Subject over, all sorted thanks ladies :)

[sharnw]

This is my 1st baby, I have now started to buy baby things, here and there, cot, pram, clothes etc and will be continuing as the weeks go by. I love picking out things that I want for my little girl...

Anyway LO is the 1st grandchild for MIL. She lives approx.10 hours away and she calls OH and tells him what she has ALREADY bought and will bring it all up when the baby is born and she is staying for 2 weeks! (I found this plan out last week by the way) Im getting upset and fustrated that she is buying things without informing me. I wouldnt have a flipping clue what she is buying/bought?! And I feel left out that I wasnt the 1 buying things because I am the mother..

Being my 1st bubby, Im am getting upset that she "is staying" with us for 2 weeks when LO arrives.
I have my own mother for that. To help me and be there for me and even stay at my house to help me with the baby. I dont even want the MIL around. I feel she will be invading my privacy... Its sending me to get the shakes and I just want to hide in the bedroom and not speak to OH.

Am I being stupid?????

I told OH how I feel, he understands what I am saying. But he doesnt want to upset his mother....

 

[wristwatch24]

Have you talked to DH about it? Maybe he can keep her at bay.

 

[sharnw]

I edited..

Yes I told him :/

 

[ncmommy]

I would cut her some slack, she sounds really excited just like you are. Granted, I would not want my MIL to stay for 2 weeks but maybe the trip can be shortened? As far as buying things, I would talk to her and ask what she has gotten and politely tell her things that she can buy and things that you are buying or have already. That way she can take things back if needed.

My sister and I are pregnant at the same time and she has a boy and is having a girl this time. We were talking today and she said she was a little sad it was a girl but then one of the things she thought about was the great mother/daughter relationship they would hopefully have. Like being able to be there for her daughter when she has children because really most DIL don't want their MIL around for those things. So, just think how you would feel if you had a son and your DIL didn't want you to come around. Plus maybe your OH wants his mother around?

You are not being stupid!!!

 

[MrsBroodyPant]

I wouldnt like that either!

When i was born my mums MIL came to stay for 2 weeks and my mam had to cook for her whilst MIL cuddled thr baby - so not right! I dont want this to happen to u.
Your husband should tell her as it is his mother. Maybe she could come stay for a weekend only? Maybe she could stay at a friend or family members house near by?

I wouldnt mind her buying things tho! Lol xxxx

 

[chulie]

The one thing you have to remember is, it's your DH responsibility to set boundaries with his mother. If you get involved its extra stress on you and you look like the bad guy. Explain to DH that you understand your moms excited but having an in law for 2 weeks is just to much. It is SO overwhelming at first and he doesn't get it.... Do you have other family she could stay with??? Or could she come say 3 days after the baby?? Give you some breathing space? In laws can be very invasive and because its not your mom it can lead to unecessary stress. I know he doesn't want to upset his mom but, an upset new mom is even worse if she's the type of mil who won't understand boundaries and she'll act like a guest you have have to entertain!! If there's nothing that can be done..then you just have to go into mom mode and NOT be afraid to take your baby and maybe go upstairs just the two of you..or tell her to back off....no matter what make sure DH has your back once she is here and intervenes if she gets too much...your job is just to bond with baby!! Not refereree or entertain guests

 

[sunnylove]

I love my MIL but if she stayed with us for 2 weeks, it would be certain death...on someone's end!! Personally I wouldn't mind telling her, "Actually, after the baby is here my mom is going to be here a lot helping out, so if you stayed here too it might be a little crowded. Maybe you could stay at a nearby hotel? Unfortunately once the baby is here I'm afraid I will be unable to accommodate your request of staying with us for 2 weeks."

I don't know ANY new mother who would want their MIL staying with them for 2 weeks. Heck, I wouldn't want my own mother staying with us for 2 weeks! It's nothing personal, it's just that once the baby is home, I can't think of anything better but alone time!!

I would put my foot down if it were you. If your DH doesn't want to do it, then you need to. It's your baby and it's your house too. She can't just crash your place for 2 weeks, I don't care if she lives 10 hours away!!

I can also see my MIL buying a LOT of things for the baby. I would only find it annoying because I want to keep things very simple and don't want the baby to have 900 different sets of onsies, and since MIL is a hoarder and pack rat, she is used to trying to create the same atmosphere for others, lol. (Every year I literally have to throw some of her stock stuffers away because it's like, "Who on earth would use this?! Ever??") If it was getting out of hand I would probably say to her, "I really appreciate you wanting to buy all this stuff for the baby. But her room is really small, so we're trying to keep items at a minimum. We'll let you know if we need anything, how does that sound??"

Good luck!!!

 

[Mandy2307]

i know exactly where you are coming from. my MIL doesn't live too far away from us and for some uknown reason they are expecting us to move in with them for a while once baby is born...that is definitely not going to happen. i find MIL and FIL very controlling and absolutely hate it when they do things without asking us. i'm a pretty organised person and like you want to get most of the baby things myself, this is after all our first child...i can't suggest much as i'm not even sure how i will tell MIL and FIL to back off...but your not alone when it comes to excited but slightly annoying inlaws! All i can say is don't let it stress you out too much and try and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy as much as you can.

 

[keese22]

I don't want anyone staying with is once lo is born! I said people were more than welcome to visit but I didn't want anyone sleeping over. We don't have the space for starters (air bed in the living room is the only option ).

 

[sharnw]

Thanks ladies x

(OH works away from home on the mines), so I thought maybe I can have a talk to OH when he gets home next week and get him to have another chat to his mother and explain exactly what you lovely ladies have advised. That being a mother and new mother , ( he too, for being a new father) we would want our own space and it really means alot to just have me and bub time, we dont want anyone staying over, just short visits in the day. We want to get used to having baby home and settling in. Ask if she can stay at OH's aunts house instead??..

 

[AllieM]

My feeling on the MIL situation (for everything, not just your specific post) is that we should treat MIL's like we would or would want someone else treating our own mothers. MIL's raised our OH, so they can't be that bad, they may just do things differently than your own mother. I may be sensitive to all the MIL bashing that goes on on this site because as the mom of two boys, I know that one day I will be the dreaded MIL and would be sad if I was treated as any less that my DIL's mother, just because I birthed boys vs girls. The thought of that is really upsetting

 

[CottlestonPie]

I can understand that a MIL can feel a bit left out, but to decide to stay for two weeks without discussion with the new mum is a bit much.
My mil had actually decided the same thing and I've had to say no. I explained that when I need extra help my mum is 5 minutes away meaning she can help, then go home and I still get a bit of privacy.
As a new mum and a new dad with this little baby, you will need bonding time. You and DH will need time with baby to work out the dynamics and routines and such. Having a MIL (or anyone) around could compromise that important time. If you're breast feeding you'll probably feel a lot more comfortable trying to establish it without having someone basically watching over you. It's stressful enough without people telling you how to do things their way.
I also get embarrassed I the place is untidy so I'd be forever tidying up instead of resting.

Anyway yeah. I've gone on a bit sorry... They're basically the reasons I have told both my mum and MIL as reasons why I don't want overnight visitors and I will ask for help when I need it. Because I will need it, just not 24/7. I was worried about offending people but they're over it now. I'd rather offend someone in the short term than let them dictate for the rest of our lives.

 

[sharnw]

Totally understable.

OH's sister is having her LO in 2 months time and we heard through the grape vine that she feels that their mother is paying way too much attention over my LO and not paying attention to her. I cant help but feel upset that she feels this way and I dont want her feeling left out.

 

[Librastar2828]

Mil's hmmmm

I totally would feel the exact same as you are feeling.. Your excited and want to buy and choose everything your self.. You want your baby to your self, after all you've carried and given birth! You don't want her interfering or staying with you for two weeks

But as I read this I felt bad for the mil.. Why shouldn't she buy bits? She's excited too.. Maybe have a chat and see what you both have and havnt bought so there aren't any clashes.. After having a baby I'm sure you might want the helping hand and why should it be your own mother and her left out in the cold..

I know I have a preference to my mum than mil ect and its natural but like a few have said as a mother to a boy ill be a mil one day with a grandchild just as much mine as it is her mums and I wouldn't want to be pushed out..

Come to a compromise, yes two weeks is a long time when she living with you especially if your not relaxed around her but share the excitement of a new baby with everyone and you will be thankful of the help trust me!

It's natural feeling though so don't beat your self up over it

 

[iwantabub]

My feeling on the MIL situation (for everything, not just your specific post) is that we should treat MIL's like we would or would want someone else treating our own mothers. MIL's raised our OH, so they can't be that bad, they may just do things differently than your own mother. I may be sensitive to all the MIL bashing that goes on on this site because as the mom of two boys, I know that one day I will be the dreaded MIL and would be sad if I was treated as any less that my DIL's mother, just because I birthed boys vs girls. The thought of that is really upsetting

I completely understand and with a boy on the way i feelthe same however...

if this was my mil or mum i would feel the same as OP....

if my mum invited herself to stay for 2 weeks i'd be telling her no... and my mum and I are very very close...

Mum Dad and Bubs need time to bond in my opinion and having MIL stay somewhere else and just vist as opposed to having her at your house is a huge difference...

hope u get the issue sorted

 

[iwantabub]

Oh and as for buying things... I had a similar situation where my mum bought some expensive Ralph Lauren Baby shoes that I hated ...i had to break the news softly to her as to not hurt her feelings.. after the place would not do returns or exchanges she hasnt bought much since cz i think she got the point she was going over board...

i have decided to let her buy whatever she wants now tho as shopping for her was giving her a lot more pleasure than i was getting out of it lol... ive just given her some more guide lines hahah

 

[RKW]

I understand about 2 weeks being a long time to have a visitor, but if my MIL wanted to come to stay for about a week I would be so happy!
I am totally open to that fact this baby is going to be very hard work. If somebody can hold her while a have a bath and rock her while I'm recovering from birth I will be so grateful. My husband can only take a week off work and I'm considering seeing if my MIL will come and stay for the next week.
I'm lucky with my MIL, she is a lovely lady, she doesn't have much money but if she had chosen to buy anything for baby I would be pleased with it. We have bought everything ourselves but are really grateful when people offer to help buying stuff, as our money will dramatically reduce when I go on maternity leave, and every little helps.

I do understand your frustrations but is it possible he is just excited about her new grandchild and trying to help with gifts and her time?

 

[twobecome3]

This is my 1st baby, I have now started to buy baby things, here and there, cot, pram, clothes etc and will be continuing as the weeks go by. I love picking out things that I want for my little girl...

Anyway LO is the 1st grandchild for MIL. She lives approx.10 hours away and she calls OH and tells him what she has ALREADY bought and will bring it all up when the baby is born and she is staying for 2 weeks! (I found this plan out last week by the way) Im getting upset and fustrated that she is buying things without informing me. I wouldnt have a flipping clue what she is buying/bought?! And I feel left out that I wasnt the 1 buying things because I am the mother..

Being my 1st bubby, Im am getting upset that she "is staying" with us for 2 weeks when LO arrives.
I have my own mother for that. To help me and be there for me and even stay at my house to help me with the baby. I dont even want the MIL around. I feel she will be invading my privacy... Its sending me to get the shakes and I just want to hide in the bedroom and not speak to OH.

Am I being stupid?????

I told OH how I feel, he understands what I am saying. But he doesnt want to upset his mother....

oh hell no! your OH should have asked you BEFORE answering his mom if this was a go, bad form on him. I wouldn't even want my own mother staying at my house for two weeks (EVER, let alone after giving birth) and she wouldn't invite herself over either, tbh that's pushy and rude. this is our first baby as well, and all relatives on both sides are being treated the same - they will get a heads up when im in labor, another when the babys born, and another with the okay of when and how long to come visit. im fully aware that hey, maybe right away I will want family around for extra help, who knows, but im reserving the right to make that decision when the time comes, nobody should be forced to host with a new baby


I completely understand your stressing, hopefully something gets worked out where she can stay with the other relatives and then come by for visits. it would be a diff story if you were close with her and wanted her to stay, but that's not the case so its the equivalent of an acquaintance invading your space when youre trying to bond/breastfeed/sort it out. MIL's need to understand that while they know their son, if they aren't close to their daughter-in-laws before birth why all of a sudden would they be wanted to stay over. seeing as while the husband might be there to help, the early days are really all about the mom, so the mom should choose who she wants there for support. maybe its 'not fair' for the mothers of boys but hey, lifes not fair. you didn't have a girl, you had a boy. it is what it is. you rule the roost of your home, and your DIL rules her roost. I have no expectations to push myself upon my daughter when shes starting her own family, and if I have any sons (I want one or two more kids) I would fully expect to have even less involvement in their adult lives. its just different.

 

[sethsmummy]

This is my 1st baby, I have now started to buy baby things, here and there, cot, pram, clothes etc and will be continuing as the weeks go by. I love picking out things that I want for my little girl...

Anyway LO is the 1st grandchild for MIL. She lives approx.10 hours away and she calls OH and tells him what she has ALREADY bought and will bring it all up when the baby is born and she is staying for 2 weeks! (I found this plan out last week by the way) Im getting upset and fustrated that she is buying things without informing me. I wouldnt have a flipping clue what she is buying/bought?! And I feel left out that I wasnt the 1 buying things because I am the mother..

Being my 1st bubby, Im am getting upset that she "is staying" with us for 2 weeks when LO arrives.
I have my own mother for that. To help me and be there for me and even stay at my house to help me with the baby. I dont even want the MIL around. I feel she will be invading my privacy... Its sending me to get the shakes and I just want to hide in the bedroom and not speak to OH.

Am I being stupid?????

I told OH how I feel, he understands what I am saying. But he doesnt want to upset his mother....

wow your dh was out of order ok'ing this with your mil before even speaking to you!! I wouldnt want anyone staying with me either be it mum or mil. You and dh will need your own time to bond with baby.. you shouldnt have to worry about dealing with your mil and running round after her! I'm sorry but those who have said "you will be grateful for the help".. OP might not be.. she might not need the help. At the end of the day not everyone does.. i didn't need any help when my son was born.
Also there is no saying how your birth is going to go, (sorry i dont mean to worry you). But for all anybody knows there could be complications leaving you sore.. and the last thing you will want is to have to deal with a guest when you are trying to heal and recover! Maybe is she stayed in a hotel or at another relatives it wouldnt be so bad then you could let her know when its ok to come over and can tell her when you'v had enough and she needs to leave you in peace. You should not be forced into having guests and loosing out on your personal bonding time. Its you who is going through the birth and it is therefore upto you whether you want people staying/visiting.. not your dh. In my eyes he has no say in the matter what so ever.

As for the buying things, yeah it might be nice but she shouldnt be going out getting loads without asking you first. Like you have said your excited about buying things. It it were me hun i would continue to buy whatever you want.. and if she has bougth duplicates then its just tuff, she can send them back. Dont let it ruin your excitement! Either that or get dh to call her and ask exactly what shes got.. if there is something there that you wanted to chose/buy for your lil one or that you already have then im afraid she will just have to take it back.

Oh and as for dh not wanting to upset his mother.. ask him. who would he rather upset.. his mother who lives 10 hours away... or his wife who he will have to deal with every day seriously pissed off and upset. Maybe he will get the hint then and sort things out for you

 

[Dtswife]

I agree that we should be nice to our MILs and make them feel special and included. Yes indeed, they did raise our lovely husbands and most of the time, they are good people.

However.

I will never, ever have the same type of relationship with my MIL that I do with my mom. Never.
1.) We are extremely different people. Politics, religion, lifestyle philosophies, home decorating, all of it.
2.) She lives 5 hours away. When she comes to see the baby, I expect her to spend an hour or two cooing over the baby, and then the rest of her visit talking to DH and me about her wonderful cats and how cute our cat is. I am not joking. Dead serious.
3.) She does not value motherhood. I want to be a mommy. That's been my goal in life for as long as I can remember. Even though so far pregnancy has not been super fun, I want 4 or 5 kids. SHE never EVER can say that someone she knows is pregnant without saying why it's a bad thing for whatever reason. Example, DH's cousin had her first baby 2 years ago. Married, happy all good, great environment. Well, according to MIL, based on no evidence, she thought cousin "tricked" her husband into having a baby. Why would they want to have a baby when they were in their early twenties? NOW, cousin is pregnant with her second, due a month before me. THIS TIME, again, no evidence, cousin's HUSBAND is "forcing her" to have a baby. Uh, what? It's like she can't fathom people WANTING kids, which is fricking weird, because she has 3 AND is a school psych, has been for almost 20 years. She doesn't like her nieces and nephews and always has snarky stories to tell us when we see her about why they're already losers. It's unreal. Honestly, I don't even want her around my kids, because after hearing her talk about everyone else's kids for 5 years, I know what she's going to say about her grandkids, and me and DH as parents, especially if we do have more than 2 kids.

There is no way I would survive a 2 week visit with her at my house full time (and she wouldn't survive that long with me either. We're just really different). Some DILs and MILs click and have wonderful relationships. My mom and her MIL were really close, and Mom felt a lot more accepted and valued by MIL than by her mother. That's great, but it's not going to happen for me, and I am not going to treat her the same as my mom. I am nice, I am kind, I keep my mouth shut when she's irritating me, I compliment her cats and insane knickknack collections, but I will never confide in her, or go to her for advice. She and DH have a great relationship, and that's awesome, but he also places he and me as his highest priority, just like I do. It's SUPPOSED to change when you get married / commit to each other! Spouse has to come first, or things will get very tense!

To the mom who has 2 boys; You sound extremely reasonable and not at all like you will overstep your bounds or try to insert yourself between your son and his wife. You seem very kind, and I bet you understand that things will change between you and your son (as they should also change between DIL and her mom) when they get married. There's a difference between wanting to be involved with your kids and trying to CONTINUE mothering them after they're grown, which frankly, coming to stay for 2 weeks after baby kind of is.

As to the buying thing. . . . It's free stuff. Free stuff rocks. If she's going to buy it anyway, which she is, at least compare notes, let her know what you are looking for and what you definitely do not want. That way you get your needs met while still honoring her need to help you.