Soldier BF may miss birth

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by Lawhra, Jan 31, 2011.

  1. Lawhra

    Lawhra NowProudMumOfTwo!!

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    OH was posted from his unit to a 2 year posting a 45 min drive from where I live which was great because it meant he would definitely be here for baby's birth. But he is miserable there and wants to go back to his old unit which would mean a 6 month tour in Afghanistan leaving in May. I am due 30th July. He is hoping, if that does happen, to take R&R a week before due date and paternity leave straight after so as to try and make sure he wouldn't miss the birth. But it is not a guarantee. And it would mean he would miss the end of the pregnancy. This is his first child and I wanted him around :cry:

    I can't ask him to stay where he is because 6 months is a long time to be miserable and I couldn't carry the guilt. I can just about deal with him just missing the last 2 months of pregnancy but to miss the birth? I would be absolutely devastated. I want him with me :cry:
     
  2. Charl

    Charl Proud mummy to Alfie

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    I feel for you hun, hopefully he won't miss it. I wouldn't want my OH to miss it either.

    xx
     
  3. Lawhra

    Lawhra NowProudMumOfTwo!!

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    Thank you. He drives me round the bend at times and I may wonder once in a while if we'll last but I think that is mostly hormones, I definitely want him at the birth. I really hope he can be. He really wants to be too.
     
  4. Blah11

    Blah11 ☼ Mummy to Amelie ☼

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    I think you're being a very nice OH if I'm being honest. If I was you I'd ask my OH to put up and stay where he was until the baby was born.
     
  5. Sevenladybugs

    Sevenladybugs Well-Known Member

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    I think he needs to tough it out so he can be there for his baby's birth. Part of becoming a dad is doing what is best for your child. Taking time off does not guarantee he's going to time it properly. Baby could be early or late and mess that up completely making it so he doesn't even get to see baby!
     
  6. Feemee

    Feemee mum and pregnant

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    I understand how ur feeling my oh is a lorry driver who currently works away mon till wed then away till Friday and off weekend but as from next week he will be changin his job to long distants and only home every other weekend that could mean two weeks without seeing him because it's long distance he could be abroad when I go into labour :( the thought is very upsetting I want him there! X
     
  7. Hoppersgirl

    Hoppersgirl Well-Known Member

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    I feel for you! My OH will be working 200 miles away for over a month before the birth and he is not guaranteed time away because of the work he does, so he may well miss the birth. I am desperate for him to be there but the situation is as it is.

    Is there no way he could tough it out? I'm guessing he must be having a really hard time if the better choice is to go away to war & miss the birth of his baby, but would that not make up for how much he hates his job at the mo - plenty of people have to stick it out in their jobs they hate because of circumstances.

    Hugs!
     
  8. Lawhra

    Lawhra NowProudMumOfTwo!!

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    As you can see I can feel for all of you who are in a similar situation and I'm sorry for you. It is a horrible feeling isn't it.

    It's easy to say he should put up with it and stay but he joined The Army to do a specific job (I can't go into too much detail here because of what he does) and what he has been posted to is really rubbish. I do not blame him for hating it. So I cannot begrudge him not wanting to have to stay there for another 6 months. Him being miserable will not be any good for either of us.

    Also, him going away means he can buy the house I rent off my uncle meaning I can stay here which is where I want to be instead of having to move elsewhere which would be away from friends and family and disrupt my son.

    There are plus sides, but the risk of him not being here makes me very very sad :( I knew being with a soldier would be tough but you can't quite prepare for these situations until they arise.
     
  9. midori1999

    midori1999 Well-Known Member

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    My husband is in the army and has been posted as of April (I am due in July) but I am staying pout as the pregnancy is high risk and it's not a great idea for me to move when pregnant. I have short labours and he will be a plane/ferry ride away, so he may well not get back here in time. My last labour was in April at 23+5 and I lost one of my twins at 15 minutes old, the other at 9 days old, so obviously I really could do with him here, but that is the nature of his job.

    He might not be allowed to return to his previous job, they don't always take the chopping and changing that well, tbh, so maybe the decision will be out of yours and his hands?

    Also, do get him to ask if he can take his paternity leave during the tour as our lads (and lads we know in other batallions) were not allowed to take paternity leave until the tour had ended, they had to use R&R to try and be home at the birth/afterwards and see the baby.

    I'm sorry you are in this position. :hugs:
     
  10. Lawhra

    Lawhra NowProudMumOfTwo!!

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    I'm so sorry you lost your twins. It sounds as though you have even more worries and stress than I do and you seem to be coping ok? I should take a leaf out of your book!

    I am aware he may not be able to return to his unit. For his sake I hope he can. He is hoping to use his R&R and paternity leave straight after. Even if it is just R&R I'd be happy if it means he will see his first born born. Soldiers should be allowed to come home for their child's birth, even if they aren't home for too long. It riles me that they don't automatically get to.

    I hope your pregnancy and birth go well :flower:
     
  11. GersPrincess

    GersPrincess Mummy of 3, soon to be 4!

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    It's all very well saying things like he should just put up and shut up, and comparing him to other people who hate their jobs, but being in The Army is very different to civvy life. Civvies who hate their jobs generally go home to their families at 5pm. Those in The Army generally don't. I'm assuming that your OH is living in Barracks, which from experience, is depressing at the best of times, so must only be worse if he isn't enjoying his job. Being unhappy in your work then having to live, eat, socialise, train and exercise with the same people day in day out, must be incredibly hard. Especially since he'd rather do a tour than stay where he is.
    I think you're an amazing girlfriend if you're happy to support him in his career and help him to be happy in his work.

    I would however, be cautious about R&R. Things may have changed since my Hubby was in The Army, but he couldn't take his R&R until 4 months into his tour, then 4 days got wasted with him sat in Cyprus waiting to get back to the UK. Also, as Midoril999 has mentioned, he may not be able to take paternity during his tour. I would ask him to have a chat with his CO at his old unit and talk through his options and see if he can take PL during a tour. I don't know if you have a hive anywhere near you, but it could be worth asking some advice from them.

    It's a horrible situation for you to be in, I don't envy you at all. I think if I were in your situation I'd prepare myself for him not being present and just see it as a massive bonus if he did make it. Hugs hugs flower, hope you find a resolution xx
     
  12. Jessicax5

    Jessicax5 3DD+1DS <3

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    Having been married to a US a soldier for 9 years all I can say is that if your OH chooses to change bases even though there's a chance he might get deployed to Afghanistan, clearly shows me that he is in a BAD situation where he is stationed at right now. My ex went to Afghanistan twice and it is not a place anybody would go to voluntarily (at least I wouldn't think). You made a point when you said that if he stays there he'd be miserable about work and that would effect your relationship as well. Now I think the timing SUCKS as far as the delivery of the baby and hopefully he will keep that in mind and decides that he can wait another 6 months. It's a bad situation and maybe, just maybe his work situation will change for the better and he will be able to stay.... Good luck!
     
  13. Lawhra

    Lawhra NowProudMumOfTwo!!

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    Thank you so much GersPrincess, I could not have said that better! He is living in barracks and works long hours doing a job he hates and at times only gets away Saturday night. What he is currently doing id miles away form from he had been doing for the last 10 years. I really do feel for him.

    Sorry to sound ignorant but what is a hive? I'm new to being an Army girlfriend as we have only been together just over a year.

    He did mention getting back, if he were allowed, could easily be problematic such as your husband experienced.

    I have already been thinking about who I will have at the birth instead of him and tried to prepare myself.

    Thank you for your kind words :hugs:
     
  14. Lawhra

    Lawhra NowProudMumOfTwo!!

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    Thank you Jessica. It really is bad for him there. It is soul destroying for him and it absolutely would affect our relationship.

    He is on the front line too so not even in one of the safer positions! I knew what I was getting myself into but reality has now hit. Stupid me really.

    It is good to know others can understand :flower:
     
  15. rensben

    rensben Well-Known Member

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    Hi hun,

    I'm in the same position! I'm pregnant with my second and due mid August. My husband leaves for Afganistan in May for 6 months. He will miss the birth. Our first was a preemie born at 30 weeks and I'm scared it will happen again and I'll be on my own with a 1 year old and a preemie in the hospital. i'm praying for a miracle but I don't think it's going to happen. Just wanted to say that i know how you feel. :(
     
  16. CandyApple19

    CandyApple19 Pregnant with #3, PAL.

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    I'm so sorry you're in such an awful situation, and the thing is either way there will be struggle.

    My Sisters ex husband missed the birth of their daughter due to not being able to make it home in time, or at all for that matter, i didn't know the whole details but he didn't get to meet her until she was 6 months old....It was heartbreaking as he missed her entire pregnancy (she found out a week after he left) And then the birth and then the first few months of her life.

    I really hope things pan out for you and circumstances change.
     
  17. Lawhra

    Lawhra NowProudMumOfTwo!!

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    Aw I'm so sorry. What a difficult situation. I hope you go full term because although it will still be tough that he misses the birth at least it won't be with the stress of another preemie. Good luck to you :hugs:
     
  18. JNA

    JNA Mom to babygirl

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    I dont think you are being selfish asking him to suck it up until the baby get here. My OH will miss the birth of our first child and her first 6 weeks of life. Im pissed and raised hell but since we are not married no one cares.

    In the end everything will work out for you guys :hugs:
     
  19. crystal09

    crystal09 Well-Known Member

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    My husban just left Jan 9 2011 for a one year tour (training in another province and an eight month tour in afghanistan) He will miss all of the pregnancy (except the first 7 weeks) and definelty will be missing the birth as well. It sucks. I wish it were different but I know I can get through this by myself. We alreay have two children, so I have been through all that before. Good Luck :) And think positively.
     
  20. stephi85

    stephi85 Mum to Lucy Elizabeth

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    I know what you're going through on this. My husband is Territorial Army butyou'd think he was regular with the time he puts into it. He left for a tour of Afghan a month after we got married and was gone for over a year, and now they want him to go back again so he'll miss out on the birth and the first 6 months of the baby's life. Unfortunately all his mates have told him he should do as many tours as possible when the baby is young as they wont remember it or ask so many questions....unfortunately what his mates dont realise is that i don't want him to miss the birth, nor do i want him to come home and see that his baby doesnt know him and doesnt want to be near him because he's a stranger to them. I'm not entirely certain my sanity will hold up whilst pregnant/with a baby whilst he's there, it barely held up just after we were married! TBH i had to put my foot down in the end and tell him i wasn't going to let him go. It was bad enough after we'd just gotten married, im not going to let him do it to his child as well. I'm lucky in that at least my husband has a choice about whether to go or not, i can imagine it must be a lot harder for you *big hugs*

    oh and btw, the Hive is an army families support network, they're really good and will help you with anything they can.

    If you ever need someone to chat to you can always pm me :)
     

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