Things you should NEVER say to the mother of a Preemie

[Crayz]

Yes Katy!

I agree. I got both of those!

I just am getting tot he point where hearing how tiny she is from everyone is getting on my nerves. Like mothers will say it to their kids, "Yes Timmy, that is a tiny, tiny little baby. She looks like a doll."

Like, "HELLO! I CAN HEAR YOU!"

I tried to be snotty to a woman at the hospital one day for one of LO's pediatric appointments when she commented on how small my daughter was. I said, "Yeah, she was premature and has two heart defects."

The woman said, "Oh! My daughter was born with a heart defect too!"

Then the little girl who was about 3 showed me her open heart surgery scar

I felt terrible, but her scar was pretty awesome.

 

[whistle]

I had all sorts that upset me but the 2 that really stick in my mind were:

"You're lucky you didn't have to push out a big 8lb-er"
"At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"

xx

Yeah, like, besides the 3 hourly overnight pumping, hour long journey each way to the hospital and constant worry about getting a phone call saying something had gone terribly wrong with our newborn, I was surprisingly well rested.

This thread is really cathartic.

 

[AP]

I had all sorts that upset me but the 2 that really stick in my mind were:

"You're lucky you didn't have to push out a big 8lb-er"
"At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"

xx

I only had the 6lb 11oz to compare against the two pounder and trust me the two pounders harder! Besides who gives a monkeys how they got here, fact is the whole bloody experience is harder!

 

[Agiboma]

My all time favourite saying "you should have carried him to term" said by many family members mostly.

 

[dizz]

So what did you do for her to come early?

 

[Crayz]

I like to tell people I tried to bake her longer in my easy-bake oven, but she was a little raw in the middle...

 

[Fiestagal]

I got (and still get) the tiny comments all the time. They didn't bother me so much. The one that upset me the most was at a baby group, Connor was 7 months old and about 10lbish, I was giving him some puree food, another mother shouted across the room 'How old is that baby?' I realise that he looked younger, when I said his age and that he was prem she replied 'Oh my God, do you have any other small children?'

 

[stepmum]

I had all sorts that upset me but the 2 that really stick in my mind were:

"You're lucky you didn't have to push out a big 8lb-er"
"At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"

xx

I didn't get the size comments for too long as Oliver has always been a fast grower, he's now bigger than a lot of termies his age

However I did get the comments you've quoted..along with "at least you didn't get to the massive uncomfortable stage"... a) for a 5ft nothing shorty carrying a quite decent weight of 4lb 13oz plus 2 cysts of huge proportions I did feel sufficiently massive and b) I would lovvvved to have gotten to the uncomfortable stage, I would liked to have experienced pregnancy from start to finish, kinda feel like I was robbed

I know it's also true but "he'll do it in his own time" kinda makes my heart sink. Oliver has been slightly delayed but it's so hard trying to explain to people that you not only have the usual new mum anxiousness of waiting for them to hit a milestone but I'm also waiting to make sure that nothing is wrong. I dunno it's hard to explain.

 

[Crayz]

Fiestagal-The nerve of that woman! I hope she felt like a total ass (but obviously not because she went on to ask yet another inappropriate question). Ugh. That made me mad just thinking about it.

Stepmum-I know what you mean. I worry a lot too. The thing is, you just have to wait around and see, and that makes it that much harder. Plus people will start asking me when the "time" comes I'm sure, "When is baby going to crawl, when is baby going to sit up..?"

When the baby is ready.

A family member of my husband's used to be a Nanny back in the day. She was giving me "tips." You know, tips I didn't ask for. It's a very long story, and the e-mail I wrote back wasn't the friendliest ever, but she really pissed me off.

One thing she mentioned was a niece she has that was born with a congenital heart defect. She told me how she's 25 now and has been through about 10 surgeries. She's doing great and has healthy kids of her own, which is awesome. But she said her niece has a disfigured ear and is partially deaf. As she's writing this in the e-mail she writes, "Apparently deafness is very common among babies born with congenital heart defects."

Wow. Thanks for the extra anxiety! (and that is exactly what I wrote)

Who DOES that?!

 

[forevermoore]

However I did get the comments you've quoted..along with "at least you didn't get to the massive uncomfortable stage"... a) for a 5ft nothing shorty carrying a quite decent weight of 4lb 13oz plus 2 cysts of huge proportions I did feel sufficiently massive and b) I would lovvvved to have gotten to the uncomfortable stage, I would liked to have experienced pregnancy from start to finish, kinda feel like I was robbed

OMG I hate this!!! I have a friend who just had her baby (1 week overdue). I'm actually suprised im still talking to her after some of the awful things she said. She complained her entire pregnancy about not wanting another baby (she already has 3) and when she went for a scan at 30 weeks, they were concerned that baby may have stopped growing. She actually then had the hide to say to us, 'I hope the baby has stopped growing so they can finally get it out. I'm so over being pregnant. You're so lucky you didnt have to get to the uncomfy stage'.

I cant believe that after seeing what we went through (Emily was born at 31w2d) she would even think that, and then say that out loud, let alone to us!!!

Another lady stopped me in the shops to tell me how small Em is. Because Em wouldnt focus on her, she then proceeded to tell me that I shouldnt be suprised if later down the track we find out that she is mentally impaired!!!
Fighting back the urge to hit her, I turned and walked away, to which this b!tch had the audacity to then say "How rude!". Grrrrrrr....

I find it quite surprising actually, that people feel the need to stop me and tell me how small she is and to give their opinion. I would NEVER stop a random stranger and comment on their baby like that!

 

[juicyfruity]

Hi brave mothers of brave babies,
I lurk a bit as i'm at risk of having a premature baby and i just see such strength and inspiration from all of you, and definately sparks of feistiness

I just wanted to share something i saw today thats relevent to this thread!
Was at the super market picking meat for dinner when i heard a baby crying i looked up and saw this teeny tiny wee thing who was obviously not a newborn but had pretty definately been premature wailing. The mother looking stressed and anxious calmed the baby pretty quickly and then some older woman (fifties probably) came up to her and said "what a beautiful little miracle, you're doing an amazing job" and squeezed her shoulder then walked off with her shopping basket!

I dont know if you might find that a bit intrusive but it was so amazingly sweet! I felt a bit awful for eavesdropping to be honest but i totally got the warm fuzzies. wouldnt it be lovely if we had a world full of people like that?

 

[seaweed eater]

"At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"

We got a surprising amount of this when LO was in the NICU (and he was only there four days!). Seriously...there is not even any comparison. The day he came home was possibly the happiest day of my entire life. Yes, even though it meant we had to change his diapers ourselves.

I can't believe some of the comments in this thread. I am so sorry.

 

[Foogirl]

Juicyfruity, that brought a lump to my throat. That would have made my day!

 

[dizz]

"At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"

We got a surprising amount of this when LO was in the NICU (and he was only there four days!). Seriously...there is not even any comparison. The day he came home was possibly the happiest day of my entire life. Yes, even though it meant we had to change his diapers ourselves.

I can't believe some of the comments in this thread. I am so sorry.

I did regard avoiding having to do the meconium tar-poos as the one real perk of having a preemie...

My mum regularly tells me I'm doing a fantastic job and she couldn't have coped with a preemie, the tube feeds, hospital stay and everything - it's appreciated (unlike MIL who just complains she's not hit X milestone compared to her cousin yet...)

 

[labmommy]

We went to target with our baby one day and the cashier at the register actually said aloud "should that baby even be out yet?!" "Its so tiny!" Who are you lady and what is it your business???? Also, thanks to you, the whole front of the store is staring at us. Ugh.
A girl I work with found out from my coworker and friend that I was going to be delivering when I did. She (the girl) made it a point to announce to my entire workplace that I was in the hospital and made some mention of people coming to see me. Really? I'm about to deliver at 29 wks and may not make it through this surgery myself but you are telling ppl to come see me??? Anyhow, now, six months later, she is four months pregnant and complaining to me how she is so worried about having a big baby cuz they run on her husbands side and they are always overdue. She is so nervous about being overdue and pushing a big baby. Really. Really? Really?! My Noah was 1 lb 6 oz and Jonathan was 3 lbs. I about lunged for her over the lunch table. Find someone else to cry on with that one.

 

[kazzzzy]

I was only home from hospital 2 days after leaving my daughter in NICU, feeling very emotional, tired, worried & generally not in good form when this nosey busy body neighbour rang me and said "Oh I heard you had a little baby, is she very small, oh will she make it at all !!!!! " I was gobsmacked, it was the last thing I wanted to hear, I gave her a very short answer & told her I had to go, the cheek of her, I haven't even herard from her since, some people!!!

 

[Betheney]

I don't have a preemie but i've been told twice now I'll potentially be delivering within a couple of days because of PE only to have everything turn around at the last minute and not need to deliver after all. But it's still pretty touch and go so thought id visit this section to get an idea of babies born at 34weeks.

But I came across this thread

My daughter was born full term but after 2 months was a small baby and I loathed the comments but what I hated the most was people insisted on a reason. They would always ask "was she premature?" "Is she sickly?" "Does she not feed well" and I never really had a reason so I always felt like they were pointing the finger like I'd done something wrong because you need a reason to have a small baby. I can't believe I always wished I could say "yes she was premature" like that would make those comments all easier to handle. After reading this thread I see that isn't the case. Truth be told she lost a lot of weight at 2months old but the continued on the correct weight gain weight per week from then on.

Now she's reached the 20th percentile and people still say all the time "OH MY GOD!!! she looks to young to be walking" and I have to say "she's 2, but the baldness throws people a bit" because she's not even that small anymore so I assume that's why they think she's young

I'm sorry, I've gone off on a tangent and don't really belong here but those "she's so tiny" comments really stung for a long time and this thread just brought back alot of memories.

 

[Foogirl]

Betheny, we welcome anyone here, and certainly coming in if you're at risk of premature birth is a great thing to do. The one thing I wished I'd been able to do before hand was talk to mums who had been through it, so I had an idea of what to expect.

I don't know how typical I am when it comes to the tiny thing I am, but I loved it. People would Oooh and aaaah and talk about how tiny she was, and I'd tell them with pride that she had been born early and they'd ask how she was doing and tell me how amazing I must be to get through it. I'm not normally one to seek validation from complete strangers but at that point in my life I had been surrounded by family and friends who just didn't get it. Who had an "ach just get on with it" attitude. This was my fault, not theirs because I tend to give off that air myself and if I had stopped to think how hard it was, I'd have crumbled at least twice a day.

I can totally understand how it is to deal with these sorts of things and not have a "reason". Our daughter has cerebral palsy and was diagnosed formally at two years old. Prior to that I had to deal with well meaning people (and not just complete strangers, my OH's family were the worst) just dismissing the fact she could neither walk or crawl, telling me "one day she'll surprise you and just do it". as if her restricted mobility was just down to her lack of will and very soon she'd be running about like every other toddler. On top of that, I had mothers of toddlers telling me how lucky I was that my little girl wasn't as running me ragged as they never got to stop for one minute with their active two year old. That really hurt but I had nothing I could say to them. As soon as she was diagnosed, I could then say "actually, No" and shut them up.

So, whilst I am usually bothered by people who wish they had a preemie, that's clearly not what you were doing. You would have liked to have a reason to throw back at nosy strangers to slap them down. I'm so with you on that.

I hope everything works out for the best with your LO. Remember every day is a bonus, and you've done really well to get as far along as you have. There are never any guarantees and premature birth is always tough no matter where you get to, but 34 weeks is a good gestation. We're here for you if you need us.

 

[lozzy21]

I had a big preemie and can remember people asking why she was not smiling at 7 weeks and when they were told she was 5 weeks early asked if i was sure?! No i just fell asleep for 4 weeks and missed a month of my pregnancy.

 

[DonnaBallona]

After my daughters birth, I remember being asked by one of the other mothers (of all people!!!) if I'd had her 'naturally'. when I replied that I'd had a cesearean she said 'ha, you took the easy option then!'

I was sooooo angry-yes you imbecile, I actually CHOSE a crash cesearean under general and thought it'd be wild to miss my daughters first 3 days of life. idiot.

this time around, so far, the best one has been
'god, another prem? you SUCK at pregnancy!'

that one stung a bit.