Telling Dad I don't want him to come during labor.

[Tiffylove]

I have a father who is insecure and all about how things look. So when he finds out I am in labor he will come no matter what because "that is what he is supposed to do" (in his own mind).

Now I am already scared of giving birth and have been prepping my husband and mother. I want it to be as safe and supportive as possible. I plan on trying any and all techniques, positions, etc... I know both my husband and mother will be more comfortable and I certainly will be more comfortable without worrying about when my dad is going to show up.

I have a few options. I can tell him in advance I don't want him coming (which I am not sure how he will react to this but it probably won't be good), I can not tell him when I am in labor (which he will take personally and not only be upset at me but also my husband for not telling him), or I can try to reason with him and explain my wishes.

I am not a person that usually tries to reason with people I usually just tell it like it is and then let them work through their own feelings. Yet, with this I can't seem to find the words that feel right about why I don't want him there. I don't think he will understand and I am worried about him showing up anyway.

Anyone else have to deal with this or have any suggestions.......

 

[greenbeans12]

That's a difficult one.

First off, why don't you want him there? Are you afraid he is going to make you uncomfortable, be uncomfortable himself, or both?

Honestly, I would be gutted if my children didn't want me in their birthing room - yes even if it was my DS's wife/girlfriend. So my question is can you work through it with him? Is it possible to bring him to a birthing class with you so he can work through some techniques and learn how to be a good supporter? Or maybe allow him to come in in the last few minutes of your pushing so he can see the baby born? If you don't want him looking "down" there then tell him, I am sure he will have NO issues objecting to that.

I think before you completely cross out the possibility of him being there you should try and figure out how he can be there. Maybe write your wishes down on a piece of paper for him to look at. Maybe you don't want him hovering, touching you, saying anything, etc. Just let him know beforehand so he knows and can respect your wishes.

I think it would be a much better outcome if you try and allow him to be there as it's a special experience and as your Dad I am sure it may hurt him really bad if you say NO without trying to work with him on it.

Good luck!

 

[tristansmum]

You just need to tell him straight. My dad would not even consider seeing my baby born and personally I find it weird when male family members are in the room when people give birth.... It's such a private, intimite time that I don't understand the whole family coming to watch. Here in UK you can only have 2 people in the room anyways cause its not a spectator sport and the midwives need room to do their job and you need space to give birth.
Just tell him that its nothing personal but you only want two birthing partners. Explain you need to feel 100% comfortable while in labour and for you having too many people in the room will make that difficult. You could say the hospital only allows 2 people there or something. At the end of the day you need to put you first. Your dad is an adult and if he can't understand your feeling then I'm afraid that's his problem.

I'm only having my husband again this time. Even having my mum thee would make me feel uncomfortable. She is totally fine with this.

 

[Tiffylove]

First off, why don't you want him there? Are you afraid he is going to make you uncomfortable, be uncomfortable himself, or both?

Good luck!

I don't see why he needs to be there during the labor and birth and yes it would make me very uncomfortable. I see no reason he needs to be there and honestly I don't think he would want to stay or be of support or anything, he just wants to come by mostly out of principle for himself I am sure. Labor and delivery is very stressful and uncomfortable to begin with, I only want the people who I know can support me the way I need to be supported. My dad is a person that will not be very understanding either. He's not cold just not a person you would want around when you're in immense pain and trying "new" things to relieve the pain.

You just need to tell him straight. My dad would not even consider seeing my baby born and personally I find it weird when male family members are in the room when people give birth....

I agree with you completely. Unless, it's the pregnant woman's husband I don't get male family members either. I don't mind them seeing us right after and being there to celebrate the baby being born afterwards but labor and delivery is whole other ball game.

I mean there are even positions like getting on all fours and rocking through the contractions, do I really want my dad or brother there while I am do this? HECK no! I don't know how would be comfortable doing that in front of their dad but I sure the heck wouldn't. Whether it's just me or it's something about the way my dad is, either way I would not be comfortable.


I know I need to tell him straight out but I would like to try to explain somewhat and I just can't seem to find the right words to explain it to him. Other than, Hey I'm gonna be on all fours rocking away and don't want you there! LOL Otherwise I don't think he'll understand.

 

[tristansmum]

Are you in us? Here in UK its virtually unheard of for your dad to be at the birth. Personally I ended up naked while pushing cause I got so hot and all different positions and screaming in pain. Don't need an audience for that! Lol

 

[Tiffylove]

Are you in us? Here in UK its virtually unheard of for your dad to be at the birth. Personally I ended up naked while pushing cause I got so hot and all different positions and screaming in pain. Don't need an audience for that! Lol

LOL, Yes I am in the US, someone needs to tell my dad about how it is in the UK.

 

[CB30]

Honestly, I would be gutted if my children didn't want me in their birthing room - yes even if it was my DS's wife/girlfriend.

Really?!? Giving birth is such an intimate and personal time, I think it should be partners only unless they want mum/others in the room! Nobody shoud out pressure on you, have who YOU want in that room!

 

[HHenderson]

Personally I would tell him your in labor but tell him they said it will be a few hours so it will give you time. Also be honest and tell him you will be naked at times possibly and you dont want him to see you like that. You can also have the nurses tell him only two extra people to the room. Your husband and mom. So that will help.

 

[Tournesol]

You absolutely should not feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do. That includes having your dad in the room! Personally, I don't want anybody except my OH.
You need to feel 100% comfortable. I think you should be straight with your dad, explain your reasons and be firm. Really, if he gets upset and can't put your feelings before his own, it's his problem.
Maybe you should tell the midwives that you don't want anyone but your mum and OH with you too?

Greenbeans, I'm sorry, but I totally disagree with you.

 

[Eline]

I agree with Tournesol. You should definitely tell the midwives how you feel. I've seen with friends how great the midwives can be handling pushy family members overstaying their welcome.

I don't agree with Greenbeans either. There is no need to have all grandparents present in the birthing room. The birth of a child is such a private moment. You should be able to enjoy it just you and your other half.

 

[OliveLove]

I would never consider having anyone other than OH and the midwife in the room (not even my mom - as close as I am with her and as much as I love her, nurses or medical students). I think It's such a sacred and intimate time that I don't need an audience for that. I feel it's as intimate as sex, so unless you like that kind of thing as spectators I would never pressure anyone - my daughter if I have one, or my daughter in law to be present during the birth of their children. I will be sitting right outside and run in the moment I can! LOL At that point you can't stop me Well, unless they ask me to be there, but I almost expect that not to happen. I guess everyone has different ideas about the whole event and this is mine

So for the OP - don't be scared about telling your dad, he will eventually understand. Don't agree to something you wouldn't be comfortable with. Like you said, you don't want your dad seeing you panting and moaning on all fours hahaha your post about that made me laugh. Good luck!

 

[Abz1982]

Honestly, I would be gutted if my children didn't want me in their birthing room - yes even if it was my DS's wife/girlfriend.

Really?!? Giving birth is such an intimate and personal time, I think it should be partners only unless they want mum/others in the room! Nobody shoud out pressure on you, have who YOU want in that room!

I didnt even want my own mother in there! But, thats cos I know she would need more support herself than she could give me. And my worse nightmare is MIL!
If I am honest I wouldnt even want OH there........would be happy with just the Midwives.

 

[Joss_Taylor]

I'm 36 weeks and I haven't figured out if my Dad plans on being there or not. He lives 3 hours away so personally, I'm not going to have someone call him until I'm about ready to push to save any awkwardness. I'm having my hubby and my mom with me. For our next one I'm only having hubby, I just figured my mom would be a help to both of us were it's our first.

 

[d_b]

My dad is just as likely to be in the birthing room as I am likely to be present at his next colonoscopy, lol! There is noooo way he'd be there, or my mom for that matter.. If I could somehow give birth with no one in the room I would do it! But like my first birth I'll have OH, a nurse, and a doctor, maybe also a resident doctor if I don't realize they're there like last time, lol.

 

[Anon Male]

OP, the choice of birth partner/supporter may have implications for how your labour progresses, as it will affect your stress levels (and the likelihood of the need for medical intervention) if you have a partner present where you are not confident that they'll be able to provide the affirmation and support that you will need during labour. Having someone around who is on the same page as you regarding the birth plan, who can confidently liaise with medical staff and can look after you and remove from you the need to concentrate on anything other than delivery will be invaluable.

If you have any doubts about your husband's ability to provide that support then now's the time to air them, and either (1) go with him on a course where he can learn about what he needs to do to support you during labour (my preference), (2) get him to read up on the subject and talk to people who have experience of delivery, or (3) pick someone else to go with you. It would be in neither of your interests for him to be there if he's uncomfortable being there, is doing it out of some sense of ritual obligation, and just feels like a kind of 'spare wheel'. He will have your health and the health of the baby at heart so whilst you obviously don't want to hurt his feelings (and therefore it may pay to be tactful and discuss it in a way that enables him to reach this conclusion himself) he will probably understand.

(Of course, this is all my opinion, so take it with a truckload of salt. I'm just going by what I've learned so far, not any real experience. I could turn out to be as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican on D-day, for all either of us know now.)

 

[SIEGAL]

Are you sure he wants to be in the birthing room? Maybe he just wants to be in there during early labor and wait in the waiting room during active labor so he can be there right after baby is born. Most fathers would not ever think to be in the room during pushing.
My dad was there in the room with me during "early" labor ( when I napped during epidural) and waited with my mother outside during active labor and the came in right away to see baby.

Maybe that is what he expects or at least a reasonable alternative to being there during active labor.

 

[Tiffylove]

If you have any doubts about your husband's ability to provide that support then now's the time to air them

I want my husband with me every step of the way. It's my own dad that I don't want there. He is used to the days where you just lay in a hospital bed the entire time through labor and thinks he can come by a few times as he stated. That's really not how I plan on laboring if I get the chance to labor (baby is currently breech and will have a scheduled c-section if he doesn't flip in the next 3 weeks) and I really will not feel comfortable laboring the way I want to with my dad in the room.

My husband and I are taking some birthing classes and he is starting to understand how big of a deal it is for me. I have voiced my desires of no one else besides him and my mother with me while I labor and I believe he would "take care of it" if anyone showed up. But even then I would know and it would still make me uncomfortable. I just want to feel safe and know that it will only be my husband and mother with me while I go through that experience.

 

[Piper84]

Are you sure he wants to be in the birthing room? Maybe he just wants to be in there during early labor and wait in the waiting room during active labor so he can be there right after baby is born. Most fathers would not ever think to be in the room during pushing.
My dad was there in the room with me during "early" labor ( when I napped during epidural) and waited with my mother outside during active labor and the came in right away to see baby.

Maybe that is what he expects or at least a reasonable alternative to being there during active labor.

To be honest, it's not about what the OP's dad wants.

The most important thing is that you are comfortable and calm during your labour and delivery. Your dad should understand this, even if he is "offended" or similar when you first tell him. It's all up to you!

 

[Tiffylove]

To be honest, it's not about what the OP's dad wants.

[/QUOTE]

Exactly! Thank you!

 

[77Tulips]

I spend most of my labours naked and wandering from the birth ball to the shower and back again intermixed with rocking and swaying. There is only ever my m/w and my DH in the room and there is no way I would want spectators for that thank-you very much. I think if you were planning on just staying in bed with an epidural and chucking everyone out when you push then maybe just maybe I would let someone in to say hi? However if you are an active birther you need to move, to feel comfortable to wander, say what you like, move how you like, wearing what you like. If the people in the room are not someone you would be comfortable having with you naked in the shower then I don't think they need to be in the room. My m/w doesn't count she's seen thousands of women in labour and that's her job, she said most of her women get hot and shuck their clothes as soon as they can.