Telling people about miscarriage

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by lindadonovan, Jun 6, 2011.

  1. lindadonovan

    lindadonovan Well-Known Member

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    I recently lost a baby at week 16. This was a 2nd trimester miscarriage. We had thought everything was going well when we found out there was no heartbeat, at my last OB appt.

    We had not told very many people I was pregnant.

    Now, we have told a few people that we lost the baby. Very close friends and family, only. The reactions are strange, to say the least.

    Some were shocked because they didn't know we were pregnant.

    One person was shocked because she couldn't believe someone my age could get pregnant, and she thought at first I was telling her about someone else's miscarriage.

    A few close friends did not reply to emails I sent them, telling them about it. Sadly, with a few people I suspect they think miscarriage is "no big deal". Yes miscarriage is a common thing, but so is death of any sort.

    OR people feel extremely uncomfortable hearing about it.

    Nobody has sent cards, however, I was planning to put any cards we received in our baby's "memory box".

    I could choose to not tell anyone, but that's hard to do. When you have been through the tragedy of losing a child, its even worse if you feel you can't tell anyone about it.
     
  2. Tonks

    Tonks Well-Known Member

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    Linda, I am so sorry for your loss. And I am sorry that those close to you have not shown very much compassion and support. Losing a child is devastating beyond comprehension and is very very lonely. I am sending love and thoughts your way and I hope those around you will surround you with love as well.
     
  3. ms.hope

    ms.hope mom of 2

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    I am sorry for your loss I had a 22 week MC and it is the hardest thing to deal with. To be honest some people simply don't know how to respond or console someone who has gone through this. You would be suprised how many people have miscarried but they keep it a secret.
     
  4. NuKe

    NuKe mummy to 2 gorgeous girls

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    I am so sorry for your loss Linda. My mc was in first tri so not quite the same, but I can understand how you feel about peoples' reactions. I had some ppl just say "yeah 1 in every 3 pregnancies ends that way". I felt like punching them right in the face. Some people genuinely don't know what to say I think. They try and think of something to say to make you feel better and don't understand that a simple "I'm so sorry" will do.

    re: the cards- honestly I would never think of sending a card to a couple who had mc'd. not because i chose not to, but because i didnt realise you wer supposed to!
     
  5. Justkeeptryin

    Justkeeptryin Mum at last

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    Im so sorry for your loss, it hurts so much. I've just went through my second which was much worse this time around at 10 weeks as I'd been for 4 scans all showing the heartbeta and at the final scan no longer a heartbeat. I can imagine how much your hurting to lose your baby at 16 week its so sad and devastating. I actually said to my mum that if I fall pregnant again Im not even going to relax when I get past the 12 week mark as sadly 2nd and 3rd tri. miscarriages still happen.
    Its really hurtful how people react, I know how I have felt. Most people have been lovely and supportive but then there have been a few people (in laws) who just completely avoid me and wont even look at me never mind acknowledge whats happened. That is the worst thing that people do.
    I try to put it down to the fact that if they havent experienced miscarriage themself so they dont know how it feels, but it is a loss of a life no matter how many weeks along we all were. People should show more compassion and I know for certain that if it happens to anyone that I now I would speak to them about it, for me I want to speak about whats happened instead of acting like its something that should be top secret. Im still having up and down days but I think its completely normal grieving. To be pregnant and be happy and excited and then its all just taken away. You will gradually start to feel better but right now its hard not to feel every emotion under the sun including anger at how people are reacting or more so less reacting. Take good care of yourself xx
     
  6. Missy

    Missy Well-Known Member

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    Sorry for your loss. I think that often people just don't know what to say or do so they either do or say something strange or nothing at all. Having just had a mc myself I don't even know how I want people to react to be honest. It's a very confusing time emotionally isn't it? Take care x
     
  7. KateC

    KateC Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry. It really is terribly hard to miscarry -- and all the more devastating when it's late and you're that much more invested in it.

    Keep telling people. I completely understand what you're talking about, because nobody knew I was pregnant when I was going through my miscarriage. I had kept it a secret to avoid having to tell everyone if it went wrong -- but that left me with zero support! Telling people was a tremendously important part of my healing process.

    It is true that people don't always know how to respond to something like that, and please don't feel bad about not getting cards, because that's just a cultural thing. We don't have a long-established tradition of ceremony surrounding miscarriages in our culture, so people are probably not going to send cards. Nobody did for me, but I did find people who were really supportive in other ways that mattered a great deal.

    People who haven't had miscarriages, unless they are very sympathetic by nature, will probably not understand what you're going through. Some people who HAVE had miscarriages still won't understand what you're going through, because they had theirs early and we all deal with these things differently. Honestly, my second miscarriage wasn't as hard as my first for a whole host of reasons, and if it were my only one, I might not get it talking to a woman who was grieving her loss.

    But if you tell enough people that you're mourning a loss of your pregnancy, eventually you're going to tell a woman who holds your hand, looks into your eyes and says, "I've been there, and it is SO hard." She's going to be able to give you the kind of support that even your husband can't give.

    For me, the turning point was when I heard, through the grapevine, that an acquaintance was going through exactly what I went through, just a few weeks behind me. I reached out to her and she accepted my support, and helping her through her grief was more helpful to me than anything anyone else had given me or offered me or said to me before.

    So keep telling people. Even though it's hard. And try to forgive them for not knowing what to say. It's kindof an exclusive club, this miscarriage business, and if you're not in it you probably don't know how to respond. But it isn't a small club, so just keep asking until you find the people who say and do the right things. And keep coming here, because if you can't find them IRL, then at least there's the internet!

    Good luck. Love and strength to you. I promise it gets better.
     
  8. lindadonovan

    lindadonovan Well-Known Member

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    I wish we could have had a funeral and buried our child. I know that some will disagree with that. But that is how I feel. I wish our child could have been recognized as a living person. The body was sent to pathology after the D&C, and they are still trying to determine the cause of death.
     

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