Things you should NEVER say to the mother of a Preemie

[AP]

The most common one I got was really weird. I would tell someone who asked how early she was and then they would say theirs was the same or earlier. And then later in the conversation their stories didnt match up. I have no idea why people insisted on doing this, maybe to make me "feel better"?

 

[Foogirl]

The most common one I got was really weird. I would tell someone who asked how early she was and then they would say theirs was the same or earlier. And then later in the conversation their stories didnt match up. I have no idea why people insisted on doing this, maybe to make me "feel better"?

Oh, I had a right one the other day and it immediately made me think how mad you'd be. At Abby's swimming lesson we were chatting to a young lass who's a lifeguard and saying Abby was 29 weeks. She then claimed she was the earliest baby to be born at Falkirk maternity and now that is closed she always would be. Fair enough, that may well be the case, however, I've serious doubts about her claim she was 20 weeks! It's likely not her fault, clearly that's what she's been told, but why would people do that.

It does also tap in to my other bug bear. On speaking about Abby's prematurity, I'm always regaled with stories about someone's sister's auntie's cousin's next door neighbour who was early and now they are a strapping 6ft rugby playing bruiser. I swear there must be a link between prematurity and tall people! As you say, thanks for trying to make me feel better but somehow I always felt it actually lessened the severity of our experience, as if we had nothing to worry about and it would all be fine.

 

[PinkLady17]

A girl at my work recently told me that I "was lucky" that I had my daughter early. But the worst was when she was still in the NICU one of the doctors there called and told me that they had to switch her from donor milk to formula because I wasn't producing enough milk. If he had said that in a kind voice I would have been fine, but he said it in a very accusatory and hurtful tone, like I wasn't trying enough or didn't care enough. But I was trying, I just couldn't get enough and already felt guilty and like a horrible mother. I cried and cried after that, I felt so ashamed.

People can be so insensitive. Pumping is such hard work, especially when you're exhausted and stressed.

well, MIL called insisting that I should have somebody donate breast milk or pay somebody for it because "formula is bad and it is the reason she is still in NICU"... and then "by coincidence" SIL called the next day saying her cousin just gave birth and she was volunteering to give me her breast milk for my daughter..... hubby took care of them cuz he saw me crying cuz they made me feel bad that I can't breast-feed my child due to my health conditions and amount of medicines that i have to take...

 

[PinkLady17]

Actually the "she's so tiny" does not bother me... i call her "tiny and cute" myself lol..omg she's beautifulllllll

well, she has a month and a half in the hospital and we'll be for 4 more weeks there..... yesterday i went to visit and gave her a kiss and the disgraceful nurse came and told me I am forbidden to kiss my daughter and touch her... ..... i was like: excuse me, you're speaking to the mother of the child, no, i do not need your permission to kiss my daughter"..... well, she got nasty and i was like: i did not come here to speak to you, i came to be with my daughter, so keep quiet!".... the woman started to cry and blow her nose hahaha omg.... then hubby came later and the woman called her "supervisor" to kick us out and we overheard her tell the "supervisor": "...and she gave the baby a kiss"..... and husband turned around and said: "...and she is the mother... who the f*ck are you??? learn your place A'hole" LMFAO

 

[bumpsmum]

After my daughters birth, I remember being asked by one of the other mothers (of all people!!!) if I'd had her 'naturally'. when I replied that I'd had a cesearean she said 'ha, you took the easy option then!'

I was sooooo angry-yes you imbecile, I actually CHOSE a crash cesearean under general and thought it'd be wild to miss my daughters first 3 days of life. idiot.

this time around, so far, the best one has been
'god, another prem? you SUCK at pregnancy!'

that one stung a bit.

With you here Donna, 9 weeks preg with no3 and still waiting on a congratulations, I've had lots of'oh dear, you don't do preg well' and 'oh f**k another preemie then' my fav is however my 76 yer old grand father in law telling me 'I told you you should have demanded to be sterilised with your last section' charming!!

I'm already doomed as to be having another preemie, no one wants to talk to/about me just what the drs say GRRR rant for today over lol xx

 

[PinkLady17]

I could never imagine thinking a preemie was born because the mother did something wrong! anyone who thinks that is case is an A hole.

thank you!... you just called my In Laws A'holes hahaha!
btw your baby is soooooooooo cute! aaawwwwwwwwww!

 

[PinkLady17]

"At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"

We got a surprising amount of this when LO was in the NICU (and he was only there four days!). Seriously...there is not even any comparison. The day he came home was possibly the happiest day of my entire life. Yes, even though it meant we had to change his diapers ourselves.

I can't believe some of the comments in this thread. I am so sorry.

I did regard avoiding having to do the meconium tar-poos as the one real perk of having a preemie...

My mum regularly tells me I'm doing a fantastic job and she couldn't have coped with a preemie, the tube feeds, hospital stay and everything - it's appreciated (unlike MIL who just complains she's not hit X milestone compared to her cousin yet...)

urgh, i know what you mean...mine has a month and a half at the hospital and will be there for a while more and MIL only complains that she wants the hospital to allow her to see the baby..like it aggravates me cuz just as much as she wants to see the baby, her son and I want our daughter home already...and its really hard..I feel like I'm partially missing out on her first months of life and nobody understands it

 

[Betheney]

Betheny, we welcome anyone here, and certainly coming in if you're at risk of premature birth is a great thing to do. The one thing I wished I'd been able to do before hand was talk to mums who had been through it, so I had an idea of what to expect.

I don't know how typical I am when it comes to the tiny thing I am, but I loved it. People would Oooh and aaaah and talk about how tiny she was, and I'd tell them with pride that she had been born early and they'd ask how she was doing and tell me how amazing I must be to get through it. I'm not normally one to seek validation from complete strangers but at that point in my life I had been surrounded by family and friends who just didn't get it. Who had an "ach just get on with it" attitude. This was my fault, not theirs because I tend to give off that air myself and if I had stopped to think how hard it was, I'd have crumbled at least twice a day.

I can totally understand how it is to deal with these sorts of things and not have a "reason". Our daughter has cerebral palsy and was diagnosed formally at two years old. Prior to that I had to deal with well meaning people (and not just complete strangers, my OH's family were the worst) just dismissing the fact she could neither walk or crawl, telling me "one day she'll surprise you and just do it". as if her restricted mobility was just down to her lack of will and very soon she'd be running about like every other toddler. On top of that, I had mothers of toddlers telling me how lucky I was that my little girl wasn't as running me ragged as they never got to stop for one minute with their active two year old. That really hurt but I had nothing I could say to them. As soon as she was diagnosed, I could then say "actually, No" and shut them up.

So, whilst I am usually bothered by people who wish they had a preemie, that's clearly not what you were doing. You would have liked to have a reason to throw back at nosy strangers to slap them down. I'm so with you on that.

I hope everything works out for the best with your LO. Remember every day is a bonus, and you've done really well to get as far along as you have. There are never any guarantees and premature birth is always tough no matter where you get to, but 34 weeks is a good gestation. We're here for you if you need us.

Thank you for your kind reply, a friend told me this is a really supportive section and your reply definitely proves that.

I saw the video of your daughter the other day and her determination at walking. I cried and cried when I watches it, it's so magical. I watched it about 2 days after my friends little CP son passed away at 20months and I'm just devastated they don't get to watch him grow and walk and beat the odds. All children are such special lil gifts.

I actually gave birth this morning at 3:46am and am now the proud mother of a little boy named Remi Archer who is 1.9kgs, 45cm and born at 33+5. He breathed on his own the moment he was born and i'm told is doing incredibly well at the moment but looks like they want him to have a feeding tube which I am a bit scared of for some reason, probably just because I'm not familiar with one. He's not even a day old so I'm still taking everything in but all in all I'm kinda pretty excited and happy, I love him to bits and just want to spend all day with him. I didn't know that in special care you can't cuddle them whenever you want. They only let me take him out during feed times and I find that difficult to deal with.

 

[25weeker]

Thank you for your kind reply, a friend told me this is a really supportive section and your reply definitely proves that.

I saw the video of your daughter the other day and her determination at walking. I cried and cried when I watches it, it's so magical. I watched it about 2 days after my friends little CP son passed away at 20months and I'm just devastated they don't get to watch him grow and walk and beat the odds. All children are such special lil gifts.

I actually gave birth this morning at 3:46am and am now the proud mother of a little boy named Remi Archer who is 1.9kgs, 45cm and born at 33+5. He breathed on his own the moment he was born and i'm told is doing incredibly well at the moment but looks like they want him to have a feeding tube which I am a bit scared of for some reason, probably just because I'm not familiar with one. He's not even a day old so I'm still taking everything in but all in all I'm kinda pretty excited and happy, I love him to bits and just want to spend all day with him. I didn't know that in special care you can't cuddle them whenever you want. They only let me take him out during feed times and I find that difficult to deal with.

Congratulations on your little boy. Most babies don't get the sucking reflex until 34 weeks so this is why he will be tube fed and in the beginning it will be a lot of work for him so he probably won't manage all feeds. Sounds like he is doing really well so no doubt he will pick it all up fairly quickly. Once they are happy he can maintain his body temperature you will get more cuddles. I hope his neonatal stay is a short one xx

 

[bumpsmum]

Congrats Betheney

What a great weight, you did well to keep Remi in as long as you did, a soon as he's feeding we'll and maintaining his temp you'll get lots more cuddles, make sure your getting as much skin to skin contact, no one told us til day 3 with my first lo that we were allowed our hands in the incubator grrrr! Xx

 

[MommaAlexis]

Just curious, my friend has a preemie, I don't mention how tiny she is but she's half the sizeand double the age of my LO. I usually am just like "Omg! lara you're a giant!!" . Is that less offensive? I can't help it because there's such a huge size difference!

 

[Agiboma]

Congrats Bethany, 25 weeker is correct they will try him on breast about 34 weeks when the sucking reflex comes in. Try and take it easy and enjoy your LO.

 

[Agiboma]

Just curious, my friend has a preemie, I don't mention how tiny she is but she's half the sizeand double the age of my LO. I usually am just like "Omg! lara you're a giant!!" . Is that less offensive? I can't help it because there's such a huge size difference!

If you are saying that to the mom of the preemie then yes i wold be offended. We already know our babies are smaller than their actual age and tbh we really dont need any reminders from full term mothers who where lucky enough to carry their babies to term. This is just my opinion others may not feel the way i do.

 

[AP]

Fair enough, that may well be the case, however, I've serious doubts about her claim she was 20 weeks! It's likely not her fault, clearly that's what she's been told, but why would people do that.

Get the book of records out....

It does also tap in to my other bug bear. On speaking about Abby's prematurity, I'm always regaled with stories about someone's sister's auntie's cousin's next door neighbour who was early and now they are a strapping 6ft rugby playing bruiser. I swear there must be a link between prematurity and tall people! As you say, thanks for trying to make me feel better but somehow I always felt it actually lessened the severity of our experience, as if we had nothing to worry about and it would all be fine.

ARGH A lady done this to me at work last week, oh aye he was a rugby player no less! was close to interupting her sayin "errr,hi, 29 weeker speaking, im a short arse stop trying to make me feel better, just shhhust" I think people just realise they are talking mince sometimes and use comments like that to cover it

 

[dizz]

Just curious, my friend has a preemie, I don't mention how tiny she is but she's half the sizeand double the age of my LO. I usually am just like "Omg! lara you're a giant!!" . Is that less offensive? I can't help it because there's such a huge size difference!

If you are saying that to the mom of the preemie then yes i wold be offended. We already know our babies are smaller than their actual age and tbh we really dont need any reminders from full term mothers who where lucky enough to carry their babies to term. This is just my opinion others may not feel the way i do.

If they come and ASK I always had less issues than them standing at a distance staring and/or pointing going "duh that baby's sooooo small" and speculating loud enough that I could hear.

 

[AP]

Just curious, my friend has a preemie, I don't mention how tiny she is but she's half the sizeand double the age of my LO. I usually am just like "Omg! lara you're a giant!!" . Is that less offensive? I can't help it because there's such a huge size difference!

I wouldnt say either and would just find another compliment. Sometimes its easy to see someone is lying to make us feel better, and then resentment comes into it.

 

[MommaAlexis]

I should clarify lara is my daughter haha

Just seeing her daughter makes me realize how big mine has gotten, I do usually follow it by how adorable she is. I just realized after reading this that she may take it as bragging about my girl.

 

[Foogirl]

Betheny. Congratulations! It sounds like your LO is doing well, I hope your stay in NNICU is short an uneventful. Don't be afraid of the feeding tube. We came to love it so much we missed it when it was gone. So much easier for feeding them! Although, I will warn you, when Abby's came out it was 1 week....no...5 days....no 3 days....how about tomorrow you take her home and we were so unprepared! If you have any worries at all, we're all here. It's a tough journey, but remember to take care of you too. Also check out The Bliss website, loads of great ino there too.

Thanks for your lovely words about Abby. We are so aware her problems could have been much worse and how fortunate we are to still have her. It is hard some days, but she is an absolute joy.

 

[DonnaBallona]

Congratulations Betheney! your baby son sounds like he's got away to a cracking start-I hope his stay in the NICU is a short and boring one. My son is currently in scbu too; I miss him so much- I know just how you're feeling. big hugs

MommaAlexis; I wouldn't fret or overthink what you're saying to your friend. I honestly wouldn't think twice about that comment if a friend of mine had said it in jest- but if a random came up to me in the supermarket and exclaimed how much bigger her wonderful bruiser of a daughter was I probably would be a bit upset.

 

[lil-lauren]

my baby was 2 weeks early but in 3lb baby grows she didnt seem to grow and i always got comments i ended up screaming at someone in asda because id had enough, shes 26 months and only in 12-18 months clothes people still comment. the worst was a week or so ago someone asked if i feed her properly, i burst out crying (hormones got the better of me) and said yes i do and she eats better then you ever would you tramp. i felt so rude afterwards but i couldnt stop myself!!! i feed her fresh chicken breast or fresh fish with veg and rice or potatoes.