Support for Parents of "High Need" Babies

[adzuki]

I was wondering how many of us are out there?

Dr Sears calls them "High Need" babies, and the Bab Whisperer calls them either Touchy, Spirited, or Grumpy babies. In any case, in an effort to complain less to friends and family (who offer only judgement and advice when I really want a place just to complain, be heard, and be offered supportive words!), I thought I'd come on here and see if I am alone in having challenges with my LO's temperament! Misery loves company and all that

My introduction: Miss M is currently 3 months old, and suffers from reflux, which doesn't help! Basically, she's inconsistent in every regard, hyper-sensitive to the slightest stimulation or discomfort, stubborn, doesn't like to be put down, can't relax enough to sleep, doesn't self-soothe well, gets frustrated easily, etc etc. She's just, well, touchy. I imagine she will be an AMAZING and sensitive adult, if I don't screw her up too much along the way. The problem is that she has so many buttons - it's like walking in a minefield - that it seems that even my breathing could well screw her up. LOL. Sigh. love her to bits, and sometimes I hate and resent her too. I think it's hard for some of my friends to understand this duality I have about her. I am in many ways the anti-touchy, so it makes it more difficult - a bit of a bull in a china shop am I, so it is especially hard for me, and I get frustrated with her often. Sigh.

Anyone else have any of these "special" babies???


A

 

[fernie3]

hello my son was exactly how you describe. My other two were easy babies compared to him!. He also had reflux, he cried if you so much as moved brushed against him and seemed like he never slept!

BUT he is now a happy, easy going little boy who is about to turn three. He is the cuddliest and most sensitive little soul. If I am sad he will come and sit on my lap and put his arms round me and give me a kiss. He says "I love you mum" which makes my heart melt!

I think the reflux is alot of the problem, he was obviously miserable he was in pain, he threw up after every feed for the first 8 months of his life and he had recurrant chets infections at the same time, rushed into hospital etc . I think that his earlier problems have turned him into the little boy he is now!

I hope that make you feel a little less alone - I know I used to feel I was going mad!

Sophie

 

[adzuki]

Thanks Sophie! I am sad you had to go through that, but it gives me hope too! I have heard that these sensitive babies turn into awesome toddlers and sensitive children, so I have to keep reminding myself of the big picture!!! Huge hugs!


A

 

[rach321]

I also have a "touchy baby". He's a lot better now but I think that's mainly because I spot his cues a lot more easily now at 11 months than I did when he was really small. He spent most of his first 4 months swaddled since that was the only thing that ever settled him and its really only since last month that he stopped throwing up after every milk feed! Fernie3, I'm so glad you said that - there have been many times when I thought neither of us would survive his first year!

 

[juliespencer9]

Ive got a grump! shes 4.5 months now and is getting better....slightly!
she likes to be held all the time
cant self settle to sleep
wakes all night every 1.5 hrs ish, 2hrs if im lucky
gets over tired but wont sleep for more than half hr naps
the list goes on

she did have colic...it was hell!

all i want is for her to sleep better at night so i can function...and so she can!

 

[Angel2Fire]

My son is exactly the same! He's suffered from colic and reflux pretty much since he was born. He has never slept for more than 5 hours at a time and needs to be held and have attention constantly.
He screams and screams for hours at a time and it really takes it out of me. I've walked out in the past and said I was never coming back. I had PND for a few months which really didn't help and I found it difficult to bond with him. He was also in hospital for nearly a week when he was 13 weeks with salmonella which was a very very worrying time.

He's still pretty much the same really. If you stop giving him attention and talk to someone else, he screams until you start talking to him again!

He is a little better with the reflux though since I put him on aloe vera juice. He's also on SMA staydown, gaviscon and ranitidine!

We found the methods used in the happiest baby on the block DVD really helped when his colic was bad and he still has to be swaddled when he goes to sleep. We also found his bouncy chair was a lifesaver... he's spent so many nights in his vibrating bouncy chair as its the only way he would sleep! He does sleep in his cot now in his own room, with a raised mattress to help the reflux.

I really feel for everyone who has babies like this, it gets sooooooooooo hard at times.

Has anyone else found anything that has helped?

 

[Lara+sam+bump]

I have one too. Noah is just over 5 months and after an intial 2 weeks of being an angel, he became the baby from hell lol. He used to cry almost constantly, he had alot of wind as a newborn and was diagnosed with reflux at 2ish months (seems to be a recurring thing among these types of babies) If he wasn't asleep or feeding, he was crying. He couldn't self soothe, found it difficult to go to sleep and totally impossible to sleep alone. Feed (BF) almost non-stop for the first 3 months, then I had enough and he was put on a 2 hourly scheaule whether he bloody liked it or not. He was so sensitive as well, cried during every nappy change for the first month, cried when dressing and undressing, he hated being in his pram and hated the car, hated the sling until he could outward face, then he loved it. I was often spotted, pushin the pram with Noah in the sling lol. He just wanted to be carried all the time. He is also still swaddled for sleeping, stopped in the day, but have had to start again as he is napping i his cot and finds it to exciting if not swaddled lol. But things change and our turning point was a DUMMY!!!! he wouldn't take it till 4.5 months but since then my life is a million times better. He can now self sooth, goes to sleep on his own, rarely cries in the buggy or car cos he has his dummy if he does. He rarely cries during nappy changes, still dont like dressing. Also since weaning his refux has all but gone it does it better tho ladies I promise xxxx

 

[Angel2Fire]

I've just thought... we could change this thread into a group?

It would be really good to support each other and try and offer advice

 

[CeliaM]

My eldest son was a VERY difficult baby. He would cry for hours on end during the first several months. Fed poorly. Literally didn't sleep more than 45mins at a time, until he was past 9months old. Tried EVERYTHING. Couldn't ever get him on a schedule, he'd be awake for hours at a time at night, and was always really really difficult during the day. Finally at age 3.5, he started sleeping properly.

We had planned to adopt, and even decided to only adopt a single child rather than siblings because I was so frightened we'd end up with more children as difficult as he was. The exhaustion really took it's toll. I even ended up at the doctors office in my slippers as I was in such a daze I'd forget to put on shoes!

I do think having a support group for fussy babies is a great idea. I know I would have really benefitted knowing other kids out there were like mine, and that my parenting wasn't solely to blame.

I'm so very happy that I've had my youngest son. Although I was terrified at the notion of having an infant again when I first got pregnant, I didn't know that it could possibly be so enjoyable. Some say my youngest isn't an easy baby, but in my books, they have no clue about what difficult is! I love it.

My eldest son, now 5, is the most caring, sensitive child I know. Sweet as sweet can be. I do think the years of sleep deprivation did him harm however, as he was delayed in motor skills and speech. He still is a little behind now in fine motor skills, but once he started sleeping better, he dramatically improved in all areas.

Regrets... not being more insistant with the doctors to check him out more. I do very much believe now that it was a milk intolerance that he grew out of.

I did finally see a paediatrician who did all she could to help, but despite, she could offer any suggestions aside from what I was already trying. Recently, I found a chart on my computer logging his sleep schedule in 2007. Reminded me of the hell I went through. He was just prior to 3yrs old at this point. I'll put up the average day for interests sake...

7 Bed at 7 – struggled to settle. Asleep 7:45
8
9 9 awake briefly. Didn’t go in. Back to sleep 5mins
9:30 – awake again. “all done sleep”. Nothing seems wrong.
10
11
12 AM Mar27 Woke nearly every hour between 9 and 4am. Sometimes crying loud, mostly wimpering. Generally asleep again within 20-30mins
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8 up
9
10
11
12 PM Wouldn’t nap. Tried for 1.5hrs
1
2
3
4 4:45-5:45 sleep in car
5
6
7 7:45 put to bed. Didn’t go to sleep until 9:40 (got overtired)
8
9
10
11
12 AM Mar 28
1
2
3 3am woke up crying. Hungry. Then wet diaper
4 …
5 Awake until 5:15
6
7 Up at 7. Very grouchy!!!

 

[cooney]

My mom has told me that I was a grumpy baby. Like very grumpy. Apparently I had colic forever and everything made me scream my head off. Conversely my brother (who is only 13 months older than me) was an angle. I am a very sensitive person. Maybe that's why it hurts me so much every time my mom brings up how much of a pain in the butt I was as a baby. She is always telling me "you were so hard to love." and has admitted to me she still greatly resents me for it.

I could never have dealt with a baby like myself. I greatly admire you ladies who do it. I just wanted to say that you should try not to resent the hard babies. Especially into their adolescence and adulthood. =(

 

[Cinderella]

Max is grumpy! The doctor even said to us that we had a 'high need' baby and should just get used to it and didn't need to keep taking him in. Easier said than done when he's spent all day crying! He is also a colic and reflux baby, which I think is most of the problem. He rarely sleeps because he's in so much pain with the wind and reflux, he just spends nearly all of the day writhing around. Even at night when he's generally a good sleeper (8pm-6am with 2 feeds) he's wriggling all night and the slightest noise or movement wakes him. On top of all that he's now majorly constipated so before when he would have had a quiet moment he now whinges. It's not even like he cries all the time, he just whines! I find myself spending most of the time trying to get him to sleep just to stop the whining. He's slightly better now because the colic seems to be easing, so we do get the occasional ten minute spell where he's awake and not crying.

We're off to the GP's tomorrow as well to see if we can get different reflux meds as the Gaviscon isn't working too well anymore and it's causing constipation so hopefully some demperidone will help! I would at least then be able to come to terms with the fact that he's a grumpy baby if I knew his pain was under control and he was whining because he's just in a mood!

It's even become a bit of a family joke about how grumpy he is! Which is such a shame because in those rare ten minutes of non-crying awake times he's lovely!

 

[mommyof3co]

Casen was def a high needs baby. From the day we came home from the hospital until 7mo old I was the only one who could touch him. Not even daddy....on the very rare occasion he was in a GREAT mood Mark could play with him for a bit. Mark would try and calm him but he would scream like someone was killing him or something until I would touch him and I'd just have to touch his sides to pick him up and he was quiet. Around 7mo he finally started letting Mark help calm him but it took awhile longer for anyone else to be around him. Even now...he's 4 1/2...he takes a bit to warm up to people, he can get very anxious about being around new people and shows big time OCD symptoms when he is nervous or uncomfortable. I couldn't put him down for the longest time. I remember my mom coming to visit when he was 10mo and I was doing the dishes and he was of course under my feet, my mom sat back and watched in awe as I literally hopped over him putting dishes away and when I would stand still in front of the sink he crawled over and laid his head on my feet....this was a daily thing lol. HE just couldn't take being away from me.

Now that he's 4 I can look back and say yes it was hard but it was so worth it, and it does get better

 

[adzuki]

WOW. It is both wonderful and horrible to hear other people's stories! And Cooney, you are SO right - this is why I do think that we should start a group - so that we can get it out here and get rid of any resentment that can build up. I myself feel it creeping in sometimes, as much as I try to stay positive.

So, let's start a group! Anyone know how to copy/transfer this thread over to the groups section???

Thanks all for jumping in - you have no idea how much solace there is in getting kindness and understanding from people - usually I get judgement because she's always screaming like I'm trying to kill her. The worst right now is going into the refrigerated foods section at the supermarket - even if I bundle her! God forbid I set foot in the freezer section! And people always stare as if they should call a social worker or something - the horror - torturing her by buying some meat for dinner! Siighhh

Thanks all!!!!

A

 

[CeliaM]

My mom has told me that I was a grumpy baby. Like very grumpy. Apparently I had colic forever and everything made me scream my head off. Conversely my brother (who is only 13 months older than me) was an angle. I am a very sensitive person. Maybe that's why it hurts me so much every time my mom brings up how much of a pain in the butt I was as a baby. She is always telling me "you were so hard to love." and has admitted to me she still greatly resents me for it.

I could never have dealt with a baby like myself. I greatly admire you ladies who do it. I just wanted to say that you should try not to resent the hard babies. Especially into their adolescence and adulthood. =(

This made me really sad to read. For goodness sakes, like you had an option of how to act when you were a baby! My son was excrutiatingly difficult to deal with, and were he not my first where I could devote all my time to him, it would have been far harder, but even then I can't imagine that I would resent him for it. Instead, I feel guilty that perhaps there was more I could have done to make it easier for him.

He's very sensitive as well, and while it's one of his most endearing attributes, it also worries me greatly. Even at age 5, he tries so hard to fit in with others, gets easily offended at other kids insensitive actions, and is really hard to reprimand without causing him to just melt. I worry for his self confidence, and want to find ways to help him.

Anyways, I'm sorry... I think it's unfair for your mom to be resentful towards you. It sounds like she really had a tough time of it, but sometimes life is rough and that's just that. It's no one's fault, and certainly not yours.

 

[premmiemum123]

Your original thread sounds like my little one. She has reflux too and yesterday was awake for 5 hours and would not sleep or settle just crying and moaning. We were at the end of our tether and so was she. She eventually slept for 9 hours overnight which was a godsend, but yesterday we were frazzled.

I am convinced the Reflux medicine is to blame for having a hyperactive baby. Like one of the posts mentioned above, a bouncer is god send as you don't have to lie them flat and elevating your mattress is a must, even though I have to go in a couple of time during the night to place LO at the top as she slides down, it is worth it in order for her to get a good nights sleep.

Reflux is nasty and makes for a very grumpy active baby. I can't wait for her to grow out of it.

I am sure you won't screw your baby up...sounds like she has a very caring and loving mother...

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

Cooney i think that's sad too I was a very touchy baby and had colic too. I refused bottles and wouldn't go to my dad so my mum could never go out when I was very little!

I've read that a study (not sure whose) showed people who cried a lot as babies tended to be very active thinkers and problem solvers as adults...

 

[rach321]

Cooney its really interesting you said that - I was a very touchy baby and my mum still resents me for it, takes every opportunity to remind me what a horrible baby I was and I honestly do think that it has affected my relationship with her - I get on so much better with my dad. I'm really conscious of this and I will make a point of never reminding my LO when he is older that he was a touchy baby - its not his fault, I would love him the same whether he was an angel baby or a touchy grumpy baby.

 

[Grey]

I would love it if this thread could be turned into a group - or if you could start a support group for parents of Reflux babies. This is my first time back onto the forum since before my baby was born (back in May!) because I have to be with her all the time, night and day as her reflux is so bad.
She's having a few mins sleep during the day just now (ie just today) which is v unusual for her - as so many of you have said, she can't sleep more than a few mins at a time at night because the reflux wakes her up even if she is v tired.
I can't tell you how sad but also strangely reassuring it is to read that some of you have had the same problems - I have felt so alone and struggling to get doctors or health visitor to understand (hard to show them the awful sounds she makes or convince them what pain she is obviously in). I've hardly left the house in 4.5months....! because it's so awful when she screams - I totally recognise the phrase "as if I was killing her"! Awful but so familiar to me. Thank you everyone. Sorry for the long splurge of a post - lots of pent-up stress from her reflux.

 

[mommyof3co]

I've read that a study (not sure whose) showed people who cried a lot as babies tended to be very active thinkers and problem solvers as adults...

Don't know about adults but Casen...my "high needs" one I posted about is VERY smart...always sitting back and watching, thinking about stuff. He is very advanced for his age and has been from a very young age. No clue if it has anything to do with his crying lol but yeah

 

[premmiemum123]

I would love it if this thread could be turned into a group - or if you could start a support group for parents of Reflux babies. This is my first time back onto the forum since before my baby was born (back in May!) because I have to be with her all the time, night and day as her reflux is so bad.
She's having a few mins sleep during the day just now (ie just today) which is v unusual for her - as so many of you have said, she can't sleep more than a few mins at a time at night because the reflux wakes her up even if she is v tired.
I can't tell you how sad but also strangely reassuring it is to read that some of you have had the same problems - I have felt so alone and struggling to get doctors or health visitor to understand (hard to show them the awful sounds she makes or convince them what pain she is obviously in). I've hardly left the house in 4.5months....! because it's so awful when she screams - I totally recognise the phrase "as if I was killing her"! Awful but so familiar to me. Thank you everyone. Sorry for the long splurge of a post - lots of pent-up stress from her reflux.

Reflux is awful and you are not alone. I am going to see my paeditrician soon to assess my LO since she was discharged from hospital. Her reflux is awful and the last time i spoke to my paeditrician on the phone he talked about weaning her off her medicines as they don't like to prolong the treatment, I can't let that happen as it will be hell, it is bad enough with the medicines let alone without. So to prove to him what a nightmare it is I am going to film her suffering her bouts and play it to him. As you say the doctors don't see the screaming and pain. Could you film your little one too? Use your phone or someone's video camera. I would really push for the medicine, whilst it won't cure it, it will reduce the symptoms.

As people have said on this thread, you have to keep our babies elevated at all times especially after feeds. I try to give my LO gym time and time on her change mat but it doesn't last after a while she starts screaming or vomits clear liquid (the acid from her stomach).