Things you should NEVER say to the mother of a Preemie

[Crayz]

"Omg. He/She is SOOOOoooo tiny!"

I had a woman come up to my daughter's incubator and actually say this to me. She was a friend of one of the other mothers.

I wanted to clock this woman in the baby maker.

Like, "Oh really? Is she? I didn't notice that my daughter was only 3 lbs."

 

[dizz]

I didn't mind the "oooh tiny" thing that much - when it was done nicely. When it was done in the street after discharge and it was done in a more "ooh look freakshow" type way - THEN it really bugged the snot outta me - I'd always rather people came up and asked what weight/gestation she was etc and got the story straight than assuming (even if it DID mean that doing the weekly shop took hours)!

The one that really really really annoyed me was MIL, when she got to see her for the first time - who just melodramatically burst into floods of tears and started weeping and wailing. Thanks, we really needed support in dealing with mentally processing all that had happened - and you just decided to hijack the moment with bloody theatrics. Then you have my mother who responded in a much more "oh she's beautiful, tiny, but look at her beautiful perfect mouth" way - which is what we actually needed - just the acceptance that she WAS a stunningly beautiful baby (yes I'm biased), just in extra extra small.

The other one that always irked me a bit, but I know was well intentioned was her head control which basically took off at the same rate it would for a normal baby - meaning that for quite a while you had this baby that looked newer than a newborn, but actually had the head control of a 2 month old - and you'd get little old ladies tutting disapproval that (as far as they thought) you weren't handling her like a newborn baby! I just started getting into the habit of smiling, winking and saying "she's not as young as you think she is."

 

[toothfairyx]

I used to get really razzed with people telling me I was lucky I wouldn't have stretch marks with them being so small , as if I would really give 2 hoots about that with everything going on!

 

[Springflower]

People treating my babies like they were a museum piece. I didn't mind if people ask to have a look at the girls but when ppl just walked up to them and start commenting drove me nuts!! Because I had two babies it would sometimes happen before I could get to the other incubator. Grrr!!!

 

[chelseav1213]

My preemie was 7 lbs 1 oz at birth.. I hate when people say "why isn't he home? Hes a normal size baby.. is it because of your diabetes?" Ugh! No! Its because he was born 5 weeks early! Makes me feel like its my fault hes in here!

 

[lgc]

Oh yes, the 'isn't he tiny' comments really grind sometimes. I stopped adding on the 'but he was premature' line when people asked how old he was but it just attracted more stares and comments, so I'm back to "He's 4 months but he was 2 months premature" which usually satisfies. Funny thing he seems huge to us now (8lb 14oz, was 2lb 12 at birth).

Another comment that always gets right up my nose is "Oh but lots of babies get reflux"....as if I have nothing to complain about. Really? Have all those other babies not been able to lie down AT ALL for 3 months??? (Sorry rant over - his reflux is finally getting under control now we're on right formula / meds but im still a bit raw about it clearly!)

 

[Crayz]

Oh. I constantly feel like I have to explain to people why my daughter is so small..

Now I just do it so they'll feel like an ass for commenting on her size.

Like, "Oh, we'll she was born premature because she wasn't growing and then we found out she has two heart defects and horrible acid reflux, which makes her gag and power vomit several times a day."

Then they're just speechless, and I go on about my grocery shopping. It takes me double the time it used to because people stop me to comment on her size every aisle.

 

[MegnJoe]

Thank u for posting this. I was on my way down to another thread when it caught my eye. A mom was shopping today and I asked how old her lo was after she asked the age of mine, she said 3 months..I said oh my, he's tiny! I said it with a smile, but she kinda half smiled at me and kinda shuffled off. I feel like a dumb cow now! I am sorry. I just didn't realize but I do now!! And your babies are beautiful! I'm sorry again. I won't ever say that again. I will replace tiny with cute or just stfu haha.

 

[Crayz]

Megnjoe-that's very sweet, and thank you!

Your daughter is beautiful as well!

It's just a rant, and don't beat yourself up about it!

I'd have to say the comments are more heartbreaking than they are annoying. I can't speak for anyone else, it's just sad for me because I wish I had a full term healthy baby, but I didn't. It's hard to have to feel like you have to explain it to everyone because they look at you like you did something wrong.

 

[MegnJoe]

I could never imagine thinking a preemie was born because the mother did something wrong! anyone who thinks that is case is an A hole.

 

[dizz]

I could never imagine thinking a preemie was born because the mother did something wrong! anyone who thinks that is case is an A hole.

Oh there's one regular (and bonkers) contributor to the comments section of the Daily Mail who in the last month has insisted that incubators steal the souls of the babies inside them, and loves to go on a "parents deserved it" rant everytime there's a story about a preemie in there.

If they weren't quite blatantly bonkers I'd be offended.

 

[MegnJoe]

I could never imagine thinking a preemie was born because the mother did something wrong! anyone who thinks that is case is an A hole.

Oh there's one regular (and bonkers) contributor to the comments section of the Daily Mail who in the last month has insisted that incubators steal the souls of the babies inside them, and loves to go on a "parents deserved it" rant everytime there's a story about a preemie in there.

If they weren't quite blatantly bonkers I'd be offended.

Haha! U know these ppl have something wrong with them right?! My uncle is mentally ill, and he won't eat chicken. He believes he will die if it touches his plate. It's a psychosis! Stealing the souls huh? How about holding them in? I try to talk to my uncle about changing his perspective but my mom said I must be insane too repeating the sane thing expecting a different result lol! There's no talking to these types of ppl. I will have to look into the daily mail for a good laugh!

 

[AP]

My soul is stolen then Some would agree

 

[MegnJoe]

My soul is stolen then Some would agree

Lol!

 

[whistle]

The other one that always irked me a bit, but I know was well intentioned was her head control which basically took off at the same rate it would for a normal baby - meaning that for quite a while you had this baby that looked newer than a newborn, but actually had the head control of a 2 month old - and you'd get little old ladies tutting disapproval that (as far as they thought) you weren't handling her like a newborn baby! I just started getting into the habit of smiling, winking and saying "she's not as young as you think she is."

When my LO was 3 or 4 months old, I took him to a baby group, and this other mum, who had a 9 month old and thus was queen of all the wombs told me 'you shouldn't hold him like that, Hold him like this'. I just turned away because I was so angry that she just assumed he'd plopped out yesterday and I hadn't been holding him - very comfortably, actually - for months already.

 

[sethsmummy]

I didn't have a preemie but can sympathise with you hun. I constantly got that about my son along with howearly was he,,,, urm he wasn't, he was late... followed by their "omg are you joking" .. hmmm yeah i thought i'd say it as a joke :s

 

[WantsALittle1]

For some weird reason, I think people view it as a compliment. Like in their minds tiny = cute, doll-like.

It bugs the crap out of me too. The last thing I want to hear is that my preemie is tiny. I pump 8 times a day, fortify two bottles with neosure, make her take Poly-Vi-Sol and Fer-In-Sol. I eat buckets of ice cream to make my breast milk fattier... All because I want a FAT baby. A big jiggly ball of fat and protein who is going to catch up to her cohorts, developmentally and physically.

Please don't remind me that, despite my greatest efforts, my baby girl is still itty bitty! I'm TRYING!

 

[melissa84]

A girl at my work recently told me that I "was lucky" that I had my daughter early. But the worst was when she was still in the NICU one of the doctors there called and told me that they had to switch her from donor milk to formula because I wasn't producing enough milk. If he had said that in a kind voice I would have been fine, but he said it in a very accusatory and hurtful tone, like I wasn't trying enough or didn't care enough. But I was trying, I just couldn't get enough and already felt guilty and like a horrible mother. I cried and cried after that, I felt so ashamed.

 

[whistle]

A girl at my work recently told me that I "was lucky" that I had my daughter early. But the worst was when she was still in the NICU one of the doctors there called and told me that they had to switch her from donor milk to formula because I wasn't producing enough milk. If he had said that in a kind voice I would have been fine, but he said it in a very accusatory and hurtful tone, like I wasn't trying enough or didn't care enough. But I was trying, I just couldn't get enough and already felt guilty and like a horrible mother. I cried and cried after that, I felt so ashamed.

People can be so insensitive. Pumping is such hard work, especially when you're exhausted and stressed.

 

[katy1310]

I had all sorts that upset me but the 2 that really stick in my mind were:

"You're lucky you didn't have to push out a big 8lb-er"
"At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"

xx