The LTTTC thread for everyone.

[Jennifer01]

HA- will you have your protocol changes for this coming IVF cycle?

Yep.

In the past I've been on a short antagonist protocol - no down-reg, start stims on cd3, add ganirelix when the follies reach a certain size, trigger when ready. This time I'm on a long estrogen priming antagonist protocol. DH and I both took 10 days of antibiotics starting on cd1, then I used OPKs to watch for the LH surge (it'll be tomorrow). At 10dpo I start estrace, at 11dpo I add ganirelix, at 14dpo I stop the ganirelix (but keep the estrace going) and wait for AF. Then on cd2 I stop the estrace and go in for baseline bloodwork and u/s, start stims on cd3, add ganirelix when the follies reach a certain size, trigger when ready.

The change has me a little anxious because a) I'm an excessive worrier and b) I've always responded well to the old protocol and have had a good blast rate (I just haven't gotten pg with a sticky), and what if I don't respond as well to the new protocol? On the other hand, what if I respond better? I just don't like not knowing what's going to happen... which pretty much makes me a certifiably crazy infertile woman, since infertility means NEVER knowing what to expect!!

Doesn't ltttc automatically make you a worrier?
I hope the new protocol does the trick, you are VERY deserving of some great news

 

[peacebaby]

Hi guys

Have you guys tried melatonin? It's natural

Hi Milty

I was thinking of asking here about peoples experience with melatonin before getting some. I've heard its also good for egg quality. Have you tried it?
3:22am I'm still awake, it's madness!

Crystal I'm avoiding sleeping pills too. Besides I simply cannot and will not add another bloody pill to my 17-pill cocktail.

Ready last week at my dr's for the IV there were 2 other ladies for immune treatment and we got chatting. One of them like me is ttc'ing her first, unfortunately she lost 4 babies, all in 2nd tri (scary stuff!). The other lady has 2 kids and is trying the immune treatment after early losses. Lady no1 couldn't understand why lady no2 with kids wanted another baby and was putting herself through so much agony & expenses to have another. She tried to explain that she still feels the yearning for another child for various reasons. Lady no1 just didn't get it and lady no2 ended up looking sad that she wasn't being understood. I thought of you

Bmom, I can appreciate how focusing on weight loss and exercise has put ttc at the back of your mind. I'm on a similar mission and focusing on it has given me a hint of freedom from ttc craziness. You sound so content

HA, glad to hear the polyop has been dealt with . I agree with you that it may have in some indirect way been the issue. I've heard Dr Sher say it can cause compromised bloodflow to those areas where implantation is most likely to happen. Here's hoping that this was all you needed and the new cycle is the one! Like you I couldn't live with myself wondering if there was something that may have worked, that's what drives me forward. But if a dr tells me with absolute finality there is no medicine or procedure on the planet that may work for me, then yes I'd be more inclined to call it a day. I guess trying everything there is vs not doing that translates into the possibility of motherhood vs nothing.

 

[Milty]

I think there is something wrong with me mentally ...I'm afraid to go to sleep

 

[HappyAuntie]

Oh you will get your BFP too just in a different unpredictable more expensive way than them

And that's where I lose the faith... even if I get another BFP, which isn't guaranteed, my history makes it hard for me to imagine or believe that anything positive will come of it.

But I keep at it - I won't let that particular fear stop me. I don't want any decision to stop ttc to come because I'm afraid of another loss. If I stop trying, I have zero chance of having a baby... if I keep trying, yes there's a chance of another loss but there's also a chance of a baby, even when I have a hard time believing that myself.

 

[Milty]

HA I think you are very well grounded

 

[HappyAuntie]

I think there is something wrong with me mentally ...I'm afraid to go to sleep

have you tried journaling before bed? Just getting all the thoughts and worries out of your head so they're not running around in there while you're trying to fall asleep? It helps me a lot....

HA I think you are very well grounded

It's called infertility counseling and anti-depressants - I really do think I would have given up on all this long ago without those two things. But thank you.

 

[crystal443]

HA-I think you worded it perfectly if we don't try it can't happen, yet there's still the fear to keep going because of the losses

Your new protocol might do the trick I am very very nervous about trying anymore IVF because we can't even get to fertilsation. I've talked myself out of doing it in Nov 100 times now IVF requires so much mentally and physically, the thought of it makes me anxious It is the unknown

Milty- Why are you afraid to sleep? Because of the dreams you keep having?

Peace- LTTTC is so difficult kids or not but I do understand that it is different for someone with no kids at the end of the day if I have no more kids I am lucky to have the 2 that I do but I also get how heartbreaking it is to want just one more and be trying month after month for years and nothing Its a hard road either way

 

[Milty]

Yup that's exactly why...I've not slept good for about 5 nights

 

[readyformore]

I really want to lie and say I am great but I really am struggling a bit. I'm trying to enjoy every day that goes by that I'm pg but I guess the struggle to get here has messed with my head and made me terrified that my scan will still show an empty sac. Believe me I appreciate where I am I'm just so scared. I know you ladies will understand.

To be completely honest, I don't even think that I was very excited with my first pregnancy. After infertility at such a young age and 4 IUIs, I truly thought that my body would fail me and I would never be able to deliver a live healthy baby. It sounds strange to have worked so hard for something and then to not be overjoyed, but I was TERRIFIED!!

The first time I said, "I'm pregnant", I was 14 weeks along. Prior to that, I just kept saying, "My last IUI worked."
If anyone brought up the subject of pregnancy/baby, I immediately changed the topic. My aunts were concerned about my lack of enthusiasm and spoke to my mom about it.
At 25 weeks, an acquaintance asked about my impending baby shower. I was appalled. How could she possibly talk about something that might not ever happen for me? And I was obviously pregnant and wearing maternity clothes. How effed up was I? My mom kept trying to schedule that shower and I pushed it back over and over again until I was nearly 36 weeks.

Of all my pregnancies, my infertility pregnancy gave me the most post-partum depression and it took me the longest to bond with him. I don't know if it was related to infertility or not, each pregnancy and bonding experience is completely different, but I have a guess that my infertility from 2 years before played a part even in his infancy.

So yeah, I understand what you are talking about.

I have to add though, that it does go away, most of it anyway. He's almost 10 now and until I was doing IUI recently, I would forget that he was conceived that way. It's just not something that I think about every day. He's now a normal person, not a figment of my imagination, (last night was his first soccer practice of the season and he looked so stinking cute with his flushed cheeks and sweaty head, lol. He was so excited). Anyway, eventually, the baby/child will make it morph into normalcy.

 

[readyformore]

I've been thinking about sharing a story from work. It's a wonderful story, but I've hesitated in sharing it because the woman I'm going to talk about never has a successful pregnancy. I've thought about it for a long time, and most of us seem to be realistic here and we know that not everyone that ttc gets a baby, so I've decided to share it........



She is currently 43. Her husband is in his late forties. For a decade prior she had struggled with pregnancy loss, and as she called it, "dealt with every fertility treatment under the sun."
She never has a child and at the age of 40, she prepares to live child-free. She starts to make peace with never having a child and she lets go of those dreams.

Fast-forward to age 43. She has a co-worker that approaches her one day. The co-worker tells her that her boyfriend's granddaughter just found out she is 5 months pregnant. She's a teenager, feels she is a kid herself and can't possibly care for a baby. The father of the baby claims to have 5 kids from 5 different women and wants nothing to do with the baby, he claims it's not his, (nice!). The co-worker asks this lady if she would be interested in adopting the baby; she feels they would be perfect to raise this baby.

The couple chat and they decide to at least meet this pregnant girl. She's young, healthy, not addicted to drugs.......just pregnant. One thing leads to another and they decide to adopt this baby. They go to all of the doctor appointments and even attend the birth of the baby. The birth mom tells the adoptive couple that they are doing HER a huge favor by adopting the baby.

The adoptive couple never thought about adoption prior to this. They hadn't sought out an attorney or done a home study or contacted an agency. In fact, the woman told me after holding her adopted child, "I don't know why I was so insistent that our child be genetically related to us." It was a private adoption, no adoption agency was involved. It was just one person seeking out this specific couple. Not just anyone, but this couple.

The adoptive couple was 100% giddy, over the moon, IN LOVE with their baby. I couldn't help but think that it was similar to an unexpected pregnancy, but it was an unexpected baby instead.

You know I'm not one to give out hope........but it really does make you think that you just never know what's going to happen and maybe, just maybe it will all work out in the end.

Hope that's not too cheesy , but it really was a fabulous experience to care for all of them.

 

[peacebaby]

You know I'm not one to give out hope........but it really does make you think that you just never know what's going to happen and maybe, just maybe it will all work out in the end.

Hope that's not too cheesy , but it really was a fabulous experience to care for all of them.

What a story! Thanks for sharing Ready. That's what i hang onto when the going gets tough-you just never know whats going to happen.....it could come to you in any form and at any time.

HA, i've always thought ladies who do IVF are incredibly brave to go through all that medication and intervention. Reading what your new protocol will be makes you all the more so. I would be useless at dealing with that protocol, i'm in awe that you are so grounded about it and no anti-depressant could give you that, it must come from within you. I am keeping everything crossed that you will respond better than with the previous protocol! And hey, if Dr Beer was right then those anti-d's may well serve a double purpose and help your beanie stick & grow strong

Milty your dreams may be a good omen I only ever dream of babies in the early stages of pregnancy.

Jen your anxiety is totally understandable and normal. Infertility demolishes any sense of trust & expectation in one's body. Praying that your scan is all good xxx

 

[Jennifer01]

I really want to lie and say I am great but I really am struggling a bit. I'm trying to enjoy every day that goes by that I'm pg but I guess the struggle to get here has messed with my head and made me terrified that my scan will still show an empty sac. Believe me I appreciate where I am I'm just so scared. I know you ladies will understand.

To be completely honest, I don't even think that I was very excited with my first pregnancy. After infertility at such a young age and 4 IUIs, I truly thought that my body would fail me and I would never be able to deliver a live healthy baby. It sounds strange to have worked so hard for something and then to not be overjoyed, but I was TERRIFIED!!

The first time I said, "I'm pregnant", I was 14 weeks along. Prior to that, I just kept saying, "My last IUI worked."
If anyone brought up the subject of pregnancy/baby, I immediately changed the topic. My aunts were concerned about my lack of enthusiasm and spoke to my mom about it.
At 25 weeks, an acquaintance asked about my impending baby shower. I was appalled. How could she possibly talk about something that might not ever happen for me? And I was obviously pregnant and wearing maternity clothes. How effed up was I? My mom kept trying to schedule that shower and I pushed it back over and over again until I was nearly 36 weeks.

Of all my pregnancies, my infertility pregnancy gave me the most post-partum depression and it took me the longest to bond with him. I don't know if it was related to infertility or not, each pregnancy and bonding experience is completely different, but I have a guess that my infertility from 2 years before played a part even in his infancy.

So yeah, I understand what you are talking about.

I have to add though, that it does go away, most of it anyway. He's almost 10 now and until I was doing IUI recently, I would forget that he was conceived that way. It's just not something that I think about every day. He's now a normal person, not a figment of my imagination, (last night was his first soccer practice of the season and he looked so stinking cute with his flushed cheeks and sweaty head, lol. He was so excited). Anyway, eventually, the baby/child will make it morph into normalcy.

Thank you thank you thank you!!!
I feel bad and like I'm not grateful for my bfp-I'm over the moon grateful for it, still shocked and amazed. But terrified. I knew if I talked about it here someone would get it.

 

[Milty]

Jen - I think we all understand

Peace- I was the same way with DS and had dreams early on in fact it is why I tested. This time however I think I'm just trying to torment myself. But I will confess I keep telling myself I'm pg I just know it.

It's really annoying and stupid. I don't even know if I ovulated. Only the research setting gives me crosshairs. I've not even really had my normal progesterone signs. One of the ways I know that I O is those signs. Those signs show up at 6dpo but nothing yet

Not to mention if I did O it as early so my timing as bad. FF gives me a low score for both CD 10 & 12.


I have not done this mental trick to myself in ages years infact. I think it's because I was hopeful his cycle.

I almost told some I was pg today because they were painting at my office and I couldn't be around it.

 

[Jennifer01]

Jen - I think we all understand

Peace- I was the same way with DS and had dreams early on in fact it is why I tested. This time however I think I'm just trying to torment myself. But I will confess I keep telling myself I'm pg I just know it.

It's really annoying and stupid. I don't even know if I ovulated. Only the research setting gives me crosshairs. I've not even really had my normal progesterone signs. One of the ways I know that I O is those signs. Those signs show up at 6dpo but nothing yet

Not to mention if I did O it as early so my timing as bad. FF gives me a low score for both CD 10 & 12.


I have not done this mental trick to myself in ages years infact. I think it's because I was hopeful his cycle.

I almost told some I was pg today because they were painting at my office and I couldn't be around it.

Ohhh Milty this is getting promising! When will you test?

 

[peacebaby]

Yeah Milty maybe you're not getting those progesterone signs because you're not having that hyper-ovulation anymore, less follies but more mature? The dreams can be torturous i know, i read somewhere that they're caused by the surge of hormones thats why they're so vivid. Dont know whether thats true or not.

I'm confused about OV too and i think we got the timing totally wrong. Just my luck the one cycle i have all the meds in the world is the one cycle i'll get it wrong I got a smiley face on the clearblue test Monday night but ewcm only today

 

[Milty]

As soon as I read your post I was like ... Nooo.... Bring me back to reality

 

[Milty]

Ok I just have to say I love you guys...

I think we see each others stuff better than we see our own.


You are sooo right Peace and I hadnt even thought of it. Of course my progesterone is lower I had half the follies

Peace did you stop testing after you got a positive?
Is it possible you surged for one day and now you O 48hours after surge...which is very normal

 

[HappyAuntie]

HA, i've always thought ladies who do IVF are incredibly brave to go through all that medication and intervention. Reading what your new protocol will be makes you all the more so. I would be useless at dealing with that protocol, i'm in awe that you are so grounded about it and no anti-depressant could give you that, it must come from within you. I am keeping everything crossed that you will respond better than with the previous protocol! And hey, if Dr Beer was right then those anti-d's may well serve a double purpose and help your beanie stick & grow strong

I think because I progressed slowly to the point of trying IVF, it wasn't as overwhelming as it might have been otherwise. Don't get me wrong - I was terrified of that first IVF cycle and we waited probably 6 months longer than we should have to start it because I was so intimidated by the thought of it (not to mention being completely in denial and not wanting to face or accept that we needed it). But by that time I'd already done 6 cycles with injectables, so really the process of IVF wasn't all that different.... I think if I'd come into it as a young woman with nothing wrong but two blocked tubes and gone straight from infertility investigation into IVF, the process might have been much more overwhelming. But instead of having to jump in at the deep end, I started out dipping one toe in and walked slowly into the water of infertility treatments until it was up to my neck, and now I'm looking around wondering how in the hell I got here....

As for the anti-d's, I must admit I read that conversation with great interest. Starting them was not a decision I took lightly, and like IVF, I waited far too long to start them because I was more afraid of potential ramifications on ttc than I was afraid of the depression. In retrospect I should have been on them for years - depression and anxiety are something that have plagued me since childhood, really, and now that I see how hard I was working just to get by (and thinking I was fine at the time), I have no desire to ever stop taking them. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared that they could have a negative effect on ttc/pregnancy... I'll take any bit of info I can get that reassures me that it's not a problem and possibly even good to be on them.

Jen your anxiety is totally understandable and normal. Infertility demolishes any sense of trust & expectation in one's body. Praying that your scan is all good xxx

YES. We've all been robbed of the innocent joy of pregnancy. I think your feelings are completely normal, Jen.

I read a study not too long ago looking at parental stress and depression among parents of twins... it found that parents of twins born as a result of treatments reported significantly higher levels of stress, anxiety and depression than parents of twins conceived without intervention. The suspicion is that parents of treatment twins feel some level of guilt on top of the normal stress of twin parenting, a feeling that they have no right to complain about their stress or seek outside help with the babies because they brought this on themselves, so to speak, by going through treatments when they knew the risk of multiples, that they wanted kids so badly that how dare they complain about the kids or the changes they brought into their lives... so they feel they must carry the burden alone and in silence. Parents of twins conceived naturally don't have that extra baggage they're carrying around.

I think that can be extrapolated to all aspects of parenting after IF... it's easy for us to feel guilty for not farting rainbows and enjoying every second of pregnancy and parenting because this is what we wanted, right? As an IF veteran, you know more than most people will ever know about all the ways things can go wrong during pregnancy, and it's impossible to just lay that knowledge down now that you're pregnant. Give yourself permission to be more scared than excited right now. The less you try to fight that feeling, the easier it will go away. And take it from those who know what parenting after IF is like - if Ready tells us it will go away eventually, it will go away eventually.

 

[readyformore]

Peace, it sounds like you haven't O'd yet right? Better too early than too late, just have a date night tonight.

Milty- a few months ago, ff wouldn't even give me crosshairs and I know I O'd. Actually, I think it was the femara that I had taken the month before, it threw off the temps. But, I don't trust ff anyway.
Dreams are a strange bugger. You're probably dreaming about babies now because when you fall asleep you're thinking, "I wonder if I will dream about babies again."

My 7y/o is in a cycle of nightmares right now. About 5 in the past 2 weeks. I think it's caused from the transition to school and now he's stuck thinking about bad dreams. Last week, he woke me up to hop into bed with me and he interrupted a dream I was having about cake! I still remember it was a yellow cake and I was using one of those things they have on the infomercials. It was like one of those brownie cutters. I don't even have one, but it's a plastic grid and you just place it over the cake, push down and all of the pieces come out perfectly cut and even. Maybe I'll go bake one!

 

[Bravemom]

Sorry I haven't been on in a few days ,hope everyone is well ,it's nearly the weekend