There should've been another car seat...

[dimplesmagee]

There's not a day that goes by that something doesn't remind me that I lost two babies within 3 months of each other. May 12 was my first baby's due date. I was driving in the car with my 1.5 year old, imagining there being another car seat there. There should've been another car seat. August 22 will be my 2nd due date. I will be getting ready to celebrate my son's 2nd b-day.

I have been temping the last few months. But after I was three days late this cycle with so many symptoms, I've lost all will to do that now. Maybe I am trying to gain my innocense back of pregnancy. Impossible I know, but I can try. My husband has been gone for the past two weeks. I miss him. Next week I think I will be ovulating. I am trying to not think about it and try to just have fun and enjoy each other.

I so badly want to be pregnant. But being pregnant brings about a whirl-wind of emotions all in itself. A few weeks ago I was with a few of my friends. The began talking about a family who had lost their little girl at 6 months old or something like that. They then began talking about how hard it must be to loose a baby at 7 months pregnant. The way they talked made it sound like the were belittling what I went through. One girl looked at me and said "Not to say what you went through wasn't hard." Then they went on to talk about how "You've already told everyone, and you are excited, making plans." I couldn't speak. My heart was pounding outside my chest. Last night, I was telling this story to someone, and I realized how much this conversation was still hurting me. One of these girls do not have any children, and the other has a little girl.

One should not compare pain or loss. Pain is pain, loss is loss. My 2nd pregnancy I saw my little boy's heartbeat, for a period of time he was alive and with both pregnancies we were excited, and making plans...just hurts.

So, maybe I should start a journal. Thank you for reading. I needed to write tonight.

 

[LittleBird]

I'm sorry you're hurting tonight. I'm about 5 weeks away from the due date of my 1st MC. I have always tried to push down those feelings. I don't think I really let myself experience that loss, just threw myself into other things until I could TTC again. The missing car seat is just one of many reminders of the plans, the happiness and excitement.

I hope your DH gets home soon and the two of you can have some time together.

You're absolutely right about pain and loss. I believe we're all broken in different ways and we become whole when we love and care for one another. I hope you feel everyone reaching out to you and giving you virtual hugs. And if you start a journal, I'll stalk it!

 

[BetsyRN]

I really feel for you. I am coming up my original due date next month and its hard to think about how different my life would be right now if I were preparing for my baby's arrival...and it's even harder to think I won't even get to have another one for at least 10 more months. I was supposed to have a baby by now.

I hate it when people think that you can only be sad about losing a pregnancy if you've told people or decorated a nursery. I think some people just don't understand unless they've been through it themselves; they're just not capable of empathy. Please don't let the words of a few get you down...they're probably the same dumb people that say things like "You're huge! You having twins?" when you're 8 months pregnant with one baby. Seriously, I know it must be terrible when people close to you don't seem to be very understanding. One of best friends basically complained about me not being myself after my ectopic; not that she was worried about me being sad but that I wasn't as fun to be around! I'm still not sure I've forgiven her for that...

Definitely keep posting...there are lots of people here that will support you!

 

[LadyKate1980]

I'm so sorry for your losses.
I agree with you, that a loss is a loss...but people grieve differently. We lost our Jimmy boy at 36 weeks...went in to the hospital and no heartbeat. He was stillborn after 16 hours of labor. We had a miscarriage a few months later at 8 weeks and then less than a month later got pregnant with our little Rebecca Lane...sadly, my cervix gave out and she was born too soon at 23 weeks and 3 days and died in my arms after about an hour.
I grieved hard for my Jimmy and my Becca, but not for my miscarriage...why? Because I went into that pregnancy with the full knowledge that I could lose the pregnancy and so I was not surprised or shocked when I miscarried...I also had not allowed myself to hope and dream very much in that short time that I knew I was pregnant. Even now, I do not grieve my MC because I compare it to holding my dead babies in my arms, and for me, its just not the same.
However, loss is different for everyone and you cannot apply a blanket rule on grief. I have known women who suffered a loss at 20 weeks and were not nearly as devastated as some women I know who have miscarried at 6 weeks.
Whether you lose a baby full term or lose a baby shortly after conception, you are still losing a child and you are still losing your whole future with that child and all your hopes and dreams for that little one die along with him or her.
I don't think its fair for anyone to assume that one person's pain is more deserving than another just because of gestational length...as Dr. Seuss said: "A person is a person, no matter how small."
You're babies were real, and they were yours, and your pain is no more or less significant than any other mother who has lost a child, no matter at what point in the pregnancy.

Sorry for talking so much. I just wanted you to see things from another perspective, while still agreeing with you that a loss is a loss no matter what and your pain and your feelings and your memories and your lost hopes and dreams are absolutely valid, no matter what anyone else says or implies.

 

[hannpin]

i'm really sorry, I have no words of advice beacuse I cant think straight right now, but just weanted to send you some xxx

 

[JulianasMommy]

people can be so inconsiderate. My own mother told me 2 weeks after my mc that it was about time to get over it...wth... so sorry for your losses and we are here for you.

 

[dimplesmagee]

Thank you ladykate for your perspective. I am so sorry for your losses, and I appreciate your comment so much!

Littlebird-I was so busy last week, that I think last night my due date and those girls comments, and missing my husband all crept up on me at the same time. I'm doing ok today, if only these stupid headaches would go away! I pray for strength in the coming 5 weeks, as you approach your due date. I guess I needed to allow myself to grieve, instead I got wrapped up in what other people said about the situation.

Betsy-from your clicker it sounds like you have gone through quite the journey as well. I pray that you will find strength leading up to your due date, and that conceiving your next child will go smoothly!

Julianasmommy-I'm sorry you were unable to find support from your mom at such a difficult time. My OH actually said that to me about a month after our 1rst MC. He knew better not to say it a 2nd time. Like ladykate said, we all handle grief/loss differently. And I know too that if one hasn't experienced a MC at any point, they can easily remove themselves from the situation, b/c it is not their experience. And I cannot blame them for that, but I can ask for them to be more sensitive.

Thanks ladies. I'm feeling better today. Just wishing my headaches would disappear!

 

[mummyk2b]

hi dimplesmagee

i'm so pleased to read you are feeling better today. you're right... sometimes you just need to give into it to feel a little relief.

i hope your headaches disappear too... and then you can countdown to your hubby coming home!x