The first night alone

[rockstarlove9]

This is the first night I've been alone since I found out I was miscarrying. Honestly it's the first night I've been alone since I started spotting and knew something was wrong. I've avoided this night for a week and half because I know the pain it brings. This is my second miscarriage in six months. The first one almost broke me I just wanted to die and be with my baby it just didn't seem fair. This one I haven't went to that dark place and avoidance it seems has been key to keeping me from it. But there's no avoidance tonight just me and my feelings and my guilt. I feel like it's my fault I lost this one because I wouldn't let myself get to attached wouldn't let myself think about a future with the baby because I was so scared I would lose it. I feel like God thought I wasn't great full for this gift this miracle. I have pcos the docs told me that I wouldn't be able to conceive a child without the help of fertility drugs and God said otherwise. My body did what it was supposed to do on its own. Then it started doing other things. I'm so angry I mean I'm trying not to be I'm just so damn angry I'm angry with myself for not throwing my whole self in this and having faith that God wouldn't give me this blessing to take it away. I'm pissed with myself because I didn't have faith in my self or my body. I know that it sounds ridiculous but this is honestly how I feel. I've had three Mcs and it's really messing with me that o have contractions and the whole nine just to come out bleeding like a slaughtered pig with no baby and a broken heart. In trying so hard not to back to the dark place the last miscarriage took me and it's coming anyway. It just sucks because it's like a slow leak versus a total melt down. At first I thought I was just disassociated with the whole situation and then I felt guilty because I wasn't a wreck but I'm realizing I'm not and its hurting me emotionally just like the last one. I'm just scared that when I do have a melt down it'll be to catastrophic and I'm scared of how that ends

 

[~curiosity~]

So sorry hunnie, totally understand where you're coming from I'm having my second and thought it was going better than the last but tonight I'm completely broken, angry and devastated. You're not alone, here if you need to chat xxx

 

[rockstarlove9]

So sorry hunnie, totally understand where you're coming from I'm having my second and thought it was going better than the last but tonight I'm completely broken, angry and devastated. You're not alone, here if you need to chat xxx

thank you

 

[rockstarlove9]

So sorry hunnie, totally understand where you're coming from I'm having my second and thought it was going better than the last but tonight I'm completely broken, angry and devastated. You're not alone, here if you need to chat xxx

Im sorry for your loss it sucks going through recurrent miscarriages because everyone asks why does it keep happening. They dont get that if we knew why it was happening we wouldnt keep miscarrying

 

[Jencocoa]

I'm so terribly sorry for your pain. I wholeheartedly do not believe this is God punishing you for not being grateful. And this is in no way at all your fault. You tried to disassociate to protect yourself, to survive the pain. You found out that the pain was still there. That's OK. I'm so terribly sorry for your pain. I wholeheartedly do not believe this is God punishing you for not being grateful. And this is in no way at all your fault. You tried to disassociate to protect yourself, to survive the pain. You found out that the pain was still there. That's OK. You love your babies, both your babies, and this is not your fault and I know it hurts and you will miss them and I'm so sorry.

 

[rockstarlove9]

I'm so terribly sorry for your pain. I wholeheartedly do not believe this is God punishing you for not being grateful. And this is in no way at all your fault. You tried to disassociate to protect yourself, to survive the pain. You found out that the pain was still there. That's OK. I'm so terribly sorry for your pain. I wholeheartedly do not believe this is God punishing you for not being grateful. And this is in no way at all your fault. You tried to disassociate to protect yourself, to survive the pain. You found out that the pain was still there. That's OK. You love your babies, both your babies, and this is not your fault and I know it hurts and you will miss them and I'm so sorry.

Thank you I really needed that