Struggling to get on side with his career.

[missk1989]

My OH over the past few years has done his degree and is now doing a postgraduate in radiotherapy. Now he is saying he wants to do medicine which would require us to move down south as there arent many choices for this course up north. The thing is, whilst i am proud of the things he has acheived i feel that it has been at the exspense of our family and whilst we have just struck a balance with work and family life i dont want this struggle again. For a start when he was doing his degree course i pretty much cared for lo alone, and even though my family visited when they could they all work and live an hor away so it got pretty lonely. I dont want this is a strange city much further from family than we are already, alongside juggling a job (which i only just started and love but would have to give up if we moved). Also if we moved we wouldnt be able to afford a second child which would be heartbreaking for me.
On the otherside, if OH did qualify as a doctor then financially we would be in a great place but by then Isaac would be in school so we would have to stay there. It would probably be too late for another baby as i really dont want a huge age gap and it would be at least 7/8 years if we went ahead. I feel that the financial side of things in 7 years isnt enough for the years of financial struggle and the strain on family life that is inevitable.
I want to be supportive but whilst i try to see his point of view i dont think he even considers mine. When he mentioned it last night he said "there is nothing stopping us just packing up and moving, i suppose there is your job." He doesnt even consider things like schools, money, or even our families. Im so torn. I think i will just hope it all goes away!

 

[Bex84]

It sounds like he is being selfish as he needs to consider your family. You have already given stuff up for him and medical training would be an intensive course. I think you need to sit down and talk about how many hours on course, money available, job prospects after, you wanting a second baby, that you should not be forced to give up a job you love for just his benefit. When you have a child decisipns need to be based around family needs not individual wants. I think your oh needs the practicals laid down to get his head out of the clouds and realise you have dreams to. Can you afford as a family the cost of training

 

[missk1989]

It sounds like he is being selfish as he needs to consider your family. You have already given stuff up for him and medical training would be an intensive course. I think you need to sit down and talk about how many hours on course, money available, job prospects after, you wanting a second baby, that you should not be forced to give up a job you love for just his benefit. When you have a child decisipns need to be based around family needs not individual wants. I think your oh needs the practicals laid down to get his head out of the clouds and realise you have dreams to. Can you afford as a family the cost of training

The cost of the training would be cover from student finance and nhs. With the exception of 9k initial costs that he seems the think he can just get a bank loan for. Its the cost of moving and general living costs that we would struggle with. The cost of living down south is generally more than up north and we barely make ends meet as it is.

 

[Eleanor ace]

I'd feel exatly the same as you. While the financial incentives of a career in medicine are obviously pretty big there are so many other important things. Quality of life, time together as a family (depending on what career he wants to go into specifically he may have very limited time with his family), a strong and loving support network, loving where you live, your career and aspirations being met, giving your son a sibling and you a second child that you want- these are all important things. Have you sat your OH down and explained your reservations? I know I can get a bit carried away with making plans and see only the good things, and need my DH ground me by making me think of all the semantics.
Where is he thinking of training?

 

[missk1989]

I'd feel exatly the same as you. While the financial incentives of a career in medicine are obviously pretty big there are so many other important things. Quality of life, time together as a family (depending on what career he wants to go into specifically he may have very limited time with his family), a strong and loving support network, loving where you live, your career and aspirations being met, giving your son a sibling and you a second child that you want- these are all important things. Have you sat your OH down and explained your reservations? I know I can get a bit carried away with making plans and see only the good things, and need my DH ground me by making me think of all the semantics.
Where is he thinking of training?

yeah he can tell im not really up for it. He is looking at oxford as you dont need Alevels to get on the course and all the others do.

 

[daneuse27]

I agree with others, your OH isn't being fair. It sounds like there's a lot to consider here and he needs to look at both sides of the issue; not just his own. Has one of you looked into how easy it is to become a doctor in the UK once you're qualified? I've heard that it can actually be quite tough; very competitive, not everyone gets through and the student loan debt from it is huge. Maybe you guys could do some job market research and find out what his chances are and how much he'll have to pay off after - it would be awful if you all moved down there only for him to not succeed in medicine (not saying that'll happen, but needs to be considered I think) I hope you two can sit down and really talk about all the pros and cons - maybe make a list. I hope he listens and respects your concerns. It sounds like you've worked very hard for this family.

 

[Angelbaby_01]

I would suggest you both sit down and write the pro's and con's down and then discuss it. It does seem that he just got the idea and decided to do it without thinking about the consequences. You both need to be on the same page and should be happy about the situation. I totally agree that it will affect your family from what you described.

xxx

 

[lau86]

It sounds like a huge ask of you both, practically, financially, all ways tbh. I'm training to be a gp and I've done the last 2 yrs part time but I started this journey in 2004, still have 2 big exams to go. Chances are he will work once he's qualified, I don't know anyone that hasn't but it's a myth that doctors are well off. I've got £360 of fees just so I can be on the training course this month. There's always something it costs me £400 to belong to the gmc!
It sounds like he could have a really interesting and fulfilling career as it is. Why does he want to do medicine rather than that?

 

[missk1989]

It sounds like a huge ask of you both, practically, financially, all ways tbh. I'm training to be a gp and I've done the last 2 yrs part time but I started this journey in 2004, still have 2 big exams to go. Chances are he will work once he's qualified, I don't know anyone that hasn't but it's a myth that doctors are well off. I've got £360 of fees just so I can be on the training course this month. There's always something it costs me £400 to belong to the gmc!
It sounds like he could have a really interesting and fulfilling career as it is. Why does he want to do medicine rather than that?

I think he just wants to have dr as his title TBH. He always says he would do a PHD but then said he would rather train in medicine to be a proper DR. Where are you studying part time?

 

[lau86]

Hmm doesn't really sound like a good enough reason? I did my degree in Birmingham which was full time, then I worked a few years full time before I had ds1, that was in around liverpool. Once you've done a degree the application to work is quite flexible and you can apply anywhere in the country. London and the South is the most popular and therefore competitive.

 

[Bex84]

I hope he sees your point of view. Its a very intensive course to take on for title of doctor.

 

[Pearls18]

Please don't hit me....but I'm going to go against the grain and say I don't think it is selfish. Work is such a massive part of our lives I think it is understandable we strive for the career that will make us happy. My husband is in the military and it has meant a lot of sacrifices from myself, I've moved away from family, know that we will move around a lot, I have no idea where we will be in a year, he goes away a lot, he is coming back from a course away this week that has lasted 9 weeks, our youngest was born 13 weeks ago! And to top it off the money isn't particularly great lol. However, I was with him for 4 years before he signed up and I knew he was lost and unhappy in his life not knowing what he wanted to do, when he signed up he was a different man, his job is a part of him. I have found a way to work around it, I study for my qualification distance learning and I work part time to make life easier. I've thrown myself into the community which wasn't easy for me. I didn't know what life was going to be like so I gave it a go and I'm very happy, sometimes the unknown is the scarier.

However, this has to be a decision you make together when it has such a huge impact on you and your son. You need to lay our your concerns.

Is there a way to compromise? Can you perhaps have a second baby and say he can look at medicine in 5 years time for example? (The difference with my hubby is that the military is obviously is a younger man's game so he needed to get in ASAP).

Would you consider living apart? This wasn't an option for me but lots of families in that kind of situation live "unaccompanied" so the mum stays near family and the other goes to where he needs to.

Just a few thoughts, it's important to discuss is together and come up with compromises because one way or another one of you will be unhappy

 

[daneuse27]

Marinewag I think the difference is that you and your husband both agreed to that living situation. OP's husband wasn't willing to consider her points in all this when she brought them up to him and that is indeed selfish.

Also going after a career for the " title " isn't the same as doing it because it would make you happy. He needs to be thinking about the needs of his family in all this, not just his own pride.

 

[Pearls18]

Marinewag I think the difference is that you and your husband both agreed to that living situation. OP's husband wasn't willing to consider her points in all this when she brought them up to him and that is indeed selfish.

Also going after a career for the " title " isn't the same as doing it because it would make you happy. He needs to be thinking about the needs of his family in all this, not just his own pride.

I'm not taking sides I'm just giving another perspective. To be fair she didn't say he said he only wants it for the title, she said that's what she thinks he's doing for, and it doesn't sound like she has put her points across all that much to him when you look at the way the OP has worded it, it sounds like a lot of assumptions have been made on both sides. So I think it is really important they BOTH accept the other's feelings and discuss it properly, not just assume the other one is ok with it or whatever. They both have a right to say what they want to do, and then decide the best way forward. It just sounds like communication has broken down a little bit on a big matter. All I wanted to do was explain my own situation to give another angle, I just don't think it's as black and white as "he's being selfish".

 

[daneuse27]

From everything OP has written, it sounds like he's aware that she doesn't want to move. I think the fact that shed have to give up a job she loves and move further from family makes that something to consider regardless of whether shed already voiced it or not. Of course they need to sit down and both listen to each other's points. I agree with you on that part.

 

[Pearls18]

I gave up a job I loved and a chance of promotion and having my studies paid for, and ended up getting an even better job. There's two sides to every story, the title of this thread is "struggling to get on side with his career" I am just sharing how I got on side with my husband's and I'm the happiest I've ever been, the OP is rightly afraid of the unknown, and perhaps it is not he right decision for her family, but you have to open your mind to all options. I don't know what's best for their family, but if she goes reluctantly, she won't be happy. If she doesn't consider her options and refuse to go, he won't be happy. If one of you isnt happy, neither of you will be. So all I'm saying is they BOTH need to think of the pros and cons, him too absolutely.

She will have to give up her job, but he would be missing out on his job if he doesn't go, unfortunately it's not a win-win situation, so as I say, it's not black and white.

 

[wishuwerehere]

Does he have to train now? Can you not work out a timeline for when it would be ok for him to train if you had another baby?

 

[Angelbaby_01]

Please don't hit me....but I'm going to go against the grain and say I don't think it is selfish. Work is such a massive part of our lives I think it is understandable we strive for the career that will make us happy. My husband is in the military and it has meant a lot of sacrifices from myself, I've moved away from family, know that we will move around a lot, I have no idea where we will be in a year, he goes away a lot, he is coming back from a course away this week that has lasted 9 weeks, our youngest was born 13 weeks ago! And to top it off the money isn't particularly great lol. However, I was with him for 4 years before he signed up and I knew he was lost and unhappy in his life not knowing what he wanted to do, when he signed up he was a different man, his job is a part of him. I have found a way to work around it, I study for my qualification distance learning and I work part time to make life easier. I've thrown myself into the community which wasn't easy for me. I didn't know what life was going to be like so I gave it a go and I'm very happy, sometimes the unknown is the scarier.

However, this has to be a decision you make together when it has such a huge impact on you and your son. You need to lay our your concerns.

Is there a way to compromise? Can you perhaps have a second baby and say he can look at medicine in 5 years time for example? (The difference with my hubby is that the military is obviously is a younger man's game so he needed to get in ASAP).

Would you consider living apart? This wasn't an option for me but lots of families in that kind of situation live "unaccompanied" so the mum stays near family and the other goes to where he needs to.

Just a few thoughts, it's important to discuss is together and come up with compromises because one way or another one of you will be unhappy

MarineWag I see your point becuase with my family it's the same. hubby needs to work away for weeks at a time (5 weeks) and last year Ocotber we moved closer to the family, but he got a new better position at his company and it might mean that we need to move away yet again. It is not soemthing that I would like to do, but it's a sacfrifice worth willing to make because 3 or 4 years down the line it might mean bigger better things for us as a family and can we have more time together. It will be a bit more tight now financially, but it's only for the time being.

I do agree that it's good to discuss compromises.

 

[Rachel_C]

What would happen if you told OH you were going to do a degree in something and you wanted to go to a Scottish uni so you were moving the family up there and he could stay home and look after LO? I'm guessing he would laugh. It should work both ways and if it doesn't there is something not right somewhere.

I do think he is being selfish - if you've both always said you'd like another child (or you've said it and he's not disagreed), to suddenly decide that HE wants to work in a particular job that means you can't do that is very selfish. Okay so he might not feel fulfilled if he doesn't do it, but that can be fixed in 5 years, but if you don't have a child that's with you for life.

I'd just tell him it's not the right time and he needs to put his family first for now. If he still wants to do it in 5 years, tell him you'll support him, but if he's still actually studying for one career and hasn't even considered working in that for a bit, he's not thinking about you at all.

 

[dani_tinks]

It is a really good career and many benefits but obviously the training takes years. I can see why he'd want to do medicine after doing radiotherapy (my hubby is a consultant oncologist!). Is there really no where up north closer to you that he could do his training?