Teaching Kids to pick up after themselves/do things for themselves

[RiverSong]

So my ss who is 12 almost is brilliant, very polite and well behaved. The only thing is he can be lazy, as nasty as that sounds :'(

What i mean is i dont want him growing up to have a nasty shock i want him as prepared as possible. Thing is he doesnt do basic things like brush his teeth, pick up used glasses or plates... even this weekend he wanted more food after dinner, right up to the point he had to get it himself... so hed rather go hungry than spoon some stew into a bowl???

Can you ladies suggest anything? I might sound like an evil stepmom, but thats not it at all. I just want the best for him xx

 

[blinkybaby]

I have an OH who is like this so it's best this is nipped in the bud way before he gets to adulthood! I'd be inclined to go for the 'tough love' approach for maximum impact!

Just don't do anything for him? I know it might be hard, but let the dirty cups etc pile up in his room until he can't move, if there's no good reason why he can't do something himself, make sure you don't do it for him. Seriously, my OH's mum did absolutely everything for him even now into adulthood - he leaves his dirty clothes strewn all round the house, wet towels on the floor, won't make himself a sandwich etc. It's a struggle to get him to do anything but your SS is still young and can change!

With regards to the cleaning teeth, I think in a couple of years once he starts noticing girls etc that will take care of itself.

xx

 

[mommy2lilmen]

ok, stop! your not an evil step mom.
HE NEEDS to know to do things for himself. I have 4 children asides from my toddler and infant and they all HAVE to do things themselves. Its hard at first to enforce rules. Let me tell ya that.
My oldest who wil be 14 has been doing chores since 11 years old. Befor I woudl do it for him, remind him etc. All my kids I would do it for them. I then became angry and upset that I was to do everything including change my babies diapers and more. He was begging for things and stuff. I just said to him NO ONE pays me to do things here. Why should I pay you. You certainly dont do anything to deserve it. He to wouldnt brush his teeth, pick up his clothes, CHANGE his clothes nothing. For past 3 years I been enforcing it. I do do things for him which I think is backfiring but he is learning very fast that he has to help out cus once hes at dating age no girls gonna want a lazy guy. Not to mention not want to kiss him. He blushed and I said its true. If he wants more food and refuses, just let it be, he will eat if hes hungry. You are human not a servent. You do his laundry you do more for him than he thinks. My 4 children (the ones that can do things for themselves) have a chore list on the fridge, they do these things, if they dont they make it up the next day with more chores, its hard but it does work. THe tough love is usually the way to go. Your not beating him, your not yelling at him, your not neglecting him, you are merely showing him to be responsible. All my kids say their friends dont do this and dont do that. I said thats great. You guys have a mom whos mean, woopie. LOL I make it a joke sort of which I shouldnt. But to be a parent is to show them. Whenyou have 6 kids and 2 are babies still the older ones will have to stick up and do things or they dont get anything. Not saying i dont do things, I do do things but for simple things to get a drink or to even make juice, if they know Im busy they can do it. I get fumed if they stand by the juice jug and tap their feet.

 

[mommy2lilmen]

I also enforced a rule about foods and drinks in the rooms as the kids they wouldnt remove them. Rotten juice in bottom of cups and foods, it upset me. They to chose to not eat a snack if they cant have it in their room and complain they are hungry. I have counter and kitchen table, if they cant eat or drink there then thats their issue.

 

[RiverSong]

Thanks ladies. Im taling your advice, the toys hes left all over will stay where they are and if lo or the animals break them its tough. I did tell him they probably would if he left them out. also iv swept up a pair of socks hes left half under the sofa. I feel incredibly mean but he has to learn and ill be the same with lo.

As for glasses oh cant help but tidy them away so im on a no winner there lol.

Has anyone used 'sin bins' with any success? Where you lock away' left out toys for a period of time or until the child buys them out through chores or money? Especially with us seeing him only two-three days every other. week? Xxx

 

[mommy2lilmen]

Thanks ladies. Im taling your advice, the toys hes left all over will stay where they are and if lo or the animals break them its tough. I did tell him they probably would if he left them out. also iv swept up a pair of socks hes left half under the sofa. I feel incredibly mean but he has to learn and ill be the same with lo.

As for glasses oh cant help but tidy them away so im on a no winner there lol.

Has anyone used 'sin bins' with any success? Where you lock away' left out toys for a period of time or until the child buys them out through chores or money? Especially with us seeing him only two-three days every other. week? Xxx

Befor this leaves my mind, DO NOT give a toy/game back with money. It will teach the kid that YOU are buying there things back to them. If that makes sense. Make them EARN it back by doing things, respect (manners, chores, etc. If you do it with money, OMG you will end up in my spot I was in and let me tell ya, you will be broke. I did that for a short while then they expected to see the money befor they even thought about earnign it back. I was like a prisoner or child below my children.

Do the toy bin, dont tell him about it tho. He will go on a hunt for it. We take things away if its laying around. I have thrown needless things out. I to have swept up socks and put in the trash. I even swept up items they found outside that meant something to them all cus they left it in the way. I am an ocd neat freak so if my kids dont do something after a while I do it. I also do not give in to a treat or anything. We used to do movie night, take away, and store treats not no more. I feel so mean about it BUT the kids have to learn to earn.

Your pregnant, you ss needs to learn. I would pull up some dental images also, in regards to his dental hygeine. Show him what he could look like. SHow him the deseases he could get if he doesnt shower. Skin disorders and more.

Now, you could play reverse role here. Do to him what he does to you. say I would like some more food, get me some more. You could put int he word please just to show him manners. Show him what you do for him in reverse play. You could trick him into earning things back with this.

You will find what works for you

Hope things get better. Im so glad hes well mannered and more and just being a typical child.

 

[RiverSong]

Thank you for the advice ill be taking it on board

Yeah i am very lucky he is so polite etc. I was thinking some more about it and i think the problem may have started before i was on the scene and it was just him and oh. Oh would just do everything. But the way i see it now is not only are we a bigger family with more mess, but hes getting to the age where he needs these life skills and ill be damned if he goes to uni without them

Have fun with your brood too, it sounds like you have your hands full i can barely cope with two lol.xx

 

[mommy2lilmen]

LOl I have 6 boys LOL so I feel because I am the only woman in this house that I should teach them life skills. Cleaning, picking up after themselves etc. I have just recently started making my 13 year old cook for himself. (lunch and late dinner if he went out to the local public swim pool late) Its small easy stuff I allow him to make tho. I havent yet begun to allow him to do his own laundry.
Mess will happen. You live in the house lol imagine with a baby and you need to have space to change diapers, let baby roam on floor and what not. I think he will learn very quickly once baby is on the floor and you and OH take things away because he left it there, that he will make sure to pick it up so its not taken away.
my OH came into my life when my older 4 were 8(almost 9),5,4 and 2(almost 3) ...so he to had to learn very quickly that ignoring things will pile up and I am not one to allow him to do.
I am sure your OH hears about it from you, he will follow in your foot steps just by watching.
You dont have to do as I mentioned above those are just things after many years of watching, looking, googling and more that worked for me.

Just like today they got back from there dads yesturday, I have the 2 babies with my new OH and they still behave like I am their keeper and the person to do things for them. they got DS games and broght toys to their dads. I am in the midst of finding there things (im a stickler to keept hings in order) and I cant find them. I put there game systems and other things away, until they get home and find the things I want, they wont get them back. Of course they have their chores to do or they dont get tv time.
At times I hate being a parent, cus I dont feel like it at times. I feel like a warden, maid, cook, referee and more. But then I think about it right now, that I love them more than myself.

Do you know what your having? I assume this will be your first baby?

 

[purplerose]

I have to agree to teach LOs to clean up after themselves from an early age. Teach them to look after themselves for when they leave the nest.

Why I'm saying this is my mother used to do things for me all the time, and thus I developed the "wonderful" trait of lazyiness and being clueless on how to do things for myself. I'm 27 and only now can cook a proper meal, with encouragement from OH (who gave me an electric timer for my birthday one year) and now getting into cleaning etc.

When I have done a domestic task my mum goes "Are you feeling well?" or "OMG it's a miracle Purplerose is now able to do the laundry." (Even though I do know how to do it just lazy is all.).


So with my story just saying please teach and encourage your LOs to do domestic chores.

 

[RiverSong]

This is my second bio child, third including ss. The socks still on the floor lol nobodies moved it, i think its a battle of... umm whats the saying, wits? You know what i mean. I think its good letting your son learn to cook, itll be so valuable as a skill and less for you to do on late nights is he eager to do it or does he complain?

I was speaking to oh and we think bio mum doesnt make/let him do much for himself so maybe hes not lazy, just not switched on to chores? Either way itll change. Hes asking for pocket money, to which oh actually said no as he doesnt contribute to the household lol. I seriously thought he was just going to hand it over lol.xxx

 

[mommy2lilmen]

umm he does complan but then I say well be home at the proper time for dinner. I do set aside a plate at times but if it needs to be in the fridge then he has to either warm it up himself or make something else. He usually does it willingly many times.

The socks still on the floor lol well you know, you could always put it into his bed?? Or on his pillow? I know thats mean, but he would have to move it? LOL

So glad to OH. Now could you do a weekly allowance thing and say, if he does this you could give him X amount of money? So he does have his own pocket money, or give him such a small amount of pocket money that he wll want more so he will do more around house?

 

[Inge]

we live with the inlaws and MIL does everything for my 8 yr old ss OH doesnt even get a look in ss asks for a drink shell run and get it, she bathes him and basically waits on him hand and foot I know as long as we live here he wont get more independence as he knows if he says "do this for me" it will be done. He does this sometimes with me but now he is asking "can you...?" instead of "do this for me now" When we get our own place he will have more responsiblities and be expected to do things for himself more.

 

[Me_Mi]

Thanks ladies. Im taling your advice, the toys hes left all over will stay where they are and if lo or the animals break them its tough. I did tell him they probably would if he left them out. also iv swept up a pair of socks hes left half under the sofa. I feel incredibly mean but he has to learn and ill be the same with lo.

As for glasses oh cant help but tidy them away so im on a no winner there lol.

Has anyone used 'sin bins' with any success? Where you lock away' left out toys for a period of time or until the child buys them out through chores or money? Especially with us seeing him only two-three days every other. week? Xxx

Hi, new to this thread but I wanted to add my two cents I have two adopted preteen boys, we did try the "sin bin" idea with our 11 year old ( but in a bit of a different context) because not only was everything being left anywhere and everywhere, but he had gotten a very bad habit of lying that got way out of hand and it was a last resort. For example, he stole money from me and hid it under his brothers pillow in an attempt to get him in trouble. I was at my wits end, so he helped me pack his toys up and we stored them in his grandmothers garage. If he couldn't have decent respect and courtesy for the other people in the house, then he could spend his time reading a book or playing outside, instead of playing video games and having the luxury of all the toys he had. I am SO glad that we did this, because he finally got the picture that I am NOT messing around, and his behavior was NOT okay. Every week that he does not lie, cheat, or steal we go to grandmas and he can pick out which toy he would like back.

Not only has this completely stopped him from lying because he wants his stuff, but also he has learned to be more greatful for the toys he has. He has to earn his toys back with good behavior, and never once have I seen a toy left out for the dog to chew up, because he enjoys them more now

 

[RiverSong]

Thank you for your input im glad it worked for you, it can be so frustrating sometimes when kids lie etc. Xx