This is going to be long, sorry ....
Perhaps you could explain to him that it's a two-way street? If he is willing to man up and pay adequate child support, get clean and be a good father figure for the baby, he may deserve a chance to co-parent with you. If he can't meet those expectations, the consequence is not being involved in the baby's life. Explain to him that NOW is the time to prove to you that he can and will do it. Perhaps starting a savings account for baby is a good place to start? He can begin depositing an agreed upon amount each month during your pregnancy as a show of good faith. That money can be an emergency fun for baby, or future presents, education, whatever you agree on. If he can't or won't, that is very telling about future child support. Honestly, maybe this is his chance to turn his life around and make the right decisions. By giving him that opportunity, you are giving your child a chance to know his or her biological father. It's really up to him what he does with that, but I think you owe it to yourself and to your baby to try. If he flunks, well, you can move forward with a clean conscience knowing that you did everything you could.
Using your surname is entirely fair and though he may be hurt by it, you can explain there will be plenty of opportunities in the future to be a part of the baby's life in a more meaningful way than just a name. I would compromise on first or middle name, out of good faith. You can both come up with lists and rank them 1-20. You might agree on #10, but at least neither of you hates it. Keep making lists until something sticks - I know married people that have to do this to avoid conflict! The thing with naming kids is, you won't hate the name once baby is born because that name comes to represent the love of your life!
It is also entirely fair for him to not be in the room for the birth. Assuming he has manned up during your pregnancy, I do believe he deserves to know when you go into labor. He should be allowed to see his son or daughter following birth as a reward for doing everything you ask during the pregnancy. If he doesn't man up, well, missing the birth is a consequence.
Just like it's a two-way street for him, now is a good time for you to be patient and understanding. This is a lot for a man to take who wasn't trying to have a kid. You are essentially strangers and he could be having a hard time coping. I really would give him a chance, offer some benefit of the doubt, and make an effort to develop a friendship with him during your pregnancy. In the long run, you could gain a great partner in co-parenting. Worse case scenario, nothing changes, right?
The key is communication! If you struggle in person, write each other letters/emails. Easier to get your point across without saying things either of you regrets.
I've been following your story and wish you luck. I hope this advice isn't too intrusive, as that is not my intention. You got yourself in this situation and I admire that you are consistently reaching out for advice and assurance rather than all the other negative reactions someone else in your position could be having. Hugs!
.
