Stay At Home Dad

[lola84]

My DF and I were talking about when we TTC last night.

He suddenly started talking about all the stuff he would do with the kids during the day - taking them to the park, cooking proper meals, playing games and even possibly home schooling.

I ws a bit confused and asked what he meant by "during the day" and he said he naturally assumed that because I earn much more than him (about x3 as much) that I would go back to work and he would be a stay at home dad. He said it's kind of always been his dream to want to properly raise his own kids and be fully involved in their lives because his dad did a runner before he was born. He said what would be the point of having kids if he had to go to work every day and miss out on the important steps in their lives.

I don't know how I feel about it really - I think it's lovely that he's want to be so involved and love the idea of home schooling - but then there's the jealous little bit of me that wants to be SAHM.

I feel like "well I'm the one desperate to TTC and waiting patiently" so why should I wait for him to catch up and then be the one to have to work when I finally get them. Also it's unfair that I would go through the 9 months of pregnancy and then labour so DF gets all the glory of the first steps and first words without me.

He thinks it's unfair for us both to have to work (when realistically his wage will just be for extra goodies not essentials) and have the kids in daycare when it's not really necessary.

But I (probably selfishly) feel a bit sulky that I was pressured into university by my parents while his mom allowed him to drop out of school at 15...and now I'm being punished for having the better job by missing out on the things I want in life - my kids to be.

Anyone else had this dilemma to deal with when you had kids? Or anyone else potentially facing it like me??
How would you feel and handle it?

PS: Sorry if it sounds a bit ranty and incoherent - just trying to get all my confused thoughts out in the hopes it will help me get some perspective.

 

[Vesta]

My parents faced a similar dilema. The original plan was for my mum to leave her job and stay at home. However while she was pregnant, my dad was made redundant. They decided it was silly for him to be job hunting while she gave up her job. My Dad ended up being a stay at home Dad to my brother. And by the time I came along my Dad was working from home.

It worked for them at the time. The only downside is my mum still feels like she missed out. When we talk about our childhood, the stories often resolve around my Dad.

 

[lozzy21]

I can see his point if you are earning way more than him. Is there a way after your materninty leave to drop your hours so you get a bit more time at home?

I personaly dont get home schooling. Yes they may get a better "education" but once you leave school you need your social skills so much more.

 

[Kirstin]

My OH was going to be a SAHD but I dropped out of uni early, I didn't mind, I was just glad we werent planning on sending our babies to a childminder.

 

[lola84]

I did suggest that we could both work 3 days a week...with the kids in daycare one day a week to socialise with kids the same age.

But I really do see his point that he would have to work all week to make up the money lost by me missing 2 days. And there's noone I would trust with our kids more than DF - it would realistically be a much better way to do it for the kids and for DF than leaving them with a childminder unnecessarily.

I can see he's being logical but i'm still sulky hehe

 

[lozzy21]

I think both of you working 3 days a week is a better idea than him doing it all.

 

[icclebaby]

Probably wont help you much but my OH is a SAHD and I hate it, I feel like I am missing out on so much and end up in tears so much of the time - freya is always looking for her dad and she is only 7 months old so it will get worse, but being realistic I have to work else we couldnt pay the bills on his wages but it doesnt make it any easier, I dont think I could be at home 24/7 but half and half sounds good but that way just doesnt bring in enough cash.

 

[morri]

thas cute In sweden paternity leave is normal nowadays and it is soo cool that it is .

 

[elmaxie]

Gosh what a dilemma!

I can see what he means by you earning so much more and it would make sense for him to be a SAHD and save a fortune on childcare fees.....but on the other hand I can see where you are coming from too you work hard and at the end of the day have carried this child and will go through labour then potentially miss out on some of their "firsts"

For me if my hubby wanted to be a SAHD I would hate having to go back to work again as I hate my work so cant really compare. Also me and OH eran about the same (me slightly more)

I guess at the end of the day it does come down to money and how you can adapt and survive on what you earn.

Have you spoke to him about the way you feel? Maybe you could drop a day or two and he can work a day or two still bringing in wages each?

I do think its not many men who would want to do this so think he is very sweet.


Emma.xx

 

[lola84]

I think it's really sweet that he wants to be so involved - especially when he sits watching Super Nanny and giving his own advice on discipline and activities to do with the kids to the tv screen aww hehehe he's such a cutie.

But I would feel I was missing out on a lot of special moments.

We did talk about it again last night and the plan inventually would be for me to work from home. I'm in the kind of sector where I could set up on my own when I'm qualified and having a home office away from the noise of family life but not too far away that I'd miss out if something exciting happened would be perfect.

I also figured that if we both work hard enough and save hard enough for a few years before and during TTC then we could do the working 3 days each plan and supplement living with the savings for a while (maybe even until the kids are old enough for fulltime school)