Some of the nurses at the NICU are telling me I hold my son too much.

[_jellybean_]

My son is full term, no tubes or anything like that. My husband and I are there from about 9 a.m. til 6:30 p.m. with about a two hour break. We do hold him pretty much the whole time, even when he is asleep, but I love to hold him and I want him to feel loved.

SO many nurses have told me it's not good for him because he won't learn to self-soothe, but he is only a week old. They are saying that when I take him home, I will have problems b/c he will want to be held.

I don't care about that. I'm already not there at night, which is really hard.

Are these nurses right? Please tell me, because DH and I have no idea. What do you think? Thank you.

 

[AP]

No they really aren't right, it sounds like they are frightened that when you aren't there THEY will have to do the soothing.

He's just out the womb, he hasn't a clue whats going on but he needs to know mums around! In most neonatal units it's encouraged.

Your baby your rules. Yes they can deal with medical issues but they can't tell you how to parent. They can keep their OPINIONS to themselves, what they are saying is just their unwanted and unasked for opinion and not medical advice

Stay strong, stick with what YOU want to do

 

[Sam182]

Whilst I completely empathise with you and know how wonderful it is to hold your baby I do understand what they mean. I think they are trying to help as it's very possible your LO will have trouble self soothing and going to sleep on her own. It's all about getting the right balance. Take it from me - sitting with my baby at 2am and 6am after his bottles screaming til I hold him and refusing to sleep is not good for you! It's very easy to get upset and take things very personally with everything you are going through and she is your baby and you can do what you think is right but I'm sure the nurses are just trying to give you the best advice they can x

 

[_jellybean_]

Thank you both. I'm just really having a tough time with this, and today another nurse (later in the day) told us that we should hold him as much as we want because it's good for him. What to do? What to do?

I appreciate both of your responses. Thank you so much.

 

[bek74]

I have to agree with the nurses, nursing him to sleep and constant holding him probably isn't the best as he will get use to it and expect it.
However I think there should be a balance.
The nurses can't nurse him all night and if he is use to it probably spends a large amount of time crying when your not there, and that's most likely the case that's probably why they suggest not to hold him so much. They probably don't like hearing your baby crying cause he wants to held and thru can't do it as they have other babies and jobs that need to be done.
We would be close to our little ones by stroking their hair, holding their hand. We left my old shirt with them so they could smell us while we were away.
In the end it is your choice

 

[25weeker]

In the last few weeks of neonatal I would put holly down awake and the nurses said to me that it was a good idea so she would self settle. Got her home and she wouldn't self settle probably due to the change in environment and I ended up nursing her to sleep anyway.

While I understand why the nurses are saying it to you. Your baby is only a week old and you haven't been able to bring him home which is soo hard for you so I think you should do what makes you feel better and if you want to hold him then do so. Sleep training can be done further down the line if/when you want.

 

[_jellybean_]

I have to agree with the nurses, nursing him to sleep and constant holding him probably isn't the best as he will get use to it and expect it.
However I think there should be a balance.
The nurses can't nurse him all night and if he is use to it probably spends a large amount of time crying when your not there, and that's most likely the case that's probably why they suggest not to hold him so much. They probably don't like hearing your baby crying cause he wants to held and thru can't do it as they have other babies and jobs that need to be done.
We would be close to our little ones by stroking their hair, holding their hand. We left my old shirt with them so they could smell us while we were away.
In the end it is your choice

Thanks For now he has been sleeping great when we're not there. That's the thing. He has been making incredible progress, and so I am reluctant to change anything. Changing the title as I should not have said "all nurses." Some of them. But they are worried about us when we get him home. Thing is, I feel like I still need to bond with him.

 

[_jellybean_]

In the last few weeks of neonatal I would put holly down awake and the nurses said to me that it was a good idea so she would self settle. Got her home and she wouldn't self settle probably due to the change in environment and I ended up nursing her to sleep anyway.

While I understand why the nurses are saying it to you. Your baby is only a week old and you haven't been able to bring him home which is soo hard for you so I think you should do what makes you feel better and if you want to hold him then do so. Sleep training can be done further down the line if/when you want.

Thanks. DH and I will be reading more about this. It is great to hear from other mothers.

We have been doing just that--putting him down to sleep after he eats so that he can self-soothe--but then picking him up when he is asleep. Some nurses said that was fine, but the nurse yesterday said basically not to hold him unless he was eating or awake.

Mind you, she was not his nurse and never has been....but we are friendly and chat with many of the other nurses so we get a TON of advice!

So then I went back in and didn't hold him yesterday and he was very unsettled. I picked him up and he started screaming. DH helped calm him. Then, 20 or 30 min. later, he started screaming again. I thought it was b/c I picked him up, so I was crying my eyes out, thinking that I'm a horrible mommy for waking him, etc.

Our nurse then told me to pick him up. I told her about the advice we got from the other nurse and she completely disagreed. She said that he has been doing great at night, and that if he had any issues at night they would use a baby swing. She said it's really important for him to be held and loved. So...then she said to check his diaper. WOW. A huge (TMI) poo was there, so that's why he was crying--not b/c I picked him up.

I felt silly for not checking in the first place, lol.

Thanks again to everyone.

 

[katy1310]

I totally agree with Atomic Pink - he is just out of the womb and used to being all cosy and snug in there, so needs lots of cuddles. I think especially when you have to be apart from your baby, it's important for both you and your LO to have that bonding experience.

It's hard having a baby in NICU. We weren't allowed to hold Sophie till she was 3 weeks, and even after that, cuddles were few and far between because she wasn't always stable enough, so once she was into special care and we were pretty much allowed to look after her all the time we were in, we used to cuddle her all the time. She used to sleep on us a lot! We did put her down awake quite a bit as well, just to get her used to it, but we cuddled her a LOT. We just felt we needed to, and Sophie loved it. She's still a very very cuddly little lamb and she's going to be 2 in a few weeks.

She was great at sleeping when she first came home, never had any problems self settling - until she was about 9 months When she was tiny, I used to feed her during the night and put her back down awake, and she went to sleep no bother, so I don't think all the cuddles affected her at all. The sleep problems seemed to start when she was more aware and doing lots of learning and developing.

Just do what your instincts tell you - it's hard to remember in NICU that it's YOUR baby.

I hope he's ok and you get him home very soon

 

[_jellybean_]

Thank you, Katy. I'm going to go with my gut, and keep cuddling him. I just feel like he needs love. He is not having any problems when we're not there, and if for some reason he has problems self-soothing when he gets home then we will deal with it. I just can't not hold him. I cried so much about this--wondering if I was doing the wrong thing. But I can't find any research (lol, I like to read) that says that you can hold a baby too much at a week old.

Thank you again. You're absolutely right that I do have trouble remembering that he is mine because he is in the nicu and I feel like so many other people have opinions about everything in regard to changing, holding, even whether or not we should sing to him while he is asleep. Someone told me we should not sing to him while he is asleep...so I don't

Thanks

 

[pardalis]

I say hold him when you want! I had a nurse tell me this and I just smiled sweetly and told her that I wanted to hold him. He's your baby, just do what feels right

 

[whistle]

All the pamphlets I was given etc in NICU said that mother's touch is really beneficial in helping babies heal, not to mention here are billions of mums at home who spend the first few months attached to their babies because they see it as 'the 4th trimester'. I was another one who didn't get to cuddle my baby till he was 3 weeks old, so I used to sit for hours with my hand on his head and when he was strong enough I cuddled him all day. I used to sing songs and read to him all day too because I wanted him to know my voice and I wanted him to know I was there. The line between asleep and awake was so fine there was no way to stop singing to him because he was asleep. I don't see the harm it would do. Sleep training can be done successfully months and months down the line. I will cuddle any future babies I have to sleep. It just comes down to parenting styles, there are no right answers, and my way of parenting or yours is no better or worse than someone who doesn't cuddle their baby to sleep or someone who reads maths sums to them in their sleep, it all comes down to individual parents and babies.

 

[xxClaire_24xx]

we didnt get to hole ellie for a good 2 weeks then even then when we done her cares we needed to see how stable she was and she also had picked up a few infections and was so poorly i really did think it was best to leave her all snug in her wee nest in the incubator but when she was in her open cot and we had fed and changed her we would have a good snuggle but then i alway tried to put her in her cot awake cause i knew that when we got her home i needed to split my time between her and mia who was 5 at the time

but yeah tell them that its YOUR baby and you want a cuddle xx

 

[_jellybean_]

Thank you again to everyone I spoke with his doctor today, who said to hold him a LOT and give him lots of love/cuddles. I told her some nurses were saying the opposite...and she said that he needs to be held a lot right now. Made me feel better. Thank you for all of the support.

 

[SabrinaKat]

Wow! I cannot believe that you were told that!

Our LO was born last Friday night at 36wks and I couldn't go see him because I was in intensive care (pre-eclampsia) and I was in tears Saturday night, yelling at the midwife, asking her to take all the wires out, I was going to see the baby NOW! Another midwife intervened and took me up to see him and I sat with him for a good hour, holding him! And I was able to sleep much easier that night.

On Sunday, I went up a few times, but he was always sleeping, so I just stroked him. On Monday, one of the nurses suggested that I come at feeding time, so that I could 'practice' and both my DH and I go up to feed him and he seems to feed better when we are with him! In fact, today, he was out of the incubator with just a food tube and hopefully, can come home in the next few days!

Personally, I think the cuddles make a world of difference for both parents and baby, and that is far more important to me than somebody else's 'opinion' -- shame on her!

best wishes

 

[_jellybean_]

Thanks. My son loves to be cuddled, and it makes me so happy. I'm glad you and your little one will come home soon. It must have been so stressful to have been in the ICU right away. I'm glad you fought to see him. It's so amazing, isn't it--how beautiful they are

 

[lozzy21]

I commented on your thread in baby club, what they are saying is rediculous, a week old baby isent supposed to self sooth FFs.

Niamh is 15 months old and full of cold with an ear infection, she's been sleeping with us at night and spent all day attached to me literally. I was cooking tea with her strapped to my back last night. Once she is well again I will be lucky if I get 20 mins of hugging a day.

Responding to all your baby's needs even the need to be held while they ate young produces happy and secure toddlers.

 

[Jen1802]

It sounds to me like those nurses are just worrying about him getting used to being nursed to sleep and more or less that you are making a rod for your on back later on so to speak. There is no right or wrong answer, you're his mother and you do what feels right! All people can ever do (even nurses!) is give you their opinion after all and it is just that...an opinion, its not a medical fact that just because you are cuddling him loads now that he's going to be an awful sleeper when you get home! From my experience most newborns need lots of cuddles and need to be held A LOT! They've been inside you for so long that it is difficult for them to self soothe straight away. Its something that they learn over the first few months. As was already mentioned I think you're unsure who to listen too because with a little one in NICU they almost don't feel like your baby and you constantly have to ask the nursing staff if its ok if you do this or that. Its not a "normal" situation for a newborn and mother to be in and the typical new parent doesn't have to cope with this and can pretty much just do what their instincts tell them to do. Ignore them and do what feels right for you! xo

 

[Agiboma]

@Op Hold your LO as much as you want, the nerve of these nurses. Its just that they dont want to hold him and sooth him when your not around. Ignore them and give your son the love he deserves. I held my baby alot when he was strong enough, the nurses made their comments i didnt care, I was like blah blah blah when they where talking, the only thing that mattered to me was my son and letting him know how much his mommy loves him.

 

[eleda]

Those nurses have no idea what they're talking about. You should absolutely hold and cuddle and sing to your baby as much as you like. There's actually a whole theory about how the first three months of a baby's life are like the "fourth trimester", when babies expect things to be as much like in the womb as possible - cuddles all day long and food on demand.

After Adele was born she was on the ward with me, and we hardly used the hospital cot, she was snuggled up with either me or OH pretty much all day and all night. I remember it was a really powerful moment for me late on that first night when I decided to have her in bed with me overnight as well. It was one of my very first parenting decisions and it was absolutely right for us. She's a very mellow, happy baby and gets lots of compliments. Not a rod for my back at all!