When I was 11 (I am now almost 32) and my best friend Cameron was 12, he hung himself. I will never forget the day my school principal (Mrs. Stangle ) came into my classroom and took me out of class. I still remember what she was wearing, a crisply ironed shirt dress shirt, a heather grey skirt and her eyes were red but I was unsure if she was mad or had been crying. She held my hand as we walked down the hallway, this made me very uncomfortable. I remember thinking "oh no what did I do wrong?" (I was a brat!).
My mom was there, the school counselor and my mom began talking and telling me about the weird phone call I answered the night before. Rick, Cameron's father called at 9pm (to me then that was late). He sounded so far away, so distant, he asked to talk to my mom and by the time I got her, he hung up. She said Cameron hung himself from the top of the stairs, his dad broke his ribs trying CPR. None of it made sense. He was gone.
I had no idea he was even sad let alone depressed, let alone thinking about killing himself. I knew his family life (with his mom not dad) was very messed up.
Do I think he was selfish? No, I think he was in a sort of pain...I could never understand. He was so desperately hurting he felt this was his only way out.
Sure he deeply hurt and wounded the people he left behind, he was an only child too boot (his poor father was destroyed). His dad was a life long family friend, we lost touch a few years after wards. He couldn't deal with anyone who had been a part of Cam's life. But I still do not find his act selfish.
Was he brave? In some ways, I think yes. In most no. I think yes because he took on so much at such a young age, and he never let on he was suffering. To me it is some what brave to struggle that deeply and not allow it to affect the people closest too you, though in the end yes, he hurt us beyond measure. But he was also hurting beyond measure.
Sure maybe if he had let someone into his emotions, mind and heart...maybe he wouldn't have killed himself. But this was his story and his journey, and I just cannot find him selfish for it. I miss him to this day. And all I really hope is where ever he is, he is finally at peace.
I think suicide is something that not truly understandable until you have been there. I cannot judge what I have not felt or experienced for myself. I have thought about harming myself, but this was not a means to end my life, but a means to end the situation I was in (a very physically abusive relationship). I never acted on those feelings, but I have no doubt if I had not plucked up the courage to finally call the police on my BF when I did, I would likely not be here. Either from his hand or mine.
My biological mother is a self harmer. And has been for many, many, many years. She is also a recovering addict. And oddly enough? I do find her selfish, and her actions. Why? Because a lot of what she does, she does to purposefully hurt others (usually me or my adoptive mom, as she has major guilt/emotional issues over giving me up...I was adopted by my grandparents, thus making my bio mom my legal sister).
I am pretty sure a two years ago she attempted suicide though she denies it. She stabbed sewing scissors into her thigh and neck, sorry but that is a little beyond cutting. She lucked out (though she said she missed on purpose) and didn't hit arteries.
I do think her attempt was selfish and cowardly oddly enough, unlike Cameron's. I would explain why but it would turn into a Jerry Springer like post very quickly!
I'm still pretty bitter about that.
