7yrs I am just lucky to be having a baby but it is hard when you have your heart set on one gender or the other. I am sure these feelings will vanish the second your baby is born, until then feel free to vent here where people won't judge you!
     
  13. Ecologirl

    Ecologirl Well-Known Member

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    Thanks, I am actually feeling better about it this week. Had a bit of time to get my head around it. Still find it hard to look at my friend's pics of her baby girl. Doesn't help either when you tell close friends and family the sex and you get that "oh well" response. I wish they'd sound a bit happier because it would help me.

    I have though been through all my son's things (makes it easier as he's only 2 and a half yrs). I've bought a couple of little outfits too, just trying to get excited. I can see the positives more easily now. Just think it's going to take some time getting used to.

    I hope you get another little girl. I know what it's like to want another even if you have one already. If not though I hope you don't feel too disappointed. We can all vent to each other, xo
     
  14. whatwillbe

    whatwillbe Well-Known Member

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    I kind of understand how your feeling hun, im having my fourth baby, i have one girl who is the oldest and two boys, im really hoping for a girl too, dont get me wrong, boys are lovely! But mine are so boisterous im really wondering if i'd be able to cope with another, and i have kind of got in my head this baby's a girl too, been thinking of names , all the pink clothes ect, so if i find out this babe is a boy tbh i probly will feel a little dissapointment, of course i will love babe an be gratefull it's healthy, but same as you, im not planning on any more kids after this lo arrives, so would be so nice to have two of each, i think once the initial dissapointment has worn off a bit, you will start to feel excited again :hugs:
     
  15. Ecologirl

    Ecologirl Well-Known Member

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    Thanks, yeah I've been getting better about the idea, except for yesterday I had a complete meltdown. This was triggered by my daughter's friend who took it upon herself to announce the gender of my baby on my Facebook wall. And to make things worse she said, "wish it was a girl though". I was absolutely devastated. Went a bit crazy, smashed a plate, bashed the top of our expensive bin in, just completely lost the plot. People can be so insensitive and brain dead!
    Anyway hope you get your girl. It's really hard for a lot of outsiders to understand I think, how much this means to us. Oh well, wishing you lots of luck. Fingers crossed! xo
     
  16. Adela Quested

    Adela Quested Well-Known Member

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    That is completely unacceptable. I guess she's really young (at least I hope so?), her parents need to have a word with her.
     
  17. Ecologirl

    Ecologirl Well-Known Member

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    She's 13. Old enough to know better. I hope I do bump into her and her Mum at the shops or something during the holidays. Then I'll ask her how her smoking's going! :haha:
     
  18. b4baby

    b4baby Mommy to DD and DS

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    Well you know what they say....if you can't beat them, join them :haha:

    I find I am slowly getting better as time goes on. I am trying to find more reasons to be happy about having a girl and generally I do quite well. But like you sometimes I have meltdowns triggered off by something and then I feel like I am back to square one.
    Bx
     
  19. hello_kitty

    hello_kitty Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry that you had to go through all of this. Before I found out the gender, I had an anxiety attack. DH and I both wanted our first born to be a boy. My heart was beating super fast on the day of the ultrasound. I also really hate how people look at you when they find out you have a gender preference. Especially those who had a gender preference themselves.
     
  20. Ecologirl

    Ecologirl Well-Known Member

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    It's a huge thing isn't it?! Obviously for some of us more than others, but still it's no reason to be judged. Did you end up getting your boy this time? I must admit I'm feeling a lot better about it now than I did. It's been over 3 weeks since I found out and I've just accepted it I think. Helps that LO is very active so that's nice. Only thing is the name I'm connecting to him with, my husband doesn't like. That's a real sore point at the moment. Anyway thanks for your reply and I hope you're ok too, xo
     

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